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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

389 replies

NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 13:03

I have someone I am seeing and she has a picture of her and her deceased husband as her main profile picture on Facebook. I keep in touch with a lot of family and friends through Facebook, but I’m not obsessed by it. However, she has been a widow for four years and I am fully supportive of her sons and family and her deceased husband’s family. However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier - her family and friends know about me and her, most of my family and friends know about me and her. I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level and I’m starting to get worried that she isn’t wanting that. I am giving a time but it does make me a little uncomfortable. AIBU ?

OP posts:
Letmegohome · 26/11/2024 23:39

@NewmanintownRob you coming back?!

TheMamaLife · 27/11/2024 05:27

Hankunamatata · 25/11/2024 13:12

Why is it challenging because she has a photo or her and her husband on fb. Surely if anyone in your family says anything you just say she's a widow.

You might want to sit down and have a think if you can cope with dating a widow of you feel threatened by fb. Its not like her husbands memories will just evaporate. She will have pictures of him and of their happy times together

exactly. That’s her deceased husband, not an ex. How can you ask that? You clearly don’t have the maturity to be with a widow OP.

what do you want her to do? Pretend the husband and life never existed??

and you do seem a little Facebook obsessed.

Mumof3confused · 27/11/2024 07:44

NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 18:06

She uses Facebook - but she either has it hidden so I can’t see it or she uses it simply for direct family. There are no posts. I can see for over two years yet. She had an issue with Facebook the other day and her son reloaded it for her. So for all I know I could be played as just another man in her bed and there may be others. She does a lot of things with her girlfriends, and I would have no idea if those are truly women or men. I don’t even wanna come to this - I just wanna know if it’s worth my effort and time to try to date a widow that may have a different timeline than me - or simply move on.

This makes no sense. She’s not wanting to accept your friend request on Facebook by the sounds of things and she’s absolutely doing the right thing judging by your posts which contain so many red flags.

Twice you’ve said ‘she has dated 10 men’
’I can’t see her personal FB posts’
’For all I know she could have other men’
’She says she sees her girlfriends but this makes me jealous and suspicious of other men’

This is a woman who has a close knit community around her in the area where you openly date and you have met her children. Yet you doubt her intentions and commitment to you because of a profile picture on FB?

I hope she opens her eyes soon to the mistake she is about to make if she doesn’t get out of this relationship asap.

Letmegohome · 27/11/2024 10:08

@NewmanintownRob must be too busy updating his Facebook to come back !

Ukrainebaby23 · 27/11/2024 16:37

Don't ask her don't mention it, don't connect with her on FB if it's an issue for you.

I hope you never get to find out why its a problem but I strongly suggest you tred really carefully with the 'it's been xx years '

SabreIsMyFave · 27/11/2024 17:49

Letmegohome · 26/11/2024 23:39

@NewmanintownRob you coming back?!

I don't think so...

Letmegohome · 27/11/2024 18:00

@SabreIsMyFave probably stood in "the widow's" garden watching her....... Creepily judging her every move

MildredSauce · 27/11/2024 18:37

Letmegohome · 27/11/2024 18:00

@SabreIsMyFave probably stood in "the widow's" garden watching her....... Creepily judging her every move

I honestly thought he would. I had him pinned as a Last Word type of bloke and very much on the defensive

Lickityspit · 28/11/2024 21:08

NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 17:07

I have talked to her about it and again I don’t wanna press it - I don’t wanna date anybody else because I feel she is the one. Too many signs are pointing to her, only wanting a companion and someone to do things with - versus a relationship that will last. I am not a player and never will be - in this case I probably easily could be because someone could look at her and not see any sign of me whether by Facebook or looking at her phone photo or anywhere else. And how long should I wait before I decide that I need to focus on somebody else when I’d rather focus on her ?

You seem very obsessed with how your relationship looks to other people and not just the 2 of you. My Facebook photo is just me and my phone screensaver is my son but it doesn’t mean I don’t adore my other half and not committed to him

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 28/11/2024 21:31

Who an earth are you to dictate somebody's grief?

It's a journey, one of the most horrid and gut wrenching. It's not to be rushed, it's not linear, it's up, down, hills, mountains, kerbs.

And yes. Maybe respectfully because of sons, and perhaps feels guilty for moving on.

