Nothing nothing sex

[smalltroll]

Hi all,

Me and dh no longer have sex. We have been married a while and have two primary age children. I know the lack of sex is not something dh is happy with but he doesn't often initiate anyway these days.

The problem is, I have made it clear to him that the lack of any physical touch and emotional connection outside of the bedroom is what has killed my sex drive but nothing changes.

I understand that people have different love languages, and dh does things for me such as acts of service, but he doesn't bother with me for days then all of a sudden becomes interested in me, it's very off putting and makes me feel used. There will be no kisses or hugs, no chats etc then on the day he wants sex, all of a sudden he's touching my bum or something.

When I bring this up he says that I don't initiate any physical contact either, which is true, but I don't then expect sex or suddenly start showing an interest one day knowing that's where I want it to lead.

I don't feel I can be physically affectionate outside the bedroom because any touch leads to dh thinking that we are going to have sex.

I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like as I have no reference from childhood. We are good together in all other aspects of life. Is this fixable?

Sorry to hear you are in similar situations @ConsternationStation and @Triedandbroken

Hi OP, what was your sex life like before you had kids? Did you have kids quite quickly or were you together for years beforehand?

Sex can be difficult once kids come along. There can be subconscious and conscious fears they’ll overhear or walk in. You can’t be as spontaneous when the mood takes you. You tend to see each other in sensible (and exhausted) ‘mum and dad’ mode, rather than hot lover. It’s more difficult to do the things that led to sex in the past, like big nights out (hangovers and toddlers don’t mix). Even if you book a romantic night away without the kids, it can put huge pressure on you both to have sex, which can be awful if you don’t feel like it.

Plus, by the time most couples have kids, they’ve usually been together a while. As with all longer term relationships, even without kids, the novelty can wear off and sex can start to become a bit boring and familiar. So needs working at. Not to mention perimenopause and general tiredness from stressful jobs.

Sex isn’t always regular when you have younger kids. But once they’re older and out on their own more, not to mention once they’ve moved out, many couples (if they’ve lasted the distance) get a renewed sex life as they move from being a family unit to a couple again. For lots of couples, it can feel even better than pre-kids as your connection is so much deeper.

So, don’t get too worried. But try to have sex sometimes, as lack of intimacy can chip away at relationships. Quality’s more important than quantity. Amazing sex one a month is better than awful, lie-back-and-think-of-England, formulaic sex every week. You’ve told your DH what will get you in the mood: regular physical affection from him without feeling it must lead to sex. He should take than on board. But might help you to think what you can do to get yourself in the mood. What would get you excited with a new lover? Maybe feeling you look good, doing something new or meeting in an hotel? Whatever floats your boat.

And you may just not enjoy sex. Some people don’t. That’s fine too. You shouldn’t feel obliged to have sex with anyone. But it’s only fair you explain that to your DH and be prepared he doesn’t want to be in a sexless relationship.

This sounds like a very different situation.. OP says everything else in her marriage is great and her husband does a lot for her.

Sometimes I think it's better to physically show than to try to talk about things too much. He's clearly not getting the talking part.
You say he wants you for one thing then leaves you for days, I have to say that's quite normal, drive wise.
What I suggest you try is teasing him for an extra day or two. Keep that pot simmering in the background where you can keep going back to it now and again. That way you are getting a bit more affection and then a bit of space afterwards to build back up to the simmering again. Works for me after almost 2 decades 😁

It boils down to the following.

"What is the point of me coming anywhere near you if I'm not getting a fuck out of it", said by man or woman, is deeply unattractive and makes the recipient feel like a sex object. It can be said or acted out, the result is the same. There's no happy way out of it until the one with that attitude understands their partner is another human being, not just a hole or a pole when they're feeling horny. Sadly, there's not many people who want to admit they're that much of a selfish bastard.

It's why it's best to divorce in this situation as many do

So true. I honestly think some people in long term relationships behave in ways they’d never consider in new relationships. Not just expecting sex without making an effort to make someone feel special and desired. But in some cases, basics like personal hygiene or making an effort to look good. Or thinking of fun/romantic things to do on dates.

Some men, in particular, seem to expect sex from their wife/partner, while at the same time leaving them to feel like a drudge at home, carrying most of the mental load, housework and childcare.

This.

You need to increase the physical interaction. This will make you feel closer to him, you are doing this for both of you and your relationship. He isn’t gonna to initiate this as it’s not natural to him. Why don’t you give him a hug before work when there is no time for sex or tell him what you’re doing and that a hug isn’t going to lead to sex. Do some date nights. If neither of you make any changes, you will continue to grow apart. Relationships take work from both parties. And it sounds like you don’t want to have sex with him. So he probably doesn’t feel like hugging you so you’re stuck.

