To be annoyed my mum shared my news behind my back

[australialover]

Yesterday afternoon I got an offer provisionally accepted on a flat. I’m a first time buyer and I’ve been trying to get somewhere for a while and kept getting outbid, so this is a big deal.

I was at work when I found out, so I texted my mum to let her know. After the usual congratulations etc, she asked if she could tell her friends yet. I said no because I was at work and hadn’t yet had a chance to look at the details of the emails I’d received about the offer and next steps.

When I got home I read the email and found out that the offer isn’t formally accepted until I provide details of my solicitor and proof of funds. So I asked my mum to wait until I get the offer formally accepted early next week. She wasn’t happy about this and said it wasn’t fair that I was making her keep it from her friends all this time (one of her friend’s daughters lives in the next street over from the flat). She said she didn’t feel right about keeping it from her. I again repeated that I wanted her to wait until the offer acceptance was 100% confirmed.

Today I went out for lunch with my mum. We’d literally just sat down and I got a text from her friend’s daughter (who I don’t know very well) to say her mum had just told her that we’re going to be neighbours. I asked my mum if she’d told her friends. She said yes. I got annoyed and felt hurt because I’d asked her to wait. My mum said “well you’ve told your friends” and I replied, “yes, because it’s my flat”. At this point she said “well I’m involved too and what you wanted wasn’t fair”.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We didn’t really talk for the rest of the meal and then when we got home she acted as though nothing had happened. I wouldnt even mind so much that she’d ignored my wishes and told her friends if she’d told me that she’d done it or was going to do it. What annoys me is also the fact that she did it behind my back, did she think I wasn’t going to find out?! AIBU?

She was wrong, but what does it matter?

I would have been irritated if she said something after I had asked her not to although honestly they would have probably already known The conversation would have already gone along the lines of hi sweeeney mum then general chat followed by how's sweeney oh she fine she's flat hunting in fact she's looking at one by your Betty's place.

Many years ago, my sister had a health problem and told our mother, asking her to keep it private. Mother shared it with a group of women friends, one of whom later asked my sister about it.

Neither of us discuss anything with mother until we're okay with it going more widely.

Well you know in future not to share secrets with her as she won't keep them and will tell everyone.

Lesson learned, keep your private business private!

Eugh yes my mum is like this. I now don't tell her anything and she wonders why we don't have a movie style mother daughter relationship.
Also when I suffered an ectopic pregnancy and did have to eventually tell them because it affected me so much, I had time off work etc, my dad called a few days later to tell me off for "shutting my mum out" because I wasn't on the phone to her everyday telling her how I felt.
I think some mothers forget that their children are not extensions of themselves and they are separate people with their own lives. It's not all about them fgs

YANBU, and it absolutely does not matter what the info was, just that it was yours not hers.

Her actions (sharing the information then arguing when you got upset) are an extremely clear message - she will share any information when it suits her and believes her judgement about sensitivity and timing supersede yours. You’d be foolish to share bigger secrets with her when she refused to respect your wishes about something less sensitive and weighty.

”Mum, since I can’t trust you to respect my wishes about keeping information private I’ll have to wait until I’m ready for all your friends to know my news in order to share with you.”

I wouldn’t be drawn into any debates about whether you’re being too sensitive or it was no big deal to share; keep repeating “it was my news to make that decision about” if she tries.

Congratulations on the flat. I’m sorry your mother has shown that she can’t be trusted with your private information. I understand how this feels. As some posters have pointed out, at least it was just about buying a flat. Next time it might be something bigger or more personal. The only way to stop her is to stop telling her anything you don’t want to be made public.

My mother is like this. If she knows anything, she feels like she has to tell everyone. I learned I couldn’t trust her with any information when my DD had a medical emergency. My mom felt the need to tell all the details to her husband’s relatives. My DD was in the PICU and I started getting Facebook notifications because her husband’s relatives were posting the details I had shared with my mom and tagging me. I blew up at my mom and she insisted that she felt they had a right to know. That was the last time my mom got any private information about me, my DH or my kids.

Your feelings are completely understandable. She's shown she feels it's more important she gets attention for spreading what she sees as exciting information rather than respecting your need for privacy. Her needs and wants are her priority.

