To not know how to talk to DD(11) about her weight?

[HippyKayYay]

Sorry this is a bit long.

The TLDR is: HELP - how do I handle an 11yo girl being a bit overweight and calling herself fat without giving her issues while at the same time making sure she doesn't gain more weight?

DD(11) is a bit overweight. I don't know what she weighs, but she carries a fair bit of weight on her tummy and clothes that fit in all other ways will be too tight on her waist. Periods haven't started yet, but she is pretty developed. She's always had a bit of a tummy, but it's become increasingly noticeable in the last 12 months.

We never talk about weight at home. I never talk about my body negatively, or about dieting or about food being 'fattening' or anything like that. However, DD is increasingly calling herself 'fat' or pointing out her 'big tummy' and I don't know what to say. If I say she's not, she calls me a liar. I try to talk about positive body image, but then she says 'so I am fat?!?' All her friends are very slim, so she also compares herself to them.

I really don't know how to approach it. My mum pointed out my 'puppy fat' at this age and said various other self-image-damaging things that took me a long time to get over. Is it ok to point out to her the relationship between nutrition and weight? How do I do it without implying she's overweight? I don't want to create food issues, but I'm not sure how much she's really aware of the cause-and-effect (despite it being covered loads in school).

Gentle/ covert changes at home in terms of diet and exercise haven't seemed to make any difference.

She doesn't do a lot of exercise (two after-school sports clubs + stuff in school) and isn't a naturally sporty or active person. Neither was I at her age. We've tried encouraging additional exercise, but she is very very resistant and told me the other night that every time we tell her she needs to get more exercise it makes her feel bad about herself and that's she's fat (we've never talked about exercise being related to weight loss and I know that weight loss is 99% diet anyway. We always associate it with positive mental health and just 'being healthy'). Family exercise (e.g. a walk or bike ride) on weekends is tricky because her younger brother does tons of sport (and is very slim) and he, reasonably I think, doesn't want to come home from 3hrs of sport on a Saturday morning to go on a walk.

Her diet is ok in terms of range, but she loves inherently 'fattening' things (butter, mayonaise, sweet food of any description, garlic bread, etc) and I feel like I'm always telling her to put less butter on her bread, etc. But she doesn't eat secretly or anything like that. I think they have a normal amount of treats/ junky food - she's not scarfing family packs of pringles or anything like that. I don't want to completely ban all sweet treats as then they become 'a thing'. The rest of the family is slim/ healthy weight.

So as not to drip feed. She is neurodivergent (we're going through the assessment process at the moment, but likely ADHD and possibly ASD too)

Could you include her in making healthy meals? You could make it a special activity where you research recipes and then make it together. Conversations about what makes a good meal could come from that without it being specifically about weight.

Don't buy them if you can't enforce no with your child.

When her brother is at his activities for 3hrs, what is she doing?

Ok hang on. She’s 11! Neurodivergent people (I am one of them, so I can say this is true from my perspective) sometimes are late bloomers in terms of development. She might very well be like me, and have people thinking she’s in her 20’s when she’s 50 years old.
that belly is just how kids are shaped.

it sounds like she’s getting that language from her friends group.

I’d tell her she has a normal body for a healthy growing girl, and the language she uses is important. I’d tell her to treat her body as if it’s a small puppy she has care of; you’d want to feed it right, make sure it gets sleep, and you wouldn’t say nasty mean things about its belly - it’s a puppy!

I’d point out young animals like kittens and puppies to her, then show her pictures of cats and dogs. See how their shape changes? They don’t worry about it.

I’d help her stay active by finding fun things she liked to do, things that awaken her curiosity and develop her confidence in what her body can do.

I’d let her eat what she wants in balance and moderation. No boredom binge eating, but at the same time, sometimes kids need that freedom, too.

just let her be. She’ll be okay as long as those friends don’t constantly fill her head with body focus.

get her doing something like pottery (surprisingly physical!) or horse riding or dancing or fencing!

Sorry OP I haven't read all of the posts but wanted to say you sound like a lovely thoughtful mum who is doing her best.

It so unfair that her peers can eat whatever they want and not put on an ounce of weight.

It is probably hormonal too by the sounds of it.

I'm no expert but if it was my daughter I'd probably say something along the lines of ' I think you are perfect the way you are but if YOU would like to try and eat a healthier diet then I can help you'.

You could maybe look at something like Noom with her that shows what healthy eating choices look like. E.g what is going to fill you up more a biscuit or 20 grapes.

I have adhd and have had a really unhealthy relationship with food and can really relate to the dopamine fix from eating something tasty. There are some resources on Additude about healthy eating with ADHD:

www.additudemag.com/healthy-eating-habits-adhd-adults/amp/#origin=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F&cap=swipe,education&webview=1&dialog=1&viewport=natural&visibilityState=prerender&prerenderSize=1&viewerUrl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Famp%2Fs%2Fwww-additudemag-com.cdn.ampproject.org%2Fc%2Fs%2Fwww.additudemag.com%2Fhealthy-eating-habits-adhd-adults%3Fusqp=mq331AQIUAKwASCAAgM%25253D&amp_kit=1

To be be fair, it might be a good time to chat to her about it and help her realise that as her brain works a bit differently why she might be craving certain foods. I wish I had understood this a bit better when I was a young adult. It's very common for adhd teens to develop eating disorders as you also get the same dopamine hit from losing weight.

