Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

[NewmanintownRob]

I have someone I am seeing and she has a picture of her and her deceased husband as her main profile picture on Facebook. I keep in touch with a lot of family and friends through Facebook, but I’m not obsessed by it. However, she has been a widow for four years and I am fully supportive of her sons and family and her deceased husband’s family. However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier - her family and friends know about me and her, most of my family and friends know about me and her. I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level and I’m starting to get worried that she isn’t wanting that. I am giving a time but it does make me a little uncomfortable. AIBU ?

In your own words, you have been seeing her "a few months" and see each other a few times a week.
Yet you are coming across as desperate to get married, if not to her then to someone else, and you don't want to waste any time.

Are you desperate for a wife? Why are you not happy living as a single man?

Nothing is more unattractive to most women than a man who is needy and cannot stand on his own two feet and live his own life independently.

This is getting silly.
You've spent hours saying you want to know her feelings for you.
Then suddenly you've said you don't want to know (now.)

Which is it?

Grown ups don't define their relationships by photos on Facebook.
If you want to contact your friends in the US through Facebook that's your choice.

She doesn't use Facebook (much) so that really is the end of the matter.
You don't need evidence of her (form a photo) to inform your many friends that you're dating.

And the fact that she's not announcing your dates on Facebook doesn't mean she is dating other men (and keeping you all a secret from each other.)

Honestly, you do sound very confused.

Are you in the US or from the US?

........................wondering if I am wasting my time on a widow that could simply live her life out and since she has no mention of me or picture of me or anything else

Yes, it's always a waste of time to date a widow FFS

One little thing, I’m out - and she’s dating someone else the next day

Why shouldn't she date someone else?

I am not insecure

Erm.............🤣🤣🤣

I think some of the posts on this thread are hateful and mean

Well that's a shame

I think this is quite intense for only having dated for a couple of months to be very honest.

I think if you really like her and care about her you need to step back a little and just accept this for what it is - focus on enjoying the time you have with her rather than rushing ahead in your own mind. If you're enjoying her company and things are going well between you then you aren't wasting your time.

4 years isn't that long really to be over a dead spouse - I've had breakups that took me longer to get over! What might have been right for your family isn't necessarily what's felt right for her and there's a big difference between wanting to move on and being ready to move on. She might need to go at a slower pace than you but that doesn't mean she's not invested. She also has her children to think about and how they might feel about her moving on. I think if you can't accept that their feelings will be the priority here over yours then you're probably not the right person for her.

The things you've mentioned wanting from her - to change her profile/ add you/ visit your workplace are also quite trivial things... many relationships last years without people doing any of those so I find them a bit random and it's making me wonder if your expectations of her in general are a bit too high or if you're fixated on the fact she's a widow and looking for signs that she might get cold feet where you wouldn't normally.

I think you either accept her for who she is and where she is at (essential in ANY healthy relationship) or you walk away and date other people. Your posts are coming across a little manipulative/ controlling/ needy and I think you need to reflect on that.

@NewmanintownRob you keep saying you're not bothered about FB and then you write:

.........she has no mention of me or picture of me or anything else

I can't believe you're late 50s.

This is the sort of angst reserved for lads of 16 who are starting to date.

The way they ask' Does she like me, will it last, am I wasting my time'.

Are you scared of being hurt?
That's part and parcel of dating and new relationships. Everyone takes a chance.
If you don't like that or can't cope with it, don't date.

Sorry.

The more I read of the OP the more scared I am for this woman.

OP you don't sound stable enough in yourself to be dating anyone, you are talking like an obsessed 14-16 year old who hasn't learned emotional regulation and boundaries yet not a divorced 50+ adult.

What your saying is insecure, jealous, controlling and creepy... almost stalker-is and that doesn't change if you are or aren't dating, you genuinely coming across scary.

I‘m dating a widower, he doesn’t have his late wife on his profile pic but his fb information mentions being widower to her.
we aren’t friends on fb and I couldn’t care less. I don’t want to flaunt my relationship publicly or with Facebook friends and acquaintances, why would I need to?
his close friends and family know and have met me and vice versa for mine.

Maybe she doesn't use Fb much

My friend goes on it. Rarely posts stuff

Might do odd reply on my posts

Her children know about you

You have stayed in their old marital home with kids /adults there

I’m not a widow, but a very dear friend of mine is. Her profile picture on her SM is her late husband. She has been in a loving, exclusive relationship with a lovely gentleman for about three years now. She just started posting about him in the last few months. She still posts things about her late husband being the love of her life and her new gentlemen makes supportive comments on her posts. Her late husband was a widower and his wedding picture with his late wife still holds a place of honor in her home, next to her wedding picture with him.

I believe that when you have a relationship with a widow/widower, you have to be willing to share them with the memories of their late spouse. You can’t try to erase that person’s existence.

OP, you having relatives all over the US and using Facebook to keep in touch with them shouldn’t mean anything to this lady. It is completely irrelevant to what she posts on Facebook. Are your friends and family complaining that she uses a picture with her late husband as her profile? I can’t see how that would be the least bit relevant to them or you. If this is the issue and you actually care about this lady and want a future with her, then you need to tell them to mind their own business. You need to be prepared to support her feelings over their opinions.

You are getting some unnecessary criticism here because you’re a man, so I’ll tell you the same as I’d tell another woman.

