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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DW could do ever such a little bit more around the house?

281 replies

Triathlete · 28/04/2008 22:12

I know how hard it is to look after an infant all day, and I'm really glad that I was able to take paternity leave and help in those early weeks.

And I'm happy to take over fully when I get in from work - bathe, feed and put DS (6.5 months) to bed, cook for us, wash up, make her a cup of tea and let her put her feet up.

And DW does do stuff in the house, but only what suits her and what she likes. She makes a great deal out of "tidying your wardrobe" for instance, but I've never asked her to do it.

The one thing that I would like her to do is the vacuuming. We have a dusty house - allotment, garden, walks in the country and so on. When I was living alone I did it in the morning before going to work. It's only a small house - ten minutes doing one room every day and every room gets done at least once a week, and the place is cleaner, fresher and healthier.

The other week I worked hard on a friend's car in exchange for the loan of an industrial carpet cleaner, then I spent Saturday cleaning all the carpets - they came up beautifully.

But she won't vacuum. And I refuse to do it at the weekend - I cook, iron cothes, clean windows, bake bread and fix the car, but I won't vacuum. If I start to do it again, it'll be at 7am before I go to work. She can deal with the woken up baby then.

And then today, when I had to go straight out again to the supermarket after getting back from work, I asked her whether there was anything ready to eat. "No, I couldn't think of anything". Well honestly, boiling 4 potatoes won't win any prizes, but it would have been more than acceptable to a hungry, tired husband with a busy week ahead. What makes it worse is that she was on the fricking internet when I came in.

I'm pissed off.

OP posts:
Yabbadabbadooo · 30/04/2008 19:54

Can't type now. It seems I have rather a lot of hoovering to do...

pinkmook · 30/04/2008 19:58

yabbadabbadoo are you mrs triathlete!!!

Judy1234 · 30/04/2008 20:14

She's obviously more suited to working full time. These problems only arise when people are housewives. The answer is get her back to full time work and pay someone to do dull domestic chores.

AtheneNoctua · 30/04/2008 20:20

I just think there must be more to this story. For example my DH could moan that I don't iron. It's true: I don't iron. I buy work clothes that don't require ironing (i.e. knit top under suit jacket instead of silk blouse kind of thing). He buys all cotton white shirts and is really finicky about the the quality of the ironing. When we were first married I asked him to iron my trousers before we went out. He said no. So, I've now said "no" in response for 7 years. Boy did he cut his nose of to spite his face when he wouldn't iron my trousers.

Also, on the few occassions I did iron his shirts he said I did a shit job and ironed them again himself. Uh huh, right mate, don't ask again.

My point is I just wonder if there is a tad more to her refusal to hoover. Maybe she is tired of being told what and how to clean? I must say vacuuming every day would certainly not be on my list of priorities.

But something else jumps out at me in the OP: "If I start to do it again, it'll be at 7am before I go to work. She can deal with the woken up baby then." 1- What time do you normally leave for work? 2- Why does it have to be done in the morning and not on the weekend?

Judy1234 · 30/04/2008 20:22

We did find with a lot of messy children vacuuming in the main living areas every day did help (as did banning any food being taken out of the kitchen too).

rookiemater · 30/04/2008 20:29

Am I being somewhat naughty in thinking slightly maliciously that when weaning proper starts the state of the carpets is going to get much, much, worse......

Yabbadabbadooo · 30/04/2008 20:32

No. But DP could easily have written this!

oldcrock · 30/04/2008 20:35

Lol Xenia!!! Full time work is the answer to every problem!

foxythesnowfox · 30/04/2008 20:36

How I hate the term 'housewife'.

marina · 30/04/2008 20:38

I wonder if triathlete is off training at weekends, or competing - a time-consuming pastime - or is he frantically ironing and proving the dough in between tilling his allotment and fixing the motor.
Triathlete, I think you need to discuss this with your dw. From what you have posted here you more than pull your weight round the house. But are you agreeing on who does what or are you allocating chores to your dw that neither of you fancy much? Do you think she might like to cook or bake some bread, while you juggle housework with the demands of a non-mobile baby?

Don't let something comparatively trivial spoil your new family set-up. I think capp had a very good point - you sound industrious and sorted to the point of wearing everyone else out. Being at home with a baby generally does not lend itself to a March on Moscow life philosophy.

And I bet the other day was an exception, not a rule. We've all had days (dh as well as me) when we've arrived home to be nearly disembowelled for asking about dinner.

AtheneNoctua · 30/04/2008 20:39

BTW, DH vacuums on the weekends. Was it with people who think they don't have to do domestic chores on the weekends????? I know some SAHM who don't do chores on the weekend. Totally foreign idea to me. I cram all the chores into the weekend so I can cram all my work into the week. I thought that was normal.

bohemianbint · 30/04/2008 20:47

My DP would be a much better "housewife" than me. Not do-able though unfortunately!

