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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my mum shared my news behind my back

103 replies

australialover · 01/12/2024 02:48

Yesterday afternoon I got an offer provisionally accepted on a flat. I’m a first time buyer and I’ve been trying to get somewhere for a while and kept getting outbid, so this is a big deal.

I was at work when I found out, so I texted my mum to let her know. After the usual congratulations etc, she asked if she could tell her friends yet. I said no because I was at work and hadn’t yet had a chance to look at the details of the emails I’d received about the offer and next steps.

When I got home I read the email and found out that the offer isn’t formally accepted until I provide details of my solicitor and proof of funds. So I asked my mum to wait until I get the offer formally accepted early next week. She wasn’t happy about this and said it wasn’t fair that I was making her keep it from her friends all this time (one of her friend’s daughters lives in the next street over from the flat). She said she didn’t feel right about keeping it from her. I again repeated that I wanted her to wait until the offer acceptance was 100% confirmed.

Today I went out for lunch with my mum. We’d literally just sat down and I got a text from her friend’s daughter (who I don’t know very well) to say her mum had just told her that we’re going to be neighbours. I asked my mum if she’d told her friends. She said yes. I got annoyed and felt hurt because I’d asked her to wait. My mum said “well you’ve told your friends” and I replied, “yes, because it’s my flat”. At this point she said “well I’m involved too and what you wanted wasn’t fair”.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We didn’t really talk for the rest of the meal and then when we got home she acted as though nothing had happened. I wouldnt even mind so much that she’d ignored my wishes and told her friends if she’d told me that she’d done it or was going to do it. What annoys me is also the fact that she did it behind my back, did she think I wasn’t going to find out?! AIBU?

OP posts:
Nolegusta · 01/12/2024 07:17

AhBiscuits · 01/12/2024 06:10

Yab ridiculous.
Sarah has had an offer accepted on a flat is mundane small talk, not big news she should need permission to share.

It's not her news to share.

Itsmeagainunfortunately · 01/12/2024 07:18

I think you have every right to be upset.

You asked your DM very clearly not to do something and she went ahead and did it.

She is stating very clearly your feelings aren't important. What you want is trumped by what she wants.

I don't know if this is symptomatic of your relationship in general but even if it was a one off it would have the effect on me of being very wary going forward of sharing any information with her.

lola006 · 01/12/2024 07:18

My MIL is like this. If you tell her anything then she believes it’s her info to share. So we just don’t tell her anything until we’re okay with that, or simply never. At least you’ve learned OP that she can’t be trusted with big news; we learned when we asked MIL to keep quiet about our first DC until we’d had the first scan but oh no, she had to tell people.

BlastedPimples · 01/12/2024 07:19

It doesn't make a difference what news it is.

If someone asks you to keep your trap shut then you keep your trap shut.

EmotionalSupportPotato · 01/12/2024 07:32

You asked her not to that should be enough. What does she mean she's involved to? It's your flat you're the one buying it!

Personally I'd not be fussed if she told any one but you are and told her this so that's what matters

EmotionalSupportPotato · 01/12/2024 07:34

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 01/12/2024 06:44

At this point she said “well I’m involved too and what you wanted wasn’t fair”.

How is your Mum 'involved'?

That's what I'm wondering

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/12/2024 07:34

Your mum sounds bonkers and over invested in your life.

In future don't tell her anything until you're happy for her to tell the world and his wife.

BeTealUser · 01/12/2024 07:35

No YANBU! It’s not her news to share.

Buying a property on your own is a big deal, so many on this thread are downplaying it for some reason!

JMSA · 01/12/2024 07:38

It's really not a big deal, especially as you had already told your friends anyway.
Worst case scenario, it falls through. With respect, no-one is really going to care that much.
Your mum is excited for you, so I'd pick your battles.
Hope it all works out for you Smile

Tiredofallthis101 · 01/12/2024 07:44

I don't think her sharing the news before you had a chance to do so is a big deal, quite honestly no one else will be that bothered. I do think her going against your wishes is a big deal though - clearly her needs and wants are her priority not yours. I wouldn't tell her anything any more including about the sale is going, just answer generically eg yes sale going fine . If she keeps pushing I would tell her I am no longer willing to share personal info with her until I am ready because i dont trust her not to share it. NB i do this with some family members for different reasons and life is so much easier when they can't interfere on sensitive issues.

MiddleParking · 01/12/2024 07:45

My mum said “well you’ve told your friends” and I replied, “yes, because it’s my flat”.

But the reason you had asked her to wait to tell them was because it isn’t your flat yet. So you were just being controlling for no good reason. Her friends don’t actually give a shit about your conveyancing process, your mum just wanted to share some nice positive news about her daughter.

supersop60 · 01/12/2024 07:46

Monty27 · 01/12/2024 03:06

For goodness sake your? Mum was excited and proud. No harm done.

But she completely disrespected OP's wishes. Harm definitely done.

Startinganew32 · 01/12/2024 07:50

I wouldn’t care tbh. Also the proof of funds stuff is just routine so it has been accepted (provided you do actually have the funds). I’m surprised she’s so keen to tell her friends but it’s quite sweet so I’d let her.

iggleoggle · 01/12/2024 07:51

Your mum is over invested and it’s not great. From bitter experience, if you ever have children, don’t tell your mum you’ve had a baby until you’re willing for it to be all over Facebook.

I hadn’t even put the fact I was pregnant on Facebook, and then, 3 hours after birth, my phone was pinging with messages from people I’ve not seen for 30 years.

coolcahuna · 01/12/2024 07:53

YANBU but It's a mum thing. Just don't tell her until you're ready. It does sound like she meant well

Congratulations on your purchase!

