Family is against me for not feeding baby meat

[Foxtails]

Sorry if this has been brought up before, but could do with some advice please.

8 month old baby, stopped breastfeeding at 6 months. So far I have not fed anything with meat in it and do not plan to. I am vegetarian and have been for 8 years. DH is not veggie but does eat veggie meals in the house with me (his choice). For now, while my son has no way to make his own decisions, I won’t be feeding him meat. Once he is old enough to decide for himself, he can choose. We will always have vegetarian meals in the house but if he wants to eat it outside of the house that’s up to him and there will be no judgement from me.

It seems like absolutely none of my family members can accept this. My mum, dad, grandparents and also DHs parents have expressed to me how they think this is wrong. I have told them that as long as he is fed and is healthy then there really is no problem, and it’s up to me how I do this. It’s got to the point where it’s being brought up almost every time I see anyone because they are so so against it. I feel attacked. They are telling me not to force my views upon my child, but isn’t that what all parents do?! People parent their children how they think is best and in line with what they agree with. Everyone does this.

I am feeling upset and overwhelmed and feeling like i can’t go and see anyone without them starting this argument with me and I worry that they will feed him meat behind my back. Please could I have some advice on what to do and how to handle this? Has anyone been in this position?

People are responding as though you have said that you feed your child solely on berries that you forage from the local woods and that grandparents are concerned.

A vegeterian diet is a mainstream, normal and ethical choice and the wider family should keep their views to themselves. If they try to go against your expressed wishes and try and give your baby meat, I would definitely reduce contact and wouldn't let them see my baby without me being there.

Ok, I have posted enough. But tongue in cheek suggestion: give your family a copy of Ruth Ozeki's My Year of Meat. Brilliant book, even if they dont go veggie they may understand your position.

You can be aware of the positives of not trying it, but you cannot be glad if you've not actually experienced it.

So no religion/Christmas because it’s a Christian festival and we don’t want to impose that belief? You HAVE to make choices for your child-did you dress them in non-gendered clothing/buy so-called non-gendered toys/allow them to play with them? Of course we naturally impose our values, whether we mean to or not. We live our lives and hope our dc will follow suit, religion, beliefs, food etc, even the holidays we take.

My child doesn’t like meat.
We rarely eat it in our house.

It is, and if OPs family had raised concerns over her raising her child on lots of processed, unhealthy foods, that would be a valid concern.

Like my family though, the concern seems to be just based on not having meat. My family would have been happy if my kids had eaten any meat at all, they fed their other grandchildren low quality, processed chicken nuggets, ham and sausage, whilst moaning about my children’s healthy vegetarian diet. It wasn’t about health, which I’d have been happy to discuss, it was just about meat, any meat. If I’d have put a slice of ham on their plate every day, my family would have been happy.

Yes so when the conversation first came up we had a proper discussion about it (I had to have the same discussion 4 times with 4 different family members). I told them not to worry because we have looked into it pretty extensively. At first I was veggie for ethical reasons, so we weren’t sure what to do about DS because even though I don’t agree with eating meat, I would still feed it to him if it was the healthiest thing for him because I will put his health and nutrition before anything else. However, after looking into it, we have decided that we think it’s actually healthier to be vegetarian and that is our preferred way of raising him for now. I reassured them on everything, even offered to send them some information they can read. Or they can look it up themselves. I assured them that if there was even a slight issue with his health and it was recommended for us to feed him meat, then we would. I think this is reasonable. They just won’t hear of it, they think it’s a load of rubbish and humans have always eaten meat and will not do any harm etc etc. MIL has even made some remarks, while holding DS on her hip and bouncing him she said in a baby voice “can you not wait to stay at nannas and have some delicious chicken” it’s just so upsetting and frustrating to be ignored on this

I actually think you sound totally rational. As long as baby getting all the proteins/iron/minerals he needs (all achievable with a veggie diet btw) and you both as parents are in agreement, it’s nothing to do with anyone else.

That you are happy for him to try other foods if and when he wants to shows a flexibility on your part that is great.

if they keep going on about a firm reminder that it is not their decision, it’s yours and your DHs. I take it all those meat eating relatives are the picture of health and nutritional experts?

I say this as a confirmed meat eater btw 🤣

PS and this MIL has even made some remarks, while holding DS on her hip and bouncing him she said in a baby voice “can you not wait to stay at nannas and have some delicious chicken” it’s just so upsetting and frustrating to be ignored on this

would be met with me telling her if she ever did that, he wouldn’t be staying with nanna again.

I don't see the distinction between being glad you did or did not do something and being aware of the positives of having done or not done something.

How is she raising a mini version of herself or stoping her son from developing his own values ? She’s raising her son in exactly the same way as any responsible parent, by making decisions based on her own core values until he’s old enough to decide for himself.

