Husband pressuring me while I'm jobsearching

[Ifancyabiscuit]

Urgh, please let me know if I'm being unreasonable, ladies. I'm just so frustrated and tired.
The last year and a half I've been self employed as an illustrator, designer and artworker. This year has been spent dividing up my time between raising our daughter, building up my business and working contracts, networking like mad and working weekends at a lovely local business. I also work on smaller freelance projects that have helped support us. DD started school in September and due to some dry periods, I told DH that once she's in school I'll start drumming up more work and apply for more agencies.

DH has been the breadwinner during this time and I am more than aware of the pressure he's been under. He came to me in October and told me how stressed he was, so I basically ramped up my search. I take extra shifts wherever I possibly can, I'm applying for work every day (sometimes up to 10 a day) and I've been making my network aware that I'm looking for work. We live in a not so kind area for the creative industries so I've been applying for places I'd need to commute to, hybrid work, outside of immediate creative industry work but still relevant to my skills, etc.

I'm finally getting some call backs but not all are completely suitable (1 day a week jobs like tutoring, fine if I can stack them but not ideal etc). But it doesn't feel good enough for DH. He's stressed about money and said he wants to take DD on holidays, feel more relief. His job has been stressing him out a lot. I get the vibe from him that I'm not delivering quick enough.

He's told me that I need to earn more money, and he's walking on eggshells because when he brings it up, I get upset. I asked him "what more can I possibly do? When I'm not jobsearching or actively parenting or working on my portfolio or applying for funding or updating my busineses social media, I'm cleaning the house. I pay for our daughter's extracurriculars, I try my best, every spare pound I earn is put directly into savings. I don't know what else I can do,"

He's not been well the last couple of days so he's been in bed with a fever. In the meantime I took over everything in the house while taking care of him. Yesterday I was so tired, I actually felt faint while at the supermarket. Now he's feeling better, he brought up money and I ended up shouting at him and crying my eyes out because bloody hell.

I hate this because i want him to be proud of me and tell me that he is. Despite everything, I'm proud of myself and my achievements. It's not perfect but I have faith in this. I worry about money a lot, but I'm taking steps to change that. He is on the spectrum and finds it hard to express himself and getting feelings out of him is like winkling them out. I adore him, I really do. I think he's just in a panic and feeling stressed to the hilt but I still feel so hurt regardless. I also feel so guilty, like I'm putting him through this.

Am I unreasonable?

@Redwinedaze i agree with that- if OP is for example bringing home £1500 a month regularly then getting a full time minimum wage job doesn't make much sense if you factor in maybe after school etc - be better just to pick up odd shifts/odd days in week - situation is different if OP can get say a 2.2 to 3k a month job or indeed if she's earning under £1300 a month. Maybe her OP has unrealistic expectations and he himself needs to get a better paid job or get need to look at their outgoings and why it's so tight??

Don't be sorry and I'm sorry you're getting such a rough time from some of these posts.
The market is hard at the moment for a lot of industries. My partner is desperate to move jobs but it's bare in his field right now.

Hopefully you can get something at least over the next few months with seasonal work to help the burden on your DP

Hope things work out OP

I did the artsy self employed thing for a while, when the kids were very young. It did bring in some cash, certainly enough for me and the kids but not really in terms of paying the mortage etc for which we relied on DH's salary, which tbf was decent. He was very comfortable with the situation (at the time) especially as we paid for miniml childcare.

however long term it just wasnt sustainable and I went back to my previous career which i don't love but does significantly help towards paying the bills. DH didn't pressure me but he is certainly grateful that it's not all down to him to bring home the bacon, figuratively, these days.

Unfortunately I think you need to apply for whatever you can. Also, him working during the week and you at weekends sounds miserable. Far better for you to find a 9-5ish job and you can then spend the wekends as a family. As the kids get old working office hours becomes easier and highly preferable.

I think this is part of the problem though OP, I am a graphic designer and printer and run my own business for exactly the same reason as you, our child isn't ready for school just yet, but my freelance nature allows me to take care of her outside of my partners hours and run my business at the same time.

It is hard going, and while it has massive benefits, the stress of not knowing how much income you are going to bring in every given month is what is stressful and is causing uncertainty in your partner too, he should be able to discuss that with you in a realistic way without you getting touchy about it. While you can potentially earn more, "potential" doesn't pay the bills, and while minimum wage isn't great, when it is set hours, it is a sure thing, you can allow for that money even if you are only just scraping by.

You need to get anything you can for now and continue to chase your dream to work in the industry you want.

Good luck with the job hunting. It really sounds like your doing your best. It is hard to be responsible for everything and look for work! There are some nasty comments on here.

Maybe her OP has unrealistic expectations and he himself needs to get a better paid job or get need to look at their outgoings and why it's so tight??
Only on mn would the breadwinner of the family be lambasted for not earning enough to allow their spouse to have a faffy, un-earning job, and the answer to solve the money worries and stress be that they need to earn more!!

Imagine being a single parent and actually working and being responsible for everything.....🤯

If they are putting money in savings and paying for extra curricular activity for the kid then no, they don't, they're not on their uppers.

"Get a job" is a reflex typing action on here.

