Husband pressuring me while I'm jobsearching

[Ifancyabiscuit]

Urgh, please let me know if I'm being unreasonable, ladies. I'm just so frustrated and tired.
The last year and a half I've been self employed as an illustrator, designer and artworker. This year has been spent dividing up my time between raising our daughter, building up my business and working contracts, networking like mad and working weekends at a lovely local business. I also work on smaller freelance projects that have helped support us. DD started school in September and due to some dry periods, I told DH that once she's in school I'll start drumming up more work and apply for more agencies.

DH has been the breadwinner during this time and I am more than aware of the pressure he's been under. He came to me in October and told me how stressed he was, so I basically ramped up my search. I take extra shifts wherever I possibly can, I'm applying for work every day (sometimes up to 10 a day) and I've been making my network aware that I'm looking for work. We live in a not so kind area for the creative industries so I've been applying for places I'd need to commute to, hybrid work, outside of immediate creative industry work but still relevant to my skills, etc.

I'm finally getting some call backs but not all are completely suitable (1 day a week jobs like tutoring, fine if I can stack them but not ideal etc). But it doesn't feel good enough for DH. He's stressed about money and said he wants to take DD on holidays, feel more relief. His job has been stressing him out a lot. I get the vibe from him that I'm not delivering quick enough.

He's told me that I need to earn more money, and he's walking on eggshells because when he brings it up, I get upset. I asked him "what more can I possibly do? When I'm not jobsearching or actively parenting or working on my portfolio or applying for funding or updating my busineses social media, I'm cleaning the house. I pay for our daughter's extracurriculars, I try my best, every spare pound I earn is put directly into savings. I don't know what else I can do,"

He's not been well the last couple of days so he's been in bed with a fever. In the meantime I took over everything in the house while taking care of him. Yesterday I was so tired, I actually felt faint while at the supermarket. Now he's feeling better, he brought up money and I ended up shouting at him and crying my eyes out because bloody hell.

I hate this because i want him to be proud of me and tell me that he is. Despite everything, I'm proud of myself and my achievements. It's not perfect but I have faith in this. I worry about money a lot, but I'm taking steps to change that. He is on the spectrum and finds it hard to express himself and getting feelings out of him is like winkling them out. I adore him, I really do. I think he's just in a panic and feeling stressed to the hilt but I still feel so hurt regardless. I also feel so guilty, like I'm putting him through this.

Am I unreasonable?

Because he can't manage the entire financial burden any longer.

Regardless. That’s a conversation to be had. Not chipping away at someone who is clearly trying to the point of them having a panic attack.

hope you find something soon OP and in the meantime try not to get worked up (easier said than done). A breakdown won’t help you get a job any quicker x

I agree. This conversation?
He came to me in October and told me how stressed he was

it doesn't feel good enough for DH. He's stressed about money and said he wants to take DD on holidays, feel more relief.

His job has been stressing him out a lot. I get the vibe from him that I'm not delivering quick enough.

He's told me that I need to earn more money, and he's walking on eggshells because when he brings it up, I get upset.

he brought up money and I ended up shouting at him and crying my eyes out because bloody hell.

Sounds like he has tried.

@Ifancyabiscuit you’ve had a lot of brutal feedback on this thread and I’m sorry. I don’t think you deserve being given such a hard time. It’s not like you’ve not been contributing and you’ve been working really hard. Please be kind to yourself. It is bloody hard right now to find any job let alone ones in specific industries. You will get there. I understand your husband is stressed, but marriage is about supporting each other and you are doing that. This too shall pass and something will come up. I wish you all the very best.

OP, you have been getting very extreme responses on here. What you and your DH need to do is breath, talk and calculate.

how much did you earn on average per month during the last year? Last two year? Is this an uncharacteristic slump or is something else going on?
would a minimum wage FT job actually be better than your past monthly average?
would you having a „regular“ FT job lead to increased childcare costs? Would you end up with more or less disposable income?

it seems like you and your DH had a financial/ career plan. Part of that plan meant you being self-employed.

It currently seems like that plan may not be working out, so you may need to reassess. But making rash decision and throwing all your previous work and effort out of the window most likely will not have long term benefits.

