To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

100%. When consenting adults have sex they’re both equally responsible for contraception. Not only to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. But to avoid spreading/catching STDs.

If someone’s too ‘innocent’ and/or sexually inexperienced to be aware of this, especially when having sex with someone they’ve only just met, perhaps they shouldn’t be having sex.

Men who say ‘she told me she was on the pill’ are clearly not aware of STDs and aren’t taking any responsibility for themselves. A man can check if a condom burst or came off.

Will you be paying University fees? How are they planning to fund that?

So she was a ‘poor villager’ that tricked a wealthy boy? V clever indeed. He and his parents should have seen that one coming…

if if was my son I would say do a dna test and you don’t actually have to marry her. Notice she rushed the marriage through. Again clever.

I'd never have lent them all that money. You'll most likely never get it back.

Wonder if your brother is also taking you for person with more money than sense.

If he is overseas working …. He can ask his employer for a loan, or just get one from a bank.

You must stop now. They are not acting broke. You will never get your money back.

You need to tell them you can no longer help. I would tell them that your own circumstances have changed. And they need to find a way to pay school fees, you just can’t. You are so sorry, but you just don’t have money (to throw away)

BIL doesn't sound as innocent as OP makes him out to be

It’s 2 years for the nephew and one for the niece which is presumably why OP very, very kindly agreed - it really is very detrimental for kids to move school half way through their A levels.

@Getonwitit
BIL says he knows she spends too much but it is because she didn't have nice things growing up. He is so soft.

Trouble is if she keeps on spending they could lose everything and it's 10 times worse not having things when you have got used to having them

They both need to grow up

Its complete nonsense is what it is. People shrewd enough to become wealthy and hold down jobs that keep spendthrift SAHMs and put kids through private schools are not typically so naive. I mean, surely every business associate would see them coming too, a fool and his money are parted in more ways than one. The OP just doesn't want to face the unpalatable truth that this 'tart' is bringing something to the table her BiL wants very much indeed. So much so he will burn through his own money and them theirs to keep her happy. And that's entirely on him.

Important not to have double standards.

Frequently, there are MN threads where women are apparently being emotionally and financially abused, and maybe can’t see they are or don’t feel strong enough to end the relationship (‘he’s the love of my life, how would I cope alone’ etc). They tend to be mainly be treated with empathy and support. They’re told they’re strong and must set boundaries.

IMHO it’s important men in a similar situation aren’t described as ‘weak’ or ‘soft’. Anyone can end up in a controlling or abusive relationship. They usually need support to see it and find the strength to address it or leave. I’m not saying this is the case for your BIL. But sounds to me he may need support to avoid being dragged into serious debt or bankruptcy in later life, and losing everything he’s worked so hard for.

How do you know he was still a virgin at 29… weird

BIL says he knows she spends too much but it is because she didn't have nice things growing up.

Therapy would probably have been cheaper!

I mean she's a spendthrift & he gives her free rein for a new kitchen?

Your BIL isn’t exactly coming across as the decent person you think he is. Why couldn’t he remortgage? Bridging loan? Personal loan with a bank? Selling the cars/investments?

I can’t even describe how dire things would have to be to borrow a large sum of money from my siblings. The fact he even asked you says a lot about him. I would have gone down every avenue including withdrawing the kids from private school before asking my sibling for a loan. Especially as it is your inheritance! He sounds as bad as she is frankly.

Are you sure you know who is funding this trip?
It may be her new friend?

You don't like her, it's clear.
I'd leave it up to your brother to decide a course of action, you've already loaned the money I assume?

So what sort is f bracket is his Annual salary in?

how much do you think she is spending each month, I mean do you not think that she is rinsing him? Surely if they are paying the credit cards off, and you a monthly fee then has she took more debt out do you think?

There is absolutely nothing to see here. OP has lent money with a schedule in place and payments are being met.

If she assumed BIL and SIL would be humbler or would change in any way because of her support, then she was wrong. She should have no expectations other than her money back, on time.

Although I suspect none of this is real, I’m going to bang on about the pregnancy timeline again.
3 weeks between first sex at ‘NYE young farmers bash’ and pregnancy announcement. 21st Jan
Two months after pregnancy announcement they got married 21st March
Seven months after wedding baby was born 21st October.
That is a 9 month and 3 week pregnancy. How was the ‘ensnaring vixen’ already pregnant on NYE?

If this isn't a wind up, you are mad.

You're actually prolonging the inevitable and it's costing you. This will just drag on and on until your BIL mans up and sorts himself out and ditches her. He won't whilst you bail him/them out. The DC won't suffer having to leave a fee paying school. They will suffer having to continue to live in this fascade.

Your opinion of SIL is riddled with jealousy and class snobbery. Your only concern in all of this is to make sure your very unwise loan is repaid according to the legal agreement. Stop dragging up the past and intervening in a grown man’s marriage.

Really? Pure coincidence? Forgive my scepticism.

You seem to know a lot of very personal stuff about their lives. Your 29-year-old 'virgin' BIL. Really? How soon they had sex. How is this your business? Her motives. How could you possibly know?

I'm not convinced by any of this. The only thing that is clear is that you don't like her.

I thought the same. It doesn’t add up at all

So they have been together 17 -18 years
making him 46 and you 62?
Did you not think it would be a good idea to keep your inheritance for your retirement or for your own DC if you have any?

op apparently has 3
and also grandchildren

Then she is either very wealthy, extremely foolish or a troll