AIBU to think if you haven’t got your life friends from school / uni, you’ll be forever lonely??

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I have moved quite a lot in my childhood (with parents) and 20’s (with job) but finally in my late 30’s, my husband and I are settled down in Surrey with 3 kids (6,4,1). I was so keen to finally meet mum friends and properly settle down. I have good friends from childhood years but almost all live in a different country and it’s so hard to see them regularly.

I have made a couple of good friends in surrey but most of my new found friendship group I met with my oldest child when we were on maternity leave together and they have kids age 4-8. Therefore their kids are in school now, they are pretty much working full time again and seem to only want to socialize when it suits them with childcare which is rarely. EVERYONE has childhood friends or school friends or uni friends that they count as their real friends and prefer to spend time with during their limited weekends. I really don’t have this in the area we live and am so keen to find people. I am a bit shy at first but actually a really social person. I went to school mum Christmas drinks this week which I was really looking forward to but only 3 people turned up and it was over by 9. Our school class is terrible, NO ONE is remotely interested in socializing. I have joined a weekly exercise class but again that is very cliquey. I have tried to look for a book club but not had much luck - all are online but I want something to meet people in person to spend time with. Doesn’t help that my husband works 7am-8pm every day, is out on average twice a week with work and travels 1 or 2 weeks in 4 and also very much has his own social group, most whom I have never met. I also work 3 days a week (remotely 😭 so no socializing there either) but it means my hours to myself are so so limited.

I’m getting to the point where my kids, the endless housework and the odd decent book for the evening are enough as I give up with trying to make a life for myself. I do feel myself slipping away sometimes though - almost feels like I’m in a dream and I’m starting to dream up social interactions rather than living them (crazy I know) I don’t really see my husband that much at the moment with his mad work schedule.

Can anyone give me tips on making decent long lasting friendships? Where have you had luck meeting people? Part of me thinks we up sticks, move and start again!!

Can you start a book club? I wiuld talk to your local library. Oura gas one night a week they are open late so maybe you could have your meeting there, then move to a pub or coffee shop to have a drink before going home.

I haven't made lasting friendships via school mums tbh. I made a few friends via work but I was office based. I do have a few school mum friends but I didn't meet them via being in my sons year. Where abouts in Surrey are you?

Where have you had luck meeting people?

At your age, at work.

Later, through social activity groups.

I agree. Everyone has their friendship groups now. I lost mine as I moved around a lot. Now I have kids, a job etc it's even harder to make friends. I've decided to focus on myself and my family instead. No point forcing friendships.

Why can’t you/don’t you socialise with DH and his friends? And why have you never met them?

School mums only want to meet up during the week, not weekends. I don't have school/uni friends in this country but have a very active social life in the week, I set up a book club through school

I have definitely made friends via kids’ school, in fact they are most of my social life as my uni friends and school friends live all over and hardly any nearby. I’m sorry you seem to have hit a crowd who already have lots of local friends and aren’t keen to socialise.

However maybe there are some who are more open to new friendships and you just haven’t found them yet? Be brave and ask someone to go for coffee - the worst that happens is they say they’re busy.

I have nothing in common with my school friends beyond those years when we were forcibly thrown together; we are very different people with a number if different life paths. You can’t spend a life reminiscing about 4 or 5 teenage years, and I have nothing in common with them, beyond that. I have one university friend with whom I have enough shared experiences and similar interests and outlook to have sustained a friendship for over 30 years. Other than that all my current friends have been made either through work (in places where passion for the particular highly specialist work is all important, so leads to shared interests and values) or interest groups. I have constantly found new groups of friends throughout my life: good friends with whom I genuinely share a connection beyond being thrown together by circumstances, instead gravitating together because of who we are. It’s never too late in life to make those sorts of connections!

I have one friend from primary school.
One from 6th form.
One from uni.
Two from a house-share post-uni.
One who was originally a friend-of-a-friend.
Three from having children, from Peanut / stay-and-play type settings.

The rest of the people I see are family - I have become closer to my cousin and SIL in recent years, through having children around the same time.

For me, the key has been being stuck with certain people for years and years, until eventually a bond forms, almost without you noticing. Which basically is what school is. I think lots of people make friends at work for this reason too, although I've never made any that I've stayed in touch with outside of work. I've seldom made a strong bond with someone, in a short time frame, even though I would love to have been able to - moving is the enemy of friend-making ime, unless you're into / good at online chit-chat (which I'm not).

I think YABU.

I have good friends I've met in adulthood.
Off the top of my head, through our dc being friends / from Church / from the volunteering I do / from work / from a hobby I do.

Doesn’t help that my husband works 7am-8pm every day, is out on average twice a week with work and travels 1 or 2 weeks in 4 and also very much has his own social group, most whom I have never met.

This ^ is your issue.
You need to find yourself a babysitter before you can start developing friendships. Anything you might want to join, you won't be able to get to otherwise.

My closest friends are 1 from 1st day of primary school, 53 years ago! but she lives 250 miles away. Then 2 from University and then 2 from making friends with school Mums 19 years ago and also 3 friends from work but sadly one has died. I have made a good friend since I retired from a walking group but only known her 2 years. Then I have 2 bloke close mates, 1 through work and one through voluntary work. Then a few more acquaintances.

You need to interact with big numbers to meet those few you can truly get on with. Plus you need to filter quickly so you don’t waste time with people that aren’t a good fit for your sake and theirs.

DH is from Surrey and it’s the most unfriendly place I have ever been to.

So it can be done and I have completely relocated twice knowing no one.

Your husband needs to pull his finger out and do some childcare. If he is a big earner and you can afford also pay for some childcare. To never meet your husbands friends is a bit odd.

I haven't got any friends that I went to school or University with, or school mums. I think a lot of friends are temporary, as per the situation at the time. So it's not unusual.

