Nothing nothing sex

[smalltroll]

Hi all,

Me and dh no longer have sex. We have been married a while and have two primary age children. I know the lack of sex is not something dh is happy with but he doesn't often initiate anyway these days.

The problem is, I have made it clear to him that the lack of any physical touch and emotional connection outside of the bedroom is what has killed my sex drive but nothing changes.

I understand that people have different love languages, and dh does things for me such as acts of service, but he doesn't bother with me for days then all of a sudden becomes interested in me, it's very off putting and makes me feel used. There will be no kisses or hugs, no chats etc then on the day he wants sex, all of a sudden he's touching my bum or something.

When I bring this up he says that I don't initiate any physical contact either, which is true, but I don't then expect sex or suddenly start showing an interest one day knowing that's where I want it to lead.

I don't feel I can be physically affectionate outside the bedroom because any touch leads to dh thinking that we are going to have sex.

I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like as I have no reference from childhood. We are good together in all other aspects of life. Is this fixable?

Women ask men to be emotional when they really don’t have empathy like us. Nobody wants to accept this though.

On the days he is affectionate non sexually, reward with sex. On the days he gives you the creeps, no sex. Train him like a dog.

WTF did I just read?!

Just how most men really think 😏 and how to train em 💖

Er, okay then 🙄

It’s possible fixable if you can both communicate better and want things to change. You’re being quite passive from what you’ve described. You don’t want hugs in case he thinks you’ll want sex later so you don’t ever initiate non sexual affection. He’s got used to not hugging or other normal contact but still tries his luck when he wants a shag, and you don’t like it.

Have you calmly clearly explained exactly what you think is happening, what you need, asked him what he thinks is happening and what he needs, told him you’re not happy with the status quo and think it’s terminal if nothing changes? It’s the only thing you can do. You’re not happy, you know he isn’t, your kids rarely or never see mum and dad being close or affectionate, that’s a really sad picture for all of you!

Nothing will change if no one changes anything. You could put it into writing so you get it all out uninterrupted and he has a chance to digest it. You’ve explained your feelings pretty well here. Use I statements - I feel you don’t want to hug me unless it’s a precursor to sex and that makes me feel sad.

Or you could try appealing to his emotion, crying, begging him to be the man you married. It seems to be working well for the majority of married mumsnetters 🤷‍♀️

Or treat him like an actual human being and have a conversation with him.

You post something like this on almost every thread about this sort of topic. It's absolute nonsense.

Some men aren't empathetic. Lots are. My DH is, the DHs of my friends are, my brother is, my Dad was. I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences, but talking about them like they're mindless puppies who need to be trained to think just gives leverage to the bad ones and is insulting to the good ones.

Rewarding empathy with sex. 🤢

I think it needs a proper sit down conversation. Sex shouldn’t be transactional or a “reward” in a healthy relationship.

Was the sexual aspect of your relationship satisfactory when you first got together? What was different in those days?

Can't she just roll up a newspaper and whack him on the nose instead ?

You could do that too, if you have a decent husband and it’s just a lack of communication.

The majority of these types of men choose to become like this, lazy, entitled, using. Why should a woman have to ask a man to behave properly?

Then if clear communication doesn't work, their wives/partners should leave them and find someone better. Not attempt to enforce good behaviour with sex. That's just...grim.

Same situation with my husband. Communication seems to have fallen down. Combined with that I’m worn out with working, managing most stuff in the house and we have two severely disabled children. DH seems to ignore me in favour of his phone. Hugs only appear when he wants to have sex. We don’t seem to be in a place where we can have a conversation about it. I just want to be looked after and loved.

I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences with men, but this is complete and utter bullshit. As for training a man like a dog? WTF?

It IS possible to have a mutually equal and fulfilling relationship with a man. I've been in one for 30 years. DH has far more empathy than me. He's also much more affectionate without expecting sex than I am.

Of course you should leave them. In the real world, people can’t just up and leave marriages quickly and giving advice to this lady to bash her head against a wall and talk to a man who is CHOOSING this behaviour is futile.

Men learn through action. I’m sorry this offends so many of you to hear.

She shouldn't. If he won't respond to a conversation, being single is the preferable choice.

Why should they have to converse about how to treat her properly at all? Why is this a conversation that needs to be had? Did he always behave like this? I doubt it.

And agreed on being single.

No, because this isn't learning. This is just them realising how to get what they want. It's a manipulative relationship on both sides - her bargaining sex for empathy and him empathy for sex. That's toxic.

In the real world, people don't behave like this. And when they do, it ends in tears. Because it's wrong. Where's the mutual respect? All you're doing is advising women to give up self respect.

When my DH and I have a problem, we discuss it like rational human beings. We don't manipulate each other and hope for the best. Again, that's fucking grim.

Because conversations are how humans communicate. Unless you enter a shop and just stare at the assistant expecting them to know what you want?

The relationship isn’t respectful, her husband makes her feel like a thot. Due to this, I’m going to make the assumption that he is pretty toxic already.

If I’m wrong, communication is key. If I’m right, train him to make your life better until you can gtfo because I can guarantee talking will do nothing.

Ladies, I agree with you on dumping the guy. However, marriage and kids is a trap for many many women. I come with advice (that actually works) and a very dark sense of humour. Forgive me 🙏

I’m assuming he wasn’t like this before. Did he forget how to behave like a husband and now needs clear instructions to function as one?

Exactly what I thought.

Glad to have amused y’all. It can get pretty dry around here 👍🏻

So your argument, is ' why should a woman have to talk with him? She should just use sexual access to her body as a training tool instead?'

This is seriously fucked up. If your H is not one of the decent ones, the answer is not to train him with access to your body. The answer is to get yourself in a position to leave him.