AIBU to think if you haven’t got your life friends from school / uni, you’ll be forever lonely??

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I have moved quite a lot in my childhood (with parents) and 20’s (with job) but finally in my late 30’s, my husband and I are settled down in Surrey with 3 kids (6,4,1). I was so keen to finally meet mum friends and properly settle down. I have good friends from childhood years but almost all live in a different country and it’s so hard to see them regularly.

I have made a couple of good friends in surrey but most of my new found friendship group I met with my oldest child when we were on maternity leave together and they have kids age 4-8. Therefore their kids are in school now, they are pretty much working full time again and seem to only want to socialize when it suits them with childcare which is rarely. EVERYONE has childhood friends or school friends or uni friends that they count as their real friends and prefer to spend time with during their limited weekends. I really don’t have this in the area we live and am so keen to find people. I am a bit shy at first but actually a really social person. I went to school mum Christmas drinks this week which I was really looking forward to but only 3 people turned up and it was over by 9. Our school class is terrible, NO ONE is remotely interested in socializing. I have joined a weekly exercise class but again that is very cliquey. I have tried to look for a book club but not had much luck - all are online but I want something to meet people in person to spend time with. Doesn’t help that my husband works 7am-8pm every day, is out on average twice a week with work and travels 1 or 2 weeks in 4 and also very much has his own social group, most whom I have never met. I also work 3 days a week (remotely 😭 so no socializing there either) but it means my hours to myself are so so limited.

I’m getting to the point where my kids, the endless housework and the odd decent book for the evening are enough as I give up with trying to make a life for myself. I do feel myself slipping away sometimes though - almost feels like I’m in a dream and I’m starting to dream up social interactions rather than living them (crazy I know) I don’t really see my husband that much at the moment with his mad work schedule.

Can anyone give me tips on making decent long lasting friendships? Where have you had luck meeting people? Part of me thinks we up sticks, move and start again!!

I rarely see school/ university friends. Most of mine I met through work, then a few school run mums, NCT and then yoga/ aerobics in the evening.

Blaming Surrey seems silly. There's simply no logic for friendship. Finding someone who wants the same level of friendship as you is complex. Why some friendships change from an occasional hello, to an acquaintance, to a friend or close friend, is complex. Like other pp's I have a friend from school, one from uni, a png group still going strong, a couple of groups of mums from ds's primary school, 2 camping friends. My 2 closest friends and I are in a group which messages daily, meets regularly for curry, goes on a girls holiday. We are actually all very different, but it just works. But you couldn't explain it. Keep trying, it'll come.

I met one person at a hobby in my late 20's. Through them, I met all of the people I'm friends with today in the area I live in.

You really only need to meet one person who is well connected and then you meet everyone.

Just keep going to things you enjoy and stop focussing on 'mum friends'.

Few blunt pieces of advice from me…

Start small, release the pressure of trying to find long-term friendships and just aim to be a little more social. Friendships develop with time and organically… Take the initiative and when the opportunity presents put yourself out there by suggesting a coffee or a walk with the kids etc

I think forging friendships through the kids could be a good bet. Host some play dates with their friends, suggest a trip out here and there.

Also don’t let anyone know you’re wanting to establish new friendships, even if that sounds harsh. It’s a bit like dating where confidence is attractive.

Believe in yourself and what you bring to the table as a friend. And keep on keeping on little by little. Do something for yourself… start a hobby.

Best of luck OP. If I was in Surrey I’d be your friend <3

My closest friend is a mum from school. Our kids aren’t keen on each these days, they’ve grown up and gone seperate ways and we’re both completely different people but it works somehow. And we’re not living in Each others pockets either. I’ve known her ten years and she’s been there for me during the worst time of my life to date.

i also am living a long way from where I grew up in Sussex. I’ve moved around a bit, uni, parents moving about and I haven’t kept in touch with anyone apart from one friend from my childhood.