By the way, divorce and death, they're very very different, and shouldn't be treated the same, at all.

She isn't your friend on Facebook? Boohoo. She hasn't added you. She doesn't actually need to change her photo or think about what she's writing in order not to irk you, so actually, it's nothing to do with you?

Please do some research about grieving.

*Yes there might be an element of she might not be fully ready - but if and when she is, sadly, not with you.

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 28/11/2024 21:32

Mumof3confused · 27/11/2024 07:44

This makes no sense. She’s not wanting to accept your friend request on Facebook by the sounds of things and she’s absolutely doing the right thing judging by your posts which contain so many red flags.

Twice you’ve said ‘she has dated 10 men’
’I can’t see her personal FB posts’
’For all I know she could have other men’
’She says she sees her girlfriends but this makes me jealous and suspicious of other men’

This is a woman who has a close knit community around her in the area where you openly date and you have met her children. Yet you doubt her intentions and commitment to you because of a profile picture on FB?

I hope she opens her eyes soon to the mistake she is about to make if she doesn’t get out of this relationship asap.

Edited

Jeez.

All the red flags.

Jollyhockeystickss · 29/11/2024 10:20

So if facebook didnt exist how would you stalk her then?? And you would rather marry anyone than be with this lovely woman because you feel insecure because she still loves her husband, but if you marry someone then you have them and they cant get away, and aa for companianship 99% of women your age just want a companian not a husband and certainly not a husband.......

Candystore22 · 29/11/2024 11:54

She shared a lifetime and a family with her deceased husband. He’s an important part of her life. If they had a happy marriage she will never stop loving him.
She shares x amount of dates /kisses /shags /maybe a holiday?? with you.
You cannot ask her to delete her past. That’s controlling behaviour.
Why would your family /friends be bothered by the fact she has a deceased husband? It’s a fact. If someone is bothered by that, why do you care? You know what she feels for you. It’s not a competition between the dead husband and you. She can love both. Asking her to hide her past is controlling. I hope she would she it as a red flag for your relationship if you ask this.

TheShellBeach · 29/11/2024 14:55

Thanks all for the advice - lots of mean comments, yet I am learning how to date a widow who has never left town
Lucky her, eh?

.......while I have friends and family all over the US
Bully for you.

Many on this post remind me of why I gave up dating for a while - very toxic people
You're the one who is toxic, dude.

TheOnionEyes · 30/11/2024 10:09

As you have only been dating a few months, I don't think it's long enough for her to be viewing this long-term, even if you are. I do think losing her husband might play a part in that, too, regardless of how long ago.

It's still the honeymoon stage. It's most certainly not long enough, or at the stage to be talking about her Facebook profile picture. When the honeymoon period is over, and the lust dies down, if you both still feel the chemistry, and still enjoy each others company as much as you do now, then you know it's more of a long-haul relationship. However, this is usually a gradual progression where you really get to know someone given 'good time' to see where it leads. You already said she has told you she wants to continue. Isn't that enough at this stage?

Unfortunately, because you are both older, time is against you. However, if this really is a concern for you because of time, I think an important discussion to have with her right now is the one about your comment stating, "there are plenty of other women out there that are interested in a long term relationship and possibly marriage". This comment says a lot, and if you present this to her, you will truly know how she feels and where she stands right now on this matter. She will either stay, or run, but you will know either way.

She does need to know how you feel, as much as you need to know how she feels. You might even be wasting her time. You both may have loads of similarities but want different things, also. She may not want to get married again, or may not be looking as long-term as you. It would only be you wasting your time if you don't ask about these things that are so important to you. Just not the Facebook profile picture.

You have to make decisions and be responsible for your life. Any delay from moving on is ultimately down to you.

I must say that there are some things you have stated that are quite confusing and contradictory, I feel.

You are using statements such as: "I am ok with things how they are. What we have is more than just a few casual dates. It's too soon to ask her for something too serious. I just want to take it to the next level. We both know what we want, I don't wanna date anyone else because I feel she is the one."

However, I think that this may be because you could be so back and forth with your feelings on the whole thing. For a period of time, you're ok and happy with it and where it's going, and then you may be experiencing feelings of doubt and insecurity. I think that's normal, but you might be confusing her too.