Good luck OP you sound lovely.

As a young adult I moved away from home. The people I met would go off to play a game of squash or tennis, or swim which wasn't up and down the pool but diving off the end throwing a ball, none of which I could do. I felt very left out.

I wasn't unfit as I walked a lot - just didn't know the sports
Tell her it is an advantage to play a sport regardless of your weight.
My now adult DCs played sport at school well which meant when they went to uni they could carry it on there or were fit enough to join something else if they wished.
She would hugely gain socially by playing a sport at a level which means she is fit enough to join when older.
Getting her fitness levels up would also help her self -esteem. Weekly or twice weekly tennis with you?

Cut out the sweets, every day is too often and find a way of fitting in an hour of walking a day. How far is her school? You don't have to be sporty to be active. Get the whole family fitness trackers for Christmas maybe.

My DH has ADHD and is overweight (obese)

Our DS is OK for now bit is very sedentary due to medical issues and if not careful can easily run to puppy fat. He was like this at the beginning of the summer. Prob a stone heavier than he usually is, due tooverfeeding and being non active through illness.

DH will overfeed DS when DH is bored, extra sweets etc

We decided as a household after we adults read the Chris Van Tulleken book Ultra Processed Food to really cut back on that type of food. We talked it through carefully with DS and he's fully on board. He's lost all the puppy fat and DH has lost about 2st as he isn't mindlessly eating anything. Most food now has to be prepared and by thinking about doing that the feeling has passed for him.

There is a programme about this by Chris Van Tulleken on iplayer at the minute but I haven't watched it yet. We plan to watch it with DS at the weekend. But even by explaining the book he will put back sweets/crisps on the shop shelves and choose a lower Processed food or decide he was just bored rather than hungry.

**I do promise we are not depriving him, we are more 80% following the plan 20% still eating mcdonalds and haribo.

At that age, most of the bad stuff I was eating was at school. Do you know what she’s able to get her hands on?
I also think I knew which foods were healthy and which not so much. But I probably didn’t appreciate how much difference they were making to me.
I think if she’s bringing it up, she would like to talk about it. You saying she’s not overweight when she clearly is isnt helping her. I would say something along the lines of ‘ok, i think you’re fine as you are but if you feel that way, is there something you want to do about it?’

I find the slimming world rule of 1/3 veg on every plate is quite an easy way to cut down on calories without anyone noticing (as the plate is full). Also, you can spin it as a health change not a lower calorie option.

I'm ND and had massive issues with portion control when I was her age and I share her love of all things sweet and carby!! However I was very active until my late teens so it sailed under the radar. Then it caught up with me in my early 20s. Being diagnosed helped me to understand why it's been such a struggle - the familiarity and routine of nice food, the dopamine hit, issues with impulse control etc.

There are some quick changes you can make which might help. Cutting mayo with greek yoghurt so you don't use as much of it. Buy block butter rather than spreadable and if necessary, portion it and freeze the rest (well wrapped).

Talk to her about how bodies work, how food is not inherently bad, but there are certain things that have to be once in a while rather than every day - because if eaten all the time they aren't good for us. Re-frame exercise as something that she needs to do as part of keeping herself healthy - like brushing her teeth. Encourage her to find something that she is going to do, and explain it's fine if she wants to try a few different things to see what she prefers, but make it clear it's non-negotiable and it will be part of her routine.

If she's still to start puberty proper, you might find she loses weight when that kicks in. But changing her habits now will be easier than trying to have the argument when she's in the full grip of periods and hormones.

My daughter was a bit overweight up until recently..one of her so called friends called her fat and ugly in an argument so now she has restricted her eating so much she has lost a ton of weight in about 2 months. I'm really worried about her. So be careful your daughter doesn't go the other way

Things that helped me subtly do this with my DS.

• buy lower fat/cal versions of things or don't buy them at all eg can you get low fat mayo?
• massively reduce treats in house so don't have big stocks of biscuits/choc etc. Have relatively plain ones if family want a treat eg plain digestives rather than choc ones
• serve up a crudités course before dinner. This was the biggest one. I'd put out chopped carrots, cucumber and tomato as a starter with hummus. DS would eat these and would then be a lot fuller and less inclined to ask for dessert.
• make dessert rather than buy it in- Making cookies and cake themselves shows them exactly how much fat and butter go in and often they are shocked. So may naturally reduce consumption. But also if they do consume at least it's a better product as it's homemade.

Fwiw he then shot up and lost all the fat !

I wouldn't be talking to her about exercising more just make it part of the routine. Family walk after dinner. Or walking to school if poss? If not drop her off and collect her a little bit further from school. Park further away at shops, use stairs when you can rather than lifts/escalators.

It does sound tricky, hopefully see improvements soon.