Yalta · 01/12/2024 07:53

Lots of things can happen between accepting an offer and then actually buying so I wouldn’t be telling anyone you bought your first place, even after the offer is accepted because these things have a habit of falling apart before exchange

Would have replied to mums friend’s dad with a question mark as things aren’t set in stone yet

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 01/12/2024 07:56

She sounds like my mum who is desperately insecure and needs her friends to know that her kids are doing better (or at least as well as) their kids. It's like a need not a want for her. Sorry she did this OP- I'd push for her to reflect a bit more and ask herself why she just couldn't sit on that information for such a short time. See if there's any room for her to grow her self- awareness in the service of your relationship.

Ellie1015 · 01/12/2024 08:00

It is annoying but you knew she was itching to sbare and made her wait another week while telling your own friends. If you werent telling anyone either i would be more annoyed.

I would not tell her any info that wasnt to be shared in future.

SallyWD · 01/12/2024 08:02

Monty27 · 01/12/2024 03:06

For goodness sake your? Mum was excited and proud. No harm done.

Yes, I couldn't get worked up about this.

Sierra26 · 01/12/2024 08:08

Both of your reactions imply this isn’t the first time it’s happened.

My mum has form for this. I don’t know when it exactly started but was conscious from a young age that she talked about me a lot to her friends/other family members. They’d say things like “oh you would enjoy that wouldn’t you Sierra” and I’d think how would you know (and I hate people telling me what I think/feel at the best of times!). First distinct memory is when I had my first period telling her “please don’t tell X or Y” as I knew it would then get brought up in a group setting.

Since then I’ve spent a lot of time setting boundaries and explaining to her what constitutes my news vs her news, and who I might prefer heard things from me rather than her. And why I might not want anyone to know or consider it ‘news’ at all until a certain point. Been through this with offer acceptance on flat, potentially moving to another city, getting engaged, becoming pregnant. It has put me off telling her things straight away and then when I do there’s a lot of “who can I tell” management straight away (because it’s the first thing she always asks, rather than being able to just enjoy/appreciate the news first herself).

It comes from a good place of love, pride and excitement, but also from a slightly less good place of enjoying talking about other peoples lives from every angle.

But I do know now that I can trust her - in recent times when I’ve made my wishes clear she has respected them (albeit with LOTS of questions and repetition).

AprilShowerslastforHours · 01/12/2024 08:09

Same as my mum so I wouldn't tell her anything I didn't want the world to know. Then she was upset at not knowing anything but it was her own fault. What really hurt was that she had no problems keeping secrets for my sister but she thought it unfair if she wasn't told personal stuff about me.

When I told her I was pregnant she HAD to tell A (a friend of hers I barely knew) and B (an old friend of mine who I wasn't really in touch with by then but who did a lot for her) and I agreed that was OK. The next day Sheff declared she would try not to tell B but HAD to tell C, who was a good friend of mine too and whose daughter is my goddaughter. I put my foot down. She thought it was unfair to lie (by ommission) to her. I said she'd more than understand. Which she did.

Jostuki · 01/12/2024 08:10

Your mum was excited at the possibility that you and her friends daughter would be living near each other.

You should have known that your mum and her friend would be pleased and wanting to talk about it to each other.

You can't tell someone something so mundane and then tell them in the next breath it's a secret, that is controlling.

SweetBobby · 01/12/2024 08:14

Blessing in disguise.

You are at a stage in life where you've got all the big announcements yet to come, now she's shown you she can never find out early.

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 01/12/2024 08:14

Surely this is allegorical and it’s really about pregnancy news, otherwise you are both a bit bonkers to care so much! You are however correct that whatever news it is, your mum was wrong to share when directly asked not to.

Plastictrees · 01/12/2024 08:16

australialover · 01/12/2024 02:48

Yesterday afternoon I got an offer provisionally accepted on a flat. I’m a first time buyer and I’ve been trying to get somewhere for a while and kept getting outbid, so this is a big deal.

I was at work when I found out, so I texted my mum to let her know. After the usual congratulations etc, she asked if she could tell her friends yet. I said no because I was at work and hadn’t yet had a chance to look at the details of the emails I’d received about the offer and next steps.

When I got home I read the email and found out that the offer isn’t formally accepted until I provide details of my solicitor and proof of funds. So I asked my mum to wait until I get the offer formally accepted early next week. She wasn’t happy about this and said it wasn’t fair that I was making her keep it from her friends all this time (one of her friend’s daughters lives in the next street over from the flat). She said she didn’t feel right about keeping it from her. I again repeated that I wanted her to wait until the offer acceptance was 100% confirmed.

Today I went out for lunch with my mum. We’d literally just sat down and I got a text from her friend’s daughter (who I don’t know very well) to say her mum had just told her that we’re going to be neighbours. I asked my mum if she’d told her friends. She said yes. I got annoyed and felt hurt because I’d asked her to wait. My mum said “well you’ve told your friends” and I replied, “yes, because it’s my flat”. At this point she said “well I’m involved too and what you wanted wasn’t fair”.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We didn’t really talk for the rest of the meal and then when we got home she acted as though nothing had happened. I wouldnt even mind so much that she’d ignored my wishes and told her friends if she’d told me that she’d done it or was going to do it. What annoys me is also the fact that she did it behind my back, did she think I wasn’t going to find out?! AIBU?

YANBU. My mum can be like this too. I’d be wary of telling her personal info in future! When I found out I was pregnant my mum actually asked if she could tell family members first instead of me, really bizarre and centering herself in my pregnancy. She also told family members when we were in the very early stages of buying our new house, despite me asking her not to until things were more confirmed. Some people just can’t help themselves and it’s deeply irritating!