Husband pressuring me while I'm jobsearching

[Ifancyabiscuit]

Urgh, please let me know if I'm being unreasonable, ladies. I'm just so frustrated and tired.
The last year and a half I've been self employed as an illustrator, designer and artworker. This year has been spent dividing up my time between raising our daughter, building up my business and working contracts, networking like mad and working weekends at a lovely local business. I also work on smaller freelance projects that have helped support us. DD started school in September and due to some dry periods, I told DH that once she's in school I'll start drumming up more work and apply for more agencies.

DH has been the breadwinner during this time and I am more than aware of the pressure he's been under. He came to me in October and told me how stressed he was, so I basically ramped up my search. I take extra shifts wherever I possibly can, I'm applying for work every day (sometimes up to 10 a day) and I've been making my network aware that I'm looking for work. We live in a not so kind area for the creative industries so I've been applying for places I'd need to commute to, hybrid work, outside of immediate creative industry work but still relevant to my skills, etc.

I'm finally getting some call backs but not all are completely suitable (1 day a week jobs like tutoring, fine if I can stack them but not ideal etc). But it doesn't feel good enough for DH. He's stressed about money and said he wants to take DD on holidays, feel more relief. His job has been stressing him out a lot. I get the vibe from him that I'm not delivering quick enough.

He's told me that I need to earn more money, and he's walking on eggshells because when he brings it up, I get upset. I asked him "what more can I possibly do? When I'm not jobsearching or actively parenting or working on my portfolio or applying for funding or updating my busineses social media, I'm cleaning the house. I pay for our daughter's extracurriculars, I try my best, every spare pound I earn is put directly into savings. I don't know what else I can do,"

He's not been well the last couple of days so he's been in bed with a fever. In the meantime I took over everything in the house while taking care of him. Yesterday I was so tired, I actually felt faint while at the supermarket. Now he's feeling better, he brought up money and I ended up shouting at him and crying my eyes out because bloody hell.

I hate this because i want him to be proud of me and tell me that he is. Despite everything, I'm proud of myself and my achievements. It's not perfect but I have faith in this. I worry about money a lot, but I'm taking steps to change that. He is on the spectrum and finds it hard to express himself and getting feelings out of him is like winkling them out. I adore him, I really do. I think he's just in a panic and feeling stressed to the hilt but I still feel so hurt regardless. I also feel so guilty, like I'm putting him through this.

Am I unreasonable?

Yep. See also admin roles, where you often have to weed out apps from temporarily inconvenienced accountants etc. I always think it shows a lack of respect for the potential job. You want someone who likes admin and is good at it!

If you were running a supermarket, would you want an Oxford graduate senior finance manager who hasn't worked retail since they were a teenager, over someone who is genuinely enthusiastic about retail and has lots of recent experience in similar stores?

It's fine for Christmas temping though, as they only want people for a short length of time. And now, is an ideal time to apply for Christmas jobs to give a breathing space while OP and her DH talk sensibly about future options.

Actually I said nothing about him coping, just that he must be exhausted.

OP on the other hand does appear to struggle to cope. Letting go of a few strings might actually help.

I think get a job. Any job. And do your art work around it until it's financially sustainable it its own right.

Is money really an issue or is your DH panicking because he’s worried long term? If it’s just so you can have nice holidays I think those are worth sacrificing to support your career in something you love. Xmas jobs retail can be very restrictive, working weekends/evenings etc, so would he be prepared to step up re childcare. I think you’ve worked so hard it would be a shame not to try and follow your art based career through. Can you diversify a bit, ie run after school clubs etc?

I worked the night shift at Royal mail last year when I was in between jobs, Christmas sorter, paid very well
I could do the school run, sleeping for approx 6/7 hours in the day
Money is a real worry for most families,I understand the stress .

I feel your pain with this - I trained as an illustrator and designer and was self employed and struggling for years. I found bar and waiting tables fitted around my kids and it allowed me to continue with artwork. I am now employed for a sign company so still creative.

Its hard to do a completely non creative job if you are a creative person.

So I am going against the grain here. Your husband chose to marry you and knew your background/ career choice. He also chose to have a child which needs a parent around- even in school there are drop offs and pick ups or costs of wrap around care.

His getting stressed sounds like it’s his career choice and not financial worries? Does he realise if you work full time his life will get more stressful as HE will need to help with child care AND housework?

I can’t believe the responses from MN is automatically for you to go and get a min wage job at the detriment of your child and overall home life for all of you whilst paying some else to look after your child.

identify the problem then solve the problem. If it’s financial tighten your belts and make savings. If it’s your ND husband being unable to cope with the workplace or having autistic meltdowns then taking it out on you that is not on.

for those who are saying ‘art is for hobbies’ get a real job, enlighten yourself - some artistic activities are commercial and her business sounds that. She isn’t saying she wants to ‘paint in her studio’.

focus on building up your business M-F which can fit round YOUR financial contribution ie housekeeper and child minder for HIS child. Get a job at the weekend (anything), whilst he does the childminding and housework. Unless you have the bailiffs at the door focus on your business. Your husband is deflecting his issues on you and gaslighting you to make out you are the problem.

@Dogsbreath7 thanks for saying what I'm saying- also she does have a job at the weekend plus some freelance too - just it seems not enough- OP hasn't said what she earns but I wouldn't be suprised if it's in the £17k to £24k range for a year adding in all activities - which let's face it is the same as a full time minimum wage job people are suggesting - would we go around saying 'get a real job' to all the ladies on here working either part time or full time and earning in that range as well as dealing with a home and children ? I don't think we would. I get tge feeling this isn't about OPs earnings or things being massively tight-she states she puts money into savings- I think this is about her OP having unrealistic expectations - doesn't sound like OP was ever a massive earner- so why would she suddenly be - maybe he should tell her to drop the savings if he wants holidays instead ?

