Husband pressuring me while I'm jobsearching

[Ifancyabiscuit]

Urgh, please let me know if I'm being unreasonable, ladies. I'm just so frustrated and tired.
The last year and a half I've been self employed as an illustrator, designer and artworker. This year has been spent dividing up my time between raising our daughter, building up my business and working contracts, networking like mad and working weekends at a lovely local business. I also work on smaller freelance projects that have helped support us. DD started school in September and due to some dry periods, I told DH that once she's in school I'll start drumming up more work and apply for more agencies.

DH has been the breadwinner during this time and I am more than aware of the pressure he's been under. He came to me in October and told me how stressed he was, so I basically ramped up my search. I take extra shifts wherever I possibly can, I'm applying for work every day (sometimes up to 10 a day) and I've been making my network aware that I'm looking for work. We live in a not so kind area for the creative industries so I've been applying for places I'd need to commute to, hybrid work, outside of immediate creative industry work but still relevant to my skills, etc.

I'm finally getting some call backs but not all are completely suitable (1 day a week jobs like tutoring, fine if I can stack them but not ideal etc). But it doesn't feel good enough for DH. He's stressed about money and said he wants to take DD on holidays, feel more relief. His job has been stressing him out a lot. I get the vibe from him that I'm not delivering quick enough.

He's told me that I need to earn more money, and he's walking on eggshells because when he brings it up, I get upset. I asked him "what more can I possibly do? When I'm not jobsearching or actively parenting or working on my portfolio or applying for funding or updating my busineses social media, I'm cleaning the house. I pay for our daughter's extracurriculars, I try my best, every spare pound I earn is put directly into savings. I don't know what else I can do,"

He's not been well the last couple of days so he's been in bed with a fever. In the meantime I took over everything in the house while taking care of him. Yesterday I was so tired, I actually felt faint while at the supermarket. Now he's feeling better, he brought up money and I ended up shouting at him and crying my eyes out because bloody hell.

I hate this because i want him to be proud of me and tell me that he is. Despite everything, I'm proud of myself and my achievements. It's not perfect but I have faith in this. I worry about money a lot, but I'm taking steps to change that. He is on the spectrum and finds it hard to express himself and getting feelings out of him is like winkling them out. I adore him, I really do. I think he's just in a panic and feeling stressed to the hilt but I still feel so hurt regardless. I also feel so guilty, like I'm putting him through this.

Am I unreasonable?

@Ifancyabiscuit try for content creator/ graphics/illustration jobs in the charity sector. You'll easily get either a f/t or p/t role and you can do your freelance jobs in your spare time
https://www.charityjob.co.uk/illustrator-jobs

So many patronising comments! Wow! As if looking for work in the creative sector is just indulging a passion or a hobby rather than wanting to pursue work that relates in some way to your skill set and professional experience.

Local supermarkets wouldn’t even have me when I applied, I guess it was probably quite clear that I would drop them in an instant when something in my field came up!

What about agency work in the care/events/hospitality sector? There’s always work going and zero commitment for when something more relevant comes up.

God bless those working parents’ housework faeries 😅

Ignore the people saying to 'get a real job', creative work is a real job, I say this as someone earning £60k with an arts degree working in a creative field.

Having said that, it sounds like you're casting your net too wide. All due respect, but UX/UI have nothing to do with graphic design and illustration, they're speciliast technical roles. Are you using the same CV/cover letter to apply for these positions? Do you have any experience in tech/software development?

Fair dos if so, but even people with the qualifications in those areas often struggle to find work due to high numbers of applicants so I do wonder if you're pitching at the wrong level.

THIS

OP it is an achievement making money out of a creative skill. But you do not and should not need your husband to tell you this. Be proud of yourself. Your self worth does not rest on him.

On a practical level, I’m assuming you live outside of commuting distance to London? I only say this because I know a few people in your sort of line of work and there are usually jobs in London if you’re willing to be flexible about the sector (which your clearly are).

Did this all become more of an issue after DD was born?

Most supermarkets and home bargains /b@m etx look for Xmas staff

Some are nights near me stacking shelves - some days

Tesco ans Iceland want delivery drivers

But a lot of jobs about

It may not be what you want to do but at the moment your chosen career isn't working for you

Her little one is in full time school.

Yes, my mistake - you're absolutely right that OP is already contributing both financially and by looking after their child.

I think unless finances are at breaking point OP shouldn't rush to get a job which will do little to increase their income but will have a detrimental impact on their quality of life.

Some people on here are HORRIBLE. I almost thing the moderators must read some conversations and be ashamed of Mumsnet.

When I was much younger with a 1 yr old I posted on here for the first time because I was having very upsetting arguments with my husband. I turned back to work for 15 minutes and when I reopened mumsnet I was confronted by what felt like hundreds of messages and a massive pileon basically telling me how awful I was, and that all these total strangers felt so sorry for my husband. I was a young mum having a very difficult time in my relationship, thinking that I might get a bit of support from some fellow parents. How naive!