Is it veggie meals as in lentils or veggie as in meat substitute? Are they concerned about processed foods in this regard?
edit to add a veggie diet full of home cooked nutritious meals is healthier than chicken nuggets constantly and as long as you’re mindful of protein and iron and omegas your family don’t have a leg to stand on

can you not wait to stay at nannas and have some delicious chicken” @Foxtails

No way, absolutely no way. Can she not see that by saying stuff like this she's never having him stay?

Af least you know without a doubt she can't be trusted!

So if op's husband feed him meat out side the house can that be his decision and op can be happy about it ? Then grand parents can feed baby meat at their home like her husband eats the same over there?

You don’t have to have eaten the flesh of animals to be glad you don’t, if you don’t agree with the way animals are farmed and slaughtered. You don’t have to experience smoking or drinking for yourself to be glad you haven’t put yourself at risk of lung cancer or cirrhosis.

A vegetarian diet is a pretty normal dietary choice to make. There are many valid reasons to consider cutting down our meat consumption - environmental, health, ethics, etc. So, this isn't some weird, fringe thing.

To an extent, all parents impose their preferences and values in their children's early lives. It's how we protect our children from potentially harmful things when they're young, and then we help them develop the skills to make their own choices. An 8 month old baby doesn't have the skills to make his own choices about food, so that falls to his parents at this stage.

If both parents want their child to have a healthy vegetarian diet, and can provide a healthy vegetarian diet, people should respect that. If they choose not to respect a valid parenting decision, then they're choosing to have less involvement with the child because they can't be trusted.

I was raised vegetarian and will do the same with my child. Once old enough to understand then I will explain what meat is and where it comes from and they can eat it with their father if they choose (i wouldn't mind this in the house even but unlikely he is going to start doing the majority of the cooking!).
You don't need a nutritionist, both vegetarian and omnivorous diets can be healthy or not and the decision to feed or not feed meat is the parent placing their views on the child which is OK because ultimately that's what we all do until they can make their own choice.
In answer to the Op, it's crap that they can't respect your choice. I have experienced the same to a lesser degree and just calmly make the above points. If they go against my wishes then I'll have to decide how to tackle that at the time as I'd be more pissed off that they weren't respecting my parenting decision than the fact they've eaten meat.

Nope. The deal is that the baby doesn’t eat meat until he’s old enough to decide for himself whether he wants to or not. Her DH is on board with that. It’s a parental decision which the rest of the family should respect.

What foods are you feeding him to replace the nutrients found in meat?

Purposely denying a child of a normal everyday food source will cause issues longer term. That’s why your family are concerned.

I will make the presumption that you were given meat as a child and made an active decision to become a vegetarian? Why are you denying your child the same? Let him have meat and if he decides to change his lifestyle when he’s older, that’s his choice.

I wouldn’t expect you to handle it but your partner should as though they eat meat so they can prepare and cook it at home. Being so controlling over others will lead to issues.

There will be many other conflicts you will come across as a parent, you need to show understanding for others perspectives and realise it’s not always your way. If your child and partner decide they would like meat in their home then they should be entitled to have it.

Have you discussed things like schooling, sweets (kids love those!) - so many many little things that could cause you big conflict.

How will you cope when your child is at a friends house and decides to try meat? Will he be reprimanded? What if, at 8, he decides he loves a ham sandwich at home? Will you stop him?

Why is that relevant ? Or indeed anyone’s business but OP’s ? She’s been a veggie herself long term - I think that qualifies her to know what’s best for her baby in terms of a veggie diet. She’s already said she’s giving him dairy.

I hate the passive-aggressive shite of talking through the baby. I'd tell nanna that hell would freeze over before my baby stays at her house. She is blatantly winding you up and completely disrespecting your well thought out decision to give your baby a healthy vegetarian diet. Your MIL sounds pretty toxic.

I understand that she's a veggie. That doesn't mean she is adequately meeting her own nutritional needs. When we do something ourselves, we can become a bit complacent. I was a vegetarian for almost a decade. I had terrible anaemia and needed iron injections. I was actually very unwell and unable to function.

Personally, I dont see any issue with her raising her child as a veggie, but I would absolutely take advice from an expert to make sure my child had everything they need to properly grow. A conversation and checking with an expert isn't going to hurt anyone.

Yabvu. The default choice whilst your son can’t decide for himself, is to feed him what humans have been eating for millions of years, an omnivorous diet including meat. When he has gained capacity, he can decide to become vegetarian/vegan should he choose.
You can have normal blood parameters including iron and still have symptoms of deficiency, I have seen it in patients. Early years and childhood development is critical. It’s not the time to impose this on him.

while holding DS on her hip and bouncing him she said in a baby voice “can you not wait to stay at nannas and have some delicious chicken”

That’s disgusting. It doesn’t matter the topic, she is trying to undermine you and wind you up by doing things like this. I wouldn’t be spending much time with anyone like that.

If nana doesn't respect your choices then I wouldn't allow nana unsupervised access of the baby. It's not her decision.