Is this cheeky? Giving child a lift?

[Bubblegirly]

My DD aged 8 does a class every week and has for the last two years. Last week I ran into an old friend who I haven’t seen for around 3 years. She was bringing her DS for the first time. It was nice to catch up etc and we said see you next week.

ive just had a message asking if I can take and drop home her DS tomorrow as she is struggling to fit everything into her day. I’m like WTF? I only met DS last week for the first time. I’m going to say no but is this cheeky? It really feels it? It’s only his second week and I don’t want to set a precedent

"I don’t have space for an extra child either."

Yep-very convincing if she does have seats in the car!

@kiraric "I think it's poor form to ask for a non emergency favour like this without any sense of how you would reciprocate"

As I said-I don't do tally keeping! If I can do someone a favour, I will.

That's fine if that's the way you want to approach it.

I won't do favours which aren't emergency things or reciprocated in some way.

@kiraric " I won't do favours which aren't emergency things or reciprocated in some way."
What a very sad way to live.

@CurlewKate
Where is your line between helping someone out and being taken for a mug?

Because we all know that there are people out there who would take you for a mug if you let them.

I have a full time job, two children in primary school, three different volunteering commitments.

If I also agreed to do favours for people who aren't even my friends because they are a bit busy, I would burn out.

For me it's about setting healthy boundaries and not being a doormat

Two other mothers and I used to swap kids round, we all worked different patterns. I think it started when Mother A asked me if I'd like her to drop my kids home from school as my mother watched them for an hour or so till I got home on 4 days a week. At some point I started taking her kids swimming with mine on a Saturday morning as she worked in her husband's business and needed to go in Saturdays. As they got older she carried on picking her two and my two up from school but then dropped all 4 at my house and my mother then I kept them for 2 or 3 hours. Mother B joined in as the boys started cubs and she'd take them all. And so it grew. The peak came when we decided to sort out the school holidays so for a couple of years all 5 kids, my two, A's 2 and Bs 1 all went off to Cornwall with A and her husband. They'd get back 2 week later on the Friday, quick sort out of washing and off they all went with me and DH to Devon. Repeat 2 weeks later and they all went off with B to Wales. No play schemes, no worries above how to cover six weeks. It all started with an offer to drop kids off so my mother didn't need to walk to the school. You never know how these things will develop and if you're lucky everyone benefits.

Pretty sure giving someone a lift to a place you're going to already isn't going to induce burnout....!

Well you could do the lift once and see if she asks again, or you could do the lift and suggest you could alternate weeks. If she is all take and no give then you have the line.

I really find this pressure on women to Be Nice and just shut up and do things for other people so objectionable.

I don't have a lot of spare time in my day, going out of my way for someone who I haven't seen in 3 years, is not my priority for it. It might only be 10 mins out of my way, but that's 10 mins I could be doing reading with my 5 year old, having a cup of tea and catching a break, all sorts of things.

Now if she offered to take turns, yes, I would be there. If she had a genuine emergency, I would too.

But no, I am not going to heap more on to my to do list just to Be Nice.

The question was to @CurlewKate if you read her posts you'll see she seems to think everyone should bend over backwards to help others.

@Needanewname42 "The question was to @CurlewKate if you read her posts you'll see she seems to think everyone should bend over backwards to help others"

No I don't. However, I do think if we can do someone a favour that is at most an incredibly minor inconvenience then we should. Because life can be tough. Parenting can be tough. And refusing help on some strange point of principle just seems small minded. As I said, I don't operate on a "what's in it for me?" basis.

What I find baffling is why you are able to acknowledge that Life can be tough. Parenting can be tough but only for some people apparently..

It is tough to hold down a busy job and look after two children - that's why I don't have the time or capacity to go out of my way to help people unless they reciprocate in some way that makes my life easier in return

It might seem minor to you but I generally don't have much free time and neither does the OP, she has her other kids schedules and activities to work around

@kiraric the point is that this favour is simply another person in the car for a journey that is being made anyway. Why would you not do that? She's not being asked to make a massive detour or anything. I remember another thread where someone's neighbour had knocked on the door and asked if they had an onion. The OP had plenty of onions but was told to say no because it might be a slippery slope-today an onion, next week their holiday home in Tuscany! If I can say yes, I will. I also say no if I have to, but I try not to.

@CurlewKate she has said it is out of her way

If they lived next door it would be different

Our timings for getting to and from work and to kids activities are very tight. It wouldn't be minor to go out of our way to get another child

The car journey is being made A to B not A to B via C.
This has all the hallmarks of the other mum setting it up to be a weekly event. As she doesn't have time, A to B via C also means keeping a spare kid sear in the car.
Its also a tie to the Op pain to drag two kids to Asda if your hoping to pick something up

At what point do you see it as cheeky.?

And I was just giving suggestions of how you could work it out, I think that is allowed on MN.

Will it be out of your way and is it a big ask? Maybe you could have a reciprocal arrangement on the basis of alternating weeks.
If someone asks for a helping hand, I try to give it on the basis I never know when I might need one.

Why not be nice. I collect other kids all the time. It doesn’t hurt and it’s good for my child to see people helping others. Nice is always best

If she was planning on it being reciprocal (or was a nice person) she would have said ‘be great to lift share if it works for you?’.

Rather than ‘I’m so busy can you go out of your way and take my child to this activity’.

You've summed up exactly why most posters are seeing this person as a bit cheeky.

I'm just stunned at posters who seem to think is anything other than cheeky.
Everyone is busy, or people are working part-time to benefit their family not to benefit every random acquaintance.

If you can't do the runs for a kids club you say "no sorry kiddo no can do"

It would be a nope from me from someone I hadn't seen in three years asking for a lift somewhere on only their second visit.
A close friend - no problem.

If it's your way, you can say you have something else to do [don't we all, always] and if it entails extra travel, the excuse holds true, too. She didn't offer to return the favour, not even 'some day'. Mind you, I have learned not to give reasons for why I say no, or even for why I say yes. You do not owe her an explanation, really. Just say ''Sorry, I cannot,'' and if she asks you why, you say ''That is not for me to say...''[instead of mind your own business].

Was she grateful OP when you did the lift? And did she offer for the following week? This will be telling.

I wouldn't really say it's 'cheeky', you're going anyway so you might not mind taking her kid too. But I think she probably would want it to be regular thing. Being angry if you said no would definitely be 'cheeky', you don't owe her anything but I don't see what's the problem with asking.