Are you buying the full fat versions of everything? It’s fairly easy to buy green top milk, low fat mayo, lower fat butter / spread, brown bread instead of white, and not buying processed snacks like chocolate and crisps etc. Those are things she will be overeating so reducing them would be the first port of call. I assume she can’t go to the shop and buy her own food at this age. The thing about secret eating is that it’s secret. You don’t know for sure she’s not eating in secret.

There was a programme on bbc this week about UPFs. Perhaps watch that and then say you'll be making some changes in the household re what everyone eats as its quite eye opening about how unhealthy those foods are (and how they are designed to get you to eat - and therefore buy - more of them). That reduces the crisps/mayo consumption. Rather than banning desserts or snacks, make them yourself/with her. If she likes sweet things, a homemade banana milkshake is nutritious but feels like a treat (just banana, milk, natural yoghurt and maybe natural peanut butter and/or a couple of dates)

If she is only a little bit overweight I wouldn't talk to her about it. All three of my girls were a little overweight at 11/12, they then had a growth spurt and all slimmed out a fair bit by the time they were 14/15, they didn't change their eating habits at all really.

This was me.
I subsequently have been larger than standard my whole life.
How I wish my Mother & Father had made the active parenting changes to help me be "normal"
You need to tell her that you will jointly work on helping her to lose weight, she is, miserable in her body.
Self control is an active decision.
Stop buying Mayo, butter, biscuits, crisps.
Give her packed lunches
Take her swimming, cycling.

If your daughter is neurodivergent you need to get professional advice on this - it’s unfortunately very very common for neurodivergnent teen girls to develop eating disorders as a sense of control when their hormones make them feel out of control.

Tell her you need her help to plan the week’s meals. Buy some healthy cookbooks (Dr Ruby Aujla’s books are good) and get them all out and get her involved in the meal planning, shopping, cooking etc. Empower her! She’s old enough.

It is no way 99% diet. No matter what I eat I can burn it off with exercise.

Get her involved in a sport she loves to do and it should burn off the excess weight.

Good luck it's a tough one!

You need to be the one to make changes for her.

just because your son has sports at the weekend doesn’t mean she should be neglected. One parent should be with you son, another with your daughter. Take her swimming, to the park, for a walk.

change foods at home. Wholewheat pasta and brown rice and bread. Replace more things in your meals with veg. One less fish finger, more peas etc.

dont keep biscuits or treats in the house and then they can’t be eaten. Offer things like natural yoghurt with frozen berries and honey for treats.

Smaller plates if portions are an issue. Look up what ratio of protein/veg/carbs is relevant for her age/stage.
Get your daughter involved in making dinner.
Fruit instead of sweets after school (your husband needs to be onside with this!!)
No food should be a treat tbh, but this is done now. Do you offer dessert? If so can you find/make a lower calorie version of it?
You sound like a fabulous mum worried about your dd.
I'd be concerned someone was calling her names or bullying her, kids can be awful with any differences.
Good luck 💐

What I wished my mum (underweight most of her adult life, food is fuel type person) had sat me down and said to me at 11:

• yes it is really unfair that some people can eat what they like and not put on weight but moaning about that doesn't help. You have to get over it.
• it's much harder to lose weight once you've been overweight for a long time so better to lose it earlier. 90% of diets fail. Fat people mostly remain fat for their whole adult life.
• that I was always hungry as a child and that I would need to learn to cope with hunger to be slim. The only reason I was a semi slim kid was that my mum gave me tiny portions. Never seconds. No 'snack cupboard'. One piece of brown toast for breakfast. One quarter of a quiche with salad for tea.
• that being overweight is really unhealthy and it makes exercise harder so don't wait until your bigger and can't exercise, get into it now.
• subsequently exercise is not the key to weight loss, but it is good for health and distracting you from eating and sitting.

I'm now obese and I resent being this way.

I can see why you are finding this stressful and difficult. I would gently suggest you probe your own feelings and memories a bit more. Sometimes we tell ourselves a story that e.g. my mother saying these things to me gave my issues with my weight, but it isn't always that simple. That's not to say it wasn't hurtful, but again, was it actually what she said, or what she didn't say? Perhaps if women's weight wasn't to some extent taboo you could have had a frank constructive conversation about ideal weight for you and how to maintain it. No shame, just pragmatic.

I think I would have benefited from such an approach when I was 10-11, instead of being permitted to eat whatever.

I also agree that you need as a family to decide what healthy eating looks like and stick to it, even if it does mean restricting sweets to certain days or celebrations. If you do that, a bit of extra butter will be much less of an issue.

Honestly, this seems on you and her dad. An 11yo is not in charge of what they eat. Don't keep mayo away in the house. You can go without tuna and mayo. Did not have butter if it’s an issue. Have something like a plant based everything free (incl fat) spread, adds zero nutrients waste but just softens/moistens the bread. Fix it all so there is literally nothing fattening. Freeze the bread so you have to get it out in advance for toast/sandwiches so can’t be used as a snack. They have years ahead of them to learn self-control/balanced eating, but you say you are dealing with an overweight 11yo. That’s in your control.