To ask why older women constantly ask if I have children, as opposed to if I have a partner?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

I’m single and in my early 30s. Older women who are mums constantly ask me if I have children, as opposed to if I have a partner. This makes no sense to me. One surely comes before the other, so why not ask the appropriate question if you must ask?

These same women also become extremely awkward when you say you don’t have children and follow up with condescending comments like “your time will come,” or if they ask if I have a partner after I say I don’t have kids, they’ll say “give it time/your time will come. No rush.” These comments are so unnecessary.

Most of the women that ask these questions and make these comments don’t even seem content themselves.

How much older ?

I started a new job earlier this month and do you have kids is a bonding question. So I told one woman that my dd is at uni and we discussed what she was studying and what her son at uni was studying too. There’s a good chance that someone your age has kids so it’s a common question to ask like “Did you travel far today ?” (Not a dig at people who aren’t local)

The follow up comments like you have plenty of time is rude though. Not everyone wants or can have kids and that assumes that you want kids.

I agree with pp that asking about kids is more interesting than asking about a partner. Half of marriages end in divorce and you don’t want to kill the conversation when you ask someone whose marriage ended in sad circumstances.

I agree with some pps that have said it's most probably women making conversation. Lots of women have children and families and talking about families is something that people do when they get together and don't know each other that well. You're not usually going to get into a deep and meaningful conversation about politics, war or the natural world when you meet someone briefly. It's kind of common ground, I guess, as we all have a family (of some description) even if it's close friends etc. Better than talking about the weather I guess!
I think we can always find something to be offended about when offense was never intended, if we try hard enough!

I guess for these “older women”, their kids are, and always will be - the most important people in their lives….and they’re looking to relate to others about that. Ok, so perhaps it’s clumsy, but some people are.

It seems to be a passage of life!

I used to get all those comment when I was in my early 30s too.

Now I'm 40, they don't say it to me anymore.

Oh and this. I did not meet DH until i was in my 30s and had my first Ds late into my 30s. A friend of my mother's asked me a few years before that what i was doing with myself these days and when I said I'd recently been employed in a very high powered international job she laughed in my face and said' 'Oh you poor fool- you'll never get a husband with that attitude!'. It was said with such contempt like I was less than shit on her shoe.

It’s a more neutral question to ask about children than partners IMO. These women aren’t judging you and I doubt they care whether you have children or not. They’re just making polite conversation.

Why does this bother you? Is it because they ‘got the order wrong’ and should have asked about a partner first? I don’t get it. Lots of women have children but no partner - for any number of reasons. These women are trying to find topics of conversation. Asking about children is an easy way to start a conversation. It allows the other woman to answer briefly or expand, as she wishes.

Exactly this! It’s not the question itself that’s the issue - it’s the assumptions and follow-up comments that often come with it. It’s like some people can’t fathom that choosing not to have kids is a valid and fulfilling decision, or that some women simply haven’t had kids yet. I think it makes them uncomfortable because it challenges their own life choices or societal norms they’ve internalised. It’d be so refreshing if people could just accept a no without trying to dissect or challenge it.

Ask them.

They ask everyone.

I used to just shake it off. Some older women are still very old fashioned

Guess what?
They're making conversation.
Tbf if you were a man they would probably ask what you do for work followed by do you have dc.

Only at job interviews or on dates has anyone said - Tell me about yourself.

OP, to quote with a slight edit your latest post

"It’d be so refreshing if people could just accept a [QUESTION] without trying to dissect or challenge it."

Same back to you, 15-love, and all that.

Well if I felt the need to ask either of those two questions I’d ask about children. I couldn’t care less if you had a partner (and where would that conversation go) but children would make for more conversation. Personally I don’t ask either of those questions anyway unless it was somehow appropriate or relevant to ask.

I have kids myself but find all the kids/grandkids talk really boring tbh. Often women without children are much more interesting to talk to as they don't just waffle on about their kids or grandkids all the time. I love my own but am not interested in hearing the boring talk about other peoples dc, what foods they like to eat etc, their bed time routines, which washing powder is best for their dcs skin. I find it all a huge borefest!

Blimey if someone said ‘tell me about yourself’ I would desperately be searching for something ‘worthy’ to say , like in a job interview.
I can hardly admit to a semi stranger I eat too much chocolate and think Liam Payne was an untalented junkie.

I see where you’re coming from, and I understand that asking about children might feel like an easy and neutral way to start a conversation. But the reason it bothers me is less about “getting the order wrong” and more about the assumptions that tend to follow. It often feels like people expect a certain narrative, and when you don’t fit into it, the follow-up comments like “there’s still time” or “you’ll change your mind” can feel intrusive or dismissive.

For example, I’ve had someone tell me I’ll change my mind about being “single and content” in a year or two, and another woman even advised me to rush to have kids now - despite not being in a relationship - because she works with people who “regret waiting until their 30s to have children and have to start IVF as a result.” And all this just because I said I’m currently single and don’t have kids.

I think it’s great to make polite conversation, but maybe a more open-ended question - like asking about hobbies, work, or interests - would avoid making assumptions and still spark a meaningful chat.

I have 3 kids and I wouldn't ask you that question.

I find that it's a sensitive topic for a lot of people and too personal to ask when you've just met somebody.

Why don't you steer the small talk into the topics you prefer then? Why don't you ask about their hobbies and interests?
People will naturally talk about the big things in their lives. Just give a short answer and divert with a more interesting fact or question. They're probably just trying to fill the awkward lull.

People will just give up talking soon. It’s too hard.

I'm in my late 50's (so not only "older" but ancient), and I've never asked anyone if they have kids. Maybe edit your title to SOME older women...or just y'know "Some women"....because believe it or not we're all different.

I think you perhaps need to prempt the response more. They are presumably trying to make small talk so shut down that line of discussion and open a different one:
Do you have children?
Oh no, visiting my nephews once a month is quite enough for me at the moment. How about you, do you have children?...

You are over thinking it. They are just making conversation. People like talking about their kids so it is an easy topic to chat about. You have to scratch around a bit for things to say with some people.

But the reason it bothers me is less about “getting the order wrong” and more about the assumptions that tend to follow. It often feels like people expect a certain narrative, and when you don’t fit into it, the follow-up comments like “there’s still time” or “you’ll change your mind” can feel intrusive or dismissive

Ah, well that’s slightly different if some are making unwanted follow up comments. The question itself is fine though @ThisLoudBeaker IMO. Or maybe they’re just misreading you by thinking you’re sad you don’t have children so are trying to think of a ‘don’t worry, it’ll all turn out ok’ type comment. Like if someone asked you if you had a job and you said No, they might automatically try to say things like ‘I’m sure you’ll find one soon’, ‘the right job is out there for you’, etc.

If you actually don’t ever want children then that’s a valid answer, as is answering you’re not sure if you want them, and so on.

Because…because they right wing nutters! They watch too much GB news…they’re sexist! They’re boomers! Erm

I mean I would just answer the question instead of getting offended.

Say to them "so when are you popping another one out"?

I'm baffled that posters think asking if somebody has children is in any way an appropriate question. I mean, you ask the question and the reply is "No I don't". Where do you go from that? Start talking about your own children? Move on to another subject?

Better to find that other subject in my view because more and more women are deciding not to have children and many women can't have them or are struggling to have them.

It's a shockingly rude question to ask because you either know the person (and know the answer) or you don't, in which case it's none of your business and the likelihood is that you will cause offense.