AIBU to think if you haven’t got your life friends from school / uni, you’ll be forever lonely??

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I have moved quite a lot in my childhood (with parents) and 20’s (with job) but finally in my late 30’s, my husband and I are settled down in Surrey with 3 kids (6,4,1). I was so keen to finally meet mum friends and properly settle down. I have good friends from childhood years but almost all live in a different country and it’s so hard to see them regularly.

I have made a couple of good friends in surrey but most of my new found friendship group I met with my oldest child when we were on maternity leave together and they have kids age 4-8. Therefore their kids are in school now, they are pretty much working full time again and seem to only want to socialize when it suits them with childcare which is rarely. EVERYONE has childhood friends or school friends or uni friends that they count as their real friends and prefer to spend time with during their limited weekends. I really don’t have this in the area we live and am so keen to find people. I am a bit shy at first but actually a really social person. I went to school mum Christmas drinks this week which I was really looking forward to but only 3 people turned up and it was over by 9. Our school class is terrible, NO ONE is remotely interested in socializing. I have joined a weekly exercise class but again that is very cliquey. I have tried to look for a book club but not had much luck - all are online but I want something to meet people in person to spend time with. Doesn’t help that my husband works 7am-8pm every day, is out on average twice a week with work and travels 1 or 2 weeks in 4 and also very much has his own social group, most whom I have never met. I also work 3 days a week (remotely 😭 so no socializing there either) but it means my hours to myself are so so limited.

I’m getting to the point where my kids, the endless housework and the odd decent book for the evening are enough as I give up with trying to make a life for myself. I do feel myself slipping away sometimes though - almost feels like I’m in a dream and I’m starting to dream up social interactions rather than living them (crazy I know) I don’t really see my husband that much at the moment with his mad work schedule.

Can anyone give me tips on making decent long lasting friendships? Where have you had luck meeting people? Part of me thinks we up sticks, move and start again!!

One friend from primary school, but she has lived the other side of the world since she was 21. None from secondary or uni. A couple from a course I did as a mum of young children -it was quite interactive, and we continued it on a self-learning basis after the course finished. A couple from an outdoor hobby with lots of time for chatting, and 3 from playing music together. A couple from an internet chat group.

But the easiest source has been voluntary work, particularly when I’ve offered to be on a committee. If you’re treasurer, or membership secretary, people need to talk to you, so even if you’re a shrinking violet you get drawn in.

Sadly, I never really had friends from school or Uni. I was at boarding school and never really made friends there. I switched Uni each time between degree, MSc and then PhD and was totally focused on study. I really do notice that difference with DH who has old school friends, I just don't!

Sport is a great way to meet people. I was a very good hockey player, and made good friends that way. We moved to our current location in the south east only 3 years ago, and the people I've met here are through running and church. It was the same when we lived for a few years in Dublin Ireland, i.e., nice friends made via sport and church.

I have no school friends, and only a couple of uni friends. I'm in my 50s with two young teens (13,16).

• at work (I really hit it off with a new starter whose ds is a bit older than mine).
• as a Cub leader
• on the committee of after school club
• through a local cycling club
• at the gym
• pottery evening class

I don't have any friends from school or university. I've changed a lot since then and it has been hard to maintain friendships as our lives have gone in different directions.

Most of my friends are from work, plus one from a shared hobby and one who I met at a singles event (a woman - we bonded over how terrible the men were!)

I have just moved to a new country by myself and have no friends here. My plan is to go 'meetup' style social events and to join a running club. It's pretty daunting because I've moved here as it's about to be winter (and winters here are brutal) so I'm not sure how up for socialising people are going to be.

I think you just have to put yourself out there, as PP said, as difficult as it can sometimes be.

I struggle with this too. I am not as social as you (want to be) so this is not what I have done, but my SIL has.

Say yes to everything. Give it a try.

Accept friendships will take a while to build - it is not like all being in the same situation.

It takes a concerted effort and you may need to do things that wouldn't necessarily be what you expected. Volunteering for PTA, joining a choir, sports team or running club.

Don't rule out MeetUp groups - if there is an event you find interesting go along with the aim of enjoying the event and if you meet friendly people that's a bonus.

SIL's kids are older so childcare isn't an issue but she has also done some group activity holidays and days out - some are women only.

What would be different if you moved area to "start again"? Unless you move to somewhere you have an established group of friends then you would be in the same position you are - except without the acquaintance/school mum friends you have. So if you like where you live and kids are settled that wouldn't be my suggestion.

Thanks so much for everyone’s comments. I was inspired to be a bit braver today after reading them and spoke to a new group of mums today at a playgroup with my daughter and then when I bumped into a mum that I knew a bit this afternoon, I asked if she fancied an impromptu coffee and we actually went!

I do have a fair few mum friends I’ve realized, I just feel like we see each other only after school with kids and talk 99% of the time about kids! After reading all these comments, what I actually miss are work friendships. All my work friends through my 20’s were such a massive part of my social life and I think dropping my career to be a mum and just working a few days 100% remotely is taking its toll. Hard though because I LOVE being there for my kids as much as I am. Everyone at the moment has so many work Christmas events and I miss it!

And should also add, I feel like I painted my husband in a terrible light 😂 He’s great, fantastic Dad and we have a great relationship but like many people in this very expensive area, he is a high earner with a huge job, loads of responsibility and works very hard. The reason I don’t know his friends is that he is still in London 5 days a week, still has all those work friends etc so tends to just go out straight after work. I could go meet him but the absolute mission of sorting out the kids, finding a babysitter, going into London etc just means it doesn’t happen!

We have no family help so no easy babysitters but I really am going to concentrate on finding a regular trust worthy babysitter! My youngest is over 1.5 now and is at nursery a couple of days whilst I work so absolutely fine to be left now. If I know I have a babysitter coming, it will hopefully force me to be a bit more confident asking some of the mums if they fancy an evening drink without kids!

Yes sport good. I meet a few for coffee. Met through our daughters sport they 18 now! Have few school mams. One mam from my primary while lovely she takes weeks to commit.. find people flaky since covid. But one said wends just fill up she no free time. Def harder now people dont commit. Im 50s

Well done op!

When I was new in town I approached loads of mums at toddler groups many moved away looking concerned 😀 others became my people 15 years later we are heading out for a night on the town right now!

Mate - you need to tell your DH the brutal truth that unless you and him have a decent relationship then you’ll end up divorcing and he will lose half of that BIG JOB money.

I work in finance, I see it a lot. Divorced dads talk a lot about money.

sounds like something needs to change

Most of my good friends are through work ( teacher) and church. In recent years I joined an adult ballet class and have made friends there.

That sounds promising OP.