To be annoyed my mum shared my news behind my back

[australialover]

Yesterday afternoon I got an offer provisionally accepted on a flat. I’m a first time buyer and I’ve been trying to get somewhere for a while and kept getting outbid, so this is a big deal.

I was at work when I found out, so I texted my mum to let her know. After the usual congratulations etc, she asked if she could tell her friends yet. I said no because I was at work and hadn’t yet had a chance to look at the details of the emails I’d received about the offer and next steps.

When I got home I read the email and found out that the offer isn’t formally accepted until I provide details of my solicitor and proof of funds. So I asked my mum to wait until I get the offer formally accepted early next week. She wasn’t happy about this and said it wasn’t fair that I was making her keep it from her friends all this time (one of her friend’s daughters lives in the next street over from the flat). She said she didn’t feel right about keeping it from her. I again repeated that I wanted her to wait until the offer acceptance was 100% confirmed.

Today I went out for lunch with my mum. We’d literally just sat down and I got a text from her friend’s daughter (who I don’t know very well) to say her mum had just told her that we’re going to be neighbours. I asked my mum if she’d told her friends. She said yes. I got annoyed and felt hurt because I’d asked her to wait. My mum said “well you’ve told your friends” and I replied, “yes, because it’s my flat”. At this point she said “well I’m involved too and what you wanted wasn’t fair”.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We didn’t really talk for the rest of the meal and then when we got home she acted as though nothing had happened. I wouldnt even mind so much that she’d ignored my wishes and told her friends if she’d told me that she’d done it or was going to do it. What annoys me is also the fact that she did it behind my back, did she think I wasn’t going to find out?! AIBU?

Yes very odd! Why is there a need to share anything like this with her friends? Me and my friends wouldn’t even really tell each other until it’s properly advanced.

I don’t tend to tell my mum anything of significance or private that I don’t want sharing and that works.

Previously she would share private pictures with her friends for example and that got nipped in the bud quickly. She loves a financial information share too!

So in future, don’t tell her things until the moment when you’re happy to have her prattling on to everyone. If she asks why, refer to this specific example of her being ‘too excited’ to keep quiet as requested.

I know she’s your mum but people who decide that info is theirs to share, despite being told not to, really annoy me. If you can’t trust her with this then how can you trust her with any sort of confidential info / secret / news?

Rule of thumb - if you don't want people to know - don't tell anyone.
My MIL was like this.
I think it was to drawn attention to herself.

She was out of order to share your news, however does she have form for this? Personally I don't tell anyone anything I don't want others to know - and that includes not telling my mum! I tell DH and my 2 DS, because I know they'll say nothing. But anyone else I don't share unless I'm ready for it to become common knowledge.

I’d see no need not to share but would respect your wishes, which are a little cautious.

That is so weird, why would she want to tell her friends so urgently? I mean, it's nice for you, but I can't understand why it is urgent news to share with friends.
But also- even if it WAS something more usual ti be excited about, eg pregnancy then her sharing it after you asked her not to is so rude and inappropriate. I'd say be glad it was something fairly innocuous and be very cautious about what you share with her in the future as she will do it again.

I agree with PP. Tell mum you are glad you found out she can’t be trusted. You won’t be confiding anything with her in future.

My DM used to do this, but it got worse where she was sharing my private, medical information with other people. I asked her not to and she continued, so I stopped telling her personal things, and would only tell her important news, like your news about the property, when it was OK to be public knowledge.

She said she was 'equally involved' as I am and I asked what she meant and she said 'emotionally, Australialover' in a tone that communicated that it should be obvious.

She did also provide some money towards my deposit, as did my grandad. I also saved a large proportion of it myself. But I will be paying the mortgage.

The situation isn’t a big deal but what is is that she went against your wishes. Lesson learnt to stop sharing information that needs to be kept quiet unless you want it sharing wider.

I get that it's very irritating when you asked her to keep your news to herself, but you can stand well back from the fallout. Your mum may have to tell her friend to tell her daughter that you won't be neighbours - a bit embarrassing for her but not your problem!

She's giving you a taster of what she'll be like if you ever have kids.

If you do get pregnant, don't tell her until after the 12 week scan.

This is why I don't tell my mother anything. She just can't be trusted. She's repeated back things to me, that I told her in confidence in the first place, as she'd forgotten where she heard it.
Her friends and family are all over involved in their family's business and no subject is off limits. So I tell her nothing important. She's aware of it but would still blab if I risked confiding anything interesting.

*She's giving you a taster of what she'll be like if you ever have kids.

If you do get pregnant, don't tell her until after the 12 week scan.*

Exactly what I came on to say.

Yes, is this a boomer thing? My mum has told me details about the traumatic birth experiences of her friends' children and their partners.

I'm like, "Mum, you shouldn't be telling me that your-university-friend-Sue's son Paul-who-I-haven't-seen-since-1990's wife Claire-who-I've-never-met had a failed attempt at forceps resulting in a huge perineal tear and then had to have a C-section anyway which meant that when she'd healed enough from her C-section she then had to have repeated surgeries to try and fix her anal sphincter. This is Claire's private medical information. I don't know Claire. You don't know Claire. You shouldn't be telling me this. Sue shouldn't have told you this. This is a complete invasion of Claire and Paul's privacy."

But all my mum's friends seem to over share in this way.

Tell her nothing going forward until you are happy for it to be blabbed about.

It's an awful trait in a person, particularly a mother.

This would be my mum. I learned from my mistakes.

Keep things like this secret from her in the future. When she finds out that others knew, of course she'll feel hurt and guilt trip you, but remind her that she can't be trusted. You tested her, she failed.

Some people are just like this. You can't tell them anything without accepting it may be passed on. My mum is the same, it is incredibly annoying but I will never change her. Me and my siblings just have to tell her nothing until we are happy with it being shared.

I think you're both being weird about this tbh. She's being weird to treat it as some big personal news that it "feels wrong"(???) to keep from her friends - surely her friends don't really care beyond a "that's nice, good for her" sort of response. Certainly no one normal would be offended that they hadn't heard this news immediately and instead heard it a few days later.
But I also think it's not something I'd view as news that needs to be kept secret until a set time. If it hadn't ended up being formally accepted, she could tell them that.

I don't get all the fuss.

But I guess she shouldn't have shared if you asked her not to.

This is a very good point. It’s quite helpful of her really, at least you know in advance.

Blimey! What a drama you're making of this. Its a flat, not top prize on the lottery 😂
Why on earth would you want something like this kept a secret? You’ve had an offer accepted on a property, you tell your mum, she tells a friend, it really is no big deal. Now you're making her out to be snitch of the century. Your poor mum!

My dm is similar to this. I know she doesn’t mean anything by it, she’s lovely & kind, but omg, she can’t keep anything to herself and doesn’t think ‘oh, xxxx might have wanted to tell people herself’

When my sister was pregnant, she told everyone, even siblings, rather than waiting for my sister to tell us. When my other sister got engaged, she told everyone before my sister had a chance to tell us. I love her to bits, but I don’t tell her things I don’t want broadcasting anymore, or I tell her last minute, when I’ve had a chance to tell other people at the same time😅

Ah yes, please don't share the most exciting news a mum could hear about her daughter - make her wait because she doesn’t deserve to know.

If she can't be trusted to keep her mouth shut until her daughter is ready for the world to know, then no, she doesn't deserve to know.

Did you miss the part where the OP's mum asked if she could tell her friends and the OP said, "No, I don't want you to tell anyone yet" and she went ahead and told her friends anyway?