A lot of this resonates with me. My life was quite similar (right down the ND husband and fever this weekend!)

I now work part-time in a ‘proper’ job and keep two days a week for the more ‘arty’ side of things. I’ve reached a point where the arty side earns as much, some months more, than the ‘proper’ office job. It’s taken the pressure off and I am still able to work, and build a career, in my preferred industry. The way I see it, I am lucky to be able to pursue what I want to do while my husband - as the main breadwinner - is not.

Good luck! I know how hard and frustrating it is x

the job market is extremely tough at the moment, so I feel your pain.

Your career/job aspirations at the moment just aren't financially viable.

Continue with them part time until you can afford to make it a career full time but right now you do need a job.

Exactly.
OP isn't " responsible for everything".
In fact, after a day of being "responsible for everything" because her DH was ill, she nearly fainted in a shop.
Edited as posted too soon

Might it help not to put your earnings into savings at present & instead of the idea of earning more to pay for holidays would long weekends on a more frequent basis help all of you?

Time with your DD is so precious.

I actually will go against the grain - I hope you’re still reading this. My husband would not want me to apply for a job in Tesco well below my skill set just so we could go on holiday. You shouldn’t have to just take any job unless you’re literally not able to pay the bills. It sounds like you’re doing that, and you’re contributing, so I think you should hold out for a job that will actually be good for you.

I also would never ever expect my husband to apply for jobs below his level if we could pay the bills and he was contributing something to the household. Holidays can come later. A backwards step in your career can be really detrimental and shouldn’t be done unless you have to.

I work in UX and it’s tough out there right now, so it’s not easy to get work. Sending my best wishes. I think your husband is being unfair.

Um, you mean like all full time working parents do?

I have published work as an illustrator - you will need a job until you have regular work/passive income from royalties etc.
It's likely you will always need a day job while you illustrate on the side.

Once you approach it from 'day job' first you will feel less stressed and probably be able to focus on producing because stressing about money all the time is a killer.

Explore other ideas like workshops/classes if you feel confident doing that, as it could be a good gig to dip into.

OP, it sounds like you are doing all you can to find work. What you need to do now, since your DH cannot stop venting his anxiety on you in this way, is just block him out.

My DH is also on the spectrum, and when he is stressed he will hold me accountable for literally anything and everything he feels anxious about, as he can’t identify or manage his feelings particularly well. It used to upset me enormously. Now I just remember that this is his stuff and I’m doing all I can and his feelings are his responsibility. It still does wear me down but it is what it is, and he can’t change.

The problem with those kind of creative jobs (I’m in one of them) is that once people know you are desperate for work people assume it’s because you’re either not that good at it or you’re not easy to work with. The busy people gets busier and the others falls away as they start taking on unrelated jobs.

It sounds like you have too much working against you. You live in the wrong place, you have taken time away from it so been out of the loop and you aren’t flexible like those without kids.

Based on that, I would do a complete re-think and find a more foolproof career. Especially since you are financially dependent on two salaries. It doesn’t need to be a minimum wage job, could be an office job or teaching for example.

I hope something comes up op, and he recognises you’re trying. I don’t see shouting at him as bad, when I was job hunting we were bleeding money and dh was always supportive.

I think you need a balance between the creative stuff but also something a bit more reliable/ regular until you’ve worked out whether your creative industry is sustainable. You sound like you’re slightly appalled but 2/3 days in Waitrose or Tescos plus creative stuff for the rest of the time actually sounds not bad to me. You can quite often pick shifts, there’s no stress if you stay at a lower level and I think the benefits are probably pretty good.

I also think a TA job would be good but for it to pay a decent wage you’d probably need to be doing 3 days a week and maybe a few clubs.

Plus there’s nothing stopping you developing your creative career alongside it, then once it’s bringing in a decent wage you could give up the other job. But sadly as you’re aware a lot of creative industries have been decimated by AI so it may be that you have to live with a “portfolio” of jobs for quite a long time (you’d be one of many).

OP sadly the pickings are thin out there at the moment for both freelance and jobs as PPs have said. Nothing to do with your talents as a graphic designer. Instead, it's something to do with a lack of business confidence to invest at the moment. And unfortunately Brexit has taken a bite out of the UK economy. All those lost exports have had a knock on effect.
In some ways it feels like the credit crunch in 2009. Don't panic, you will be able to get something but it might not be at the wage you want or quite the job you want. It may also take at least a few more weeks yet, so your DH needs to understand that.

Blimey, OP has to put her arty stuff to one side and get a proper job. Unbelievably narrow minded of ppl, graphic design is a profession, so are the other things she mentioned. If someone was trained as a nurse but was struggling to get a suitable position ppl wouldn’t be saying get any job, she already has a weekend job and should hang on to get a job she trained for. Good luck OP.

Tosh!! Block him out? OK, so dh decides he'd quite like to not work and look for a hobby job. Fantastic, so mortgage, bills etc can just be 'blocked out' not paid and it's no ones responsibility! Yay!!

Be more flexible about the types of jobs you are applying for.

I have been applying since February it’s been like this since 2022. Keep doing it. Hopefully soon you will find something