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Original poster

Not aloud to touch the telly

322 replies

dazzledfrog · 28/11/2024 21:01

Been married 12 years and have 4 children but not aloud to touch "his" telly which is in our lounge.

Dh uses it for gaming mostly or occasionally to watch something he wants and says nobody is to touch his telly apart from him.
He even has a code on it so nobody can touch it while he's at work.
Dc who are school age and a baby can't watch it after school because he's at work and nobody's aloud to touch it.
I can't watch it during the day and have a baby so I'm at home all day.
When I first met Dh he already had a telly so I accepted it was his telly but since then he's replaced it with our joint money and it's still his telly.
He isn't going to budge on this and no amount of talk or compromising is going to change anything.

He sits there all evening/weekends playing Xbox games and the rest of the family is never allowed to watch anything.
The (primarily school) children are told to watch telly in their room which they don't want to and he says I can talk to him while he's on his Xbox.
I wish we could have family time watching films or telly together.
I don't think there's anything I can do about it and feel bad for the children.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 29/11/2024 07:05

dazzledfrog · 28/11/2024 21:12

This is the only thing, he's not controlling in any other way, just possessive over his telly.

Show quote history

Maybe that telly needs to be in his bedroom and you use joint money to replace in in the lounge. This isn’t just possessive, the control and domination is really disturbing- sending kids to their rooms, not allowing them to play in the lounge! Not ok by any stretch of the imagination.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 29/11/2024 07:08

OP, you’ve have lots of useful advice on here so I’ll ask about your friends and family. Do you have much RL support? I think, if you do, it will help you enormously when it’s time for you to leave.

Women’s Aid will help, whether you have other support or not and I would recommend contacting
them once you have decided what you would like to do.

sometimesmovingforwards · 29/11/2024 07:11

Galdownunder · 28/11/2024 21:25

I’m picturing Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances here…

Yup… I’m picturing the whole set up on this one.
Sounds grim.

Menapausemum1974 · 29/11/2024 07:12

i would buy another tv out of the family funds and put it on the other side of the room or the wall and that can be yours and the kids!

Menapausemum1974 · 29/11/2024 07:13

oh and it's highly likely i would cut the plug off of his every time it annoyed me!

BogRollBOGOF · 29/11/2024 07:15

Be very careful while you make plans to leave this man. He's already unpleasnt enough that all the glib "buy another tv" "sell it" "reset it" "put a brick through it" type responses never occurred to you in the early days. While those responses are not a safe and practical way to mange the situation at this point, they do show most people's thinking about the intesnsity of his unreasonableness.

You can not remain living in this state. He is denying you and the children the right to live freely and communally in your home. Even when he's not there, he has his "sacred" object prominent in the communal living space reminding you all constantly of his presence.

Do your research on how to leave and be extremely discreet about it because if he realises that you're pushing back and trying to escape, he will very likely intensify his behaviour.

Be careful OP

TimeForATerf · 29/11/2024 07:17

I read posts like this and I feel sad for your life, a whole life going to waste rather than leaving him and living it. Even being in emergency housing with four kids must be better than this where you’re controlled in this way.

He is a total cunt, you could be poor, squashed, tired, scared but you would all be free. Thee would be light at the end of a long tunnel but you would be going in the right direction.

please think hard about your future and not just today 🌹

SweetBobby · 29/11/2024 07:18

I'd chuck the full lot out of the window, the man too preferably.

MyDeftDuck · 29/11/2024 07:22

Actually, you have FIVE children.......your DH is behaving like a spoilt brat........."You're not playing in my yard" springs to mind! I was at school with kids like this!

Televisions aren't that expensive these day, can't you go and buy another with your joint money, install it in the lounge and move HIS TV to HIS bedroom where he can play games to his heart's content?

Pinkpantherstrikes · 29/11/2024 07:23

He’s a selfish twat. Why do these men have kids when they obviously aren’t interested in being a father. I couldn’t have one child with a man like this let alone several.

EdithBond · 29/11/2024 07:27

Hi @dazzledfrog. I’m afraid your husband is being coercive and controlling to you and the children, which is a form of abuse. Not allowing you to watch a tv, and suggesting young children should watch tv in their rooms, even when he’s out, is very extreme.

If he also gets angry and shouts regularly at, or in front of, you and the children, to the extent you’re worried about making him angry, that’s also abuse.

He clearly doesn’t love or respect you. I advise you to end the relationship.