I have other friends, another mum from school is lovely, we talk a lot and she’s great with my dd (I’m a single parent and her and her dh and their kids have sort of adopted dd as their 5th child 😂) . I have work friends too and friends from a craft group I go too, annd I’ve made 2 lifelong friends from a parenting group I went to when my kids were small. I’m also at the stage of my life where I just want peace. I’ve accepted that I will never have the friends I had from my childhood because I moved about but the friends I have now are priceless to me.

im 47 now and realising that growing friendships can take years and finding the right group/hobby/school friendships takes time and patience. I like what a pp said about concentrating on yourself and what you can bring to the table. It’s not always easy but worth it.

I live in North Wales now and that’s had its own difficulties eg the language and the subtle racism but I wouldn’t live anywhere else now.

Are there running/rowing/netball/football clubs? They tend to be very social and a good place to make friends

Parkrun / running clubs are brilliant for making friends. I moved to my local area and knew no-one and met all the people I hang out with now at parkrun and my local run club. Even if you hate running you can volunteer. Everyone goes for coffee afterwards and it's great. This does require your dh to be around Saturday mornings to look after the kids tho!

I don't have friends from school and only one from uni (arrended as a mature student). I moved a lot as a child, so had to make friends regularly.
I've made work 'friends', some of whom I contact/see once every Preston Guild, but essentially not really bothered to keep in touch with those who really were just colleagues, even if we did have a laugh/good working environment

I am FB friends with one person from secondary school, one from university, three from work.
I met my best friend at work.
I met DH at work.
My second best friend is a school mum (she asked to practise her English as she had an interview, and we hit it off, kids were 4yo)
Another friend I met on the bus!!

Bar the school mum and DH, all the others live in different countries. So, day to day life is quiet: work, family, dog, house; rinse and repeat.

I've got a bigger circle (of about 8) who I enjoy having a beer and a catch up with, but it's fairly infrequent. I have no time for out-of-the-house hobbies. I also find that my friends are quite 1-2-1, it's not a group. I'm not sure they'd like each other if they all met up!!

I'll get called defeatist and negative but I do think for some people it's extremely hard for them to find new worthwhile company at this stage of life let alone make new friends. It can feel like trying to make something out of nothing.

I think in the absence of potential opportunities I'd focus on doing things that you enjoy. Basically keep yourself interesting, take care of your mental health and if opportunities do arise then you'll be more able to take advantage of them.

I only have one friend from school (we've been friends for over fifty years, since primary school) and none from university. Some of my best friends I have met in the last decade!

Sounds like you have been unlucky with your area. We moved out of London with a baby to a place lots of other couples were doing the same so lots were also open to new friendships. I would be stuffed if I relied on old friends my two best school friends live overseas permanently uni friends are lovely but live 2 hours away and are now homebodies.

I only have one friend left from school. I have very close friends from Uni but they all live hundreds of miles away so I'm lucky if I see them more than a couple of times a year.

But I've got amazing friends from when my DC were babies, and amazing friends from the other school Mums. I don't tend to socialise with these people that much, if ever, without the kids. Our friendships have been formed bit by bit in the background of playdates, and babysitting favours, and family meals, and standing around in the playground while the kids zoom around together after school. Maybe for now just focus on socialising with people during the course of your day - at the school gates, at various baby/toddler groups with the 1 year old - rather than thinking about meeting up with people in evenings and weekends. That is precious family time for a lot of people but that doesn't mean they don't want to or can't be good friends.

I have moved around a fair bit, although I now live where I grew up, childhood friends are now in the minority for me and not the closest.

I have made great friends over the years and moves at amateur dramatics, school parent council, school run/play dates, sport and volunteering.

Many things have I tried that did not result in any friendships at all. I kept going if I enjoyed the thing anyway.

My gang from sport/volunteering are all ages, male and female.

Like a couple of people have said, it's a numbers game, try as many things as possible. Might take ages.

The one thing I have had to accept with regards to this is that I can't always have "equal friendships". I was lucky to make friends at toddler groups but these people tend to have family nearby or old school friends that will take priority. Because I don't have these things I need them more than they need me but it's fine as long as you don't act needy.

I think YABU. Lasting friendship cones from all eras of your life but builds up.

Keep going, you will make friends.

So I don't have school friends left but I do have a uni crowd that meets once a year or so. We are from all over so not local friends. One local uni mate we see with family every 6 weeks. Dh has a couple of best mates from uni we see every few months.