In your first post you said: “I just wanna make sure she wants a relationship and not just someone to date”.

She almost certainly isn’t looking for a committed relationship. She wants companionship and someone to have fun with. Four years and eleven men since her late husband died and she still chooses him for her profile picture.

You are wasting your time pursuing a relationship with her if you want more than casual dating. She may develop stronger feelings in time, but it will probably take longer than you’re willing to give it. I get the sense you are ready now to take the next step and she could easily take another year or four to get to that stage.

Four years is still a very fresh loss for such a close relationship as a DH, especially if she was married for a long time. It sounds like she's trying to move on with dating and so on, but that probably brings up very complex feelings for her.

I really don't like the comment you made that you might be wasting your time dating a widow. If you are dating a widow, you have to accept this is part of them and her DH will always be part of her. He's always going to be with her, in a sense. People do go on to new relationships as widows, but you can't expect them to forget their past. Dating in your later 50s, people are going to have pasts and baggage. Either you have to accept the whole person or not date them.

@StormingNorman No not because he is a man, because he isn't listening and tbh bring pretty weird about the whole situation has a "poor me" attitude and if ppl don't agree they are being "mean & hurtful"

OP, you having relatives all over the US and using Facebook to keep in touch with them shouldn’t mean anything to this lady. It is completely irrelevant to what she posts on Facebook

Exactly! The OP communicates with his extended family via FB - ergo, his girlfriend should do the same - or at least post pictures for the OP's family to look at.

I mean WTF?

Yes. This is a man who is refusing to take anyone's advice on board. Most posters are saying the same thing to him.

There is no anti-male bias here.

Its fuck all to do with a man its massively inappropriate either way.

If a 19 year old boy came on here and said his girlfriend of a couple of months is pressuring him to remove a photo memorial of his ex from Facebook who died in a car crash at 16 because it 'embarrass' her in front of her friends and family. Also moaning to people that she thinks his facebook is set to private and accusing him of hiding things (just because theres not enough posts) everyone would tell him she is a walking red flag and to run for the hills.

If she was your DD facing a boyfriend like OP you certainly wouldn't encourage her to be with someone this wildly insecure, jealous, obsessive and controlling and its straight out of the gate.

They have been dating for just a few months and hes spiraling in emotional dis-regulation and trying to dictate her life and grief timescale from losses from before she met him fgs.

I really just don't understand why you are so obsessed with facebook as a man in your 50s. And surely, if it's going well, you can ask her about it anyway? I can also assure you that if I was dating a man from another country and he wanted to police my facebook so that his family and friends in the other country coulld stalk my facebook, I'd tell him to jog on. I'd also be completely uninterested in developing facebook-relationships with your extended family and friends. If I post a picture o fmy DH and tag him, I get loads of likes and comments from people who are on HIS facebook. That's fine. I certainly won't be accepting a bunch of friend requests from those people just because they are facebook friends with him. Nor will I be interacting with them, exchanging banter etc.

EvilsElsasPetSnowman · Yesterday 13:04

You can’t ask her to change her profile picture because that controlling
She probably doesn’t have pictures of you around her house out of respect for her kids.

Can I suggest if you are gonna be in a relationship with a widow, that it’s better to not try and erase her dead husband but accept and embrace it

As often happens on here, the first post nails it. You can't just erase the man out of her life @NewmanintownRob If I started dating someone 4 years after my DH died, and he told me to erase all traces of my deceased husband, he would given a very short shrift. I'd tell him to do one. Anything between us would be finished right there.

This woman you're dating must have been married quite a long time (25 years +) if she has adult children in their 20s.

Sounds like you need to not date widows mate.

You really need to pull yourself together before someone gets hurt.

She has already been through one of the worst things that can happen to someone, and you're already here talking about ultimatums and not wanting to "waste your time." You know the situation. It's not going to change. She's not going to suddenly wake up one day and have forgotten her husband, or say, "You know what, I'm so glad I was widowed because now I've found you. Let's throw away everything that reminds me of him."

If she's "the one" then it's time to put her first and let her dictate the pace, and stop trying to control things.

If you can't handle it, then she might be the one for you, but you aren't the one for her.

She's keeping you at arms length because she knows that she can't trust you because you've still not got your head around the situation she's in.

I feel/fear the op is someone we will all read about in the papers with this sort of behaviour

Thanks all for the advice - lots of mean comments, yet I am learning how to date a widow who has never left town - while I have friends and family all over the US. Many on this post remind me of why I gave up dating for a while - very toxic people. I am glad I spoke to her and came to a happy medium - and not come across as a stalker or all the other accusations people in this thread have tried to paint me as. Thanks for all the comments - mean ones too.

@NewmanintownRob "woe is me" still not taking advice.
(Thanks autocorrect!)

I am learning how to date a widow who has never left town - while I have friends and family all over the US.

You really, actually, don't like this woman, do you? All your posts are about what you want, and how much her behaviour and communication is annoying you.

If only she were on MN we could all point her to the huge bunting of red flags in your posts.

If any of this is genuine, of course

I just saw it as two people on different relationship trajectories.

Do you have any friends in real life?

I'm sorry, but you come across as someone who reads far too much into casual encounters and doesn't actually know this woman personally. You call her a widow so often.

Your obsession with permanence and fear of wasting time is a problem that isn't hers to fix.

Fixating and obsessing are problems you should address.

She is not serious about you.

Move on.