To request no more photos are taken of me?

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I'm almost 40.
I've aged terribly over the last 18 months or so.
It's so depressing seeing photos of myself that others have taken I'm actually having a little cry tonight because of it.

My under eyes are all wrinkly and puffy and my eyes are sunken. One side of my face seems to have drooped a little too!
I've always had a very large nose, I meant to get surgery when I was young but I never did and it never put men off when I was young which surprised me. ..and now I have DD I'd rather spend the money on something else.

But quite often friends take photos of me and post them online. And over the last year the photos of me have been hideous!
I've seen a few different groups of friends over the weekend and a couple of group photos where taken.
I look dreadful. My friends are similar age but I'm definitely the ugly duckling. They haven't aged hardly at all.
I'm only a 10-12 and I look terribly dumpy and fat. Some of my friends are an 18 and they don't look fat.
What's the secret? Day dresses? I usually wear tops jumpers and jeans or trousers.
I've asked friends to delete the photos, as I've done in the past, but they haven't and often say 'oh you look fine'. And leave them on social media.

Also my boss sometimes takes photos for work and I look awful then and I dread it too!

Can I request that no one takes my photo again? How? Has anyone done this? I'm actually thinking of not going out socially for a while because of it.

I'm saving for Botox but it's expensive.
I'm a kind funny person and I'd rather be known for that. I'm happy not having to look at myself!

And by the way I do the usual, have a healthy diet, exercise and drink water. I try to get sleep but I often wake up naturally after 6 hours.
Always been like that.
I probably do look permanently tired.

Is there anything I can do?

Sorry this is a very garbled post. Thanks if you read to the end!

It's all about angles and perspective with regards to photos, say you're at a table and someone takes a photo, the ones on the end will always looks broader and larger than ones in the middle. Same for group shots, ones in the middle with arms around the backs of those next to you will always look better than ones on the end, especially if ones on the end don't know what to do with their arm (I never used to know but now I always make sure I'm holding a glass of something as easier to pose and it's a flattering angle for the arm).
It could also be the clothes you're wearing aren't flattering, a classic go to is a wrap dress with floaty sleeves, will really accentuate your shape.

Rather than Botox, I would look at investing in a session with a colour/body shape analysis person. These sessions usually incorporate how to do the right make up, best colours for clothes/make up/hair, best style clothes to wear. It's all about feeling confident. I'm sure we've all seen photos of ourselves where we hyper focus on the things that really bother us when other people won't be noticing it at all. You sound like a lovely person, you just need to find your confidence ❤️

I don't look great in photos- I like to think I am better in real life.
Thankfully most of my friends aren't social media fiends, but I've been out with a few folk who insist on posting everything on FB and of course only focus on flattering photos of themselves.

I am not sure what the right answer is, but I don't think it's Botox or plastic surgery. I remember when I was younger I lost loads of weight and had a perfect figure for once, and instantly started fixating on my big nose and bad haircut.

I think it's fine to tell friends that you don't like having your photos in social media and asking to be in the background.

Op I absolutely guarantee that in twenty years time, you will look back at that photo and think you look good!

So I think you need to consider that the way you are seeing yourself now is not necessarily very accurate. And some counselling to build up your self esteem might be helpful.

The Botox will make no difference to you.
You have to find some self acceptance. You're not your wrinkles or your nose or your stomach. Think about what you've achieved and done. Think about your role as a parent, how good you are in other ways, how you have treated people, how you have navigated life.
What is important?
This comes from within. Try to find it.

When my children look back at photos of me, I know they will not think "gosh she was fat or ugly". They will look and think of me and how much they love me.

My mother died when I was young. The photos of her are precious. I look at her smiling, I like the way that she looks happy with us.
That's what matters.

I think it’s fine to say no photos of you for any reason.
I don’t allow any pics or mention of me or my family online. Different reasons but I don’t want certain people to find me online or know anything about my children.

This is a lovely summary, thank you. I too look dreadful in photos, tired and blobby and I am neither. I can only hope that people who know me realise the photos are not who I am inside.

I’m absolutely with you. Graves Eye Disease is awful. Even though everyone tells me that my eyes look perfectly normal now I can still see an asymmetry in photos- it could be in my mind- who knows but I absolutely refuse to have photos taken now and people definitely think that’s odd.Im fed up of having to explain and wish that people would just accept that sometimes it’s nothing to do with vanity and there are real, psychological reasons why someone does not want their bloody photo taken 😡

Honestly just stop worrying about it. One day you’ll look back at photos of yourself now and just think what was I worrying about, l looked great.

You're happy, you’re healthy (I think), you’ve got friends who are so happy to see you they want it in a photo, just think FUCK IT, and either don’t look at them or remember you probably look very lovely in real life and it’s therefore irrelevant!

Vitamin d is a game changer I believe.
check your levels if they low get a boost with injections the quickset way.

Then take a supplement for the 6 months of 1000 from Holland and Barrett .
Then Botox if your next best friend.
load of water and sleep as you said. .
Middle age just hits you over night .

I was told if you exercise you can be 30 again and if you don’t you remain Middle Aged.(untill you’re not ) obviously!

I've got two sisters. One looks fine in photos the other looks goofy and plain. I've never analysed why it is. In real life they are equally attractive. Ignore the photos. Nobody else will notice ... we all just look at ourselves!
All these photos are a right pain though. I do an outdoor activity twice a week and some people post dozens of pics everyone. So pointless ... and cluttering up servers and eating electricity all over the world. I think we need a photo ration!

