Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this Coercion? Going to the police to report? Please give me you opinions / help?

115 replies

ThatFairDeer · 27/11/2024 10:48

Hi everyone - I've gone anonymous for this as I don't want to be identified!

I'm currently divorcing after 2 decades. I've told exH to sleep elsewhere and he refuses the majority of the time. At night I go to bed really early as he's likely to wake me up talking and complaining mostly about the divorce. Last night again he woke me up - wanting me to take care of his "needs" - on and on and on he went - even said if I'd put out for 30 seconds it would have been over and done with!! He blames my hormones for this as I have told him over and over again I don't want him to touch me but he just ignores this and continues to touch me or rub me - or get into bed beside me and cuddle up to me - which totally gives me the ick and rage and fear all at the same time. I told him last night what he was doing was coercion and that it needed to stop - he said that's all he has left to "get some"!

Am I wrong to think he shouldn't be insisting on wanting to have sex or sexual activities with his ex W who is divorcing him? That trying to talk me round or pestering me to give in to his desires / needs is wrong and that if I did give in that it's not really consenting as I'm not a willing participant?!

Has anyone any experience of going to the police with this type of behaviour - what should I do - should I go to the police?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatFairDeer · 27/11/2024 11:24

ProfessorInkling · 27/11/2024 11:18

This is sexual assault.

Can you leave sooner rather than later, temporarily, with the kids?

What you describe is really quite chilling.

Have you spoken to anyone from a domestic violence charity?

I have spoken with Women's Aid a long time ago and not regarding these specific details and they wanted me to go to the police - I have always promised that I wouldn't go to the police - I don't want my kids to hear that their mum reported their dad to the police or had to watch as the police arrested their dad! I don't want to add to any trauma that's already been caused .... if that makes any sense? But it's gotten to the point where I just can't take any more - the only thing he appears to think about is sex and that he's not getting any and me divorcing him and how he's going to cope "without me"! I obvs must be having sex with someone else if I won't "put out" with him!! FFS!!

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 27/11/2024 11:26

No consent = sexual assault, if he touches you when you're asleep there's no consent. Go to the police Op, tell them everything. Your Ex sounds a slimebag, don't feel you have to keep him happy for the sake of your DC, you and the DC would be much happier without him

Hoppinggreen · 27/11/2024 11:27

Who did you promise?
Any fallout from this will NOT be your fault, any upset for your DC will be caused by his actions not yours.
I know its very easy for me to say as I am not the one living it but please report it. It might make him stop and it also may help your divorce (horrible to say but true)

Summerhillsquare · 27/11/2024 11:30

ThatFairDeer · 27/11/2024 11:06

Well last night I moved and tried to sleep on the sofa

He says he's going to sleep elsewhere but then doesn't and comes into my room and my bed when I'm asleep.

If there is somewhere else he can sleep then get yourself a small rubber door wedge and keep it about your person when not in use. Lots of women have one for travelling, hotel rooms etc for security.

And yes, report him.

Sia8899 · 27/11/2024 11:31

Please move out as soon as possible. I understand not wanting to upset the kids but this is absolutely awful, this man is abusive and disgusting. If you can’t even put a locked door between you then you absolutely have to leave. It sounds like you are all walking on eggshells so it will be better for the kids to not be in a stressful environment. Report him for sexual assault.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/11/2024 11:33

Cross posted with your update Op. He's using the DC as a shield, he knows you don't want to upset them so he feels he can get away with all this. If you won't go to the police then move out but he won't change Op, he'll still tell your DC it's all your fault

ProfessorInkling · 27/11/2024 11:35

ThatFairDeer · 27/11/2024 11:24

I have spoken with Women's Aid a long time ago and not regarding these specific details and they wanted me to go to the police - I have always promised that I wouldn't go to the police - I don't want my kids to hear that their mum reported their dad to the police or had to watch as the police arrested their dad! I don't want to add to any trauma that's already been caused .... if that makes any sense? But it's gotten to the point where I just can't take any more - the only thing he appears to think about is sex and that he's not getting any and me divorcing him and how he's going to cope "without me"! I obvs must be having sex with someone else if I won't "put out" with him!! FFS!!

Show quote history

Yes, I can totally understand your reluctance to go to the police.

I'm not telling you to do that, but understand why WA encouraged it.

He is committing an offence, and you want to protect the kids from that. But these are his actions, not yours.

Reading your posts I'm concerned for your safety. Is there a room you can lock? Keep your phone on you, and fully charged.

Onlycoffee · 27/11/2024 11:36

Do you have a DD op? Wouldn't you advise her to go to the police? If you have a ds how would you feel if he was behaving like your soon to be xdh? If you would be horrified (and you should be!) can you see how you shouldn't have to put up with this.

Do you have a friend or any family that you could stay with until you find somewhere else to live, or a women's aid shelter?

ProfessorInkling · 27/11/2024 11:38

How old are your kids OP?

CowGirl19 · 27/11/2024 11:45

I think your best option here - as you are divorcing anyway is to move out to the rental place asap. Take yourself and the kids away from this situation - permanently.
Yes it's worth reporting to the police. Unfortunately abuse like this gets worse at the point of separation/divorce and the fat he's already ignoring your "No's" indicates his behaviour is escalating so there is potential he may become violent.

Don't feel bad upsetting the kids by moving. You are protecting them by getting out.

