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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that DW could do ever such a little bit more around the house?

281 replies

Triathlete · 28/04/2008 22:12

I know how hard it is to look after an infant all day, and I'm really glad that I was able to take paternity leave and help in those early weeks.

And I'm happy to take over fully when I get in from work - bathe, feed and put DS (6.5 months) to bed, cook for us, wash up, make her a cup of tea and let her put her feet up.

And DW does do stuff in the house, but only what suits her and what she likes. She makes a great deal out of "tidying your wardrobe" for instance, but I've never asked her to do it.

The one thing that I would like her to do is the vacuuming. We have a dusty house - allotment, garden, walks in the country and so on. When I was living alone I did it in the morning before going to work. It's only a small house - ten minutes doing one room every day and every room gets done at least once a week, and the place is cleaner, fresher and healthier.

The other week I worked hard on a friend's car in exchange for the loan of an industrial carpet cleaner, then I spent Saturday cleaning all the carpets - they came up beautifully.

But she won't vacuum. And I refuse to do it at the weekend - I cook, iron cothes, clean windows, bake bread and fix the car, but I won't vacuum. If I start to do it again, it'll be at 7am before I go to work. She can deal with the woken up baby then.

And then today, when I had to go straight out again to the supermarket after getting back from work, I asked her whether there was anything ready to eat. "No, I couldn't think of anything". Well honestly, boiling 4 potatoes won't win any prizes, but it would have been more than acceptable to a hungry, tired husband with a busy week ahead. What makes it worse is that she was on the fricking internet when I came in.

I'm pissed off.

OP posts:

pinkmook · 29/04/2008 09:33

I come from the point of view that at the heart of it most people are not inherently lazy, selfish, unpleasant etc and that there are at usually at least 2 sides to every story.

I can understand why many posters are up in arms saying they can manage to do this stuff and thats great fro them but I really believe there is more to this than her being lazy.

We are all better at some things than others and even if you think you have/had a difficult baby you just cannot judge what is going on for an individual. I took probably 2 -2.5 years to get some semblance of normal back after my DS who was a very difficult baby (plus I had undiscovered health issues) and if you had probably looked at what I did during the first 6 months at least, you would have found me wanting! However I now look back and think WOW I really wasnt coping. I can do far more now than I could during that period of my life but I know I wasn't being deliberatley crap or slatternly and I probably would of denied I had PND - its not always black and white.

I guess my point is I dont beleive people are inherently lazy or whatever I just think there will be other factors. I can understand Triathletes POV but dont think he is right. He hasn't said anything about what she says about the situation which suggests he hasn't even properly talked to her about any of this and if that is the case she may have perfectly valid reasons and he just hasn't asked.

If he had come on here with the above story plus "and when I talked to DW about all this she said X Y Z" about it I might be more inclined to be sympathetic towards him.

lucyellensmum · 29/04/2008 09:43

if this had been the other way around,as in a woman saying this about her DH - he would have been called, twat, twunt and variations of!! Maybe our men need a bit more credit you knows

pinkmook · 29/04/2008 09:48

lucyellensmum - maybe but you could bet that if a woman had come on here stating the above she would have spoken to him first and told him she wanted more help.

And plenty of people on this thread have criticised her as far as I have read

themildmanneredjanitor · 29/04/2008 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

misdee · 29/04/2008 09:53

actually reading this thread, dh has gone to do the shopping (i am having coughing fits again keep being sick) i better get on and tidy up a bit.

serendippity · 29/04/2008 09:54

Agree lucyellensmum- This guy sounds like he does alot. 6 months old can be hard work (dd was a dream by this age but am willing to understand that not all babies are the same!) but he has said that it's not a big house, so shoving a hoover around once a say isn't that big a deal. Dd didn't like the hoover BUT she also has asthma and i knew i had to keep the house relitivly dust free, eventialy i had to put her in her boucy chair with a favourite toy and vacume anyway- she got used to it very quickly.
The only thing would be if she does have PND, which we all know can competly zap our ability to do anything. Does she seem ok Triathlete?

pinkmook · 29/04/2008 09:56

LOL TMMJ re: the "chores"

oiFoiF · 29/04/2008 09:57

I do two weekend shifts for my husband benefit so he realises what i do do. I come home and the house is always a tip and he hasnt managed to get out/chnage nappies/make lunch etc etc. He even thought it was a good idea once to take our severely disabled child out and her brother on their bikes, down a steep hill of course dd (sn) rode very fastly down the grass verge and dh ran after her and fell and rolled and rolled. He said there was a group of people standing laughi9ng at him. (dd was fine) But this is just one example of how he does not ever listen to me and what is acheivable

2sugarsagain · 29/04/2008 09:58

Blimeeeey!

