AIBU to think if you haven’t got your life friends from school / uni, you’ll be forever lonely??

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I have moved quite a lot in my childhood (with parents) and 20’s (with job) but finally in my late 30’s, my husband and I are settled down in Surrey with 3 kids (6,4,1). I was so keen to finally meet mum friends and properly settle down. I have good friends from childhood years but almost all live in a different country and it’s so hard to see them regularly.

I have made a couple of good friends in surrey but most of my new found friendship group I met with my oldest child when we were on maternity leave together and they have kids age 4-8. Therefore their kids are in school now, they are pretty much working full time again and seem to only want to socialize when it suits them with childcare which is rarely. EVERYONE has childhood friends or school friends or uni friends that they count as their real friends and prefer to spend time with during their limited weekends. I really don’t have this in the area we live and am so keen to find people. I am a bit shy at first but actually a really social person. I went to school mum Christmas drinks this week which I was really looking forward to but only 3 people turned up and it was over by 9. Our school class is terrible, NO ONE is remotely interested in socializing. I have joined a weekly exercise class but again that is very cliquey. I have tried to look for a book club but not had much luck - all are online but I want something to meet people in person to spend time with. Doesn’t help that my husband works 7am-8pm every day, is out on average twice a week with work and travels 1 or 2 weeks in 4 and also very much has his own social group, most whom I have never met. I also work 3 days a week (remotely 😭 so no socializing there either) but it means my hours to myself are so so limited.

I’m getting to the point where my kids, the endless housework and the odd decent book for the evening are enough as I give up with trying to make a life for myself. I do feel myself slipping away sometimes though - almost feels like I’m in a dream and I’m starting to dream up social interactions rather than living them (crazy I know) I don’t really see my husband that much at the moment with his mad work schedule.

Can anyone give me tips on making decent long lasting friendships? Where have you had luck meeting people? Part of me thinks we up sticks, move and start again!!

I’m in Surrey now ( having moved from London) and have made friends with a big group of women who were “ school mums “. For me I was introduced to them in Year 6 but they had been an established group for a few years. If your school mixes up classes as mine did you will have opportunities to meet other parents as you go through the years. You may find the younger children’s classes are more sociable too.

I have done proactive things to make friends though…. I hosted a get together at mine one year since I lived near the school and started a little book club of my own which met at home. You could also put the word out on Meet Up.com and see if anyone else is interested in starting a club . I did respond to an advert like that in Covid and I know that book group is still going strong ( they meet in pubs). Gym classes for me never worked but tennis has and I’m getting to know more people there. This year we’ve also bought a dog and I probably speak to more new people that way than any other activity.

I have one friend from school, two friends from uni - all live in other countries so two I haven't seen in years and it's only the odd email or Christmas card, though one is on FB so I do see highlights of her life (she posts about once a month).
Several good friends are from my first few years work, when we were all young and bushy tailed and hadn't yet met partners. Work was also our social life. 40 years later I still see a few pretty regularly.
Then school mums. First school my Fife went to I didn't connect with anyone, but second one there was a weekly coffee morning at the local cafe for the two class years my kids were in - drop in of available and some weeks it was three or four but sometimes ten mums. My son's class in particular I met several women that have become very good friends. I have no partner (I'm a widow) so I seem automatically excluded from many couples type social events like dinner parties (sub conscious or not - it is a thing). So I make the effort. Meet someone who seems friendly? I suggest we meet for coffee. Volunteering opportunity at school/church etc? I'm in. Regular dog walker that always stops to chat? Ask to meet up same time tomorrow to walk together. Sure not all these will lead to anything but you never know.
But it was through work and school that I met most of my current friends. And three people I employed (builder, handyman and decluttering expert) have become close friends too.

Have you tried Facebook groups or apps? There's an app called peanut which is like tinder for mum friends. Also try creating a Facebook group eg "(your area) mums" and share it in local community groups. I bet you'd be surprised how many mums are in the same boat

Quote:
"Part of me thinks we up sticks, move and start again!!"

I would have thought that you would want to avoid disrupting your children's friendships and schooling, potentially starting them on the path to the same problems that you are experiencing?

The main barriers to meeting people and socialising regularly seem to be your husbands work hours and your work from home. If you move you will take these issues with you? It would make more impact to change either of your work than your location.

Some of your loneliness must be missing time with your husband? Can he look for something with a better work life balance? Also this opens up opportunities to meet other school parents as a couple - who often later do things as the mums or dads.