It's not all bad news though, you have a new home and you've learned a valuable lesson on not sharing private information with her until you're comfortable with it being spread around. Way better it's about a flat than relationship difficulties or health issue or if you have kids now or in the future.

Look up "information diet" for boundary setting and don't be afraid to use it.

It’s really difficult. My mums a gossip and she just cannot restrain herself with any family news in particular - I had to turn my phone off when I was in labour as she was looking after my daughter so told everyone what was happening, my sister and I both told her off when she told us about my brothers engagement which we would have liked him to be able to tell us. Unfortunately I can’t share any news with my mother first, I have to share it with the family as a whole, often in a group chat when I would prefer individual phone calls or just telling people when I see them.

At least you know now not to share important news with your mum as she's unable to keep it to herself. Did she think the world would stop turning if she didn't tell her mates the news? In future don't tell her anything until you're at the point you're happy for it to be public.

So next time tell her much later. Perhaps when you've moved. Or when the next important event has actually happened. If she asks why you've told her so late then tell her it's because she has a big mouth and can't respect your preferences.

Yab ridiculous.
Sarah has had an offer accepted on a flat is mundane small talk, not big news she should need permission to share.

So sorry about your pregnancy. I had this too after a MMC at 11 weeks. My dad phoned not to ask how I was doing, but to tell me to ‘keep my mum in the loop’. This is the woman who wanted to know all about the scans I’d had prior to surgical management and then commented ‘so it had died, then?’

Some parents sadly don’t have their DC’s best interests at heart and only think of themselves and their ‘need’/desire to have personal information about their DC.

Actually, mum used to hit the roof if I so much as had an injection without telling her (in my early 20s at the time). Or when I got contact lenses, it was ‘I don’t believe you’re that blind’.

Agree that it’s about seeing DC as an extension of them and about very very warped boundaries.

This. You’re both really weird

She shouldn't have done it but ..... if you already told people it wasn't really a secret.... I expect she was just excited for you and proud of you that's all.

I would be very annoyed by this. I’m a very private person and I don’t particularly like random people knowing much about me, even if the information is pretty benign and nothing very personal. I despise gossips and nosy people.

It’s also pretty galling to realise you can’t trust your own mother, I had that experience too. Those who are saying it doesn’t matter because it’s ‘only’ about having an offer accepted are missing the point. It’s the principle of it. The topic doesn’t matter, op had specifically asked her mum not to pass on the info yet she blithely went on and did so. That’s not ok.

It's about the principle OP asked her mother not to do 'x', mother did it. No matter if it was discussing purchase of a house, frequency of mentrual cycle, or the price of broth bones.
Sorry, @australialover your mother is selfish and high-handed. I wouldn't be telling her anything in future

At this point she said “well I’m involved too and what you wanted wasn’t fair”.

How is your Mum 'involved'?

Same principle. She wascasked not to share. She did. Content irrelevant.

I absolutely understand your annoyance.
My dm used to be like this.
She couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it.
In the days before mobiles / texting I'd tell my dm my news (new job, passed driving test, new house etc) ask her not to say anything but as soon as I put the phone down she'd be ringing my 4 dsis, I'd be trying to ring them and their phones would be "engaged", dm was one step ahead of me!
I asked her once to promise not to tell anyone something personal and she said "I just can't promise that, you know what im like".
She literally couldn't keep a secret.
Dm passed 2 yrs ago and I would give anything to be able to tell her a secret again.
Is your dm a good dm, if so I'd cut her some slack ❤️

Why is it such a big secret and why are you being so picky about who can and can't know. Surely if your telling friends your happy for the news to be out there. It sounds like a control thing.

I thought the same. But then i assume she does this sort of thing all the time which is why youve reacted this way?

YANBU, you asked her not to share, she ignored that- repeatedly. All this it doesn’t feel right not to- what! Oh so when her friends find out next week they will be super offended it’s taken a week for them to know and cut your mum off- I doubt it… this is my mum btw- she shared pregnancy news she was told not to. Now I don’t tell her anything I’m not ready to be public knowledge, she has the hunp about it but she’s proven to be unreliable

Your mam is a bit strange. Is her life a bit empty?

The only thing you can do do is not share information before time with your mother. It'll have to be when everyone else finds out and if she whinges, you can tell her it's her own fault for being a gossip.