I don't think that photos are about looking good they are about recording memories. I look a state in all my uni photos but they are the best memories. So if your friends are posting photos of you on nights out presumably it's because you have good friends and they had a great time with you.

I'm 42 and don't look great now either so I do feel your pain.

Hi OP, I think you have every right not to be in photos if you don't want to, but like a PP pointed out I wonder whether in the years to come you might regret not being in some of them (and I do think your loved ones would love to have photos of you). I'm also quite uncomfortable with having my photo taken but I think my son will want to see us together in family photos when he's older so I do participate even if I cringe a bit when I see them. I just put them quickly out of my mind BUT no one is posting them on social media, which makes a big difference I think.

One thing I have found really helpful as I've gotten older was India Knight's beauty book - it's specifically for middle aged and older women and has lots of great tips about how to look like yourself, but a bit better. It's definitely helped to increase my confidence so might be worth a look if you want to feel a bit more confident in your looks day to day and means that if someone does want to take a photo, I at least feel like I'm looking as good as I can.

I hope you find a path forward that works for you.

No, you'll never be 30 again.
That's the problem. You cannot reverse ageing, all you can do is try to keep as well and fit as you can. Women are criticised for ageing, our society sees it as a failure somehow. No wonder women like the OP feel depressed. Of course you'll be middle aged at some point.

I never took a very good photo. I was chatting with a colleague from work about the same thing once, she said she worked out a photo "smile" in which she didn't look too bad and that is now her photo face. I didn't think it was possible but I tried that and I did come up with a "photo smile" myself, which means there is a far better chance I'll look at least reasonable instead of consistently bad.

We are all our own worse critics though. I've never looked at a group photo and thought someone didn't look good, only myself.

This was my specialist that told me this so sorry yes i understand her meaning .

Not exercising and being unfit and saying “oh it’s just my age” is actually NOT an excuse .

We need to exercise in middle age more than ever .

I understand it as well. It's not saying you'll actually be 30 again but by exercising you can significantly slow down the physical ageing process of the body. I've seen old people who have never been active and they seem to age more quickly. I'm not talking about appearance, I'm talking about how fit and healthy someone is.
I know a man of 84 who's always exercised and eaten healthily. He still goes on 40 mile bike rides and is very sprightly.
Obviously there are exceptions but I do think exercise keeps your body physically "younger" or in much better condition than inactivity. They say it's when you stop doing things that you age more rapidly.

We need to exercise in middle age more than ever

Absolutely agree with this- and appropriate exercise too which won’t ruin your joints/ leave you needing a hip replacement!

But what we do not need is to be made to feel inadequate because we have a normal body for a woman between 40-60 who has maybe had a few kids/ health issues/ worked hard for 20 years. It’s neither realistic or helpful to look at 30 yr olds and think I can look like that (on the outside at least) if I just go to the gym/ eat better/ pay for Botox. It’s just guaranteed to make people feel insecure if that’s the goal. For me the goal is staying fit so I can hopefully see my kids grow old, do my hobbies and other things I like (walking, swimming) and hopefully stay out of the nhs. Not to look 30 again or to take an especially good photo.

Yes this is true re angles etc.

Sometimes people don't give any time for you to grab a glass or arrange your top so your bra isn't showing or whatever. Just "let's get a photo!" - snap - you've got a mouthful of food or something. I really hate that.

If I take a group shot I am careful to try and make it as good as possible and as flattering as possible for everyone.

OP, I hope for your sake that you can re-frame this.

People age. If you are 40, you will not look 20 or 30. And this is fine.

It does not matter what other people look like.

You should exercise to feel good and be healthy. Not to look like a model or how society thinks you should look.

Society has a serious problem with women ageing. That should not be your problem - because it's natural and fine to age.

I would just own yourself. I bet you actually look fine. You might not have the body of a supermodel, but it's a normal body/face by the sounds of it.

I think that if you get botox, you are kind of feeding your own problems (I don't mean to be rude). Whereas you should be looking at acceptance and the fact that people should value your personal qualities - for example, you are clearly a good mum and put your DD first.

Wear clothes that you like and are comfortable in. You don't need to adopt the "uniform" of the moment.

You’ve got the same problem as the OP it’s a kind of body dysmorphia. Nobody else sees what you say.

Tell people not to post pictures of you. If they do? tell them to take them down or you'll report the post.

Keep telling them. Start wearing a stupid mask as soon as any of your friends looks as though they're getting a camera/phone out.

But tbh - you need to learn to come to terms with how you look (easier said than done - i have NEVER liked photos of me and am constantly avoiding situations where people insist on taking them)

I recently attended the funeral of a friend of mine. He was notoriously self conscious and hated having his photo taken- despite this, there was so much content of him while he was alive, photos and videos. It was truly wonderful for the people left behind to have that. I'll always be thinking of that now next time I worry about photos of myself.

I know that it is a "me problem" but i really hate how i look, always have, and i don't care if there is the occasional lovely photo (there are, i like them but it is torture having my photo taken nonetheless)

But i will not be doing any of this stuff, except if i want to do it for me. Not just so some twit can insist i'm in their group photos.

I am in a rather large group of friends who come from all over the globe and there are regular meet ups. It is only in the last year that i have really put my foot down and told them to back off when i say no. I don't expect to say "no i don't want to be in the photo" and then have people wheedling and pleading and trying to coerce me. that will just make me get more forceful about not wanting photos of me.