The clue’s in the name 😆

For parents by parents and there are many women on this site that are not parents but I don't see you quoting the clue in the name to them but like I said yesterday if admin are not happy with me being here then that's fine but as they have not told me otherwise I will continue to give my opinion.

@Bangwam1 Out of interest, are you male or female?

Just popping back to add that I tried very hard to talk to my XP about this issue. It just did not compute. Because HE wanted sex every time he laid a hand on me, he just assumed that I felt the same. He couldn't see the point in cuddling, holding hands or any other non-sexual touch. It didn't help that we didn't live together, so, in his mind, obviously every time we met up, it must be for sex.

He couldn't get his head around the fact that women don't always think the same way as men. Once I entered menopause and my sex drive departed completely I couldn't carry on in the relationship, because he didn't think that having sex with no desire for it was any big deal.

You are in a vicious circle, men generally give the emotional when they get the physical and women don’t give the physical without the emotional, nothing will change unless you both start trying to change.

Jeez.

Have you got the day off?

(Edit) I read the thread wrong, not sure how to delete this comment but it still stands to anyone that might need it 😅.

I haven’t read every message so not sure if it’s been mentioned but to anyone in a relationship that have had issues where their partner doesn’t initiate, show affection and are a bit short about the whole thing and even try to avoid the topic completely please ask them to get a testosterone test. For 17 years I struggled with this (I’m only 35) my husband started trt in September and by October he’s a whole new man sexually. It’s like he sees me now, he’s even noticing my clothes which is ridiculous. We are having the best time due to low dose trt, through a private clinic because the nhs are terrible. So please ask your husband to get a blood test that includes trt and estrogen.

I read once that men with low trt don’t care or want to have sex, it’s like they are numb. They see you but don’t care it’s as if they see a nice delicious dinner but they’re not hungry for it. (Best way to explain it)

one last thing, if your husband is also avoidant to share love and affection, it came out my husband did this because he was worried it would go further and he wasn’t sure if he’d fancy it. I’d say my sex life 1 time a month (me initiating) to now it’s random, sometimes it’s 1/2 times a week and other times it’s 4 times per week (him every-time initiating). He is loads more adventurous too.It’s just like he woke up and saw me for the first time. Ladies get them checked <3

To be honest, it sounds like you both need to make some effort and some compromise. One way or another, both are necessary in a happy marriage/partnership. You are blaming your husband for the issue, but then admit you don’t show any signs of affection either, adding that you don’t want sex, like that makes it okay. It doesn’t. If you want this relationship to last, don’t just expect him to get it all right while you make no effort. Either talk it through and agree a way forward with you both being caring and affectionate to each other, or go to couples counselling.

Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist? Me and dh were in exactly the same rut after having kids and making no time for each other. Things reached a head earlier this year when I caught him online with a cam girl while I was asleep.
I was on the verge of walking but decided that 20 years of marriage was worth fighting for. We found a therapist eventually and things have improved greatly as you realise sex is actually least of the issues, lack of communication on both of our parts was a major contributing factor.
We’re still seeing the therapist and have a long way to go but I’m glad we finally did something about our relationship.

Hello, if it helps my DH is the same… well not to the degree you’ve described but he definitely turns up the affection when he ‘wants it’. He’s also a very routine affectionate person I.e kisses before work and when he returns. He’s not overly touchy feely otherwise... and I guess it’s always bothered me to a degree.
When it comes to sex we’re first time parents to a toddler who is a hand full and we both work full time. It’s exhausting and the intimacy is lacking and we’ve both identified it, we still enjoy sex but we’ve acknowledged we must make time for each other.. and we try to book a night away together every so often to reconnect. We usually remember why we like each other at some point in the 24 hours away from parenthood and the closeness/affection is better from my DH :)
It definitely sounds like it’s become a cycle and a routine for him. Not saying you need all the responsibility but maybe making set time for each other may inspire some closeness! Also.. if you can afford it and your DH would be up for it couples counselling can be really good for airing frustrations and opening communication- which in turn can help with connection/closeness!

You can ask for Relate counselling and get psychosexual therapy which is aimed at improving communication and intimacy.

'Love language' [puke]. If you love someone you show love in a way that makes THEM happy. From both sides equally. Otherwise it's no love at all.

I think you might me married to my exH!!

On the days he does want it, just say you need to have cuddles first, and that way you get what you need too

This sounds to be very good advice