Husband pressuring me while I'm jobsearching

[Ifancyabiscuit]

Urgh, please let me know if I'm being unreasonable, ladies. I'm just so frustrated and tired.
The last year and a half I've been self employed as an illustrator, designer and artworker. This year has been spent dividing up my time between raising our daughter, building up my business and working contracts, networking like mad and working weekends at a lovely local business. I also work on smaller freelance projects that have helped support us. DD started school in September and due to some dry periods, I told DH that once she's in school I'll start drumming up more work and apply for more agencies.

DH has been the breadwinner during this time and I am more than aware of the pressure he's been under. He came to me in October and told me how stressed he was, so I basically ramped up my search. I take extra shifts wherever I possibly can, I'm applying for work every day (sometimes up to 10 a day) and I've been making my network aware that I'm looking for work. We live in a not so kind area for the creative industries so I've been applying for places I'd need to commute to, hybrid work, outside of immediate creative industry work but still relevant to my skills, etc.

I'm finally getting some call backs but not all are completely suitable (1 day a week jobs like tutoring, fine if I can stack them but not ideal etc). But it doesn't feel good enough for DH. He's stressed about money and said he wants to take DD on holidays, feel more relief. His job has been stressing him out a lot. I get the vibe from him that I'm not delivering quick enough.

He's told me that I need to earn more money, and he's walking on eggshells because when he brings it up, I get upset. I asked him "what more can I possibly do? When I'm not jobsearching or actively parenting or working on my portfolio or applying for funding or updating my busineses social media, I'm cleaning the house. I pay for our daughter's extracurriculars, I try my best, every spare pound I earn is put directly into savings. I don't know what else I can do,"

He's not been well the last couple of days so he's been in bed with a fever. In the meantime I took over everything in the house while taking care of him. Yesterday I was so tired, I actually felt faint while at the supermarket. Now he's feeling better, he brought up money and I ended up shouting at him and crying my eyes out because bloody hell.

I hate this because i want him to be proud of me and tell me that he is. Despite everything, I'm proud of myself and my achievements. It's not perfect but I have faith in this. I worry about money a lot, but I'm taking steps to change that. He is on the spectrum and finds it hard to express himself and getting feelings out of him is like winkling them out. I adore him, I really do. I think he's just in a panic and feeling stressed to the hilt but I still feel so hurt regardless. I also feel so guilty, like I'm putting him through this.

Am I unreasonable?

@Whoyoutakingto of course it’s a job for but if it’s not bringing in money it’s a hobby. She has already said that she lives in a place where jobs like that don’t really exist so she is competing for the vanishingly few home based jobs.

OP - I'm curious what his concerns are based on.

Financially are you, as a household, able to meet all bills and cope with anything unexpected i.e. car repair without going into debt?

Is your partner's job secure or is he worrying about redundancy etc?

Does he enjoy his job or is it very stressful?

What increase in household income would elevate his concerns or is is it the pressure of being the 'sole' earner which is the root of his unhappiness?

What would the difference in income mean for your life? Essential house repairs or more takeaways?

I think your answers to the above will indicate how urgent your job search is and what sort of jobs you should apply for.

Whatever you do decide though it has to be an agreement you are both happy with - working towards a shared goal.

Jobs that you want are hard to come by just now. Added into that the ad hoc pieces of work bringing in money here and there is not really workable when you have a child to support and a partner who is telling you he is struggling. Does your hubby enjoy his job or does he do it because he has to? Lots of us would love to work in areas we have a passion for but for most of us that just doesn't pay the bills. I would look for any job that will provide you with a regular salary just now and keep your art as a hobby for your free time

Every single business uses ‘arty stuff’ but there are some who value other people’s time appropriately and some who don’t. Even stock images are made by someone. Some stuff is possible with AI and computer packages but mostly looks terrible.

Op it sounds like you are doing really well in a difficult, unappreciated sector. If childcare and cleaning were added on you are basically doing your fair share. You could be doing something considered a ‘real job’ like working as a career and still be low paid and under valued.

Keep going.

It's really hard for anyone, however talented, to make a living in your chosen area and perhaps it is too much to do in a situation when your DH's salary is not enough for the family's needs. How about trying to find a possibly lower paid but regular job with a regular salary at least for now?

@Roundandback he isn't the sole earner though unless OP is working for free at weekends and doing her other bits for free- this is no difference to lots of mums on here having 20 hour week jobs

No, that’s not what I meant at all. OP is seeking work. She wants to work. According to her posts she is seeking all kinds of work, not just ‘arty stuff’. Her DH knows this, and can see she is doing all she can, and continues to take out his own job burnout on her.

Rather than saying, for example, I am feeling really stressed at work and worried about money, he goes off at her about her needing to get a job. She agrees she needs to get a job! She wants to get a job! She’s actively trying all the time. It is tough out there, and given that he can’t seem to manage his own emotional state, she needs to keep her head down and focus on job hunting rather than engaging emotionally with his ranting.

I think unless you’ve been used as an emotional punchbag by a ND partner on the verge of burnout, you probably can’t understand the intensity with which he’s likely having a go at her.