Some rooms in our house go for weeks without being hoovered - I'm sometimes lazy, and some of them don't get much use.

BUT we have a digging Springer spaniel and it effs me off enormously when all that dried on mud lands on the carpet. I just have to do it.

And - I do remember both dd1 and dd2 crying their eyes out when I put the hoover on. They're now 8 and 9 and I still get complaints.

I think IMHO the OP's wife may be suffering from PND/chronic new baby fatigue.

spokette · 29/04/2008 09:59

Lucyellensmum, totally agree. There are so many posts from women dissing their husbands/partners for not pulling their weight around the house and so many jump in and call those men all the names under the sun.

Now when a man complains about his bone idle wife (and from what I have read, he has spoken to her about her laziness), he is criticised.

Men can't win.

IMHO, the OP is not BU. I had twins and still managed to vacuum the house once a week!

lucyellensmum · 29/04/2008 10:04

have to say, the man hasnt been back! hmmmm - i think he is trying to get his message across

Mercy · 29/04/2008 10:06

Get a cleaner then.

PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 29/04/2008 10:06

'thinks the persil pixy shifts his clothes from dirty basket to clean'

PMSL Peaches

was going to ask if you were married to my DH (he does plenty of toher things though- not complaining!), then thought that with your user name and living so close people might think there's a bizarre polygamy thing going on.....

Psychomum5 · 29/04/2008 10:08

I read some of this thread, scanned the rest, and I rckon that the OP is having a good feckin laugh from all this.....he hasn;t come back!!!!

he is right in a way.....he is doing to much (well, if he is real that is), as it isn;t that hard to do some housework with a tiny tot about....but then, that is me and my opninion!!!!!

....would be interested to know if this is someones DH from MN.....

pinkmook · 29/04/2008 10:08

spokette - not that I really want to labour over this point but nowhere does it say he has spoken to her. As I said if he had said "I have asked her to hoover each room one per day and she said...." it would suggest he had spoken to her in an adult fashion.

And to be fair the things he lists doing (apart from cooking) "ironing, cooking, baking bread, cleaning windows, fixing the car" are hardly regular tasks - and as someone earlier said initially he says he does the cooking but then complains she hasn't done it yesterday.

regular monotonous house work is not the same as occiaisonal doemstic chores such asthose listed above. And also, as I have already said LOTS of woman have come on here and criticised her. Its very easy to moan about housework when you aren't doing it all the time as triathletes doing. And if he still trains as a triathlete than he will be spending lots of time on himself ( I should know I'm married to one) which with a 6 month old baby, she could probably do with being spent on her

so ner

PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 29/04/2008 10:09

Oh, and agree with MMJ's last post, pinkynook's and also think that i'd love to had her side of the story coz I bet it doesn't match OP (and I know what DH can be like in making himslef seem a victim at time.... he does all the washing up, yes but who cooked? he does all the laundry- apart from washing and drying anyway! etc etc etc)

pinkmook · 29/04/2008 10:10

LOL "lots of woman " should read women

ZeMNetterWithZeBigBoobies · 29/04/2008 10:10

I will try again....Generally speaking when women post on the AIBU topic, they're expecting empthathy and kind, soothing words.

I've never met a man who would seek out this kind of comfort by posting on a forum.

So, I'm with you TMMJ and Twiglett. OP is not for real.

pinkmook · 29/04/2008 10:11

PEACHY - like that as a new name "pinkynook" sounds a bit rude

pinkmook · 29/04/2008 10:14

And PEACHY that was exactly my point - cleaning windows/ fixing car / baking bread not regular tasks nor even totally necessary - how many times have you cleaned your windows and fixed the car in the lasy 6 months

johnso · 29/04/2008 10:14

I think she should concentrate on bonding with the baby and leave the minutiate to her husband

pinkmook · 29/04/2008 10:15

here here johnso

Mercy · 29/04/2008 10:18

The OP writes like a woman too.

solo · 29/04/2008 10:22

Maybe she has PND? that would cause this problem and in which case she'll need help. Being with a young baby isn't all sweetness and light. Mine screamed 24/7 for the first nearly 7 months, I was tearing my bloody hair out, couldn't even think about housework and still can't! 9 months on...
If she does have PND, maybe she's trying(badly)to hide the fact...detective work and observation on your part me thinks.

solo · 29/04/2008 10:24

'he' could be at work...?

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