Is this Coercion? Going to the police to report? Please give me you opinions / help?

[ThatFairDeer]

Hi everyone - I've gone anonymous for this as I don't want to be identified!

I'm currently divorcing after 2 decades. I've told exH to sleep elsewhere and he refuses the majority of the time. At night I go to bed really early as he's likely to wake me up talking and complaining mostly about the divorce. Last night again he woke me up - wanting me to take care of his "needs" - on and on and on he went - even said if I'd put out for 30 seconds it would have been over and done with!! He blames my hormones for this as I have told him over and over again I don't want him to touch me but he just ignores this and continues to touch me or rub me - or get into bed beside me and cuddle up to me - which totally gives me the ick and rage and fear all at the same time. I told him last night what he was doing was coercion and that it needed to stop - he said that's all he has left to "get some"!

Am I wrong to think he shouldn't be insisting on wanting to have sex or sexual activities with his ex W who is divorcing him? That trying to talk me round or pestering me to give in to his desires / needs is wrong and that if I did give in that it's not really consenting as I'm not a willing participant?!

Has anyone any experience of going to the police with this type of behaviour - what should I do - should I go to the police?

Where is he touching or rubbing you. Sounds like it could be sexual assault, depending on your answer.

This is sexual assault, plain and simple. You can report it to the police. You don’t have to have an exact name for it in any case - you can tell them what you’ve put here.

It might be worth asking for this post to be moved to Relationships (click on Report and put Other as the reason) as you’ll get good advice there.

Yes. My ex was recently convicted of controlling and coercive behaviour and one of the tactics the judge highlighted was deliberate sleep deprivation. And coercive sex is rape.

He cuddles in behind me and put his hand on my bum and rubs gently - or rubs his crotch up against me

It would be helpful if you could get some sort of evidence eg. recordings (if safe to do so) or messages.

“This type of behaviour” is sexual assault.

Yes - you should call the police and report.

He doesn't send messages and there's no way I'm capable of recording anything as he does it when I'm already asleep - he slips into my bed and starts it. I asked my divorce solicitor about recordings for evidence and he said they aren't admissible in court.

This type of behaviour - he does it and at the same time is asking me - is this ok? (in my head it's like he asking me - can I sexually assault you? - even tho I say no it's not he continues and if I don't let him then I'm in for a night of arguing and being kept awake!

Put a lock on your bedroom door.

Definitely sexual assault. Report to the police. I had recordings of my ex's behaviour and conversations and they were admissible and basically what swung the guilty verdict.

Don’t share a bed with him.

I slept in a freezing conservatory with a newborn until I moved out. Door locked... Not sure how you can even share a bed if he kept his grubby hands to himself...

Well last night I moved and tried to sleep on the sofa

He says he's going to sleep elsewhere but then doesn't and comes into my room and my bed when I'm asleep.

I'm going to see a rental property tomorrow to move out to with the kids. I've been trying to keep everything as quiet as possible to not disturb / upset the kids cos if I put a lock on the door and then lock it he will just stand and bang on it and wake up the whole house!

Even if you were not divorcing him, even in a loving relationship this would be sexual assault.
Even if you were both completely in love and you initiated sex then changed your mind and said you didn't want to go ahead and just wanted to sleep, for him to continue and ignore you is sexual assault.

Does he not believe that you are actually going to divorce him, why is he sleeping in the same bed as you let alone pestering you?

Tell him to sleep on the sofa and service himself with his grabbby hands.

THIS.

I've told exH to sleep elsewhere and he refuses the majority of the time.

If there is a spare bedroom then maybe you need to move into it, with your clothes etc, to emphasis a clear break. Some people (usually men) assume that your words mean nothing and they need to see action for it to sink in. Otherwise move his clothes etc into spare room and put a lock/bolt on your originally shared bedroom.

If he tries again tell him to stop sexually assaulting you otherwise you will go to the police, unless of course, you think he will react badly to that phrase in which case don't. Stay safe

I've told him to service himself - I've told him to go get himself a new partner / girlfriend / whatever - I've offered to pay for someone to service him - but no - apparently "it" only works for me!! Yeah right! He has admitted that he thinks if he stays on in the house and hangs on long enough that I will change my mind!

I'm torn between going today and reporting him to the police and they hopefully arresting him and him getting out on bail would mean he's not allowing to come back to my house - or waiting until I get myself and the kids moved out of the house and then reporting him?! Any advice?

Even though he's never raised a finger to hurt us I don't trust him and he scares me sometimes - we live on tenderhooks with the feeling that he's about to explode at any time - I have threatened to go to the police before and he just laughed at me!

Its sexual assault and you can report it to the police even without recordings etc. At the very least it might make him stop

This is sexual assault.

Can you leave sooner rather than later, temporarily, with the kids?

What you describe is really quite chilling.

Have you spoken to anyone from a domestic violence charity?

Get a single mattress and put it in one of the kids rooms, tell them he's started snorting so you need to sleep somewhere else. Kept me safe from my XH pushing for sex after he told me he didn't love me anymore and when he knew I didn't want it. You deserve to sleep safely in your own home. .

Why don't you sleep in another room, or on the sofa?

Why doesn't he stop Sexually assaulting her?

OP DOES sleep in another room I believe but he comes in - Maybe you also blame her for not locking herself in?
FFS