Husband pressuring me while I'm jobsearching

[Ifancyabiscuit]

Urgh, please let me know if I'm being unreasonable, ladies. I'm just so frustrated and tired.
The last year and a half I've been self employed as an illustrator, designer and artworker. This year has been spent dividing up my time between raising our daughter, building up my business and working contracts, networking like mad and working weekends at a lovely local business. I also work on smaller freelance projects that have helped support us. DD started school in September and due to some dry periods, I told DH that once she's in school I'll start drumming up more work and apply for more agencies.

DH has been the breadwinner during this time and I am more than aware of the pressure he's been under. He came to me in October and told me how stressed he was, so I basically ramped up my search. I take extra shifts wherever I possibly can, I'm applying for work every day (sometimes up to 10 a day) and I've been making my network aware that I'm looking for work. We live in a not so kind area for the creative industries so I've been applying for places I'd need to commute to, hybrid work, outside of immediate creative industry work but still relevant to my skills, etc.

I'm finally getting some call backs but not all are completely suitable (1 day a week jobs like tutoring, fine if I can stack them but not ideal etc). But it doesn't feel good enough for DH. He's stressed about money and said he wants to take DD on holidays, feel more relief. His job has been stressing him out a lot. I get the vibe from him that I'm not delivering quick enough.

He's told me that I need to earn more money, and he's walking on eggshells because when he brings it up, I get upset. I asked him "what more can I possibly do? When I'm not jobsearching or actively parenting or working on my portfolio or applying for funding or updating my busineses social media, I'm cleaning the house. I pay for our daughter's extracurriculars, I try my best, every spare pound I earn is put directly into savings. I don't know what else I can do,"

He's not been well the last couple of days so he's been in bed with a fever. In the meantime I took over everything in the house while taking care of him. Yesterday I was so tired, I actually felt faint while at the supermarket. Now he's feeling better, he brought up money and I ended up shouting at him and crying my eyes out because bloody hell.

I hate this because i want him to be proud of me and tell me that he is. Despite everything, I'm proud of myself and my achievements. It's not perfect but I have faith in this. I worry about money a lot, but I'm taking steps to change that. He is on the spectrum and finds it hard to express himself and getting feelings out of him is like winkling them out. I adore him, I really do. I think he's just in a panic and feeling stressed to the hilt but I still feel so hurt regardless. I also feel so guilty, like I'm putting him through this.

Am I unreasonable?

I think he must be doing quite a lot, because when OP had to cover what he did during his brief illness, she was overwhelmed to the point of near collapse (nearly fainted in public)

I don't think your husband understands how much money he saved with having you at home doing full-time childcare and all the housekeeping.

Yes, I agree it may be time to go back to work, but I also understand you can pull a job out of your bum.

I think he needs to understand that you may need to skip a holiday for a year or so, and he needs to suck it up.

Children also need picking up from school, so unless you can get wrap around childcare what is the plan?

He needs to relax.

So is OP though. She does childcare all week and works weekends...

Haha of course it’s always the man that’s doing it all hahahaha

Her child is in school!

@mumedu Do you run a temp agency? If you do, you will know there's not a lot about - temp or perm - and for what there is there's a lot of competition.
The temp agency sector has recently issued profit warnings!

Every time I read these types of threads where DH is obviously being an arse (and there are a lot!) I am so incredibly grateful to be single.

It doesn't mean jack when you're the one losing sleep about how you're going to pay the bills at the end of the month - especially when the other person then goes out 'networking'.

DP gave it his best shot until the big payments got further and further apart. Once there was more gap than money and future work started drying up, it half killed me, as I couldn't sleep for worry, worked my arse off fulltime, temped through every day of my annual leave, couldn't risk a day off sick or a visit to the GP in case there was a prescription to pay for and was frankly wishing for death so I could have a rest. He took temp jobs because he didn't have a current employer reference so failed at the first hurdle for many roles, then they gave him the ability to get a standard, boring, ordinary job that required working rather than networking (otherwise known as seeing mates and telling them he was looking for a new gig when not updating social media or working on non-commissioned stuff).

He now gets a salary, sick pay, has employment rights, a pension and, most importantly of all - a regular income. Because his identity as a creative sort (ignoring the fact that I was too, but had to turn down opportunities because somebody needed to pay the bills) was less important than keeping a roof over our heads, putting food in the fridge, having money to pay for prescriptions and preventing me from having a complete physical collapse.

