To ask why older women constantly ask if I have children, as opposed to if I have a partner?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

I’m single and in my early 30s. Older women who are mums constantly ask me if I have children, as opposed to if I have a partner. This makes no sense to me. One surely comes before the other, so why not ask the appropriate question if you must ask?

These same women also become extremely awkward when you say you don’t have children and follow up with condescending comments like “your time will come,” or if they ask if I have a partner after I say I don’t have kids, they’ll say “give it time/your time will come. No rush.” These comments are so unnecessary.

Most of the women that ask these questions and make these comments don’t even seem content themselves.

I do try to preempt or redirect the conversation when I can. I’ve even used redirects like your example and then asked them about themselves. But even then, it doesn’t always stop the follow-up comments like, “Oh, you’ll change your mind” or, “There’s still time.”

It’s not the question itself that bothers me as much as the assumptions and unsolicited advice that often come with it. Sometimes it feels like people aren’t really interested in getting to know me - they’re just trying to fit me into a box that makes sense to them.

When I was younger, I used to feel as if everybody was asking me both of these questions. (Do you have a partner and do you have children). I have neither and I didn't want either- so as a question it did amuse me when people found it a nonstarter!

However, it really annoyed me when people tried to talk me into either. I don't understand how anyone can be so small minded that they think we've all got to be the same?

I have been meeting new people recently and I am pleased to say the question seems to have gone away. I suspect it's more to do with people realising that someone who wanted both of those things might be upset by the question? I don't know. It might also be the context in which you meet people.

It's interesting to me that you expect to be asked the question about partners first. I have encountered so many single parents, I never assume that anyone has a partner. Generally, I don't like to assume anything.

No. It is you who is underthinking.

I'm an older woman (55) and I have a daughter (27) whose father's had no involvement at all (his choice) and I have no partner. I would possibly ask about children if I'd just met someone IF it seemed relevant or to draw them into conversation - some people talk about children/pets/cars a lot. I no longer have a pet or a car. I might ask about work first though. It's just making conversation, honestly, and a bit more interesting than the weather or - the one that amuses me - "what was your journey like getting here?" The answers often involve junctions and roads I've never heard of.

I think for some women this is their small talk. It's on a level with 'you into football?' for men but it can obviously be a much more sensitive subject, so it's one I tend to avoid unless it's in the right context and I'm fairly confident it's OK to ask.

Comments such as 'your time will come' are annoying but I would chalk that down to (unintentionally) bad social etiquette and move on.

Asking if you have a partner is asking about your personal life though?
It's abit much for a stranger/very loose acquaintance to ask.

I bristle at this, but it's usually middle aged blokes asking me 😶

Asking about children is different.

I've noticed it happens a lot less the older you get. Once you are visibly old enough to have adult children, or even grandchildren, nobody is particularly interested 😁

Some people are fun to chat to and will talk about any topic that comes up. They will ask clunky, slightly insensitive questions and also answer them happily. I find them good company and fun conversationalists.

Other people are prickly and sensitive and very hard work to speak to because you have to tiptoe around topics that might upset them. Which is fine, but not how I would want to be.

You can choose to let things go or you can choose to overthink. I prefer to let things go.

I think they are just chatting, then perhaps worrying that they've upset you and want to offer reassurance.
Partners don't always come before children and sometimes children last longer than partners, so there's not an obvious order for asking the questions.
Must admit I think it is an insensitive question and I'm glad when acquaintances offer the information because I wouldn't ask. I don't like being asked.

@Lallydallydune "I used to just shake it off. Some older women are still very old fashioned"

Oh, for fuck's sake.....

What's your issue exactly?

Some older women are very old fashioned.

I have one very old fashioned aunty who thinks that all women should be married with children by the age of 30.

Everyone she saw me or my aunties she would ask "do you have a boyfriend yet?." And "isn't it about time to settle down now".

Their generation mostly got married and had kids.

The younger generation of women - a lot if them are choosing not to get married or have kids

@Lallydallydune "
Their generation mostly got married and had kids."

Which generation are you talking about?

I asked you a question first.

You answer that one first.

It was:
"What's your issue exactly?"

If you have a partner could change on a daily basis once you are a mum you are always a mum . It's not a great question to ask as unfortunately some kids pass away or it could be painful for other reasons but it makes more sense to ask that than about partners who can come and go

This really

@Lallydallydune My issue? I would have thought it was obvious. Blatant ageism. The only -ism that Mumsnet is happy with.

You do realise that the OP wrote that it's older women that have said this to her, yes?

And it's not ageism. Read up on what ageism is.

Refusing to give a job to someone because they are older than another candidate is ageism.

Saying that women who are older than me, have asked me why I dont have a partner and children, is not ageism.

Whatever! If the op generalised about any other group of people then mumsnet would go mad, report and the post would go poof!

Older women do not go about asking people if they have children and then patronise. I’ve never come across this and as a forty something have never done this. Op is desperate for people to sympathise with her. It’s sad but people need to be intelligent enough to read between the lines.

It's not generalising. She is giving facts specifically about the people who said it to her.

She didn't write anywhere that "all older women say this."

She wrote that the women who said it to her , were older than her.

Of course we can use words like "older" or "younger" to describe the people that we were talking to.

I was talking to some young people today.

Easily fixed by doing a Bridget Jones impersonation and saying "God, no!".
However, if that is really your concern, why then mention that they don't ask if you have a partner. Seems like these are two entirely separate issues.

Because the 2 aren't really connected.
Lots of people have children who didn't have a partner, or no longer have one, or have one that is not related to the children. Partners come and go, children generally stick around.
In a getting to know you way asking if you have children is similar to, whereabouts do you live, do you have pets, do you have a OH etc. They are all ways to build a picture of your life and get to know you more. And should all be asked in a way that you can choose to elaborate or not as you feel inclined.
'Do you have children YET, oh never mind dear, your time will come' is totally different, its invasive, condescending and awkward (what if you don't want them or can't have them).
I'd feel the same if they asked 'do you have a partner, oh dear, well maybe oneday'. Its all in the delivery!

Some of them want an excuse to talk about their own children.

If making conversation, do you have children? is generally safer than are you married/do you have a partner? which can be a sensitive topic. It also doesn't make assumptions about your sexuality.

I'm interested to know why the question bugs you? The question itself doesn't imply judgement, but perhaps you have your reasons for hearing it as such?

It's usually just meant as an ice breaker. Then there are those whose only topic of conversation is children. I agree that it's not really a question we should be asking, I'm sure it would be terribly upsetting for some. I do think that this information usually comes out of its own accord though, we might say 'I need to pick Barry up from nursery in half an hour' or 'We often went there when the girls were little'.

Did you? Did they all say the same thing? Did you come on to mumsnet and hope people would say “ah that’s the older/younger generation for you” It’s a goady thread. It’s predictable.

Your point is completely obsolete when the op has an agenda.

I would say do you have children? is more sensitive than do you have a partner/are you married?

Obviously you can take this to the nth degree, but someone could be struggling to conceive, have suffered a miscarriage, or they could want children but aren't in a relationship and are worried about running out of time.

If you're going to ask this question to someone you don't know very well you need to be mindful that a no answer could be more complicated than you realise.