To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

She has played straight into your hands. Keep calm, don’t get into any kind of arguments, and you now have a social worker who can listen to your concerns. Get him/her to interview your GP’s separately, make notes for yourself if you can whilst they talk to you. Above all just keep yourself calm. After this you can now have no more contact unless you choose to do so, it will be up to social services.

I know this must be incredibly stressful, but as the person above said, this could work in your favour. Explain to them that this ongoing pattern of making malicious accusations about you is why you do not think she's in her right mind, and this is one of the many, many reasons why you can no long have any responsibility for caring for her. And then walk away and do not go back.

This is bananas OP, your grandmother is a very twisted woman. I do hope your DGF will back you up whenever police/MH show up.

who is saying you can’t leave? Your priority is your baby, you need to be at home, leave your gran. I agree with the others you must remain calm when talking to the police and social workers.

I think she (the DGM) may find she has shot herself in the foot this time as it seems the truth is about to come out to the authorities. I don't think the police or SS are just going to believe her word over the OP. There will be evidence of the previous non-payment of bills and bailiff visit (the relative who helped financially can testify to that), OP's previous report to SS will be on record and DGM's last malicious call to police etc. Also if necessary OP just show the police officer this thread!

It's a difficult one. Sounds like you GM has MH issues, but can also convince (fool?) Ss that she is of sound mind.
I know of an elderly woman, she is vile to everyone, anyone would sadly not of sound mind, but assessments say she is fine. Just an asshole. So sorry for you and you grandfather.

I have a 3 month old, & a DP and paid help and I don’t feel I have nearly enough time just to look after us (ie only time to wash my hair every 10 days or so). I fear you’re doing this at the cost of caring yourself & your baby. Please put you and baby first

Whatever happens now OP you can no longer have contact with your GM. Either she's deeply unwell and beyond your help or so vicious that she's trying to get your baby removed so you're free to continue caring for GP. Do you have any friends that can go to the house right now to support you? Please remain calm, you have done nothing wrong but you urgently need support to get away from this woman. Where is your GD in all this, what did he do when she rang the police?

I agree.

You need to take your new born out of this unhygenic filthy house right now - also your baby is experiencing DV as they will sense the stress you are under from the GP.

Calmly stand up and take you baby home to a safe, clean, calm amd peaceful environment. Thats your priority right now.

@LookSharpFixUp Just read your update. I wonder if this might be the situation you need because the police arriving will see what you're dealing with and SS for that matter. They can't make you stay. This should be your "straw that broke the camel's back" moment. Take it. Walk away. I really hope the police can help but make it the last time you go round there. I certainly wouldn't trust them around a vulnerable baby.

Did you speak to the police or was that information relayed by your grandmother? Police alone don’t have a power to detain you for a mental health assessment on private property. They have section 135 of the mental health act which can only be used in public.
I would suggest you show them your posts in this thread, it shows the timeline of how things have gone down today. It’s really important that you stay very calm and let your grandmother’s behaviour do the talking. Stay strong and don’t give your grandmother any ammunition!

That is not remotely normal.
You need to stop and alert social services to their care needs.
You cannot possibly do all that and stay sane enough to be a good mum to your baby so you absolutely must put your baby first and focus on her.

Limit your time with GPs to one visit a week which is a social visit only, no work. Do not do any more shopping for them.

Their treatment of you has been abusive. It's unacceptable. Stop accepting it.

Agreed.

Just go home. And never go back!

'I have to deep clean their house once a week' - No, you do not have to, you are choosing to do it.
'I have to go shopping every day because they want something' - No, you do not have to, you are choosing to do it.
'I have to call up utility companies almost weekly' - No, you do not have to, you are choosing to do it.
Sorry to labour the point but you do have choices. You should be prioritising your own very young baby, not doing all the is stuff for ungrateful elderly people. The more you do the less likely it is that your GM will accept outside help. You have to stop doing and spending and say No, repeatedly.
Read the elderly parents board for more advice, the situation you describe is very common.
But please start devoting your time and energy to your baby. If you do as much as you say for the GPs you are in danger of neglecting your very young baby.

