To not know how to talk to DD(11) about her weight?

[HippyKayYay]

Sorry this is a bit long.

The TLDR is: HELP - how do I handle an 11yo girl being a bit overweight and calling herself fat without giving her issues while at the same time making sure she doesn't gain more weight?

DD(11) is a bit overweight. I don't know what she weighs, but she carries a fair bit of weight on her tummy and clothes that fit in all other ways will be too tight on her waist. Periods haven't started yet, but she is pretty developed. She's always had a bit of a tummy, but it's become increasingly noticeable in the last 12 months.

We never talk about weight at home. I never talk about my body negatively, or about dieting or about food being 'fattening' or anything like that. However, DD is increasingly calling herself 'fat' or pointing out her 'big tummy' and I don't know what to say. If I say she's not, she calls me a liar. I try to talk about positive body image, but then she says 'so I am fat?!?' All her friends are very slim, so she also compares herself to them.

I really don't know how to approach it. My mum pointed out my 'puppy fat' at this age and said various other self-image-damaging things that took me a long time to get over. Is it ok to point out to her the relationship between nutrition and weight? How do I do it without implying she's overweight? I don't want to create food issues, but I'm not sure how much she's really aware of the cause-and-effect (despite it being covered loads in school).

Gentle/ covert changes at home in terms of diet and exercise haven't seemed to make any difference.

She doesn't do a lot of exercise (two after-school sports clubs + stuff in school) and isn't a naturally sporty or active person. Neither was I at her age. We've tried encouraging additional exercise, but she is very very resistant and told me the other night that every time we tell her she needs to get more exercise it makes her feel bad about herself and that's she's fat (we've never talked about exercise being related to weight loss and I know that weight loss is 99% diet anyway. We always associate it with positive mental health and just 'being healthy'). Family exercise (e.g. a walk or bike ride) on weekends is tricky because her younger brother does tons of sport (and is very slim) and he, reasonably I think, doesn't want to come home from 3hrs of sport on a Saturday morning to go on a walk.

Her diet is ok in terms of range, but she loves inherently 'fattening' things (butter, mayonaise, sweet food of any description, garlic bread, etc) and I feel like I'm always telling her to put less butter on her bread, etc. But she doesn't eat secretly or anything like that. I think they have a normal amount of treats/ junky food - she's not scarfing family packs of pringles or anything like that. I don't want to completely ban all sweet treats as then they become 'a thing'. The rest of the family is slim/ healthy weight.

So as not to drip feed. She is neurodivergent (we're going through the assessment process at the moment, but likely ADHD and possibly ASD too)

I used to work in this field. We'd talk to the kids about healthy choices and moving more etc. it was never about body image it was about being as fit and healthy as possible and what foods and how much of them fuel that.

Yes, I've heard this. I think that's a lot of it re. sweet food for her. Or other foods that she finds particularly rewarding (butter, mayo). She was saying to me the other day that she'd eat butter with a spoon if I let her

I think you just need to be honest. You can be honest without being unkind. My DS 12 is overweight he has ASD/ADHD and is food obsessed. Literally every day there will be a meltdown at some point over food so I appreciate it’s difficult.

I’m trying to work on portion control with him. He gets fixated with things being ‘equal’ so will get upset when DS 15 gets a bigger portion. I’ll point out that DS has been physically active all day whereas he’s sat down all day so he doesn’t need as much. I just try as much as possible to help him make healthy choices.

Then cut out the mayo. When it's finished (or earlier) do not replace the bottle.

Cut out other things too.

If you don't like her diet then don't have the food in the house that you don't want her eating. Change in her habits will come in time.

If she puts butter on things, don't serve those things.

Buy low fat/low cholesterol spreads instead of butter. Find healtihier alternative for mayo or stop using is.
Simply stop buying sweets.
Use fruit, honey, naturally sweet things for treats most of the time, or bake your own low sugar snacks etc.

Yes, we've always talked in that way ('healthy food' not 'good' or 'bad' food) and more movement. It hasn't worked in our situation though

I don't buy sweets. DH does and I am working on trying to get him to stop.

I don't buy sweets. DH does and I am working on trying to get him to stop

If he doesn't want to help your daughter lose weight and have a healthier life, then tell him to keep that stuff for himself in a drawer away from the kids and don't let them see him bringing it in 🙄

has she had any tooth fillings yet? That's often the wake up call to people to stop buying sweets

I don't buy sweets. DH does and I am working on trying to get him to stop.

Even still, there are other things suggested that you can do. Like the mayo and butter

Children who haven't yet reached adult height shouldn't lose weight. They turn their fat into height sooner or later.

Don't talk to her about her weight or eating but tackle the insufficient exercise. That's the culprit, not the diet.

People who are highly active can scoff as many chips as they like and burn it all off.

Girls often start getting self conscious about exercise and feel they need to limit how sweaty and dirty they get if they dive wholeheartedly into a sport. It's part of a kind of internalised sexism. Tackle that.