Am a total slattern, I prioritise going to the park and blowing bubbles (or MNing!) above dusting, I just totally missed out on that houseproud gene. Ah well.

beaniesteve · 30/04/2008 20:47

Oh the Irony

Elasticwoman · 30/04/2008 20:52

Triathlete - have only read OP but you are right. She should vacuum and what's more, she should make putting hot food on the table when you come in from work a priority.

I have recently gone back to work and dh is home. He is rubbish at vacuuming but he does put food on the table at the right time. I forgive him the hoovering because he does other things and is also earning some money. And never complains about the dust.

Your dw should read Dr Laura!!

tinierclanger · 30/04/2008 20:57

"she should make putting hot food on the table when you come in from work a priority."

seems a bit extreme, unless he's actually a miner or something!

Elasticwoman · 30/04/2008 21:00

Extreme? Having dinner at dinner time? To me, that's normal.

Elasticwoman · 30/04/2008 21:00

Extreme? Having dinner at dinner time? To me, that's normal.

Wisteria · 30/04/2008 21:01

and that is what makes you a good mum bohemianbint....there are years to be houseproud when the dcs have grown up.

You don't (in my experience and I have plenty of it ) suffer from a house that is not pristine - I seem to have missed that gene too

Wisteria · 30/04/2008 21:02

(not that I am promising to suddenly start worrying about dirt and dust when mine have gone, you understand!)

PinkTulips · 30/04/2008 21:18

dd had reflux for most of her first year, rarely napped, didn't sleep at night, bf every hour for 20 mins or more, was teething for 9 months out of her first year and was scared of the hoover.

at times when dp was going out to work though i still did my fair share around the house and didn't leave meal planning and cooking up to him. equally, when i worked from when she was 8 months to 10 months and he was home with her he dealt with as much as possible during the day (he had to be told what needed doing bless him but he did it)

we've always alternated at night, one does the baby/babies while the other does the cleaning downstairs.

i now have a 3 year old and a 21 months old, both hyper, messy and clingy and the house still gets cleaned, i have to bake bread because of intolerances and i try to have dinner at least organised if not made when he gets home.

dp has never felt i've gotton the easy option by staying home because even before he experianced it he knew that i worked my ass off as hard as him. not all jobs are office jobs btw, for all you know the op is a builder or farmer and works quite hard physically during the day

a crawling child needs clean floors imo, i rarely hoovered either til we had dd and she was down on the floor having tummy time or playing in her gym and i started to notice the muck

pedilia · 30/04/2008 21:25

I havn't read all the posts but will add my tuppence worth.
I have 3 DC's 7,3 and 16 months and am 31 weeks pg with DD4, I also have 3 horses,1 dog and 2 cats (one of whom has just had kittens)

I hoover every day otherwise my carpets would be ruined, my house is clean and tidy and I do this before the kids are up, while they are eating breakfast etc
Little bits here and there throughout the day, so no YANBU.

Janos · 30/04/2008 21:38

Blimey, housework IS boring and tedious. Of course it has to be done otherwise it gets unhygienic but come on it's not a bloody competitive sport.

I get the feeling some people think there should be 'good housewife'(or househusband, lets not be sexist) medals out there and feel peeved that others aren't martyring themselves to have the perfect house.

Honestly.

And OP, talk to your wife about it. BTW why would you need an industrial cleaner for the carpet?

Honestly, who CARES.

Judy1234 · 30/04/2008 21:47

It's just a matter of couples being compatible. If they both like the place clean and tidy great. If they both couldn't care less, great but when one differs from the other that's when there are problems. It would always matter to me if there was mess. I can't really bear to be in rooms with a lot of mess, like sometimes teenagers rooms have been which they are responsible for. I can't relax if I'm in a mess. It's a kind of feng shui issue maybe - like clean surfaces.

Janos · 30/04/2008 21:57

Oh quite I don't like filth but clutter and a little bit of mess doesn't really bother me. I agree it's about managing expectation and personal preference.

I live on my own however so don't have to factor anyone else in at the moment.

Solution, if both partners like a clean and tidy house but hate housework..get a cleaner!

tinierclanger · 30/04/2008 22:10

Elasticwoman, my DP works from home but I don't expect him to have a 'hot meal on the table' when I get in. I thought it was only children who had to be fed as soon as they entered the house. Don't adults normally eat a little later than that?

I totally agree that the vacuuming thing is probably a priorities thing. For some reason men seem to value vacuuming highly, above many other tasks.