Those I do see from time to time and keep in touch with in person are from work. Am I part of a social group too, where I see people on an ad hoc basis, could you set a group up?

I think just keep going. My experience of ‘mum friends’ is most are transitory as you move on. Not for everyone but for me. What about a running club or sport?

its harder but don’t worry it’s not impossible. & I say that as an autistic woman who has moved cities alone three times. Two years ago I spent my birthday alone and I didn’t mention it to anyone at work because I was embarrassed I had no one to spend it with. I also lied to my parents that I was going out with friends. This year I went on holiday with ‘new’ friends for my birthday

I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from uni (only graduated 3 years ago too), and have 2 acquaintances not close friends from school days. I also don’t have Instagram which can be a red flag to some people especially in the early stages of getting to know someone. I often use a vague excuse for why I don’t have Instagram, deep down the reason I deleted it was because I didn’t have much to post, and constantly seeing people out with their friends made me feel even worse. I remember wondering what it felt like to constantly get so many likes and comments on pictures. Also, I’m naturally shy and self conscious of seeming desperate and awkward (thanks to ASD).

despite all this from my experience, moving to London (supposedly an antisocial city) as an adult I went from less than a handful of friends who I rarely saw to someone who was invited to five birthdays this year. I now socialise with friends on average twice a week, and have met my friends friends to help expand my network more.

Tips:
Put yourself out there, say yes to as many social invitations even if it’s not something of interest. The more you socialise the better chance you have of meeting friends. Also, just because you go to an event where you don’t end up clicking with anyone (has happened to me many times!) don’t give up and don’t beat yourself up for it.

Join Bumble BFF and local Facebook groups. I have joined a Facebook group for women in London which is very active, and you’d be surprised even some of the women who seem very outgoing/popular on social media are still experiencing loneliness.

Once you meet someone you click with, don’t be scared to initiate meeting up again. It can feel awkward at first but it does get easier. Again it won’t always guarantee a friendship as sometimes people don’t have the capacity for a new friendship.

it won’t happen overnight but don’t give up! You can find friends at any age. Once you have some friends it’s then much easier to make more without much effort (getting introduced to their network)

Join a school PTA it's a good way to meet new parents and can lead to friendships.

This one no good? https://www.meetup.com/guildford-womens-20s-40s/events/302982104/?recId=9e84aa9f-78eb-4fa2-9eea-926016b8575c&recSource=keyword_search&searchId=86e87435-afcc-481a-bf2b-ec2773ad1961&eventOrigin=find_page$inPerson

Have you tried searching meetup for other interests?

I'm sorry you feel like that, op. Surely you will be going back to work sooner or later and you'll make friends then. You must be still quite young and you need more out of life. I certainly felt better for returning to work, part time but still I enjoyed it and was good at what I did. Later on I worked full time and things took off but one step at a time.

People are fortunate if they keep their friends from school, etc. Some do but most lose touch eventually, people move away, even abroad. That's life.

Having an interesting job is very fulfilling. Look forward to that.

OP is at work. It says in her OP she does 3 days a week but it's remote. One of the downsides of working remotely...

I know what you mean. I sometimes feel I'm watching my life go by.

Also... "having an interesting job is very fulfilling" is a bit of a privilidge tbh. Great if you're in that position. I'm stuck trying to change sectors/jobs and very much not in the "full filling" category. Most people just work to pay the bills.

Sorry to use the Mumsnet cliché, but you have a DH problem. Why has he basically abandoned his family?

Honestly this hasn't been true for me. I have a handful of good, solid forever friends from school and university but I don't see them all that often as we live all over. When we do get together though it's like no time has passed.

In the last 7 years since I've moved to my current location I've built up a new network of friends through involvement in local theatre (appreciate not everyone's cup of tea!) two smaller groups merged and now I'm part of a group of around 10 women (plus partners on occasion) who spend a lot of time together. My DW and I are having a baby soon and I know those girls are going to be the ones who have my back, they're our village. I actually met my best friend through theatre age 26 which I think is quite unusual.

Shared interests are everything! I think you just have to find your niche and sports teams and theatre/choirs are both great places to start

I don't really have any answers, but I did find this book v. interesting. He reckons it's a numbers game, a psychiatrist told me a similar thing it takes 1,000s of hours to make a really close friend and you only have "space" for about 5 ( including your spouse if you have one and close family members) for me that "ring" is full with DH, DD (aged 18), DM, DF and Dsis. The next ring is 15 some of which might also be family, then 45 etc. If the people you meet have full rings then they are just not looking for friendship at that time. This explains it better.
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20191001-dunbars-number-why-we-can-only-maintain-150-relationships

I don't have a big circle.
I don't want a big circle.
I lost touch with childhood friends.
I'm not lonely.
If you are feeling lonely then you have to get out and get involved in things - you might not make as many friends or as close a bond as a lifelong friend, but you'll likely find folk with similar interests/things in common and who you can share joy with.

Or lead to having to avoid the crazy parents.......🫣

I am older than you and my closest friends are from work although I am now retired and mums I met when my children were small and friends I have made through my hobbies and joint friends with DH. I never did uni and moved away from where I went to school so I don't think those are necessarily a good way to find lifelong friends although both my daughters who are the same age as you do have school friends they see but they are living in the same area they grew up so you moving around and peripatetic childhood isn't helping.

You have 3 young children so it should be possible to make friends with other mums. Can you not do play dates and see if you can find a kindred spirit? Even if you work remotely do they not do away days or is there an office you can go into occasionally to forge some bonds? I think you also need to talk to your husband as he seems to be living a very different life to you if he has a separate social group, travels a lot and works long hours. When do you see him? Can he babysit the odd evening and you do a class or take up a hobby?