To not know how to talk to DD(11) about her weight?

[HippyKayYay]

Sorry this is a bit long.

The TLDR is: HELP - how do I handle an 11yo girl being a bit overweight and calling herself fat without giving her issues while at the same time making sure she doesn't gain more weight?

DD(11) is a bit overweight. I don't know what she weighs, but she carries a fair bit of weight on her tummy and clothes that fit in all other ways will be too tight on her waist. Periods haven't started yet, but she is pretty developed. She's always had a bit of a tummy, but it's become increasingly noticeable in the last 12 months.

We never talk about weight at home. I never talk about my body negatively, or about dieting or about food being 'fattening' or anything like that. However, DD is increasingly calling herself 'fat' or pointing out her 'big tummy' and I don't know what to say. If I say she's not, she calls me a liar. I try to talk about positive body image, but then she says 'so I am fat?!?' All her friends are very slim, so she also compares herself to them.

I really don't know how to approach it. My mum pointed out my 'puppy fat' at this age and said various other self-image-damaging things that took me a long time to get over. Is it ok to point out to her the relationship between nutrition and weight? How do I do it without implying she's overweight? I don't want to create food issues, but I'm not sure how much she's really aware of the cause-and-effect (despite it being covered loads in school).

Gentle/ covert changes at home in terms of diet and exercise haven't seemed to make any difference.

She doesn't do a lot of exercise (two after-school sports clubs + stuff in school) and isn't a naturally sporty or active person. Neither was I at her age. We've tried encouraging additional exercise, but she is very very resistant and told me the other night that every time we tell her she needs to get more exercise it makes her feel bad about herself and that's she's fat (we've never talked about exercise being related to weight loss and I know that weight loss is 99% diet anyway. We always associate it with positive mental health and just 'being healthy'). Family exercise (e.g. a walk or bike ride) on weekends is tricky because her younger brother does tons of sport (and is very slim) and he, reasonably I think, doesn't want to come home from 3hrs of sport on a Saturday morning to go on a walk.

Her diet is ok in terms of range, but she loves inherently 'fattening' things (butter, mayonaise, sweet food of any description, garlic bread, etc) and I feel like I'm always telling her to put less butter on her bread, etc. But she doesn't eat secretly or anything like that. I think they have a normal amount of treats/ junky food - she's not scarfing family packs of pringles or anything like that. I don't want to completely ban all sweet treats as then they become 'a thing'. The rest of the family is slim/ healthy weight.

So as not to drip feed. She is neurodivergent (we're going through the assessment process at the moment, but likely ADHD and possibly ASD too)

I'm not sure how you talk to her. But I would put fewer fattening foods on the table. It's not hard to cut out butter, mayonnaise, garlic bread for example - if they're not there then it's not a problem. And if she has lots of free time try to find her something else she'd like to do. Acting? Dance class?

At her age she is eating what you buy in to the house . So change the foods she is eating and she will lose weight .
I doubt she has much access to buying her own food ?

The biggest thing is her diet. You can't make up for over eating via exercise unless you spend all day exercising.

Offer healthy snacks and try to promote her eating protein and fewer carbs.

We don't put things like butter or mayo on the table. She'll go and get them from the fridge. Then us saying 'no' makes a big thing out of it.

She's buys lunch at school. And I really don't think she eats unhealthily at home. No more or less so than her younger brother (who doesn't have an ounce of fat on him) or her friends, but she is more fixated on sweet things/ treats than him/ her friends seem to be (she talks about sweet stuff a lot, will e.g. remember/ talk about whatever treat she had on an outing years ago!)

So if you don't put them on the table, where did she get the idea from? Do they serve mayo at school, and she is copying that?

Sounds like you need to not have any mayo in the fridge then. Or any garlic bread

Yes, exactly. You can't outrun a bad diet and all that...

But I guess it's how to talk about diet without making it about weight. She's too old for us to change her diet without her cooperation or without her noticing it.

My DD is 8 and loves carbs of all kinds and is very sendentary. She’s always been slightly on the bigger side but tipped into being ‘officially’ overweight recently. We’ve begun to make some changes as a result. It’s actually been easier than I thought - she’s suspected ASD too and gets very fixated on food but we are making progress.

We’ve

• reduced fattening foods in the house. She used to help herself to soudough bread with ketchup on 🤮 so now we simply don’t buy it.
• talked more explicitly about portion size, in a very matter of fact, this is what your body needs, kind of way.
• this also applies when she does get a treat in the shop. Her favourite crisps only come in grab bag size so I’ve been clear that’s two portions and she can only have half. This didn’t as draconian as it sounds, just talking about the difference between kids’ and adults’ tummies and needs.
• reduced the frequency of those treats. I hate to admit it, but we had fallen into some bad habits.

I’ve not weighed her recently but she does actually look slimmer already.

Kids with ADHD can have issues with food, it's that dopamine hit.

Because mayonaise is a relatively common food? We use it to make tuna mayo for sandwiches, for e.g.

