Husband pressuring me while I'm jobsearching

[Ifancyabiscuit]

Urgh, please let me know if I'm being unreasonable, ladies. I'm just so frustrated and tired.
The last year and a half I've been self employed as an illustrator, designer and artworker. This year has been spent dividing up my time between raising our daughter, building up my business and working contracts, networking like mad and working weekends at a lovely local business. I also work on smaller freelance projects that have helped support us. DD started school in September and due to some dry periods, I told DH that once she's in school I'll start drumming up more work and apply for more agencies.

DH has been the breadwinner during this time and I am more than aware of the pressure he's been under. He came to me in October and told me how stressed he was, so I basically ramped up my search. I take extra shifts wherever I possibly can, I'm applying for work every day (sometimes up to 10 a day) and I've been making my network aware that I'm looking for work. We live in a not so kind area for the creative industries so I've been applying for places I'd need to commute to, hybrid work, outside of immediate creative industry work but still relevant to my skills, etc.

I'm finally getting some call backs but not all are completely suitable (1 day a week jobs like tutoring, fine if I can stack them but not ideal etc). But it doesn't feel good enough for DH. He's stressed about money and said he wants to take DD on holidays, feel more relief. His job has been stressing him out a lot. I get the vibe from him that I'm not delivering quick enough.

He's told me that I need to earn more money, and he's walking on eggshells because when he brings it up, I get upset. I asked him "what more can I possibly do? When I'm not jobsearching or actively parenting or working on my portfolio or applying for funding or updating my busineses social media, I'm cleaning the house. I pay for our daughter's extracurriculars, I try my best, every spare pound I earn is put directly into savings. I don't know what else I can do,"

He's not been well the last couple of days so he's been in bed with a fever. In the meantime I took over everything in the house while taking care of him. Yesterday I was so tired, I actually felt faint while at the supermarket. Now he's feeling better, he brought up money and I ended up shouting at him and crying my eyes out because bloody hell.

I hate this because i want him to be proud of me and tell me that he is. Despite everything, I'm proud of myself and my achievements. It's not perfect but I have faith in this. I worry about money a lot, but I'm taking steps to change that. He is on the spectrum and finds it hard to express himself and getting feelings out of him is like winkling them out. I adore him, I really do. I think he's just in a panic and feeling stressed to the hilt but I still feel so hurt regardless. I also feel so guilty, like I'm putting him through this.

Am I unreasonable?

@Pippy2022 no horror from me at a parent parenting when not at work. It’s the OP’s horror at being expected to denigrate herself to earn some money so the other parent doesn’t have their mental health impacted by the stress at holding the family up financially. You can switch the roles to male or female , either way, OP needs to pull her weight

Are you kidding? If OP was a man, she'd be called a cocklodger and asked why she isn't financially providing for her family.

I think many people would love to follow their dream. But money overtakes. I would apply for different roles not necessarily art based. Art can be a side line. There is so much stress involved when you haven’t got enough money coming in especially in a cost of living crisis.

OP you’re getting an awful time here from people who still see art as a silly little hobby that can’t pay the bills. Why do a £12/hour job at Tesco when you can be doing £300+ day rate projects?? Yes it’s a slog and there’s highs and lows but it sounds like you are working really hard to build this up.
Truthfully creative industries are extremely competitive atm but so are many others - honestly good luck to you applying for retail cuz even part time seasonal stuff is hard to get right now! And the cost of living is stressing everyone out. Can you talk with your DH about relieving other sorts of stress, maybe looking at the budget, maybe it’s not all about your job search but just about wider finances and feeling the squeeze? Maybe he can focus on everything you are doing instead of fixating on the job that hasn’t magically appeared.
As an aside to PPs, 1 in 6 jobs in the capital are in the creative industries. So it’s not unrealistic to make a career out of ‘arty stuff’ 🙄

OP don’t you know only the independently wealthy and trust fund kids get to have creative jobs? You’re meant to suffer working a crappy job in a coffee shop or as a carer scrambling about for the creative crumbs left over because nobody ever thinks being an artist is a job worth being paid for. Let’s not tell them this very site is designed creatives, the tv they watch made by creatives, the books the read written by creatives… but that’s other people, not real people like you OP.

I’m sorry it’s so hard for you and your partner right now. If he’s autistic then he’s going to struggle with full responsibility for funding the household and burnout is a real possibility. You want to head that off at the pass. You talk about stacking jobs and maybe a portfolio career is the compromise. Lots of creatives work that way. It’s tiring but it can lead to longer more regular work or permanent contracts.

unfortunately the truth is the arts is only a career for the rich, the lucky and the well networked. You can see from responses people here don’t value it and that’s why there’s no money available.

looknat communications jobs, there are often design elements as part of that and there are so many UX/UI jobs going if you can stomach them, loads from home too.