Ginkypig · 27/11/2024 11:55

You are I. A very dangerous situation, he has shown you that he does not care anymore your boundaries or your wants.

so far he is “only” assaulting you and verbally trying to erode your resolve so you relent and he can get his way
but
this could so very easily go into full rape, what are you going to do if he suddenly one night just flips you over and gets on top of you. The truth is nothing because you won’t be able to.

i am not trying to scare you @ThatFairDeer i am trying to show you the real reality you are in. ONLY YOU can make yourself safe and to do that you have to not be in an environment where he has access to you, he will not stop because he has shown that nothing you say makes a difference to his thinking.

i don’t want to hijack your thread but maybe my experience might help you feel less alone.
but suffice to say iv been in very similar circumstances to you many years ago when I was a young woman, an already bad/abusive relationship that was coming to and end but contact wasn’t stopped and him regularly in the home at night. finding him in the bed when he had been on the couch when we went to sleep, trying it on etc which eventually led to me waking with him on top of me during the act on more than one occasion. To this day I assume from his reaction at the time he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong.
it only stopped because I told a professional who was horrified (I was more confused about how to get him to stop coming round) and insisted I reported to the police. And literally got me to pack the last of his things and change the locks. I felt she was blowing thing out of proportion but did as she told me

in the end I didn’t pursue a case but it was enough to finally break things and get the locks changedetc.

its only years on that I understand how bad this was, i minimised it to cope while in it.

you deserve better than this. Your children deserve better than this.
please get back in touch with women’s aid and be truly honest with them about what is going on using the facts rather than your interpretation of it as that will for you to cope be minimised.
as for protecting the children from seeing their father arrested, think more of it as you are showing your children that they deserve a minimum treatment in a relationship one day when they grow up and if that doesn’t happen they are entitled to seek help and not stay in that.

Brefugee · 27/11/2024 11:59

I have always promised that I wouldn't go to the police - I don't want my kids to hear that their mum reported their dad to the police

No, OP. He is sexually assaulting you. And you are setting a very poor example for your children

ItGhoul · 27/11/2024 12:05

It's coercive and abusive. Apart from the unwanted sexual contact, he's depriving you of sleep and privacy. He's doing it to prove he can control you and deny you agency. And he's also in denial about the fact that you're leaving him. He can't bear the fact that you've got autonomy.

It's quite a common thing for abusive partners to do during a separation. My friend's ex-husband did exactly the same thing during the time they were separated but living in the same house.

I'm really, really sorry that you're having to go through this.

DevilledEgg · 27/11/2024 12:06

Phone the police now. Don't wait. Don't let him force you out of your home. Also speak to women's aid because I'd bet my house he's been abusing you in other ways for years and he's ramping up because your leaving. You need this all on record because he will only get more dangerous.

Noseybookworm · 27/11/2024 12:09

He is sexually assaulting you. Put a lock on the door and if he bangs on it and tries to get in, tell him you're calling the police. And do it. I would suggest calling Women's Aid for advice too, they can support you to take action. Please don't put up with this one more day OP 💐

Thatcastlethere · 27/11/2024 12:10

It's not even coercion... it's plain sexual assault. It's not even that he's manipulated you into giving in.. it's that he's touching you abd rubbing you without your consent. He's not even had enough respect to coerce you.. doesn't give a shit that you haven't consented.
Yes go to the police. This is abuse. It would be abuse if it were coercion too.
Please go to the police.

itsgettingweird · 27/11/2024 12:11

Move out of the shared marital bedroom into one of the kids bedrooms.

This is sexual assault.

Make it clear you are not sleeping anywhere near him, not in a space he can access and absolutely somewhere he cannot attempt to rape you.

itsgettingweird · 27/11/2024 12:14

Oh and absolutely report to the police.

Set a good example to your children that if assaulted - you report.

Doesn't matter who they are. There is no excuse for this behaviour.

He's a monster.

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/11/2024 12:15

ThatFairDeer · 27/11/2024 11:07

I'm going to see a rental property tomorrow to move out to with the kids. I've been trying to keep everything as quiet as possible to not disturb / upset the kids cos if I put a lock on the door and then lock it he will just stand and bang on it and wake up the whole house!

Then you have the start of your recordings.
you will have time to put your phone on record .

sleep deprivation. Coercive control . sexual assault

Stormyweatheroutthere · 27/11/2024 12:16

Rubber door stop. Mattress in dc's room and jam it under the door.. If he attempts to get in ring the police. Would you accept a stranger trying to maul you?

Tillow4ever · 27/11/2024 12:22

I used to have an app called sleep recorder or something like that. It basically starts recording if it hears anything. Could you get something like that? It will then just start recording without you doing anything and without your abusive ex realising you are getting evidence.

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I do think you should report him. Good luck.

gramachroi · 27/11/2024 12:30

You are in a really dangerous and seemingly escalating situation.

Please take proportionate action and go to the police.

I expect that they will consider questioning / arresting your DH when your DCs are at school for instance.

Please do not wait another day. Sorry to be so graphic but your DCs do not need to hear / see their mother getting raped or the aftermath.

moose62 · 27/11/2024 12:33

Who owns the house? Can you force him, legally, to leave and change the locks?
If you aren't willing to put a lock on your door you will have to move out.

WhatMe123 · 27/11/2024 12:46

Assault op

Takeoutyourhen · 27/11/2024 12:54

This resonates with me quite a bit.
Get in touch with Women’s Aid, find a rental and get out of that bed.
I, too, wanted to keep a lid on things for the sake of the children but in reality it made me more submissive.
Don’t listen to him telling you “it” will only work with you. This similar scenario only made me reaffirm my belief that he thought I was a woman to be used and his crying and moaning was a result of his realisation of not being able to get any.
I wish you all the best OP.