Anyway, I wish you all the best with it 😊

NewmanintownRob · 01/12/2024 17:21

Thanks for all the advice - we have it figured out and I am learning some of the things she is going through. Our situation is very complex - but we do love each other and I get along with her family and friends well, and vice versa. Even her son said I make her happy - I am not a creeper or a controller, I am just learning how to date and especially how to date a widow. I got out of a long-term relationship months ago, never felt even close to how I feel with this woman. And to be honest, I have never felt this way about any woman in my life, and I have been married before . And she tells me the same - in front of her family someone even hinted that maybe we should get married - which blew my mind. Some of these comments here are just rude - how can someone know some of these things if I have not been a widow myself? Many thanks to the community for educating me..

OP posts:
KyleofLochAlsh · 01/12/2024 17:55

I think the problem was that you appeared to need her to change her FB photo in order to give credibility of your relationship (to your friends and family on Facebook.)

No one needs to advertise their relationship status on Facebook, or anywhere, with photos or anything else.

Our situation is very complex

From what you have posted before, it doesn't seem 'complex' just early days where you're hoping to run before you can walk.

In other words, you're trying to rush it.

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/12/2024 18:04

Why keep mentioning she is a widow?

NewmanintownRob · 01/12/2024 18:11

Not trying to rush - it is just that we are not getting younger and I don’t want to move too slow and I am still figuring things out - and learning what it means to be a widow. And my situation - my Financial situation will get much better next year as child support ends and other things are paid off and other items go in my favor while she is looking to retire in a little over a year at a much much lower monthly income after expenses than what I make. In someways, we have an ideal situation if we did get married in two years, but it can wait for now as I personally don’t care if we ever get married. I would have an opportunity soon to move closer to her, and then we both have to look at different retirement challenges because I will work for at least five more years. Discussions for later not now - no need for me to rush that fast. thanks again for all the input - life gets very complex sometimes. Dating isn’t easy let alone dating a widow - with 2 people nearing retirement age.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/12/2024 18:30

She's still a bloody woman. Stop banging on about her being a widow like it's alien. It makes you sounds like a reet GF.

Discsareshit · 01/12/2024 18:46

Allthesharksgoout · 25/11/2024 13:52

I'm married to a widower and disagree with most of these responses. Of course you shouldn't demand she takes the picture down but it's definitely worth a conversation. I think if you want to know if she's ready for a serious relationship you need to be able to ask, and talk about how you are feeling. If she's not ready for more with you she's not ready, and that's fine and you can move on or keep things light. Of course she will always love her husband, but your feelings count too.

I'm totally baffled by the responses on here. People challenging why they would be FB friends. It's normal to be FB friends with the person you're dating/ your boyfriend/girlfriend if both of you are on FB!
I can also see why OP is uncomfortable with his family seeing photos of his girlfriend with another man. They may not all know she's a widow. He's not thinking of all the photos she has, but her profile photo.

MildredSauce · 01/12/2024 18:47

NewmanintownRob · 01/12/2024 18:11

Not trying to rush - it is just that we are not getting younger and I don’t want to move too slow and I am still figuring things out - and learning what it means to be a widow. And my situation - my Financial situation will get much better next year as child support ends and other things are paid off and other items go in my favor while she is looking to retire in a little over a year at a much much lower monthly income after expenses than what I make. In someways, we have an ideal situation if we did get married in two years, but it can wait for now as I personally don’t care if we ever get married. I would have an opportunity soon to move closer to her, and then we both have to look at different retirement challenges because I will work for at least five more years. Discussions for later not now - no need for me to rush that fast. thanks again for all the input - life gets very complex sometimes. Dating isn’t easy let alone dating a widow - with 2 people nearing retirement age.

ffs read your last two updates - are you on a target for how many times you can say the word "widow"?????????????🤣

Discsareshit · 01/12/2024 18:47

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/12/2024 18:04

Why keep mentioning she is a widow?

Very relevant isn't it. If she wasn't a widow and had her profile photo of her with someone else, it'd be LTB straight away.

MildredSauce · 01/12/2024 18:47

gamerchick · 01/12/2024 18:30

She's still a bloody woman. Stop banging on about her being a widow like it's alien. It makes you sounds like a reet GF.

is she a widow? I had not realised....

TheShellBeach · 01/12/2024 18:52

MildredSauce · 01/12/2024 18:47

is she a widow? I had not realised....

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