Being self-employed is stressful. A lack of job security is one of the major drawbacks. But that’s something you and your DH surely were aware of.

Your DH is clearly unable to deal with that kind of insecurity. So you may need to reassess your plans and adjust your career goals. But that is NOT something you are to blame for. This is definitely not something you need to fix by potentially permanently damaging your career.

I don't think this thread will be helping much OP!

We are just a bunch of random sitting behind phone and computer screens...

Creative careers are hard. They're not self-indulgent: in fact these industries are a major export earner. We'd be poorer without them.

But it's hard to break in without connections and hard to sustain. There's a lot of exploitation.

Whatever you do, have regard to your own wellbeing (and medium term, your pension...)

yep, October. Now it’s November. So between 1-2 months, let’s say 1.5 months. OP has clearly been trying and is currently still earning something.

but making a drastic career change and finding a suitable job that’s also compatible with their family and living situation? That takes time. I’d give OP more time than 6 weeks.

The interview / application process for certain positions can easily take several weeks…

Just to add that I got myself out of a career in a creative industry that was volatile and into a secure teaching job (not a "creative" subject), but it took a couple of years of hard work and it was with DH's full support (plus we could pay our bills on his salary and we had savings). Actually maybe realistically it took 5 years considering it took me a while to admit things needed to change, finish existing contracts, find a training course, do the training, get a permanent job etc. Oh and have a baby! Goodness it was hard work but a decade on I know I did the right thing.

OP, you obviously doesn't react well to hearing things you don't like.
I don't know what you expected/wanted from this thread - I'm guessing positive strokes and reassurance. However, AIBU isn't the place for that (maybe you're very new to MN).
If your reaction to being told - quite harshly on occasion, I realise - that, yes YABU is to say:
Im almost afraid to post but wow.
After this post, I had a huge panic attack. My husband and I had a big cry together, my mum came over, it was a whole thing.
then maybe social media isn't ideal for you. Surely your mum isn't able come over every time somebody upsets you.
You had your DH there already.
Given also that your reaction to your husband talking about money is:
I ended up shouting at him and crying my eyes out because bloody hell
I'm not surprised he feels he's "walking on eggshells".
If I were you, I'd step away from SM and try to have a good talk about money with your DH without turning on the waterworks.

This. I can't understand why some people think you are sitting with your feet up while your dd is at school. I am retired now but back when my dc were primary age I did a lot of agency work. I was offered permanent jobs by 3 of the places I worked at. I couldn't take up the offers at the time because I needed the flexibility, but it got us through a few years without paying for child care.

Have you looked at the online gaming industry? My DH is very similar (artist/animator) and although it's not his preferred industry it pays the bills fairly well and allows him to do his preferred medium in his spare time. There are some agencies that have contract work for 3/6m if you just wanted short term but it pays quite well. You do need to have a digital portfolio, but sounds like you might.

That's amazing - yes I absolutely would be happy to do that. What agencies does he work with? I'm familiar already with a lot but any more that I can add to my collection is greatly, greatly appreciated.

@Ifancyabiscuit his last one was through ROC Search Ltd, they contracted him directly to a company on a 3m contract and he's still there 18m later.
Good luck, it's really tough out there but you absolutely can make a living out of being an artist, a lot of people don't understand that it's not all sitting at a craft fair. It took him a little while but he's very settled now, and got a good gig. Keep working on portfolio!
I hope you and your DH work it out - it's so challenging when money is involved.

May your pillow always be cold and your feet have the fluffiest socks.
Thank you.

I might be missing something but I don't really understand why your husband is getting stressed in the way that he is. If he has a job with a regular stable salary then the stress is surely in the budget? If you work with him and look at the pinch points you might find economies or choices.
If there simply isn't enough money, then yes, you need a more stable income but you are job hunting across a pretty wide spectrum. I'm not sure what else you can do.

Based on your situation i would consider taking on some cleaning jobs - ideally a few older clients who need help keeping on top of their houses including laundry and perhaps some shopping, many families are looking for someone to do this sort of role for 3 hours a week, you can charge around £17.50 per hour and perfect to fit in after school drop off still giving you time to work on freelance projects afterwards/evenings. Would be a good stop gap until your child is a bit older.

