Is this Coercion? Going to the police to report? Please give me you opinions / help?

[ThatFairDeer]

Hi everyone - I've gone anonymous for this as I don't want to be identified!

I'm currently divorcing after 2 decades. I've told exH to sleep elsewhere and he refuses the majority of the time. At night I go to bed really early as he's likely to wake me up talking and complaining mostly about the divorce. Last night again he woke me up - wanting me to take care of his "needs" - on and on and on he went - even said if I'd put out for 30 seconds it would have been over and done with!! He blames my hormones for this as I have told him over and over again I don't want him to touch me but he just ignores this and continues to touch me or rub me - or get into bed beside me and cuddle up to me - which totally gives me the ick and rage and fear all at the same time. I told him last night what he was doing was coercion and that it needed to stop - he said that's all he has left to "get some"!

Am I wrong to think he shouldn't be insisting on wanting to have sex or sexual activities with his ex W who is divorcing him? That trying to talk me round or pestering me to give in to his desires / needs is wrong and that if I did give in that it's not really consenting as I'm not a willing participant?!

Has anyone any experience of going to the police with this type of behaviour - what should I do - should I go to the police?

This behaviour escalates he gets away with this then ramps it up your children become aware they see your unhappy it saves them from nothing

@ThatFairDeer I am really pleased that the police took action so that you can have some peace and safety in your own home. Well done to you for having the courage to take this step. I would take extra precautions as well (chain on door / ring doorbell etc). I hope you get some sleep and restoration and that life is calm.

I've just spotted your update OP. You amazing woman!! I hope you can now feel peace in your own home. Huge Christmassy hugs 🌲

@ThatFairDeer

Wonderful update! Stay strong and remember that you have NO blame or shame in this. He created this situation and now he is paying the price for his own actions.

Oh wow. I’m so glad your police acted upon this. My local police wouldn’t when I went through very similar, they just kept removing him for 24 hours (including on the day we brought our baby home).

Best of luck. Please do keep us updated if you feel able to 🙏

So my soon to be Ex H was in court just before Christmas and I'm still to find out if he pled guilty or not guilty! He's still on Bail which is good because the conditions of the bail are that he's not allowed near me or my house! No doubt he'll have pled not guilty as he denied everything in the police interview apparently - it was all consensual and he stopped as soon as I said!!

I'm finally starting to unwind and relax in my own skin and my own home. My friends are helping me to sort out the house and redecorate it - there's so much needs done to this house before I can sell it and after everything that's happened under this roof there's no way I want to live here!

My daughter is calmer and finding life easier. My poor son who is still in contact with his father I can see is emotionally torn and is finding it more difficult that my daughter and I - even he is finding it easier as he's now able to have friends round as they are always welcome to stay for dinner or even overnight!

The only regret I have is that I didn't do this sooner! I tried everything to make life easier for my soon to be Ex H when I should have been looking after my own mental health and my children's. He thought he had me where he wanted me and that I wouldn't report his behaviour due to feelings of shame or embarrassment or whatever - but once I realised that I had done nothing wrong and that by keeping this all a secret the only person I was protecting was the perpetrator and I was hurting my children and myself allowing this behaviour to continue I knew I had to report it. I gave him a warning that if he did it again I'd go to the police and that's what I did. It took me a year but in the end I did it. I feel guilty about having to report it to the police, then I remember that if he hadn't behaved in that way I wouldn't have had to!

It's going to take a long time for me to get my head round the fact that his behaviour is not my fault. I've been in touch with Women's Aid and will be going for counselling. Hopefully, in the future I can have a healthy happy relationship with a man who won't take advantage of me.

I’m glad you and your children are finding life so much easier already op. Your ex belongs on some sort of register, and well away from you and the children as much as possible. It’s normally so much harder for people right after the initial break up, it’s heart wrenching on here constantly reading about ops immediately giving their abusive exes another chance, and then inevitably posting a few months later that they’re back to square one and it’s even worse

And even if he is eventually found not guilty for whatever reason, he won’t dare to do this again! You’re followed through with your threats and shown him you’re done putting up with his shit

I’m so pleased you’ve been able to get him out. How horrific to live with that every day and night.

Reading Gisele Pelicot’s statement that shame must change sides was so inspiring. It’s not our shame to bear. It’s theirs. You’ve done amazingly and your future will be so much better for taking that brave step.

Well done OP - you are an incredibly brave woman and should be proud, not feeling guilty. You are amazing.

I'm glad you are all safe and feeling calmer

And by the time his case is sorted your divorce should be nearly finalised Op. Well done for seeing it through

Well done OP. You have been incredibly strong and brave.

Gosh what a great update! Well done.

Oh this update is good news OP. I'm so glad your life is changing in such a positive way. Wishing you and your children much happiness 🥰