Nothing nothing sex

[smalltroll]

Hi all,

Me and dh no longer have sex. We have been married a while and have two primary age children. I know the lack of sex is not something dh is happy with but he doesn't often initiate anyway these days.

The problem is, I have made it clear to him that the lack of any physical touch and emotional connection outside of the bedroom is what has killed my sex drive but nothing changes.

I understand that people have different love languages, and dh does things for me such as acts of service, but he doesn't bother with me for days then all of a sudden becomes interested in me, it's very off putting and makes me feel used. There will be no kisses or hugs, no chats etc then on the day he wants sex, all of a sudden he's touching my bum or something.

When I bring this up he says that I don't initiate any physical contact either, which is true, but I don't then expect sex or suddenly start showing an interest one day knowing that's where I want it to lead.

I don't feel I can be physically affectionate outside the bedroom because any touch leads to dh thinking that we are going to have sex.

I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like as I have no reference from childhood. We are good together in all other aspects of life. Is this fixable?

Why do men have to muscle in on Mumsnet? It’s creepy…

Unfortunately it's s vicious cycle. You don't feel loved or your cup does not get filled because you don't get that emotional connection. He does not feel loved or that connection because he does not get sex. It sounds like you and dh needs different things to feel connected to your spouse. It's not always the case but often a man wants to be physically connected to his wife in order to be emotionally connected and a wife wants to be emotionally connected before being physically connected. (I'm sure it can be the other way round too)

And now no one feels connected because no one is willing to have some discomfort.

Honestly, obviously you could keep asking your husband to give you emotional connectivity and non sexual touch. And he should be doing it.
But is it working?
You can stand your ground and that's your choice.
My honest honest opinion.. You could be the one to serve first.
It goes against mumsnet's modern, anti patriarchy mindset, but of you think clearly, you're not really much better than him, if you don't seek to fill his cup.
And again you're not technically wrong, but is it long term healthy for the marriage.

I've made many excuses in my mind as to why my dh and I are not having sex, why I'm not apologising when I did something wrong, why I'm short with him, why I'm not doing xyz. 'but he was short/rude first, he does not give my what I need, BLA BLA BLA.
But none of that helped my marriage .
You don't have to do it, but I suspect you'd get much better results if you try for one week, to put your own wants second.
Set yourself a challenge, how can I serve my husband this week? Sex every other night? Let's go!
You can always revert back to the status quo if it didn't work after a week or two.

Imo a marriage sometime need you to be second in line. Sometimes it takes you to break the cycle, be the first to apologise and make amends, even if you weren't the one who started. Do you want the marriage to work ? Or would you rather move on? In all relationships, you have to be the bigger person sometimes.

Again, you can stand on your rights, but is that bringing you anywhere? Are you achieving something?

Karen Gurney How To Not Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life

It's a really common issue.

I didn’t derail her thread, I actually think it’s a success. It perhaps never occurred to her that a man could play games like this. Women have too much empathy.

She mentioned several things which stood out to me as manipulative. Behaviours that toxic men play out.

The reaction to my comment about men lacking empathy and being similar to dogs and in need of training 🐶🗞️😄

I’ll stop. OP best wishes. You’re worth being loved, without transaction. Realise it today 💖

Have only read page 1, but in a way I agree with @Bangwam1 (edited cause I got the name wrong)
With my ex there was no communication and he only hugged me (pestered really, and then worse) when he wanted sex. Communication was impossible with him. It was like banging my head against a brick wall.
If you are there OP you really need to prepare to separate.

In a loving relationship you have these conversations without stress or guilt. It was such a revelation with my now DH. We can hug and cuddle without it leading to sex. Even if one of us is hoping it will lead to sex but the other one is not up for it, it is fine. Then we just cuddle and don’t have sex.
We actually have sex a lot more frequently (and enjoyably) because we both know we can also change our minds if the fancy then takes us, and no one will be playing stupid mind games.

I think the training him poster has a point, it's obviously not training like a dog but men are different to women it's a fact. Giving him positive feedback/ interaction when he's acting how she likes will encourage him to be like this more in the future.
I'm sure OP has had this conversation that posters are so helpfully suggesting she has with her husband.

You wouldn’t ’want’ to, but you might ‘have’ to.

Sorry, am I in an alternative reality where people aren’t trapped in marriages for various reasons?

This place could be so much better with more gen x, millennials and z. It’s changing 😊

🤢

OP, best of luck. Please don't listen to nonsense like this. You're worth so much more than humiliating sex to train someone, and falling into being equally manipulative won't make you feel better.

Did you used to be flirty outside the bedroom at one point in the relationship or is this something that has never happened?

My husband and I are naturally flirty with eachother (not just when we want sex just on a daily basis). Or we will give eachother a hug or a kiss through the day, or even a hand hold or foot rub. But it's not something either of us really think about doing it just comes naturally.

You have young children, do you ever spend any time just you and him? Date night or anything like that? It's really important to make time for yourselves as a couple💜 we have 3 children who are 7, 3 & 2 (plus im 32 weeks pregnant) but we still try to make time for eachother. It doesn't have to be a thing of quantity either, as long as its quality x

That's your opinion but mumnet is for parents by parents im a parent so I use this site so by your definition being a parent is creepy?

@Blueeyedmale we all know it's not really for men. Can't keep them out but a lot of us prefer threads where they don't show up. They've got the rest of the bloody world.

No idea. I guess you'd never know...until you have a conversation about it!

No men muscling in on female conversation is creepy. There IS a dadsnet.

Of course it's fixable. It's like with any relationship; whether that's with family or friends, things are rarely perfect and often need work and better communication.

Try increasing your physical affection towards him. Let him know you're not looking for sex but want to start having more hugs. Build it up.

But also, having sex often increases the intimacy outside the bedroom, at least I've found. So perhaps up the sex and see if it leads to more touch.

Just like animals settle into routines, as do most humans. No sex leads to less intimacy. The only way to kickstart it is to make a change.

Sorry I must have missed the warning when it said female replies only by the OP I do sincerely apologise for missing that

Absolutely batshit nonsense.

OP - yes, it’s fixable. You need a couples therapist specialising in sex and relationships. An impartial third party can help you both communicate your needs and move you into a space where you both feel you’re getting what you want and need from the relationship.

I am gen x.

OP tried, multiple times

Your apology is accepted, now off you pop.

In that case, he's a lost cause and she's better off single.

👍🏻

Thank you but I'm still happy to contribute my opinions until the admin tell me otherwise enjoy the rest of your evening

I don’t agree that things are always fixable. What happens if you have sex after having a conversation about general intimacy and emotional connection and the partner doesn’t change? I’ve had numerous conversations with my DH about how I’m overwhelmed, emotionally wrung out and I just need a bit more help but nothing changes so I don’t feel like sex. He in turn then becomes very cold and ignores me even more. Some men don’t want to change.

@smalltroll What on earth is "emotional connection"?

Misandry, weird, horrid, inaccurate, and insulting to men, women and dogs