I made a good group of baby friends but they didn't last. We are still cordial and meet occasionally. I made one baby friend who introduced me to her friendship group and they are now, 14 years on, one of my main groups.

I've retained a couple of work friends from different jobs over the years and see them rarely. They are firm friends.

I kept one great friend from nursery who I see often. She and I move in different circles but I occasionally join her friends or she mine.

I have 2 best friends and a wider circle of school mum friends now my son is in y6. I lost touch with the school mums for my eldest when he moved to secondary and now only make conversation with his new friends' mums.

I have work friends from my current job but ive been there over a decade and used to be more in person and we enjoy spending time as a team.

I have church friends as I sing in the choir. I'm 46 and that's a new group.

I plan holidays, trips out, meals, parties with all these people. I don't lack for friends. I've built them up over time and retained all the friends I've had over 46 years.

Can you not reconnect with the school friends who still live in UK? (I noted you said ‘almost all’ live abroad so I assume there are some friends who didn’t move?) What about your university friends?

Or work colleagues? Did you keep in touch from people you’ve meant in past and present jobs?

I have two close school friends although as we have got older (forties ) our meet up's have become a few times a year we do catch up on what's app.

I've had work friends but have always found the friendship never went past the common ground.

I have had mum friends with all three of my kids and yes I discovered it was more friends of convenience. With my third dc there are two women I stay in touch with and sometimes meet for coffee.

My dh has 5 friends from childhood who we do couple stuff with from time to time.

I've basically accepted I'm not destined to have a big social group and I don't have a social life through my extended family either.

I keep busy with kids, work part time, I go to the gym. I do go to a book club once a month. See in-laws a couple times a month plus every few months a social event may happen . Dh and I do stuff together.

I love chatting on here as it gives me opportunity to share my views and offload in an easy way.
I recently shared a difficult experience and had hundreds of replies of support, advice and of course a bit of judgement!

If I ever feel seriously lacking I will join a meet up group or do some volunteering

I met two of my closest friends when I was on mat leave through MeetUps. Someone had started a Meet Up for mums from our cultural group and a few of us branched off and formed what feels like life-long friendships.

Keep going trying to find more friends. It takes a long time. Go to mother and baby groups with your 1 year old and find some friends with other 1 year olds.

I have a small number of friends still from university but none of them live anywhere near me. None from school days.

I have some "mum" friends but a really eclectic mix, not necessarily those who had children same age as mine, in the end, just the ones with whom I really clicked. It fell into place after a very long time.

I also have lots of friends from a hobby - good idea to get babysitter to go out.

My best friend from school died when she was fifty. I have lost a couple of uni friends, too. My oldest friend I met at uni - we meet up once a year as she lives on the opposite side of the world. I have two very good friends where I live - I met one at Church, and the other is the best friend of my son’s best friend (son and friend now married with children of their own.) My sister has loads of friends - from living abroad; from clubs she goes to; from when she used to work. Some people just have more friends than others - and even if you make friends with people, you can’t be super close to that many people. When my children were little, I didn’t socialise that much - because you are busy with your children and they are busy with theirs, or you’re at work. It’s just the way it goes - but living in Surrey, I would have thought there would be groups you could join. There will be in-person book groups if that’s what you’re interested in - or if you can’t find one, why not start one yourself with some of the other school mums?

YABU. Of course you can make friends!

So, three people turned up to the drinks. Since they went to the drinks, it stands a chance that these three women are interested in making friends with people. Next time you run into one of them, approach them, ask how they are, and ask if they'd like to meet for coffee or whatever else. Or just message them if you don't think you'll run into them.

I'm aware that sounds overly simplistic. But a few years ago I made friends with a lady who does exactly that. It feels like she asks basically everyone she meets out for coffee. Not all of these coffee dates lead to friendships, but a great many do. She has loads of good, genuine friends.

It's really inspired me to be more forward. Before meeting her, I'd be much too anxious/awkward about it. But I've now realised it doesn't matter, and you have to just go for it!

I have good uni friends but see them infrequently due to distance. My good close friendships where I see people regularly are now from previous workplaces, and my sports club.

I do have close childhood friends, but the people I see most are ones I’ve met on group hikes, solo walking holidays (anrranged, group holidays, but not with DH), and dog walks.