Name changing for this but OP I could have almost written your post.

If you're only working part time, then you're on about £30k pro rata. You only started job hunting recently. It'll realistically be January before you're starting somewhere.

The absolute arse has fallen out of the creative industries since covid. I went freelance in the arts too recently, and I'm not sitting selling sea shells at a craft fair either. But I'm also having a rethink.

This year I've probably earned about £20k. It's not enough but it's not nothing. I'm under contract with a publisher (£30k book deal) but you only get 25% of a book deal upfront. I also set up a new sideline for DH which is bringing him £12k a year already (he's delivering it but I project managed the start). I have other regular freelance contracts (e.g. copywriting) at a day rate of c.£350. These are actual jobs with deadlines and I will miss those deadlines if I go and work in Asda. Two more contracts and I'd be on £50k plus - it would take me 18 months of working full time in a supermarket to make up that difference, plus I'd have lost any free time to apply/pitch for Head of Dept contracts which was the level at my last full time job in 2022.

Practical advice. Look for 3 days a week and keep the freelance as a side hustle, you'll probably enjoy it more and you might be able to maintain your day rate that way too. Charity/public sector also employ web/design staff. Try and temp in the meantime.

People on here seem to think I do nothing all day- I absolutely work, morning to afternoon, then parenting/normal life, then often work into the early hours. Then work at the weekends and pick up extra shifts whenever they are offered. I also tutor regularly, mostly young teens with SEN and I'm meeting with a charity this week that works with teens and young adults who are at risk of being involved in crime.

I think the problem, and the reasons why you’re getting the responses you are, is that you’re not being clear about what you’re actually doing and how much money it is bringing in. You didn’t mention tutoring before. All of this sounds like a lot, but the issue is that if it’s not earning a decent wage it’s putting unnecessary pressure on your household/ DH. Is the charity work paid? How much on average are you earning a month? What is your DH earning?

There’s a big difference between someone earning essentially pocket money for themselves (and maybe a few treats for the kids), and someone who is earning maybe 2-3k a month and also building a business as well- and I am not sure which camp you sit in.

God, thank you. Im not sat here stringing beads onto necklaces (though that is lovely and I have done similar in my tutoring sessions) I'm sat in front of Adobe day in and day out! I've got a book contract that needs to be completed and I can't afford to miss the deadline. Publishers need to eat too!

I mentioned networking before... I've travelled to and attended industry gardens, career cafes, meeting and shaking hands with big players in the industry, owners of studios and animation veterans, making all the right noises.

Thank you for all the practical advice, I'll be following that. Bloody COVID. Bloody AI. I'm truly grateful. Thank you.

I'm also grateful for the harsh responses. If anything, it got us communicating, and lit an angry fire up my arse. Thank you.

Another option, if you're serious about building your business, is to look for interim contracts of 3-6 months. Spend part of your year on those, bank the money, and spend the rest of the time on your design business.

Also people don't realise when they talk about "marketing yourself" but for a lot of freelancers but having 2 clients can represent a poverty level but more than 5 would mean they were overloaded. There is a very small goldilocks zone!

I don't expect you to state it here , but how much do you bring in ? How much would a job that you could do without the relevant qualifications bring in and how much would childcare & travel be. I would sit and go through the maths ,it might not be much difference whereas building a business might bring better rewards in the future or perhaps any full time job will make a big difference .

@Ifancyabiscuit you might have missed my post upthread, but I do feel that you are trying to do too many different things. Each ‘mode switch’ will reduce your focus and has the risk of giving off the impression that you aren’t committed to any one area.

I freelance at present (although I would like a job) and absolutely none of my work has come from casual networking. It is all from very specific prior relationships and targeted applications. I do nothing on social media in relation to my freelance work apart from having a profile on LinkedIn.

Next time you shake hands with someone, actually follow it up with a pitch. Look for organisations that are growing and pitch to them. Don’t waste time being active on social media for the sake of it, spend that time on developing tailored pitch material.

Oh and seriously consider raising your rates.

Anyone with higher qualifications is a flight risk even if you interview as though it's the best job in the world