OP - this sounds really difficult. Getting a job is hard. I hire a lot of people and I know much many jobs some people have applied for before they even get an interview.

Stress has obviously got to you and your husband. Sending strength and good luck with the hunt X.

And I wonder who is doing the cleaning cooking and looking after the child while OP is at her weekend job? Could it possibly be ... DH?

As the child is out at school for 6 hours a day, there's a very good chance that DH actually does more solo parenting than OP does.

Ironically your post does not seem to value this.

Question OP did you get any formal qualifications in art like a degree? Is a PGCE possible? Art teacher?

It’s worth looking at the sort of job adverts/vacancies in your area that have the work schedule and pay you’d want and then jot down the qualifications for it? Some don’t require a lot or even any extra qualifications.

A friend freelances doing property inspections for estate agents of rental properties. It’s an easy job that pays well.

I agree you need to keep the side hustle a side hustle, but I also agree this doesn’t have to mean minimum wage at Tescos or an Amazon warehouse.

Right but settling in is important. I do think now it's been a couple of months you have to be less fussy OP. Even if you keep looking for your "dream job" on the side

Oh god the poor man no wonder he’s stressed then poor thing!

I highly doubt he is doing more “women's work” than the actual woman and no I won’t give a man the benefit of the doubt.

Women are being exploited by men for free labour in the vast majority of marriages and marriage is actually far worse for a woman than a man.

edited for spelling!

Right and who does the after school pick up? Are we forgetting 3-6 exists?

Do you have a Costco near you. They’re desperate for seasonal staff and the pay is good. Have you thought about signing up for an agency to do TA work. I work in SEND and we have lots of agency staff it pays well for them especially if you can manage childcare around it. Can you drive, how about delivering for supermarkets?

@EmotionalSupportPotato after school club and/or childminders exist! Even with paying for club 3 days a week I’m thousands better off than if I didn’t work! And I don’t have a particularly well paid job!

Also I mean this kindly but if after two days of ‘doing everything’ with a school aged child you were feeling faint with exhaustion, you might want to evaluate your own stress levels and if you might need a bit of an MOT as well

Unfortunately for me I did exactly the same job as my DH before having children.
I then got to go part-time. I couldn't pretend that looking after the house and the children we both loved was anything like as stressful as the job he was doing.
If I didn't get everything done, well...the house looks a bit of a tip and we get a takeaway for supper.
If he didn't get everything done, people might die.

Wow there are some really mean comments on here by people who know little about the realities of running a business!! This might have been covered already but have you tried getting into touch with small marketing and web agencies, they will often need a graphic designer/UX designer to refer work too. I don’t think people realise how amazing people like you are and what a different you can make to a business,I just used a graphic designer to upgrade a client websites and his average order value has increased significantly!! The “arty stuff” does matter!!

When funds are low, the only relevance is that the job pays a regular living wage. It sounds like you're being quite picky and rather than thinking of a job as a means to earn a living, you’re looking for a dream job to fulfil your creativity. That sort of a job is a luxury.

I’m sorry you are in this position but you need to take stock.

In a funny way I think you actually need to do fewer things. I can’t keep track of whether you are working on your business, your contracts, your freelance work or your weekend job. I am sure that feeling of ‘one thing then another’ really doesn’t help.

Focus on one ‘earner’, ideally a part time job
that you can do without too much stress. Can you work in your weekend job during the week too?

Have one self-employed endeavour that fits alongside it and turn your laser focus onto that and that alone.

Finally, raise your rates, even if this means going after more prestigious clients. Unless you are actually paying yourself a living wage then it is all pointless.

Best wishes.

Firstly if your dh is stressed about finances and needs you to find a job to pay the bills and have a better lifestyle. Why is everything you are earning atm going into savings?

I would sit down with dh and go through the finances. Sort out where every penny is going and if there is anything you can cut down on or get at a cheaper amount. Things like insurances, energy bills and telephone etc can be cut down as well as credit card interest if you have any credit card debt

Once you have got a figure that you know will cover everything vital each month (include commutes to work)
Then you can work out how much money you have regularly coming in. If your outgoings is more than your income then you know exactly what you need to earn extra to pay the bills

If you already achieve that you can then add in the monthly savings you need for a yearly holiday, maybe £100 each spending money and a date night each month (baby sitter, restaurant etc) Then you have a figure to work towards

However working longer hours will also need to cover wrap around care, commuting etc

Is there anything you have that can be sold or do you have a parking space that could be sort after i.e near a station, airport etc that could be rented out.

Unfortunately we have to keep our passions as a sideline and get a job. Supply work maybe, sounds as if you have teaching experience. X