No. Her teeth are pretty good. It's not like she's eating sweets all the time. Maybe a few small things a day (e.g. a few chewy sweets)

At 11, her weight is your responsibility. You don't need to speak to her about it as such. Just stop buying the things you don't want her to eat

a few chewy sweets a day is a lot

I'm not getting rid of butter as, quite frankly, that's weird. It is a staple food. I would much rather help her develop healthy restraint around it than start buying nastly UPF butter-substitutes

Mayo. Hmm. Tuna is one of the proteins she eats regularly and happily. If it wasn't tuna mayo, it would probably be cheese or ham. So I think the mayo in the tuna is offset by the benefits of the tuna's protein.

I disagree about the diet part being the main issue OP (however I don't know what she eats in a typical day so it's hard to say). You've said she's not very active and I think this is key. I don't think removing or changing foods is going to make much of a difference if she's not burning much off in the first place.
It's hard because I know what it's like dragging children out who don't want to be especially if they sense a whiff of an ulterior motive.
I would make it more about doing some activity with a purpose - eg. go for a walk so you can talk about something privately, walk to the shops to get something specific instead of drive, park further away from places so you end up walking more, add some kind of incentive along the way eg. I wonder how long it would take to get to x spot or how far do you think this place is and turn it into a game.
Just some ideas. I think if you're not naturally sporty, exercise for exercise's sake is hard and you have to be a bit more creative with it and build it into your day rather that make it a standalone thing, IYSWIM.

We have tried. Oh how we have tried. She just isn't sporty. At all. She likes swimming, but has gone as far as she could with lessons/ awards (Gold award) and doesn't want to do competetive/ club swimming.

She does martial arts, but it's not actually that 'active'

I think @MySweetGeorgina and @Hercisback1 are right. Now is the time to be honest.

I was a slightly
overweight teen and here is what I wished I had happened:

a really honest conversation about what goes into your body. About fat, why fat is essential but too much causes problems. What causes fat (not calories but the types of food we eat). About blood sugar, about nutrition.

also a talk about body shaming, fat phobia, about fast food industry and the diet industry.

about how it would be my job to navigate both of those at the same time, how this is incredibly hard especially for women and that loving oneself and therefore loving one’s body enough to treat it well is the foundation stone.

i think at 11 you can begin to talk about some of this stuff.

dont get caught up on mayonnaise.

good luck.

Children who haven't yet reached adult height shouldn't lose weight. They turn their fat into height sooner or later.

While is true children can gain weight before a growth spurt and its needed, op has said her child has always been bigger. So that isn't just a shift in weight before puberty/spurt.

And overweight children do need to lose weight.
It would be crazy to think its fine to allow a child to carry on putting on weight to just because they haven't reached adult height yet.

Thank you. This is incredibly helpful

She hasn't always been bigger. In photos from about 14 months ago she looks totally healthy weight. She's always had a bit of a sticky-out tummy (I did too as a kid). It's only in the last 12ish months that she's begun to look 'bigger'

Just reading through this thread and want to thank you OP for starting it. I'm going through a very similar situation with my nearly 11 year old daughter. She has got really bulky over the past 18 months and I need to do something about her diet. She eats healthily but she eats a LOT. Portion sizes are probably much too big. And much too much snacking with not enough activity. She's very tall though too and it's hard to navigate.
I know she's aware of it now, especially because all her friends are wee little things.
Some very useful advice on this thread- thanks all.

I agree butters not a problem. Mayo on the other hand 🤣

Honestly check how many calories are in a bottle of mayo. You will be seriously impressed!

Is she due a growth spurt? My 11yo gets pudgy and then shoots up? Might be her build especially as you said your mum pointed out your puppy fat. Some of us aren't graceful greyhound teenagers!

Next time she calls herself fat, ask her what she means by that. Is she fat and doesn't want to be? Does she want reassurance? Does she think fat is bad? Ask questions.

The safest, kindest and likely successful way out of this is for her to stay reasonably the same weight whilst she grows. You can tell her this.

Have you considered she's eating for dopamine? Crunchy, salty, fatty or sweet foods are often a light self medication but there's millions of other things you can try.

Yeah do the balanced meal stuff but I don't think banning mayo is going to make any difference. She'll soon be buying (and sneaking) her own food.

It's quite empowering to take the stigma of fat away. If she says she's fat just say there's worse things to be then fat. You're her mum you'd love her however she comes (mine like to insert their own terrible imagined crimes here). Then move to are you worried you're not treating your body properly / is something worrying you - what can I do to help? You are looking to instill accountability, she has to feed her body with the right stuff and she has to rest and she has to move

It's hard when your silence upsets her as you can't just ignore it until she grows and stretches out.

It's always possible for a tiny comment to go crazy in the mind of an adolescent and trigger an eating disorder, which I guess you're fearful of - there was a BBC radio programme about it.

Could you redirect her questions by asking what's making her worry? Something like 'You've not talked about this before now - has anything happened?'

If you don't want to delude her by saying 'You're not fat', maybe deflect with something that allows for her weight but helps her relax, such as 'I'm not at all worried about your shape, but if it makes you feel better we can work on eating as healthily as we can. What have you learned about balanced diets at school? That's the most important thing to have.'