I'm not friends with anyone from school, I'm a different person now to who I was back then. Ive got lots of friends I've made as an adult though. My kids are in their twenties now, but my closest friend I met through DC2 when he was at nursery. Other friends I met through the PTA at primary school. More recently I've made friends through sport or yoga. As an adult, I don't need the kind of close, all consuming friendships you have as a teenager, different friends meet different needs.

All my friends were made through work

Not at all.

I knew even when I was at school that no one there would be a lifelong friend. I did think university would be different but I suppose in retrospect I was still "finding myself" rather chaotically. Still in touch with a few people but it's not really a friendship group and it's also not the people I thought I'd stay in contact with.

Found my real lifelong tribe and chosen family when I moved to London after graduating. About 3 or 4 separate but overlapping groups of people that I met in my 20s and 30s. And I still enjoy meeting new people in my 40s so I don't think I'm done with making friends yet.

This is a great idea

I don't have close friendships with anyone from school, mostly they have very different lives to me, lots pregnant or in prison before i'd even finished sixth form college. I do have a close group of uni friends but we don't all see each other in person a lot because we live all over the place. Some of my closest friends I have worked with, my best friend I worked with in a bar for 3 months when I was 18 and she was 21, we've been each other's maids of honour, been through all the ups and downs of life. 3 of my other closest friends I have worked with in the career I have now in the justice sector, 2 I don't work with anymore, we joke that we're so close because of the trauma bonding but there's probably some truth in that. I have a few friends from sports, one I used to live across from. DH similarly doesn't have any school friends he is close to, his closest friends are from work or his hobbies. His best friend he met doing a shared hobby about 15 years ago.
As for the school mums there are some I get along with but I'm pretty sure once school is done they won't be enduring friendships and that's fine

I moved to a different country at the age of 21. I only have one school friend I am still in touch with. I went to uni as a mature student, everyone was 20 years younger than me.
I made friends at work in my old company but moved to another part of the country at 39. We are still in touch, though, but not seeing each other regularly.
I work fully remotely for the last 3 years but I made a few friends at work because we still work collaboratively so there is a lot of opportunity to "bump" into people online. I started arranging meeting with people from work in real life. I would often find an interesting event and message one of the people to see if they want to join me. After a while, people started to reciprocate. I don't organise group outings as these are more likely to fall through.
Recently someone had an issue at work and I offered to drive over to their house to help in person. We had a good chat and thought we might want to organise a social outside of work. She never followed through but I am going to message her after Christmas to invite her for lunch.
I guess, what I am trying to say is that if you want to make friends, you need to be proactive. It's very possible to do.

Join a group activity - a choir or an amateur dramatics group, or join the Women's Institute or the local branch of the Arts Society, or a walking group. Get a dog! Good luck - you WILL find your people, but it will take some effort and you may have to kiss a lot of frogs first!

The way to get lifelong friends is through things you're passionate about. Even if you move away or your lives get busier there'll still be a thread holding you together, events you still all want to go to, reasons to send a message. The friends I met through music, art and politics scenes in my 20s are all still into those things now.

My DD complains that her classmates are friends only because their parents went to school together and she can't break in. And she's not wrong, they are a cliceqy group.
Like you I have moved lot. What works for me is finding people who are also not from the area, and getting involved with Guides and other kids clubs. I've made some good friends that way.

My best friends I made after 30. You have to get out there and do things. Week after week. People start as just 'hobby friends' but gradually you might find you get on well with an individual when you have coffee afterwards and eventually suggest a hobby group related outing etc etc. Takes time and you have to put yourself out there. I wfh part time and it's isolating so I also volunteer on my day off. I haven't made friends as such but enjoy the social.interaction and it feels more like living. Oh and I also invest time in family members - they can be an amazing support network. That means I don't need as much from friendships which I think helps. People don't want to feel they're your therapist on the whole.

Start a book or any club with the school mums. It will give you a focus.

can you think about working in an office again? It really can be a boost.

don’t give up! I’m closer to friends I’ve made in the last 10 years than at school now as we have more in common. Others will feel the same

Try crafting there might be a knit /crochet night near you or one run by a guild if you are interested. I go to one weekly for 2 hours on a Monday just as a way of connecting with other knitters and just chat and I get to have some space for me. I do have mum friends and friends from school I still meet, but none of them enjoy my hobbies and knitters and other crafters are very friendly.

