Not aloud to touch the telly

[dazzledfrog]

Been married 12 years and have 4 children but not aloud to touch "his" telly which is in our lounge.

Dh uses it for gaming mostly or occasionally to watch something he wants and says nobody is to touch his telly apart from him.
He even has a code on it so nobody can touch it while he's at work.
Dc who are school age and a baby can't watch it after school because he's at work and nobody's aloud to touch it.
I can't watch it during the day and have a baby so I'm at home all day.
When I first met Dh he already had a telly so I accepted it was his telly but since then he's replaced it with our joint money and it's still his telly.
He isn't going to budge on this and no amount of talk or compromising is going to change anything.

He sits there all evening/weekends playing Xbox games and the rest of the family is never allowed to watch anything.
The (primarily school) children are told to watch telly in their room which they don't want to and he says I can talk to him while he's on his Xbox.
I wish we could have family time watching films or telly together.
I don't think there's anything I can do about it and feel bad for the children.

What a freak.

His telly? Maybe he needs a shed where his telly (and him) can live then. But it's in a family room, the selfish nasty cunt.

I agree with you @Thepeopleversuswork, helping @dazzledfrog to begin to see just how bad this has got is necessary, as the poor lass is likely to have just got used to it, as so many of us do.

What is much less helpful is posters accusing her of being passive and ridiculous, or telling her to stand up to him...as if it's her fault/that's all she needs to do.

I'm sure she feels bad enough as it is, and people piling on when they clearly have no understanding of where she is and what she's going through will make her feel even worse. That's what I object to, people who are lucky enough to have no idea what it's like should not be berating her, she'll already be giving herself a hard time, I can guarantee it. I remember my GP very gently saying to me that abuse can happen to anyone, and that beating yourself up for having "put up with it" just uses emotional energy that would be better spent working out how to escape.

We're all here for you @dazzledfrog, just keep posting and we'll help as much as we can.

Then get him to move "his" telly to your bedroom and then he needs to fork out for a family tv in the living room where you and the kids can enjoy it together.
There's nothing better, especially with Christmas coming up.

He sounds like an arse - are you married? House in joint names?

Come on!

@Tatiepot

I'm sure she feels bad enough as it is, and people piling on when they clearly have no understanding of where she is and what she's going through will make her feel even worse.

I get what you're saying. But I see so many women posting on here who basically don't question what their husband or partner says or does: they assume by default that he will be right because they are so used to being told they are incompetent/stupid whatever and that any problem in the marriage is their fault. Sometimes making it clear how outrageous this is is useful.

Often this has its roots in their own family upbringing where there is a similar dynamic between the parents with the dad treating the mum like a child and assuming he is the "head of the family" simply because a man.

The OP does sound very passive, I'm sorry to say, through no fault of her own: most people would have realised some years ago that no one gets to insist that they dominate the TV purely because they have a Y chromosome.

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to give people a wake-up call on this stuff.

Honestly @dazzledfrog being a single parent will be sooo much better than putting up with this controlling man.

I've been a single parent for many years now and yes it's hard and lonely at times, but a million times better than what you are going through right now.

Do you work?

And this is why I am single. Why do women put up with this deranged behaviour.

I'm so sorry. What a shit he is. I'm not exaggerating when I say I would get a divorce rather than see my DC shouted at if they tried to watch a TV show - especially when that TV is in their living space too. Fucker.

OP your self confidence has taken a huge knock but honestly, it will come back if you gradually extricate yourself from this situation. Try and think of doing it for the children, not you, if it helps.

Ring Women's Aid. They will advise you. You're not alone. All of Mumsnet has your back.

I'd smash the fucking thing and file for divorce. What a twat you are married to! Please spare your children that shitty life and walk out

WTF. Leave the cunt. What an absolute twat! Why the fuck did you marry and have kids with such an arsehole?

Short answer is she didn't realise he was such an arsehole until it was too late.
And I've also learnt on here that abusive men can pressure their partners into having more DC to make it more difficult for them to leave.

This is truly awful. You and your children really don't deserve this. Horrible.

But she doesn't "he's nice in every other way" type comment shows she just doesn't see it and she's ignoring questions about if he does his share around the house.

Replace it with a new tv with your own code. He'll get fed up and compromise. Or disappear upstairs and you'll get all rye tv time.

My heart is breaking for you a bit reading your last post. You absolutely deserve the freedom to relax and be carefree in your own home. It's the most basic of rights. I'm so sorry that you are having to live like this and I hope you are able to find the strength to resolve it.

It's about so much more than the TV.

This sums up perfectly what it’s like to be in a coercive relationship. I’m so sorry OP, I hope you can get free of this horrible situation.

How are you doing today OP? Any more thoughts?
We are all with you here.

OP, hope you're ok today. I'm thinking of you.

I think you nailed this!
It certainly isn't because he likes having the children around. He seems to have made that quite clear with his "telly rules".

I hope the OP sees that she and the children deserve better and can be strong enough to value them all more than what he does.

This bears repeating on every, single page.

Posters need to stop being abusive as they tell the OP how abusive her NVDH is. It doesn't help to make her feel worse. She needs support, a hand-hold and encouragement to take what is a very difficult step.

Thank you @Tatiepot for being the reminder many need to read.

Dear OP everyone is rooting for you. People care. You have taken a huge step by talking about this. Really well done and brave.

This is definitely not your fault. You are starting to see how you and your children are being controlled by just the threat of his anger and shouting.
The behaviour of your H is actually illegal and has a name- it is called coercive control. It took my mum years to realise she was in a relationship like this. I’m in my sixties and my siblings and I have all been damaged by this. It’s horrible.
Please read up about it, and seek help from Women’s Aid. Get support - friends, family, your GP, ring Childline - reach out - because what is happening to you is wrong.

You must get help. Your children are suffering abuse as you are. Good luck OP