Not aloud to touch the telly

[dazzledfrog]

Been married 12 years and have 4 children but not aloud to touch "his" telly which is in our lounge.

Dh uses it for gaming mostly or occasionally to watch something he wants and says nobody is to touch his telly apart from him.
He even has a code on it so nobody can touch it while he's at work.
Dc who are school age and a baby can't watch it after school because he's at work and nobody's aloud to touch it.
I can't watch it during the day and have a baby so I'm at home all day.
When I first met Dh he already had a telly so I accepted it was his telly but since then he's replaced it with our joint money and it's still his telly.
He isn't going to budge on this and no amount of talk or compromising is going to change anything.

He sits there all evening/weekends playing Xbox games and the rest of the family is never allowed to watch anything.
The (primarily school) children are told to watch telly in their room which they don't want to and he says I can talk to him while he's on his Xbox.
I wish we could have family time watching films or telly together.
I don't think there's anything I can do about it and feel bad for the children.

This is 100% controlling and unkind I would never leave my partner and kids without tv access
putting up with madness to prevent anger and upset kids is 100% abusive
he is not parenting 50/50
he is not going to change it will only get worse

please leave and give you kids a happy childhood

I really just wanted to quote the first couple of paragraphs, because this is a horrific relationship and no ' tit for tat' nonsense is going to change that.

If you have girls they are seeing you treated like a second class citizen without power or agency in your marriage. If you have boys they are living toxic masculinity and may absorb some of your DH's worse habits.

If you think it would be too damaging for the kids if you split up, it is way more damaging for them to stay and witness this controlling , abusive behaviour.

Absolutely this. Your passivity in the face of this total nonsense is worrying and frustrating: you seem to think this is normal -- it absolutely isn't.

I haven't RTFT apologies but do you work? Have you got the means to leave? I realise it may not be as simple as just up sticks and go now but you really owe it to your children to leave. You need to start planning to do so for your children's sake. It's frankly a bit of a disaster for the to be growing up with someone who dictates to them and his wife in this way.

Please: sort it out and leave.

I cannot understand for the life of me why you had 1 child with this utter cunt, let alone 4!

FFS.

This is abusive.

I'm sorry this is fucking ridiculous and setting a horrible example for your children.

Get out. He may not be violent or controlling in any other way but if this was me I would not tolerate that sort of childish behaviour.

You are a family. Family spend time and share with each other. I find this incredibly sad for your children.

I would tell him it's shared, the code comes off, or he finds somewhere else to play his Xbox and you will get a new tv for the lounge for your family. People give them away all the time.

What a pathetic excuse for a human. A father at that.

I’d be putting ‘his telly’ in the front garden with the rest of his belongings and changing the locks. But to be fair OP, you’re facilitating this. It’s ultimatum time. TV for family use, gaming when they’re in bed. Why are you allowing him to act like a teenage twat when you have children ?

Your children will need therapy when they grow up from this vile man destroying their childhood. Be brave and move on without him.
I'd give him an ultimatum- either the gaming device leaves the house forever- or he does.

Don't be ridiculous. You're a grown woman with 4 children by this pratt, ofcourse it's wrong in every way. I'd rip the the thing off the wall and throw it out. No one ,but no one ,should ever dictate to you about anything let alone a bloody telly.
Stop allowing him to bully you and the children. He's a mean spirited bastard,
the exact opposite of what a real man is.

I would have smashed the bastard telly ages ago. Not even joking.

Enough with giving @dazzledfrog a hard time - those of you who haven't been in an abusive relationship (and I have) don't realise that it is all very insidious, you don't see what is happening until suddenly something jolts you and you see it...all of it...

It's then hard to work out what to do, because your self-confidence and self-belief have been so much eroded. You beat yourself up wondering how you haven't seen it coming, and feeling dreadfully guilty about the kids (when it's his behaviour that is at fault, not yours).

It's all very well to say "why did you have kids with him" or "you just need to leave" but if you haven't been in this situation you cannot possibly understand what a shock it is to realise what's been going on...it can happen to anyone, these abusive types are very, very clever at trapping you very, very slowly. If you can't say something supportive and constructive and help this poor woman to start to see her way through this, then please don't say anything - she's had enough abuse from her husband, she doesn't need more on here.

Smash the bloody thing (the Telly I mean - probably)

Exactly what I was about to say 👍

Sorry, but I cannot get over 'aloud' in your thread title. Allowed.
(Yes, I admit to being a pedant).

I can be a bit of a Grammar stickler but I don't think its really appropriate on a thread where there is a woman being emotionally abused by her Husband

Hope you're ok OP saw that you've struggled to sleep, I'm glad that seeing the sheer outrage from everyone on here has woken you up to this.

I suspect you knew this deep down or you wouldn't have come here for advice.

I honestly doubt that if in 12 years and after DC he hasn't realised how deranged this behaviour is, he ever will but understand leaving isn't as simple as that. However it's important that your kids have one happy parent.

He actively chooses not to engage in their upbringing and you are all better off without him, do you have friends/family you could lean on in the immediate so you can look at taking steps to separate?

Nailed it

Really? 🙄😒and that's your only take on this thread?

I'm not a great one for LTB responses, but in this case, I don't think you have much choice. He's using coercive control to undermine you, he's destroyed your confidence to the point that you have to come on here and ask if it's OK that he refuses to allow anyone but him to use the family TV. This is so bad for your children as well.

I was with a very controlling man for several years. It was only after I managed to get out of the relationship that I realised exactly how controlling he was. I looked back and thought, 'Why did I put up with that?' but at the time, he made it seem reasonable. He could also be violent, but the sheer threat of his temper was usually enough, and the constant background belittling of me. It destroyed my confidence for years and I still suffer from self-doubt.

It was eleven years before I dared get into another relationship - and that was great. There are men out there who are caring, who respect you, who share and who love. That's what you deserve.

Sorry your having a tough time OP, i hope you find the stregth to deal with this, remember you only get 1 shot at life, please don't be miserable and controlled like this.

Exactly. What is OP supposed to do? Shove them back up or have them adopted? There's never any useful information, sympathy or understanding for the OP's situation, just these trite, glib, 'holier than thou' responses.

Verbal violence (being shouty and angry) IS violence, @dazzledfrog.

Do you want your kids to grow up cowed and afraid because of their dad's moods? It will impact their mental health, their confidence and their ability to form healthy relationships - they will think it is normal for a partner to treat them the way their dad treats you and them.

You, and they, deserve better.

Don't say sorry when you aren't sorry. And don't say you can't get over something when you absolutely could just read it, wince if you need to, and get on with something else.
A woman is processing the realisation that her marriage is a controlling and abusive one and this is your contribution?

@Tatiepot

Enough with giving ^ a hard time - those of you who haven't been in an abusive relationship (and I have) don't realise that it is all very insidious, you don't see what is happening until suddenly something jolts you and you see it...all of it...^

I've been in an abusive relationship. Sometimes you do need it spelled out to you how bad it is.

I have a huge amount of sympathy for the OP but there comes a point where if its doing damage to your kids you have to grip it.

The OP has clearly been brutalised by this into thinking its normal and its understandable but sometimes the direct approach is necessary.

Oh fuck off