To think DH did nothing wrong here?

[Challas]

On my way to do the school run in the dark I nearly slammed into a little black car that was broken down just around a blind on our very rural 60 mile an hour road. I noticed a woman alone sitting in the car. I called DH and asked him to go at least put cones around the car but also to offer to the woman for him to stay with her (in his car) or come stand on our drive so she didn't get killed sitting in the car. He went up to her and she politely declined (all fine but he was legitimately afraid for her). He did then drive back around the bend and sat there with his hazards on to slow any cars coming down. Eventually the recovery van came for her and all was well until a few hours later we had the police at the door saying this woman reported DH for having made her feel threatened!? He's now said in the future he just won't even offer help if he's in the same position again. The police were fairly aggressive with wanting to know exactly what he said and did so clearly she was very uncomfortable.

It’s a pity you and your DH couldn’t have both offered help - or you could have waited and your DH continued the school run.

it’s tough for your DH to be suspected when he’s a good man, but this is the cost of male violence. Women are not wrong to be very very careful.

And we know that men have used the excuse of “Let me help you” to attack women.

Instead of resenting this woman, can you and your DH think about what he could do to encourage other men to behave better? He can do little things like calling out mates who say disrespectful things. If you have boys, raise them to call out sexist behaviour as well.

Endemic male violence is tough on the good men but they should not be resentful. They need to understand why women feel threatened and suspicious. Women are acting rationally in the light of our experiences.

The vitriol on this thread is quite shocking.

of course you might be right she may have been being stupid and OPs DH a saint,

however given that the woman reported to the police that she was frightened AND they bothered to pay OPs DH a visit and didn’t say ‘don’t be stupid woman you were causing a hazard and the nice man tried to help’ isn’t it possible that there was rather more nuance in the situation than the OP has given us?

How would him sitting in her car with her prevent someone running into the back of her car?

It is perfectly possible for her to have been both stupid and for her to be scared of being approached in the dark by a random bloke. She had no way of knowing if he was a good guy or an axe wielding maniac.

I have broken down on a bend before. The first thing I did, before phoning for recovery, was to call the police. They were with me in minutes to prevent any further issues. The sensible thing for the husband to do when told he wasn't needed would have been to suggest calling the police, or offered to do it for her, not lurk down the road, further adding to the hazards of the situation and inadvertently scaring a lone woman.

If course dearest I bought my PhD ofd Amazon 🤣🤣🤣

I feel so sad that good men like your husband are becoming discouraged from helping. There is something wonderful about a human being that will go out of their way to help another human being for no reason other than they need help. No reward, no fanfare.

I understand why she felt jittery, breaking down and dealing with that is stressful. However she wasn't thinking about her safety at all, nor the safety of others. You, and in turn your husband, were.

You, and he, may well have saved lives last night. I hope that once the Police understood what your husband's intentions were they were grateful they weren't attending a serious accident.

Tell your husband how proud you are of him putting himself out to help someone. Maybe, just maybe in the cold light of day the woman will think it over and realise what a dangerous position she was in.

Wow what a pet

This

MN is a funny place. People won't open the door when someone knocks, are horrified at the prospect of a trans woman in a toilet, would rather meet a bear than a man in the woods, but simultaneously cannot possibly understand why a woman might be afraid of a male stranger approaching her when she's stranded in the dark.

I think if the car woman had posted, she'd have got very different responses.

Personally I would have accepted the help - I've twice accepted help from a man when I've been in difficulty on the road. I tend to believe that people are generally good, and bad apples are rare, even though I've encountered plenty of them! But I know many women feel differently, and so of course I can understand why this woman acted as she did. My view is VERY far from the usual view on MN, so I'm struggling to see why so many think she was so wrong and doing a disservice to helpful men everywhere. .

She's been a dick, and will probably realise it once she's processed everything. We should all be more like your dh, willing to inconvenience ourselves to offer help and to protect. I admire him and you for bothering, please keep being you because we are lost if we give in to fear and disillusionment and give up on trusting each other.

I think the OP clarified she meant the husband said he would wait in his car, whilst the lady waited in her car. Not get in the same car.

I agree it was unclear in the OP, but was clarified.

But between him phoning the police and them actually turning up - could be an hour or so where I live - someone else could have ploughed into the back of her car.

The OP's DH put the safety of everyone, including her, first.

I agree I get annoyed if I am happily engaged doing something, albeit not perfectly, and a bloke decides I need help. He can sod right off.

But in this scenario, he was right. In my opinion.

It’s possible for two things to be true. I can see how the woman might be scared, but I also think it’s correct that the man took steps, before the bend, to alleviate the risk of a serious accident. In retrospect it probably would have been wise to call the police himself.

The police are always going to respond to a report of a man being perceived as threatening.

This reminds me of a post a while back about an older teenager cycling up and down a cycle path, practicing something. A female walker reported him and posted it on a local Facebook group, I seem to remember. The poster was furious that anyone would publicly out her son as a ‘weirdo’ but did accept why it could have been alarming to the walker.

Well obviously none of us were there, but the woman would have been extremely stressed by her car breaking down in this position and her sense of danger very switch on. She probably did feel threatened, but that’s not say she was being threatened?

This is why women can't win.

You act on your fear and report - and people complain that you should have magically known the guy was harmless.

You don't act on your fear and something happens - people say "why didn't she call it in, why did she make nice with the stranger, silly woman, she was asking for trouble". etc etc.

I agree with this. Your husband was very kind to help, thats not in doubt but if I was stranded in a broken down car and a strange man suggested I sit in his car I would be very very wary too. Women are told constantly to be wary of men they dont know with random offers of help because thats exactly the situation that has ended up in women being raped and killed sadly. Surely you can see that from her perspective?

Just because your husband has a wife and a child doesnt mean he isnt a potential risk to her, plenty of women have been murdered by men with families. Wayne Couzins had a wife!

Could have been an hour, or it could have been five minutes. He didn’t phone the police, though. He asked the woman if she wanted his assistance and then ignored what she said and waited anyway. I doubt he’d have waited round the bend if it had been a burly bloke in the car who’d told him no.

Man asked woman if she required help
She replied No

Man asked woman if she wanted to wait on his property to be safe
She replied No

Man then parked car near woman and sat there for unknown length of time .

His intention was good but his lack of awareness at how vulnerable she must has felt, for him not to be accepting No as an answer, is quite astonishing.

Would he have refused No as an answer if it was a man saying it?
I highly doubt he would not have carried on insisting to help!

^This.

I agree with you. Last time I broke down a nice guy offered me a lift down the road because there was no phone reception where I was. I got in and off we went and I did think then well if anything happens people will say this is my fault. But nothing did and in fact another two men helped me that day in different ways to get me back up and running - actually really (partially) restored my faith in men / kindness of strangers but i’m keenly aware it was a risk to get in that car with that guy.

Had he been insistent and then went off to sit round the corner. And it was dark. And i was alone - I dunno, i’d maybe feel very differently and would have felt threatened and reported like that woman did.

I just see if differently. He did back away from her, as if course he should, but took steps to ensure the safety of other people.

I don’t see that as wrong, but as I said, none of us were there.

To be fair, he never suggested he sit in her car, or her in his. The OP said he offered to stay, but sitting separately, in his car, while she stayed in hers.

For some reason, some people seem to be reluctant to accept this later clarification the OP made. Not sure why. It’s there in black and white.