If you need time to get advice and make a planned move, then I suggest you purchase a tv, put it in the living room and use it whenever you like. If he wants to use his to game, he can go in the bedroom.

Janie143 · 29/11/2024 07:33

DreamyMe · 28/11/2024 21:40

This is horrible. It reminds me of how I grew up. My dad wasn't into xbox, but just the control and setting petty rules, and impacting the whole family with his moods.

It's crazy what I grew up thinking was normal. The effects are lifelong.

Get out for your children. You have the power to get them out and give them better than this. They deserve better and so do you.

Edited

⬆️ this
My Ex was exactly like this dad and the husband in the OP. Except it was the computer, TV and very expensive surround sound hifi which were all his bought with family money. No one was allowed to touch any of them. He spent most of his time locked in the spare room watching porn rather than gaming though. My biggest regret is I was so controlled that I didn't leave sooner and my kids suffered just like DreamyMe.

Jingleballs2 · 29/11/2024 07:35

Tell him to relocate "his telly" because you've bought a new one that people can actually enjoy in your shared lounge.

GiveMeSpanakopita · 29/11/2024 07:37

Do you think he might be in some Discord groups he'd rather you didn't know about? And that's why he doesn't want you touching the telly?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/11/2024 07:48

You've got this op. Yes it will be hard initially, and then, oh so wonderful.

Break free for your children.

Because growing up in the same space as this angry, disinterested selfish man will do them so so much damage.

The first step is the hardest. Make a call today. Woman's aid. A solicitor.

To make you realise how bad it is, reverse it. How would he respond if you treated him the way he treats you?

Janie143 · 29/11/2024 07:50

Also womens aid helped me leave safely. Don't let him know you are starting to see him for what he is. Act totally normal.

Janie143 · 29/11/2024 07:53

I have 3 kids and worried how I could manage but the alternative was worse. You can do it OP

Smittenkitchen · 29/11/2024 07:56

I just wanted to say that if you think it doesn't effect your kids, unfortunately that won't be the case. You can and should live free from his tyranny and live a life which empowers you, not diminishes you. I wish you all the best for the future.

ExcludedatfiveFML · 29/11/2024 08:06

Why are you so passive?

This is your life, and you're not only accepting being treated like shit, you're teaching your kids that this is normal.

Your best move is to withdraw all effort that benefits him. No cooking, no laundry, etc

Ultimately it's a waste of time because he's too pig ignorant, misogynistic and selfish to understand that he isnt superior to every other person in the house.

StMarie4me · 29/11/2024 08:08

Nasty.

Things some women put up with astound me tbh.

Okayornot · 29/11/2024 08:12

That's awful. The kids should be in the living room so they can be together and not grow up into antisocial selfish twats like their father.

Put the telly and his gaming gear in the shed (or better yet at his mums) and get a new one for the kids. By a new one I mean telly, but I could also mean father. One who puts the children's interests ahead of his gaming.

SerafinasGoose · 29/11/2024 08:12

AngelontopoftheTree · 28/11/2024 21:13

Do women seriously have children with these men??? What on earth possessed you to get, and stay!, involved with him?

That ship has sailed.

I'm not entirely sure why people think it big or clever to trot out this smug line on every single one of these threads. You people never disappoint, do you?

Ruggsey · 29/11/2024 08:14

I really hope you are realising that you and those poor children are in a highly abusive relationship.

I would advise you to contact Women's aid and tell your story, or walk into any police station.

He is a house terrorist and you are all being abused by a very bad man.

Your children deserve better than this and so do you.

4 children you have had with this horror?
Did you want 4 children?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 29/11/2024 08:16

@dazzledfrog get onto amazon and buy the remote control for the tv. tune it in and adjust all the settings, then hide YOUR remote control! really piss him off! then take money from the joint account and buy yourself a tv for your bedroom and your kitchen!! you could always remove the tv in the living room and put your family tv up on the living room wall. his can go in the shed! u and kids watch that and refuse to talk to him when you are watching! see how he likes being ignored!

CurlewKate · 29/11/2024 08:16

I hate in threads like this when people say "well, I wouldn't put up with this" or "I would annex the fridge" or "Just tell him no, OP" or "Buy your own telly"

Do you think if she could do any of those things she wouldn't have already done them? As an American friend of mine said "If you haven't walked in their shoes, don't tell them how to tie their laces."

@dazzledfrog contact Women's Aid here www.womensaid.org.uk/ .They can help you.