To echo PP’s, you need to be applying for permanent full time roles with a salary. I know it’s not what you want to hear, or do. But if you’re struggling financially as a family and cannot reap the rewards then you need a permanent role.

has anyone suggested looking at the budget together and seeing the actual ins and outs of your account?
see how tight the situation really is (maybe by doing the calculations only on his wage). this may help you visualize what your monthly income actually needs to be and help you put into perspective what you need to aim for.
i'd move this to money matters and get budgeting help first so you know what income is needed.

In the meantime you can sign up to a temp agency and bring in a bit of cash.

Have you spoken to any recruitment agencies that specialise in finding work for creative freelancers? If you get on the books of a few they're typically good at calling up when they have something that would suit.

I think there are a lot of people hearing "art" in this thread and translating it as "hobby." There are plenty of work from home opportunities for graphic and web designers. Look for sectors with a lot of money like tech. More likely to get work coming in from second week of Jan at this point though.

I think it's important to note none of you have any idea what OP is bringing in - for all you know as I've said below she could be bringing in at least the equivalent of a full time minimum wage job- and have a H with unrealistic expectations

He sounds vile.

I wonder who is doing all the cleaning cooking and looking after the child during the week when it’s not in school. You I bet.

This might not be paid work but it is still work!!!

No one values the work of a mother in a patriarchy.

Over what time period? How much did you earn on average per month? How much are you currently working? Would you actually be better off with a minimum wage job? How would that affect your childcare needs?

these are the things you and your DH need to calculate and openly talk about. You need to have a shared and realistic perspective about your career choices and the financial repercussions of these choices.

You unilaterally deciding that you’ll just stop and take a minimum wage job is about as constructive as refusing to widen your search.

Yep. It’s also quite possible that she currently has the time and flexibility to do considerably more housework and childcare than she would in a FT minimum wage job.

YABU, but gently, because I think you’ve got the message already. If one person is stressed by the job that makes them the breadwinner it’s not ok for the second person to flit around doing what makes them happy. If one has to slog then both do.

@potatocakesinprogress - indeed - hearing the words art or creative sector seems to bring out the 'you get paid for that' ? people - we earn around £110k a year income working in creative sector - the idea anything creative should just be a hobby is for those who have no idea of opportunities in those industry's for those that are good/consistent /have networks/ have built things up over time -

It's not as if OP isn't earning at all!! It makes more sense to me just to pick up a few shifts casual work in week to add to weekend work and keep seeking opportunities

What mother do you know that doesn’t have to slog?!

I think he sounds like a bit of a bully OP.

And all those saying get down to Tesco or cleaning etc - I wonder how many of you are doing nice little 15 to 25 hours a week part time jobs ( because it sounds to me the OP is already doing that with weekend work plus any freelance she picks up) plus housework and childcare and would be exceptionally pissed off if your partner/husband was implying you were not contributing sufficient.

First of all constantly pressure you is not going to achieve anything.

I am also a creative. The way I make it work is by having a part-time office job as a Senior Marketing Manager 3 days a week where I use my creative/design skills and alongside that I run my own art practice which is my real passion.

Anyone who suggest I should give up my art practice would be told to get lost, any partner included...

I assume you are doing most of the childcare and home admin as well so it is not like you are living a life of leisure.

I also don't see why people are giving you a hard time...

The man being the main breadwinner and the woman working part-time and looking after children is a very common scenario.

Is your partner going to step in and look after the kids/home more if you take a full time role? I doubt that very much.

My advice would be to continue your freelance stuff and get yourself a part-time role to bring some regular money in.

You also need to have a look at your outgoings and see what you can save on because you might just be spending more money than you need to.

'@Crikeyalmighty

And all those saying get down to Tesco or cleaning etc - I wonder how many of you are doing nice little 15 to 25 hours a week part time jobs ( because it sounds to me the OP is already doing that with weekend work plus any freelance she picks up) plus housework and childcare and would be exceptionally pissed off if your partner/husband was implying you were not contributing sufficient.'

Completely agree with this!

OP I think you have to disregard most of the responses on here as absolute tosh.

You have a child that has just started school. So a 4 year old potentially 5. A very young child.

What you are doing is amazing. Keep going and don’t let him bully you.

He clearly doesn’t value what you do at home which is so common unfortunately.

When I left teaching I got a job cleaning holiday cottages. It was great as it was only between 10am and 3pm, so fitted round the kids, and I loved it. It also was zero hours so I could fit it round tutoring jobs I picked up. It gave me the head space I needed to find a full time job, without having to take the first job I found.

Very rare to see see OP actually taking advice on board. If you are serious, Good luck OP

I feel so sorry for your husband here.

Exactly what @Crikeyalmighty says - we don’t know what their financial situation actually is,

And it makes no sense in the long term to chuck in your career training and experience to stack shelves at ALDI / take in ironing / become a Deliveroo driver any time your DP feels stressed - particularly if he is of a stressy temperament. If OP’s DH wants her to take the heat off him so he can get a less stressful job eventually, he’ll be better served by her having a career job with sick leave, pension benefits, etc rather than a collection of unskilled minimum wage zero hours gigs she’s taken in a panic.

My DH gets extremely anxious about finances all the time - when we are financially stable. Because he’s an anxious person. If I ran with this and took on second and third jobs and night shifts and whatnot to make him feel better (a) he still wouldn’t feel better (b) he’d also be stressed about all the household stuff that didn’t get gone while I was off stacking shelves for minimum wage (c) I wouldn’t have capacity to develop a more sustainable career.