To ask why older women constantly ask if I have children, as opposed to if I have a partner?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

I’m single and in my early 30s. Older women who are mums constantly ask me if I have children, as opposed to if I have a partner. This makes no sense to me. One surely comes before the other, so why not ask the appropriate question if you must ask?

These same women also become extremely awkward when you say you don’t have children and follow up with condescending comments like “your time will come,” or if they ask if I have a partner after I say I don’t have kids, they’ll say “give it time/your time will come. No rush.” These comments are so unnecessary.

Most of the women that ask these questions and make these comments don’t even seem content themselves.

It’s a generational thing , I’m always being asked when in hospital etc if I have a family - for those people having a career wouldn’t have been a priority to they measure success differently

It’s because they have kids and if you also have kids it opens up a load of conversation topics. Parents like talking to other parents about school and Christmas stockings and screen time limits and where to get good value kids’ shoes.

Oh, get a grip. It’s such a shame you feel that way about yourself.

Hmm I'm 50/50 on this. As a childfree woman I agree this line of conversation can be frustrating, especially comments like 'there's still time' which assume all women want children. But I'm wishing you hadn't specified older women, because I haven't found this to be specific to older women at all. I'm older myself and I know better than to do this, because I've been badgered so often myself about my reproductive choices - by women of various ages, not just older women. (And to be clear, by 'badgered' I don't mean simply being asked if I have children. I'm talking about the intrusive questioning and commentary that so often accompanies the answer 'no'.)

Probably because people like having conversations about their children. Talking about partners is even less interesting than talking about other people's kids

Well you can absolutely have kids and not a partner, I have 2 friends who are single parents now, they have kids, now not with the dad.

Trouble is, some of them immediately lose interest in the conversation when they find out someone doesn't have kids.

As an older woman, I can hand on heart say that I have never asked anyone either question!

It is simply small talk. You say it is older Mums who ask. Basically it is subject they know, understand and can participate in.

I think you are overthinking that they are judging your life choices. They probably just want a safe topic to make small talk about and (stereotype of course but) most mothers enjoy talking about their children.

I have friends with partners and no children. I have friends with children and no partner. If my DCs came up naturally in the conversation I might ask if someone had kids because there
might then be a shared experience. I don’t think I would ever ask someone if they had a partner as I can’t really think of anything that would be a natural extension to a conversation on that context - unless I was having a moan about something but even then I probably wouldn’t. Maybe because am older and friends have been through some pretty brutal splits.

I totally agree that the intrusive commentary can come from people of all ages - it’s not exclusive to older women. I only mentioned older women because, in my experience, that’s where it’s happened most often. But I get what you’re saying, and it’s definitely frustrating no matter who’s doing it.

Just making conversation I imagine sometimes that's all it is doesn't have to a reason behind it.

Are all these questioning older women in the room with you right now, OP?

TBH if I'm interested in you then I'm far more interested in whether you have dc than whether you have a partner. Partners may come and go, but dc are part of you.

But if you said you didn't then I would just accept it (and not bend your ear with stories about mine). None of my business why, and I certainly would not patronise you with 'your time will come' - what a🤮 thing to say!

Could you give us a list of appropriate questions to ask to get to know someone op?
I’m an older woman, don’t want to inadvertently upset someone by actually being interested in them.

Its because all older women are bitter, jealous, insecure and unhappy with our lives. Our one remaining pleasure being to upset younger women. If we're not MiL with a DiL on tap to annoy, we make do with asking younger women questions designed to annoy them, but cunningly disguised as making conversation. You have clearly seen through our ruse OP, so will be ahead of the game when on your 40th birthday you will required to start annoying younger women yourself.

I know exactly what you mean.
One friend of a friend particularly, every time I see her it's the same "no kids yet??".
I'm very sorely tempted to reply "no, seeing you so haggard and miserable put me off". Instead I bite my tongue.

I don't mind being asked if I have kids. I do mind if my answer of no leads to all the 'plenty of time yet' or 'you'll change your mind' kind of replies. Women actively and enthusiastically choosing not to have kids seems to make some people, usually mums in my experience, quite uncomfortable.

To be fair in this instance I wouldn’t bite my tongue if I was you.

@ThisLoudBeaker " But I get what you’re saying, and it’s definitely frustrating no matter who’s doing it."

Not as bloody frustrating that the constant "older women are like this" narrative that abounds.

It’s not about being interested or asking questions - it’s more about how those questions come across. For example, instead of jumping straight to ‘Do you have kids?’ or assuming it’s a given, a more open question like ‘What keeps you busy these days?’ or ‘Tell me about yourself’ can feel less presumptive. It gives the other person space to share what’s important to them, rather than feeling boxed into specific life milestones.

Sounds like they’re just trying to make conversation.

It's usually because 'partners' come and go but children are forever. And at the end of the day by the time you get to your age OP most partners have proven only to be a bit disappointing.