Is this Coercion? Going to the police to report? Please give me you opinions / help?

[ThatFairDeer]

Hi everyone - I've gone anonymous for this as I don't want to be identified!

I'm currently divorcing after 2 decades. I've told exH to sleep elsewhere and he refuses the majority of the time. At night I go to bed really early as he's likely to wake me up talking and complaining mostly about the divorce. Last night again he woke me up - wanting me to take care of his "needs" - on and on and on he went - even said if I'd put out for 30 seconds it would have been over and done with!! He blames my hormones for this as I have told him over and over again I don't want him to touch me but he just ignores this and continues to touch me or rub me - or get into bed beside me and cuddle up to me - which totally gives me the ick and rage and fear all at the same time. I told him last night what he was doing was coercion and that it needed to stop - he said that's all he has left to "get some"!

Am I wrong to think he shouldn't be insisting on wanting to have sex or sexual activities with his ex W who is divorcing him? That trying to talk me round or pestering me to give in to his desires / needs is wrong and that if I did give in that it's not really consenting as I'm not a willing participant?!

Has anyone any experience of going to the police with this type of behaviour - what should I do - should I go to the police?

@ThatFairDeer well done for reporting him!

He knows he's not supposed to get into bed with you. He knows what he is doing is wrong. You're doing great standing your ground and enforcing boundaries.

Your job isn't to make his life easier.

Good luck viewing the new house as well. Fingers crossed for you!

Why are you sharing a bed with a man you're divorcing?

Is this yet another weird post that will get deleted in a day or so?

No its not
They are sharing a HOUSE while getting divorced. Not everyone has the family or money to just house themselves elsewhere. This revolting man is coming into her room at night and assaulting her
Maybe read the whole thread before commenting, if its too much then just read OP's posts.

Even if the police don't take the criminal allegations further, you could apply for a non molestation order, which could include the court telling him not to enter the house.

Also it's not a case of telling him "oh ok I'll just stay in the spare room "
This man is a vile abusing creep , what if moving rooms etc pushes him to escalate the abuse further this poor woman has to try and keep herself and her children safe
It's not so easy when you're walking on eggshells and fearing every day

I hope the police were helpful OP.

It's only a matter of time before this man rapes you. He's not stopping because you're saying no, he's stopping because he's still hoping there's a chance you'll stay together. Once he realises it's definitely over they'll be nothing to stop him.

I hope the police have removed him - but whatever happens you need to get away from this man, immediately.

Thinking of you

He’s doing this because it makes him think he has power over you. And that is what’s getting him off. It is a very concerning red flag and it is almost definite that he will escalate.

I hope the police were helpful and proactive.

How did you get on at the police station yesterday OP? c

So pleased to see this update. I hope you get a good team of officers to help.
At the very least you should get a restraining order.
Don’t feel guilty for the children, it’s your sex pest ex that’s guilty. You need to show them love, stability & how to get away from abusive people. It’s sad for them that their father is a sex offender, but it’s not your fault, it’s all his.
Good luck.

How did you get on @ThatFairDeer - did you get the support you need?

Lock the door and tell him to sleep on the sofa/spare room if he is refusing to move out.

Him touching you without consent has nothing to do with divorce etc. It's unwanted physical contact even in a together relationship.

Hi Everyone, update.

I went to the police and told them the truth about what was happening and they were truly horrified at what I'd been living with on a day to day. One police woman described it as hell.

I hadn't wanted my husband arrested but they wouldn't do anything else after speaking with me - I only wanted his unreasonable behaviour to stop.

So that evening before I got home from work the police went to my house and arrested him. I gave the police a statement and allowed them to read the diary I had kept for a few weeks when things were getting on top of me, I stopped writing it because it was so damn depressing and scary!

He's been bailed and isn't allowed to come to my house or contact me either directly or indirectly. Yesterday I was in front of the Master in court and my Decree Nisi was granted. So I'm feeling alot safer and more relaxed in my own home, although I do still guilty for what I had to do in order to make that happen.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my message and supported me through this - in my moment of second thoughts you told me I was right that his behaviour was unacceptable and that I should go to the police as instructed by my solicitor.

Thank you for taking the time to update.
It all sounds positive and I hope this awful man is punished and you and your DC can move forward in peace

Really glad to hear the update OP, you've done the right thing and please put any feelings of guilt for him being arrested out of your head. HE did this to himself with his despicable actions.

Congrats on the decree nisi, I hope this is the start of a wonderful new chapter for you x

Am I wrong to think he shouldn't be insisting on wanting to have sex or sexual activities with his ex W who is divorcing him? is this a genuine question because you don’t know the answer?

Edited as OP has updated.

OP, would you mind me asking but did your ex get contact with your children? Or has he not bothered?

Well done @ThatFairDeer great news that your divorce is going through and that he's removed from the house.

You have been very brave!

Well done for going to the police and getting this awful man out of your home. You 100% did the right thing.

That's sexual assault

Glad the police have listened and acted so quickly Op. You knew it wasn't right but your Ex was so persistant he made you doubt yourself.

Well done, @ThatFairDeer

You need to stay strong now. Do whatever you need to keep yourself and the DC safe.

This is all his fault. You have him many chances but he chose to continue to abuse you.

So glad you got some help.

You are a massively brave woman @ThatFairDeer
I hope that the response you received from the police has shown you that this wasn’t you, this wasn’t just simple case of a relationship that’s went bad that you were part of too. You deserve and have all deserved better than this.

i am sending all the strength I can muster to send you.

keep strong and stay safe. Keep contact with the professionals like women’s aid or other dv organisations and police and please do keep coming back here to the thread there will people on here ready and willing to listen and offer support when you need it.

Speak to a solicitor about a non molestation order. They will be able to advise you correctly on what to do

My answer....no it's not it's attempted rape get away from me now.....and get a lock on the door...report it.