You aren't going to want to hear this but ... You need to do what I have had to do and get a job.

I accepted that both my arty aspirations and my own business are not bringing in what we need right now.

So I polished up the CV and am going all out on LinkedIn networking and applying for further full time well paid roles.

A fixed term contract is a good idea where you can save money and have a cushion for when it ends, then have another go at your business.

Your poor husband is at the end of his tether.

How long have you been looking for work before he started to pressure you? If he is stressed he isn’t getting a break and time to restore even at a weekend. It’s hard looking after the house and job hunting but if your child is in school you have time for that.

Its hard getting a balance but perhaps a part time job in school hours would help you both with time to search part of the weekend still.

That is precisely what I have been doing for the past 8 weeks. My linkedin is SHINING, and I'm on it multiple times a day. In that time I must have applied to approx 40-50 jobs for artworking, CAD, UI and basic graphic design jobs. So.... Yes. Exactly that.

Anyway- update. Since my last post I've applied for upwards of another 30 jobs (thanks for the motivation guys) including night cleaning jobs, which when I get a full time position I intend to keep. I'm still yet to hear anything, but I've been sending out follow up emails to past applications and many of the positions posted are not closed yet.

And I work weekends and pick up as many extra shifts as is offered, I'd take more but they're not open on those days!

And I've had a lot of questions about money. Before my daughter started school, my previous job paid about £600 a month (I moved to part time after she was born. I was working retail.). For a good while, my self employed work met that monthly pay, sometimes more. I was working self employed as well as working before I left retail. The plan was always once she started school, I would use the portfolio and work I had built up in the meantime to find a full time relevant position with higher pay and better benefits. We made the decision together as a couple.

He has struggled but he has a stressful job. I was angry at him before but we sat down and finally talked properly about what's been going on. He is still my best friend and I will defend him to the hilt. We are humans after all with human feelings, both of us sucked in that moment, and both made good points at the same time. I made this post in a moment of angry weakness and I guess I wanted a handhold. Well, more fool me!

This is my last update because quite frankly I'm tired and I just want to focus on my family and working. Because I have a contract deadline to meet with my publisher. And I have more applications to make and a telephone interview today.

I don't think it is the DH making her have a panic attack, it's the toxic and venomous posts on here

Not in this case - it’s exactly what OP says!

8 weeks!!! You knew your daughter was starting school in September so why weren't you applying during the summer to start in September?

Civil Service?

Oh wake up! What about before and after school?

@Ifancyabiscuit Sorry OP the trolls are out in force tonight. I have a background in fashion design and people generally don't seem to think it's a real job. Their problem not yours. I'm not sure what you were doing before you embarked on this but it is just a really tough market out there right now and any new endeavour will take time. If you are designing the right thing, and have talent you can make a success of it and it can be a career, but it takes time and it's hard to be creative with a stressed out husband, you managing the majority of the family mental load and household chores, childcare etc. That should be split fairly. Job hunting us a job in itself. You should not be looking for jobs at 2am.

I would work backwards. Sit down with your husband, work out how much do you "need" to earn a month and how much would you both ideally "like" you to earn a month. If you're not meeting the need bit then before chucking the towel in, think about what other ways you can approach it - different areas you can go in. I have friends who are freelance print designers who work for fashion print houses on a freelance basis. Another friend makes a healthy living selling cards on Etsy and artworks you can download. Do you need to increase your social media presence? Can you find a niche? How can you grow your network, what could you be doing better. Consider freelance work for half the week and part time work in something non related if you can find it just to pay the bills. Agree a timeline so that your husband isn't breathing down your neck all of the time. I can feel the stress and panic in your posts OP.

It's all very well people saying "go out get a proper job" but there are plenty of people who hate their job and think it's normal to hate working and that it's something you have to do to pay the bills. It's not. It's totally possible to land your dream career. If I had listened to every person who told me to lack fashion in and get a regular job, I wouldn't be where I am now. If you're a creative person it can be quite depressing when you are not doing anything creative, it's part of who you are. People who aren't creative, will not understand. You and your husband need to find a balance. He needs to support you on your new business and work on how to manage his stress from his job and you need to meet the minimum amount that needs to be earned to pay the bills. You both need to agree a plan.

The husband is a parent who looks after HIS child at the weekend while his wife works. Do you think he should have a medal for this?

Do not apologise OP. You have been unfairly roasted on this thread by people who think that a creative career is no career at all. It is a career and you should not be shamed for wanting to get a job within your skill set. I wish you so much luck in your job
search.

The chap who set up Proper Job theatre company had been told to get one so many times, he decided to go with it.

I first heard that story (from the founder) about 25 years ago and it's still going strong.

But he knew what field you work in and what your earnings would likely be when he married you? If he couldn’t handle being the breadwinner, he should’ve married a woman with a lucrative career, and you should’ve tried to look for a man who would make enough money for your art business to be a side hustle and who appreciated your availability for childcare. There was something missing here in how you two built a life together while having completely different visions of how it would look.

Your daughter has been in school 3 months, time to be true to your word.

Tutoring isn’t a one day a week job, if you took the one you have been offered you could build that up, doing more time near exam times, holiday bumper course, new clients over time etc. People in creative industries like it as they can do more work when needed but drop/reduce it when things take off in their creative field. And I guess that’s just one example from the call backs you have had. Your husband is struggling so you need to take more of the strain for a bit.