The child has been at school just short of 3 months and will have had a half term break in that time. Child has to be taken to school, collected and looked after for the rest of the time. If OP takes on a full time job she will have to arrange and pay for childcare before and after school, half terms and holidays. It is astonishing how much of the time a normal healthy child is ill and can't go to school.
Clearly there was no proper discussion of all this prior to having a child, so OP and her DH will have to sit down and go through the finances and the timetable and figure it out.
The first thing I would do is divert the savings to the bills on a temporary basis, just to reduce the stress until a plan is in place.

I started a creative business. It took 7 years to get to where it is now - which is teetering on the VAT threshold but we have a good name for ourselves and are slowly slowly building.

DP works full time now in the business. I still work minimum wage in ‘unskilled’ manual work part time.

Im leaving at Christmas as it’s crunch time to blast though the threshold. Hopefully we make it without too much pain.

Manual work is good for the business trust me. Something like cleaning will be great. You get paid to let your brain passively process your creative work and save mental energy for evenings and days off.

Networking is bullshit. People only care about if your someone worth knowing; which comes from your projects and completed work. Which takes time and patience to build.

Don’t give up. But do get a job.

Goodluck

Also, lots of people can't afford holidays. We certainly couldn't when our DC were primary age. Ditto extra-curricular activities. It sounds as if the basic necessities need to come first.

Why do a £12/hour job at Tesco when you can be doing £300+ day rate projects??

Because when you’re building a business you sometimes have to do both.

In creative industries you’re only as good as your last project. The jobs you turn down are just as important as the jobs you take if you want to be high quality / high value sphere.

I have had my work in household named national glossy publications that are super prestigious and yet I also work half the week on £12 an hour where I have coordinated our portion of £50+ million projects from a set of earphones whilst doing £12 manual work. 🤣

OP don’t you know only the independently wealthy and trust fund kids get to have creative jobs?

People keep saying things like this but I think it's being taken out of context, I'm a graphic designer full time and I think OP is (was) very wrong to keep slogging away trying to drum up freelance work while her husband has told her how much he is struggling to support them.

No one is saying she shouldn't work in the creative industries, just that she should look for the work of her choice AT THE SAME TIME as bringing income into the house, at the beginning of her posts she was refusing to consider working any unskilled job and wanted to hold out.. but what is the point of that when you can do both? It sounds like that is where the husbands frustration was coming from.

Someone I know had this problem, a woman, she was working full time and her partner was trying to get a freelance business off the ground, it took two years of him earning next to nothing, and her blowing through £20,000 savings to subsidise the household income for her to finally demand that he get a normal job, and he did once the money ran out.

It's nice for people to follow their dreams, but when you have a young family you also have to be practical too.

I would say the big advantage of a supermarket job in this economic climate is the staff discount https://www.thegrocer.co.uk/analysis-and-features/how-supermarkets-are-looking-after-their-staff-like-never-before/693807.article

I think M&S and Waitrose offer 20%

However, given the cost of holiday childcare, it might be worth considering working in a school.

@Ifancyabiscuit I love the comments in this thread from people who’ve seen the words ‘art’ and ‘design’ and assume you’re farting about selling glittery wine glasses on etsy 😁

I’m a freelancer in the field of UX/content design (mostly with big public sector clients) and I agree that your CV may need to be tweaked and made more focussed for different roles - happy to take a look at it if you’d like to PM me?

If they’re like me they are thinking about all of the UX designers being churned out by universities each year who turn into freelancers that have flooded the market.

It’s great work and can be well paid but the industry is not exactly on a growth spurt. The OP needs income, she isn’t finding work in UX or related fields… It’s time to look at something else.

I gave some practical advice upthread and do agree that the OP must try to earn more from her work.

I also think that we do have a choice about whom we get into a relationship with and, given her qualifications and background in the arts and graphic design, it shouldn’t be a huge surprise to her DH that she wants to work in that field. As above, this is her profession, it’s not as if she is actually an estate agent who suddenly decided to set up a creative ‘mum business’ sticking sequins on wine glasses! If he wanted a steady-earning accountant, he should have got with an accountant.

But I really hope that the parents of arty children see this thread before their teens fill in their UCAS forms. There was an IFS report a few years back that showed that a fine art degree actually had a negative impact on the earning potential of graduates - you were less employable for having studied it!

That has been an interesting read. I was still doing a postgrad degree during the beginning of the pandemic and worked PT at a local butcher. Pay had already been fairly good before the pandemic compared to other jobs with similar requirements (particularly concerning education).

But what was really noticeable during the pandemic was how the customers‘ respect for us increased. It was a fascinating experience. (And job security was fantastic as well, which we obviously appreciated…)

I think you need to get some work through an agency, wether it’s care work or factory, something flexible which brings you in cash and allows you to drop days as your creative work increases.

Alternatively you pick up some regular creative work - tutoring in college or running weekly illustration mornings.to home educated people. You can do two or three days a week creative work on top.

Alternatively you look for weekend or evening work to counterbalance the creative income.

Why do a £12/hour job at Tesco when you can be doing £300+ day rate projects??