If I had posted at the point at which I was saying I couldn't do it all to say that he insisted that he had to stay doing his creative stuff as that was his job and he'd had a handful of well paid things in the last 18 months that still kept him well below minimum wage/he'd spoken to his associates and networked to say he was looking for more, I'd have been told to fuck the cocklodger off, as no amount of washing socks or pushing a vacuum cleaner around when he was home would be comparable to bringing in a wage.

The OP needs a job with a regular income. It's the regular, reliable nature that matters most, as £24 grand over a year > £15 over 2.5. Especially when bills fall monthly, every single month, and tax/expenses need to be paid out of the £15k.

Look up the costs of nursery/childminder and show him. What does he expect you to do with your child when he is at work and you are at work?

OP don’t give up. I hear all the others who are empathising with your husband but please definitely don’t give up trying to pursue your creative career.
A wage is what you need now but 8 weeks is not long. Take a “job” but keep going with finding a role that suits your talent and experience

But she has to take them there!
And do the food shop and PUT IT AWAY!!!
Do housework!!
Working parents just don't get it with the housework fairies that they have because they of course don't ever have to do these tasks 🙄

Get a proper job so you can pull your weight and take some of the pressure off your husband

How easy is it to find a job where you live locally?

This. It isn't fair. You can do it as a side hustle and maybe someday you can get a job in the arts. Right now money needs to be coming in.

I can’t work out if you’re being sarcastic or not here…

Her child stated school in September. She is working and looking for more work.

What doesn’t mean jack? The work she already does around the home???

Really???

I'd actually composed a reply to this but read your post before posting.
Now I think I had a SOH failure - it's must be a piss-take.

Your poor husband. I'd absolutely hate to be thr sole earner in our household. We could manage but it would be tight enough to be incredibly stressful .
I know you'd prefer onto work in the arts but a) it's incredibly hard to get roles and they tend to be poorly paid to boot. You need to step up for your family too. It's not fair to put it all on your husband.
Time to widen your parameters before resentment sets in and permanently damages your marriage.

Maybe this OP. I know the self employed idea is so lovely and such hard work, but if it's affecting his mental health, maybe do 3-4 days in a contracted role and try to business on the other day as a compromised?

Then you've either been on mumsnet too long or not long enough! 😂

It is from me... but the opinion of many 😆

I don’t get the sympathy for the man here.

We know that most men do not pull their weight when it comes to “women’s work”.

And yet they still expect the woman to maximise her income.

So many women on here brainwashed by the patriarchy.

It’s certainly not mine!

Can you give us a few more details about your finances? Are you on the breadline? Why is your H so stressed? Do you have full sight of all your joint finances?

Hi OP - I am an Illustrator too, childrens books & jigsaws etc. I completely understand how hard you will have been working and what it feels like when people call your job 'a hobby' - it isn't. People have absolutely no idea whatsoever how much skill and hard work and LONG hours go into illustrating - childrens books especially, it is a massive slog. How many people on here have routinely worked 100+ hours a week for months on end without a single day off? I have, and I bet you have too.

However, what I will say is that I think the industry is extremely exploitative. It's very difficult to know or estimate how many hours a day you may end up working on a book until it gets underway, and most publishers pay a flat fee, so if you end up working crazy hours to keep up then your flat fee ends up working out as way less than minimum wage in the end. It's really really wrong, and soul destroying, but it happens all the time. I'm coming to the end of my tether now and am currently training for a qualification in a totally different industry. If a new project comes through from my agent now my first feeling is fear and trepidation - will I end up working 90 hours a week on this one - I just can't do it anymore, I'm so tired. And tired of not being paid properly for my skill and time. It has affected my health and my eyesight. I could work 100 hours a week forever more and stil not earn enough. It's not sustainable to work such terrible hours, but even worse when you get paid peanuts. Skilled people should be paid properly for their time. It's not right, but it's the way it is. Illustrator wages have remained stagnant for years, fees are the same as they were 10 years ago but life is so much more exoensive. Looking back now I wish I had done something different, but if I hadn't tried I would always have wondered what if. You might end up becoming a huge success and I'm sure you are talented and amazing at what you do, but if there is anything else in your heart that might be worth pursuing then maybe just consider exploring it. I am now studying horticulture and it's amazing.