Nothing nothing sex

[smalltroll]

Hi all,

Me and dh no longer have sex. We have been married a while and have two primary age children. I know the lack of sex is not something dh is happy with but he doesn't often initiate anyway these days.

The problem is, I have made it clear to him that the lack of any physical touch and emotional connection outside of the bedroom is what has killed my sex drive but nothing changes.

I understand that people have different love languages, and dh does things for me such as acts of service, but he doesn't bother with me for days then all of a sudden becomes interested in me, it's very off putting and makes me feel used. There will be no kisses or hugs, no chats etc then on the day he wants sex, all of a sudden he's touching my bum or something.

When I bring this up he says that I don't initiate any physical contact either, which is true, but I don't then expect sex or suddenly start showing an interest one day knowing that's where I want it to lead.

I don't feel I can be physically affectionate outside the bedroom because any touch leads to dh thinking that we are going to have sex.

I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like as I have no reference from childhood. We are good together in all other aspects of life. Is this fixable?

So he has no respect for her, so she should make it worse by shagging him when she doesn't want to in order to manipulate him into respecting her?

If this is dark humour, it's not really the place when OP is upset and struggling. It's not funny or good advice. It's just basically telling OP to degrade herself.

Sex therapist?

What absolute bollocks. OP please don't take this advice

Sex as a reward to give my husband for good behaviour 🤮

I'm a man and I'm wtf at this comment also

Hi thanks all for the replies. Even the training him one.

No he wasn't like this in the beginning. It started after dc and then slowly got worse.

We have had many conversations about this. He says he thinks he's doing it right but can't understand why I'm still unhappy. He sees his acts of service as loving and respecting me. It's like it's just easier to forget. I don't know if it's conscious or we are just so far into the rut it's become natural to be this way. I can't keep having the same conversation. So it's leave or put up with it. I wonder if I can explain it in a different way that might make better sense to him.

That’s weird 🙄

In the real world, Grown ups have conversations and don’t treat their partners like dogs.

I'm sorry but is there any research that confirms your...erm.. hypothesis? Also, why on earth do you think it is acceptable to "train" another human being? Unless you are in a sub/Dom relationship with clearly defined rules and consent, this is not a language to use in a relationship.

It’s a really common thing to happen after kids OP, starting a family can take its toll on your relationship in all sorts of ways. If he would be willing to go to a sex therapist then great but it can be daunting and expensive! The book “how not to let having kids ruin your sex life” could be helpful especially if he would be willing to read with you and engage in the process. I hope things improve fir you soon.

I don't believe for a second this poster has even successfully done it. It's the kind of language used by either embittered people with failed relationships, or those New Age types who think we need to lean into our femininity so men can walk in their masculinity. 🤢

Maybe just start from scratch.

Everyday, without fail, both make time for hugs which either does or doesn't lead to anything, just go with the flow with it.
I think that will help build the closeness between you again, and make way for the emotional connection. Even just sitting next to eachtother on the sofa will do if it feels odd to begin with.
I can't imagine this is how things were for you to begin with, it's just life with work and kids thrown in.
Make it lighthearted and fun, share jokes etc.

Ah, a man who changed after children and doesn’t listen to conversations. Not shocked.

Leave or train. People think I’m cold but personally I think it’s colder to play with someone like the OPs husband does. If we’re going to play, let’s play without my emotions involved.

I think you really just need to be explicit. I think we are all sometimes guilty of expecting the other understand what we mean by only providing broad brush information. I can be guilty of that too. Having spent many (un)happy hours telling my partner that I don't feel valued, the penny finally dropped that he has no idea what I am on about. So I am being explicit - I want to cuddle before bed, I want you to come and give me a kiss before you leave for work in the morning, I want a date night every Thursday, I want an evening without you looking at your phone etc.
I know people would be around to say, oh you shouldn't have to spell it out. But why not? If tables were turned, I am sure you would be delighted to know exactly what makes your partner happy and not have to guess.

It's a tough one to reverse once momentum is lost and you are in a rut

If a man is trying to train me (as this man has done to OP) I won’t be begging him to be the man I married. I’m going to learn his games.

OP it’s completely normal to need emotional intimacy. Your husband knows how to do it, he chooses not to.

People are allowed to have “dry” conversations about relationship issues 🙄

Does dry involve useless?

Look, I told the lady that conversations are futile, did you see her follow up? I was right. The man is manipulative.

I gave her practical advice for dealing with a toxic man who makes her feel worthless. Train or leave, it’s the only way with toxic men. Sorry, just is 🤷‍♀️

Why would you want to train a toxic man? Nothing about that is normal or healthy.

It's just a bit merrily ironic that your lack of empathy is almost deafening.

It's not merely that you make such groundless generalisations about fifty percent of the human race. It's also that you presume to speak with such undentable authority on behalf of the other fifty percent.

I hope you're not rewarding your dog with sex in return for good behaviour 😳😂

You've successfully derailed OP's thread with this crap. You do have a particular skill, but it's not the one you seem to think.

I'll say it again; if a man (or woman, romantic or platonic) is manipulative - leave. An eye for an eye is just fucking absurd and it's actually embarrassingly cringy.

I have nothing more to say tbh so I'm leaving the thread before poor OP just watches it descend for another few pages. I reckon that's only polite, given OP has a problem and all you want to do is prove some ridiculous point.

OP, I'd ask MN to remove this to Relationships tbh. And hope you don't get followed there by the snout bonker.

I would agree with the PP who said to explain what you want and be explicit- a kiss goodbye, a hug when you get in.

My DH and I can't have sex because of my menopause (which I'm dealing with), but we have lots of intimate moments. Kisses every time we see each other, for example when he brings up a delivery, or when i pop down for lunch (we both WFH). In our medium sized kitchen we complain how small it is, that we have to squeeze past each other, so we have a huge or something more titillating.

We also have non-sexual hugs when one of us is having a bad time (do you need a hug? etc).

I would recommend you see a relationship therapist together so he can hear your needs in a neutral space and you can hear his.

It's also important to remember that sex is a tiny part of a relationship, even when you're at it every day. For the other 23.5 (or so) hours a day, the relationship is not about sex. This is not to say you must bear it because it's only a little time (in case any posters want to imply that). It's to say that you can reframe your marriage as something more than sex.

Or as I call it "foreplay" 😂

What utter, stereotyped, regressive, twaddle.

Tickle his belly ‘til he wags his tail 🐶