The police have agreed that I can come and wait at home for someone to come out. I have pleaded with my DGF to tell the truth when they come out to talk to them. I don't understand why she is using my baby against me. Is this really what dementia is like?

Oh OP I'm so sorry. The police have to take her words seriously, imagine if they didn't and it was a situation when they should have acted. They know nothing of you or your grandparents so have to treat it at face value. It doesn't mean they've already formed an opinion that you have done anything, just that they have to act as if you would. (I don't know if you've ever watched any emergency service program with hoax calls, even if someone rings and makes a bomb threat for example and it's blatantly obvious it's not real, they still act as if it is real until they've checked it out because the consequences would be so severe if they were wrong).

But I think as another poster has said it's the end of the line with re a relationship with your grandma right now.

That would be the final straw for me.

go home and focus on your baby. You don’t have time to sort out grandparents issues

Presuming you have your baby with I would leave and go to your local police station if their is one. This gets you out of the situation but also shows you are happy to discuss the situation.

So sorry to read your update. What a despicable old woman. I am sure you have nothing to fear from the police or SS on your own account, but that level of manipulation is beyond belief. No contact at all is the only way forward in such as situation.

I think when you've grown up with a chaotic childhood or in a very dysfunctional family, it seriously skews your idea of what is normal or acceptable. Your grandparents' behaviour is neither of these things.

For the sake of your baby, this precious time on maternity leave spent with your baby, your finances, your mental health and anything else even remotely affected by this situation I urge you to walk away, now.

You must contact Social Services again and simply advise that they are incapable of looking after themselves and they have no carer. What you must not do, is explain and justify or they will suggest ways of you coping with their care. Whether your GM is entering the early stages of dementia or if this is just her personality is irrelevant. In fact, I would put it in writing that they have no carer, they are incapable of adequately looking after themselves, but if SS say they have capacity then on their heads be it. Again, do not enter into any discussion about why you're finding it a struggle.

Given your family history, you've done well to turn out such a kind and caring person. Devote yourself and your kindness now, to your baby who is the only one who needs and deserves it.

No, this is what nasty demanding selfish arseholes are like. From what you have said this is not new behaviour. Now it may be that it has got worse because of dementia, but from what you have said, she has always been a bitch.

Fact is that she has now given you all you need to say "enough". See your DGF at your house or out and about so you can keep an eye on him, but I would never set eyes on that malicious spiteful cow ever again.

If this pattern of manipulative and coercive behaviours have been going on for years/decades it’s not dementia. I work in this field.

It sounds like your GM is a difficult and harmful person who does not have your best interests at heart.

I hope this situation is resolved soon and you can go back to parenting your beautiful baby. Good luck OP, you sound amazing.

It can be, unfortunately. There are a few different types of dementia, and some are very much not the forgetful old person bumbling around stereotype that we expect because a lot of the stuff out there is aimed at the most common dementia which is Alzheimer's. This sounds more like behavioural variant frontotemporal dementia and if you can get an assessment done I would mention this to the doctor if possible.

In the short term you have done the right thing by getting out and you must just be really clear about all the problems and how much you have been doing, but also totally uncompromising about the fact that you can't do it any more not least because you have a baby to take care of and that is your priority.

Good luck. You've done your best but your grandparents need specialist help now.

I am absolutely appalled at this. Your GM sounds awful, no offence.

You shouldn't have pleaded. It is only likely to make her to dig in her heels.
Who knows why she does it. She may have ill mental health, she may not have capacity to understand what she is doing or she may be of a perfectly sound mind and just be vile and abusive. There is no use pondering that now.
She's done her bit and this should be your last straw. If I were in this situation, I would only be willing to work with them on resolution for grandpa's sake as it sounds as though he is also a victim in this. If they are both as bad as each other, though, I'd leave them to it.