To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

when they come out, do not get emotional. state the facts calmly. that you have told them you cant continue to provide the constant care they want from you and so she rang them to punish you. say you're sorry it's come to this but you simply can't carry on, their needs exceed your ability to provide the care.

Dementia can cause personality changes, my own very lovely grandparent became violent. But I truly don't know if she's unwell and this is a symptom or she's trying to bully, belittle or control you, or a mixture of both. But whatever the reason you do not deserve to be treated like this and I am so sorry you are.

I'm glad you're at home. Hopefully you don't have to wait too long and as horrible as it is right now, this brings about the end you wanted with stepping back from your grandparents care.

You really cannot be involved with them anymore. She is abusive and manipulative and it doesn't really matter if this is because it's the way she is (which from other things you've said, sounds possible) or if it's some cognitive decline that is causing it.

However you look at it, it is dangerous and mentally damaging for you and your baby. You are not responsible for them. You are responsible for you and your child and that is it. Please put all your focus into you two.

Your Grandma is using your own good nature against you. This is absolutely not acceptable. Please explain everything to the police about how you can't seem to be free of them because every time you try to go no contact she does something like this. The refusal of the help etc etc. they clearly do need a considerable amount of care and you are not the person to be doing this. You will not be able to just visit them.

You are always going to be in a vulnerable position by doing so. You have to know that her reporting you to the police is really not normal?

It can be although its unusual for "proper" dementia to leave people to able to think and plan in this way. This sounds more like the result of a stroke or a head injury. What happens is that the areas of the brain which moderate our behaviour become damaged and the ability to self moderate becomes less or non existent. Violence, innappropriate behaviour and speech, bursts of anger and this kind of behaviour is sadly common. people with thias kind of damage will do ANYTHING to get what they want and can't see any reason why they shouldn't. There is no point pleading or trying to discuss or persuade. If I am right, your garndmother does not have the cognitive ability to engage with you.

She's done you a favour reporting it because her behaviour is so fucking batshit that it will backfire and you can bow say that police and social have advise you cut contact (they will probably advise this but if they don't- lie)

Consider therapy for yourself. You probably view them as saviour for your care but as an outsider I'm wondering hiw much your mum had to put up with before she cracked.

This

I would also advise to record any further contact with he

If they qualify for Attendance Allowance (which they almost certainly will), then you could then apply for Carer's Allowance for the help you give in looking after them, this can be backdated by a few months. It requires 35 hrs a week of helping them but this can include doing paperwork on their behalf at your house etc, it does not need 35 hrs of direct lifting and wiping.

Tell the truth to the police and never ever go near them again.

You poor woman.

Jesus op I've just read everything including your latest post. 😱

Her behaviour is off the charts.

When you speak to the police be as calm as you can, and factual. I'd also ask they log you are going no contact with the grandparents but are concerned for them.

What support do you have for you? When I was pregnant with my first my HV told me having your own baby when you've had a chaotic or tough upbringing can be really tough emotionally. Seeing things with that maternal view can really shake you.

I'm wondering if it has also triggered something in your grandma. A little like how abusive men often ramp things up when their wife or partner is pregnant, you expecting and then becoming a mum has changed the dynamics with your grandparents, they are no longer the centre of your world! It sounds like their "needs" and demands and financial pressures have all upped since you become pregnant and had baby. 🤔🙄

It could be a dementia or Alzheimer's situation BUT I'd put money on it that your view of them even as a child is skewed and they've always been dysfunctional people but in your child eyes they were safer/more reliable than mum?

I think you need to coldly focus only on you and your baby. Hunker down and walk away. You are not responsible for them! Your priority now you are a mum is centred on being the best mum to your baby, and being in contact with them is detrimental to that.

Your GM may have some insight into the fact that she is in the early/ mid stages of dementia and is scared and trying to compensate, by obviously ineffective and inappropriate means. That doesn’t make it OK. Was she always difficult? The fact is she can’t manage her affairs. I’m sorry, it’s really hard, I’ve been there with my dad ( no mum). I agree with the advice no to put up with the abuse and pull back, at least temporarily and let others be the target of her anger for a while, be it police, social workers etc.

Sounds like modern slavery

Oh my love.
You have to put yourself and your child first.
Tell the police everything. They will have heard it before. I have worked in dementia services and it's not that uncommon for them to blame the very relatives who are burning themselves out trying to look after them. Usually accusing them if theft or assault.

When my mum developed dementia, she was in denial - according to her, it was my dad who had the problem. She had me fooled for a bit.

An Injunction is what you need.
Ask police when they come how you can do this - i.e. the legal enforcement required to stop GPs from contacting you ever again, or for as long as possible. This will also help explain your situation to the police when the visit you. Ask can you do an injunction against both of them there and then when they (i,e, police) visit, do you need to go to police station or must you use solicitor.

It sounds like you have found your position of a woman in her sixties, retired, with elderly parents. You are far too young to take on this hefty responsibility with a small baby and a single parent. You must get social services on your side. This will get worse. Could you get their children to take on this responsibility? Please get help.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this OP. Maybe you could show police this thread as your posts are timestamped and a record of their behaviours toward you.

@TheGander I think what you said has really hit home. I've always been made to feel like im inferior and like I can't manage on my own without them. I've been told my cooking is disgusting, I can't wash plates properly, I eat too much food so I'm fat, I don't eat enough so I'm pale, I can't work in the city center because its too far to travel, I buy too many books, I have to much money, I can't live on my own because I'll be lonely and won't be able to manage. Everything I've ever done is wrong. Even though I'm the only person in the family to ever work or finish school or not have an addiction. I know that's not a brag but I feel normal and try my best to be better considering the life I've been dealt.

I really don't know why I feel such loyalty (can't think of another word) and responsibility to them. It's like Stockholm syndrome.

I hope the 1% have sent you a list of their availability!! Tbf they might mean you are unreasonable doing as much as you already have. I hope this is soon sorted, for all of your sakes xx

I think this is unlikely to be dementia, but just a nasty narcissistic person doing what a narcissist does.

Might she also have some cognitive decline/dementia/personality disorder/other mental health issue going on? Yes. It's possible that some of the other stuff like not looking after the house and not paying bills is something like that, if she used to be able to do those things and she previously kept on top of them.

In a way, it doesn't matter which it is. What your course of action needs to be is very clear. You hold your boundaries.

I'm SO very sorry that you are dealing with this.

You sound lovely and if I were you, I would concentrate on being a mum to your little one. For your own mh you need to have a break from them. Their behaviour is not normal and before you know it, your lo will have grown up and you’ll still be fighting their battles. Good luck

I think you might benefit from talking to the people on the Stately Homes threads.

October 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes! | Mumsnet

Hope you’re ok, yes my mum has dementia and had delusions. Fortunately they weren’t against me but she turned against her neighbours at the time and became the little old lady from hell!

She’s on the right meds and living in a care/nursing home.

Posters are right in saying social services will do their best not to help. The mental
health team, memory clinic and OT did though. But that’s not for you to sort out or manage. It’s too much. Trust me! Your GD sounds like he’s covering up how bad she is and potentially in denial too.

Youve done your very best and need to look after yourself and baby. We are all here to listen and support if you need us.