I think being in your thirties it is a tough time for making friends, your peer group are often busy and exhausted by day to day parenting.
If you have moved around a lot it's also difficult. I wouldn't expect a lot of school Mums. I made some casual short-term friends during this time but nothing stuck because we really didn't have much in common other than children the same age.
I think you need to follow your interests and friendships will follow. I firmly believe that friendships are better as a slow burn rather than a quick and intense relationship that some people prefer.
When you find people you click with you sort of know and "grab" them.
I have also moved a lot and have no friends from my early life but have plenty of friends ...picked up from various places- volunteering, work, hobbies, a neighbour and a friend who started off as a colleague of my husband.

I do have sympathy, OP - I’m a bit the same.
Long before email, my parents moved 100 miles away during my first year at uni, so almost inevitably I lost touch with school friends.

Very soon after marrying dh and I spent over 13 years abroad. Again well before email, so I lost touch with the few real friends from uni.

I did make good friends among other expats, but eventually we all left and almost inevitably they are very scattered, none of them live anywhere near.

I’m still in touch with 2 ‘house share’ friends from in between uni and marriage, but they both live a long drive away too.

I did make one very good friend from dds’ senior school mums, but tragically she died even before they’d done their A levels. And TBH, after so many years away, I never had much in common with other school mums.

I’ve got friends from pre retirement work, but there’s only one I’d ever say was more or less on the same wavelength, and none is what I’d call ‘close’.
Probably just as well I’m not too bothered about it all, but then (unlike a dd!I). I never was a super-sociable extrovert.

I am really lucky that my 4 closest friends (all of who are my bridesmaids) I met at school. 3 I actually went to school with, and one I met through a friend. 22 years later we’re still all very close.

my DP though hasn’t got any friends from school and instead has met his friends through work - his closest friend he worked with 7 years ago and they are as close as brothers. i’ve never made any long standing work friendships.

I think for me now if I wanted to make friends it’d be through a hobby - I have met people I genuinely like through a book club and also through volunteering so that’s definitely a way I’d recommend!

Part of me thinks we up sticks, move and start again!!

Well, that might need to happen. If you've tried everything typically suggested on these threads over a period of years in your current environment, and nothing has worked, then, yes, I would consider moving. Sometimes person and place are just a poor fit, and then all the efforts in the world won't produce friends.

I'm a socially-confident person, who has never struggled with friendships, but I lived in one place for seven years where the kind of people whose company I enjoy simply didn't live there, so it was a social desert. I did make friends at work in the nearest city, but it did contribute to us deciding to move on.

In your shoes, I'd do it sooner rather than later, because of the ages of your children.

Our PTA is the biggest clique going. They come across as if they’re a cut above the rest of us and I say my pleasantries but that’s about it.

I speak for our school. No one else’s.

I think it's quite common tbh. Of course there are exceptions.

I wished I had made more friends in my 30s. I did have quite a few friends but then one I fell out with, and several of the others basically dumped me.
For years I kept up with people from uni but it became clear it was all about me making the effort and travelling to them across country, not even meeting half way. So they fell apart.
Im now finding 50 is a hard age. The groups near me are very split into women in their 20/30s, people much much older (my WI average age seems to be about 80). Some of the people I do meet don’t want more friends.

I've met all my good adult friends through work. That way we've got much more in common than exercise classes or school gate with its randomness. The chances of finding likeminded people with similar enthusiasms is much higher.

it is really hard.
I went to boarding school when I was 15 so lost touch with the people went to school with up until then, a few I am 'facebook friends' with.
Boarding school friends are spread over the world so dont really keep in touch.
Dropped out of uni then me and DH went travelling and lived abroad for a few years. Again friends from that era are just facebook friends.
We then moved to a small town and had kids. Over the years I have had various groups of 'mum' friends but they fade away as kids get older etc.

Now mine are all teens and my friendship groups consist of

• DS2 best friends mum - we are really good friends and do stuff with and without the boys. Been away as families on holiday etc. However, we live very close to her family and friends from school so I am not her 'main friendship group' although I do go to things with her and them sometimes.
• Work - we are a small company and all get on really well so although again are not each others 'main' group we spend a lot of time with each other and do lots of things outside of work too.
• Scouts- Me and DH volunteer with scouts so have created a lovely friendship group there. It also takes up some of our time with camps and planning etc. We also do things like leaders socials, hikes, weekends away etc.