Because if you're not actually doing regular £300 a day jobs, you need the £12 an hour one to actually make sure your bills are being paid!

Hi OP, creative fields are difficult. I think the average annual income of an author in this country is something like £4k...

Getting a job as an Art/design technician at a school would be more security, mean school holidays were sorted and the school might well be willing for you to train as a teacher on the job if you wanted. Plus you can work on the illustration in the holidays.

Many artists have trodden this path before!

Make a proper business plan with DH for the next 5 years with a cash flow.

You need to have a plan for the New Year, so you can both get a day's break at the weekend and some time together.

I don't think posters are saying OP should give up on her normal work to go and work full time in Tesco. Simply that there are Christmas jobs about at the moment, and she might be able to pick up one of those as well as continuing to job search for her "ideal" job.

DS worked at Tesco last Christmas. There were very many people there who were picking up extra hours to earn extra money (for whatever reason) including a man who was a builder who worked 8-4 at his building job and then 3 shifts of 5-12 at Tesco; and a woman who was a management account and already on a very good salary.

MN normally likes the "equal leisure time" mantra.

Currently OP has the time that her DD is at school to herself, and, no, I doubt she is spending it all on housework, or even housework plus job searching.
I can't see that her DH has any leisure time at all, as he spends his weekends doing childcare and housework.

Yes I agree, it’s not about valuing the work or not. At the moment it’s a luxury to have a SAHP, as most people need 2 proper incomes to have a decent standard of living. Ditto someone who brings in less than the minimum wage even though they are fit/ able to work. It usually makes much more financial sense for both parents to work and then find a way to deal equally with the home stuff between them (even if standards drop at home a bit).

If a couple agrees between themselves that one partner will be the financial provider, or that they will live a reduced lifestyle (no holidays, second hand everything etc) to facilitate one parent to be mostly a SAHP that’s fine, but in this case it’s pretty clear that the OH in this case really isn’t happy.

You need to apply for non art-based jobs as well because you arent getting the art ones.
You just need to get any salaried position with a decent number of hours tbh because it sounds like the family need the consistency of a regular income.
Sometimes we dont get to do what i think of as a 'passion job'

I wouldn't be surprised if you get turned down for Tesco or cleaning roles, you clearly think you're too qualified for them so that attitude might come across at interview. I wouldn't hire someone who is going to want to leave.

Im almost afraid to post but wow.
After this post, I had a huge panic attack. My husband and I had a big cry together, my mum came over, it was a whole thing.

People on here seem to think I do nothing all day- I absolutely work, morning to afternoon, then parenting/normal life, then often work into the early hours. Then work at the weekends and pick up extra shifts whenever they are offered. I also tutor regularly, mostly young teens with SEN and I'm meeting with a charity this week that works with teens and young adults who are at risk of being involved in crime.

I'm widespread with my work to get as much work as possible, my graphic design and UI skills are self taught, however I attended university where I gained a first with Hons in Animation 1:1.

With regards to me apparently not wanting to lower myself to menial jobs, absolutely nothing could be further from the truth. Before university, I worked straight from school as a care assistant working 14 hour shifts regularly. I have also to fill career gaps in the past worked office cleaning, kitchen work and checking, retail work. I am not afraid of hard graft, and I have the injuries to prove it. I just wanted after my daughter started to school to use the time I had to get more lucrative work to support us as a family, hence the 8 weeks of actively searching.

I am intensely proud of my husband and everything he does, I love him with all my heart and we've been together for twelve years. He truly is at the forefront of my concerns. I mean that. Every penny I earn that isn't spent directly on the family goes into savings. I don't buy new clothes, I haven't had a haircut for nearly a year. But by gum, my DD WILL go to swimming lessons and have new shoes.

No, I am not making glittery wine glasses! Or earrings, or anything of the sort. I've been filling up a portfolio with the assistance of agencies and mentors in the field I studied.
I am not looking for exciting work- the jobs Ive been applying for have been things like artworker/alterer for factories and schools (really exciting things like creating advert graphics, e learning, repro print work, one that sticks out to me is for a plastics company. It's hardly DreamWorks).

That being said, I admit my own fault and I am so sorry for the burden I have placed upon our family. I just really wanted the best for them, and I guess prove to myself that I could get out of the min wage trap. I spent all night until 2am applying for pretty much anything I could find... I think I've run out of jobs to apply for!

Again, I thank you for your honesty.

OP if your DH is such a good man, why is he pressuring you to the point of having a panic attack?

For what it’s worth, I think it’s great that you have perused a career in this field and you do not have to justify it to anyone on here. I’m sorry you have been under so much pressure. And I really hope your DH looks at you as a team now rather than badgering you to make everything ok for everyone.

OP a scatter gun approach to job search doesn't always work as it can be obvious to the person doing the selection. Although it's tedious, each application needs to be tailored to the job that you are applying for. Every time. In the meantime you need to be kinder to yourself. You're doing your best and that's enough. You will find something, just keep going.