Not aloud to touch the telly

[dazzledfrog]

Been married 12 years and have 4 children but not aloud to touch "his" telly which is in our lounge.

Dh uses it for gaming mostly or occasionally to watch something he wants and says nobody is to touch his telly apart from him.
He even has a code on it so nobody can touch it while he's at work.
Dc who are school age and a baby can't watch it after school because he's at work and nobody's aloud to touch it.
I can't watch it during the day and have a baby so I'm at home all day.
When I first met Dh he already had a telly so I accepted it was his telly but since then he's replaced it with our joint money and it's still his telly.
He isn't going to budge on this and no amount of talk or compromising is going to change anything.

He sits there all evening/weekends playing Xbox games and the rest of the family is never allowed to watch anything.
The (primarily school) children are told to watch telly in their room which they don't want to and he says I can talk to him while he's on his Xbox.
I wish we could have family time watching films or telly together.
I don't think there's anything I can do about it and feel bad for the children.

As much as the fuse/factory reset is amusing if he's that much of a jerk about the TV I'd be concerned about a violent reaction.

Can you buy another TV and put it right beside 'his' TV.
Buy a TV for yourself, please.
If he wants to game or watch his stuff he needs to buy headphones.

There are so many elements to this- he isn't "just" possessive over his tv. He is dominating what should be a shared family space where you should be able to spend family leisure time together. He is making the children watch TV alone in their rooms, isolating them, rather than watching a film together as a shared experience. He is displaying incredibly controlling behaviour by doing the above, even to the point of not allowing you to watch TV while you're at home and he is at work which would have no effect on him whatsoever. He is unwilling to discuss the issue showing a total disregard for your feelings and the childrens feelings. He has a complete disregard for the fact that the TV was purchased through joint finances which suggests a lack of respect for your financial contribution (or contribution via domestic labour) if really he sees the joint account as 'his' money. He is setting a bad example for his children in a number of ways- lack of respect, controlling behaviour, unhealthy amount of gaming time. If he is spending all evening and weekends on the xbox then I can only presume he isn't spending enough time being a father or husband, the list goes on...

Have you someone in real life you can tell about this?
He's not your Dad, he's not the boss of you.

OP, I wonder if you are with my ex. He used to say to me and the DC, "my telly, my house, my rules" and we all had to leave the room so he could watch what he wanted.

I would feel like taking a sledgehammer to it. How ridiculous.

@dazzledfrog Your husband sounds like a prize selfish cunt.

Your options are: 1) stay with the cunt and obey his cunting orders;

2. stay with the cunt and get your own communal TV and watch with your kids, and leave god's cunt gift to get on with playing Xbox like the tragic teen boy he is, with no interest in engaging with you or his children;

3. leave the cunt and have a happy life with your children.

OP get your own TV maybe in your bedroom or spare room if possible. Then ignore him.

Next time he fancies a bit of the other, tell him it’s your fanjo and no one else is allowed to touch it.

Why on earth would you ever go along with that?? Why would you allow him to model this sort of selfish behaviour to your children? Why don't you just buy another telly out of the joint pot and put it in the same room somewhere, or in front of 'his' telly? and watch it at the same time as he's gaming?

Why are you so afraid of him?

I have so many questions ....

He would be furious and seethe with gritted teeth, the children would be in tears and it just wouldn't be worth the agro.
He's never been violent to us but has a temper and is very shouty and angry and gets frustrated easily but he gets like that with the telly while he's gaming.
He doesn't do much at all with the children because he's not very patient and gets frustrated with them easily.
He thinks he can make it up to them by buying them something nice.
I think it's the gaming that makes him such an angry man.

That's no way for you and your kids to live. He's awful. Controlling, selfish and a shit father. Could you manage financially without him?

OP put a really heart wrenching post on here about how she's struggling and all I'm hearing is posts saying how weak she is for putting up with it, buy a another TV, cut the cable, put a brick in it. Maybe she's too scared, terrified of the consequences, keeping things on the low not to traumatise her children she stupidly had according to some posts. It takes a huge amount of strength to leave an abusive relationship I honestly think OP posting tonight was her first step.

The shouting etc is abuse and is frightening for children.
I grew up in a DV household and it does leave it's mark.

I hope you're ok, take some time to digest the responses. Some are harsh but mean well.

No, it's not the gaming, it's cos he's an arsehole.

I think it's the gaming that makes him such an angry man.

Give over.. It's not the gaming OP and you know it, stop making excuses for him, he is angry, shouty and makes the kids cry because he wants to.. no other reason than that.

Wake up and think about the effect all this is having on your children.. not having access to a communal tv is the least of their problems here, domestic abuse comes in all forms, just because he doesn't hit any of you doesn't mean you're not being abused. You're literally walking on eggshells around him.

Can you not buy another telly? They aren't that expensive, have a look on Argos. You could have it in another room or even the kitchen if you make it comfy in there. If his TV goes wrong you could tell him he's not allowed to watch yours.

Your husband sounds like a tyrant, I've never heard the like in my entire life. Why do you put up with it?

@dazzledfrog for what it's worth I think you did a really brave thing today. I also think your an amazing mum. You know what's right for you and your children if you need help contact womans aid, message me if you want.

It is not the gaming, it’s him.
youve read all of these posts op, what are you going to do? You have children growing up thinking the man of the house can control the living space and ban them from it, designate basic items all their friends get to just use as only for him, and yell and seethe at them. But it’s ok because he buys rhem things. What do you think they are learning about relationships? I can’t see any option other than sitting him down and saying you won’t let the children live like this anymore, you’re already worried about the damage done, and you don’t want to live like this either so you think he has to leave.

You said there is no other abusive behaviour but what you are describing is very much abusive. It's concerning that you don't see it as such but perhaps you need to discuss his behaviour with people in real life, or maybe even reach out to women's aid and talk day to day life through to help you realise this is not at all normal and is abusive.

Buy another one and put it at the opposite end of the room.

I didn't think he was controlling until I read these replies.
I have spent so long doing things his way I don't really trust my instincts anymore because if things aren't his way they are wrong in his mind so I try and do things his way so he doesn't criticise me and then I lose confidence so I don't like to do things on my own and he's happy to take over because he knows best so I step back and maybe have become more dependent on him but I managed before I met him.
He tends to take over most things that I do so I lose confidence in what I can do but I did manage before I met him.
I didn't really see it before because I focused on what he did for me.

Are everyone's replies helping you see things more clearly? The man you describe isn't a nice man and the home you describe isn't a happy home.
There are a lot of brilliant women on here who will hopefully have a lot of practical advice about things that might help. I know the Freedom Programme gets mentioned a lot for women coming to realise that they are in abusive relationships. Womens Aid too, as a source of help.
Trust yourself and your instincts. You knew that the telly situation wasn't right and I think you know that doing things his way so he doesn't get angry isn't right too. You don't have to live like this.

@dazzledfrog has he not heard of sharing? Your poor kids, and you need to get him to leave.