It sounds to me like you are tiptoeing around the issue (s) and possibly too scared to talk honestly?

I think so many women are gaslighting themselves AND others that being fat is not bad, but also it IS bad, that diets and restrictions are bad, but that eating butter and garlic bread are also bad. You tell her her weight is fine, but you also tell her to put less butter on her bread.. j can see how she gets confused and frustrated

Can you be honest with yourself to start with. Is she overweight? Does she have a bad attitude to food and treats. Do you? Is she unhappy with her weight? Are you? Are you happy with your own weight?

In my experience. Kids like it when adults are honest with them. That can include saying things like "actually, I don't know" how about talking to her where you listen to how she feels, and ask her what would make her feel better

Stop skirting the issue and being dishonest/confusing

This is heartening.

I think small changes like this might work. DH is really terrible for buying 'crap' and used to always give the kids something sweet at school pick up (e.g. a kitkat). DH is a total beanpole, by the way, and eats whatever he wants (but at the same time isn't that interested in food).

Talk about her diet making her healthier. Talk about preparing her body for puberty and the vitamins it needs to help her mind. Talk about keeping her body in the best condition for older age by eating well. Talk about the vitamins needed for her hair, nails and skin to be healthy. Talk about her gut bacteria.

"We don't put things like butter or mayo on the table. She'll go and get them from the fridge. "

I think you were misunderstanding the posters point there op. Not having them on the table doesn't literally mean that, in this case it means them not being accessible at all I.e not in the house.

I haven't bought mayonnaise in absolutely ages, lots of the stuff you've convinced yourself is essential really isn't. Stopping her from eating it really won't make it 'a thing', my kids don't go nuts for the mayo when we eat out.

Just stop buying the junk food, she'll get used to the healthy stuff.

You believe she is over weight and so does she.

You understand it's mostly due to her diet.

But you also think what she eats is fine and she's too old for you to change her diet. Okeydokey

Mayo in a tuna mayo sandwich is quite different to just having mayo put on the table on it's own as an extra - I don't see where she got that idea from; unless it's something you used to do but now don't, or it's offered at school. In this situation I'd just not have it in the house and would make different sandwiches to break that habit.

We probably are being confusing. And I'm almost certainly too scared to talk honestly. My mother was 'honest' with me, and it gave me lots of issues.

I think she is unhappy with her weight/ her body. I think I am too as I see her being unhappy and particularly around buying clothes.

I like the idea of asking her how she feels (about her body) next time she mentions it and what she thinks she could do to feel better about it.

I think I'm trying so hard not to give her issues that I am, in fact, giving her issues.

We've done all this. Hasn't had any impact at all on what she wants to eat

My dd was like that. After all the angst, as soon as she went to secondary school she learned about nutrition and lo and behold she blossomed into a very tall slender beauty.
When the tweenies eat together they talk. That helped dd possibly.

Yeah, I don't know. I expect it was probably from mayo with chips on a holiday at some point in the last year or so. I have no idea where she got the idea of mayo on its own as a condiment because it's not something me or DH do. I don't even like mayonaise!

In terms of talking to her about her weight, you could try telling her you'll be making changes to food/routines in the house for everyone's health.

If she says again that you think she's fat, tell her you are listening to what she is telling you and you are hearing that she would like to feel better about her weight , and coincidentally, you were thinking about making changes for your own health too so everyone can do it together..

I don't think what she eats is fine. Sorry if I've given that impression

I don't know how to change what she eats without essentially sending her the message that she's fat and or that certain foods are 'bad' (both things that lead to longer term issues).

I'd talk to her about getting away from that judgement about size and weight and not getting sucked into the diet culture that discriminates against anyone who is not acceptable in the narrow definition of conventionally attractive. As an ND young woman she is more at risk of an eating disorder and she needs to value herself and have the self compassion and confidence to make really good choices for her long-term health and wellbeing.

if you recognise certain foods that she over uses or can have unhealthy fixations with. Then stop buying them.

adapt your diets, not a tuna mayo sandwich, tuna salad instead.
more balanced meals or even meal planners on the fridge.

but it’s also important not to hyper fixate.

maybe a weekly mother and daughter activity is going for a walk and having a chat.
dessert and snacks more fruit based rather than anything.

im honestly not that into crisps and cake and ice cream because i didn’t grow up eating them. I don’t associate them with treats or birthdays etc.

try to reduce emotional attachments to unhealthy foods. Or food in general.

find ways for activity that aren’t necessarily rigorous or obvious sport.
a bit of rock climbing, or indoor ski, trampoline, dance class.

I don't know how to change what she eats without essentially sending her the message that she's fat and or that certain foods are 'bad' (both things that lead to longer term issues)

You are the parent. Don't buy the food that she over eats on.
I agree with a poster saying you are skirting the issue.
She is already calling herself fat and telling you how unhappy she is with that.
It's affecting her mental health. So you have to take it upon yourself to make the changes for her.