To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

I would tell your BIL that he needs to sort out his life.

She can't tell him how to live his life. It's his life, not hers. She can offer her opinion if he's given any indication that he gives a shit about it, but he knows at least as much about his life as she does and at present he is choosing the situation he's in.

I’d tell your BIL where she is.
Then reiterate the loan has to be paid back in 5years. As they won’t have school fees soon let’s hope that means you get the money back.

Assuming day school fees of course, three years of boarding is a lot ! With her spending habits she’ll need to work.

It's still not the OPs problem to solve though.

Except the baby wasn’t his. SIL clearly tricked him into marriage by letting him believe that she’d fallen pregnant

Another fool who hasn't heard of contraception then!

I'd rather be married to a cheater than a spendthrift. Do you think there is any chance he will dump her?

It can be legally binding all it wants but coming to enforce it against someone who has no money is another thing. Do they own a home / have assets?

You have a loan agreement that you say is legally binding and they're meeting the payments. Nothing beyond that is your business. You were happy with the amount and rate of payments, so them having spare cash outside that isn't anything to do with you.

She might be putting it on credit cards again, for all you know. Either way, as long as they're meeting the agreement you can't dictate anything else. Your brother in law is a weak fool, but that’s not your problem. Legally binding agreements are binding on both parties, you can’t unilaterally change it based on their finances any more than she can.

Watch Poldark! Happened there. Baby born too soon for the dates and is therefore labelled as premature. But in fact has been cooking for longer. Classic age-old trick…

@Getonwitit The SIL sounds awful and I'd be equally annoyed. However, you say 'fast forward to now and she has never worked' yet also ask 'Would I be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day' so that sounds like she has obtained a job since you lent the money? Is it not also possible that the trip was already arranged prior to the summer?

Your BIL need to know if he doesn't already. And they need to figure out a way to pay you back.i wouldn't begrudge her normal small treats but a Europe spa break is taking the piss when your pleading poverty.

No need for contraception when you are already preggers. The guy didn’t know that though, and should have used it for sure. Maybe he did, but she said it failed.

It all sounds very bridget jones.

Tarts and farmers.

Reckon they are boarding school?, costly. What with both parents away and countryside theme.

I wouldn't have paid in the first place. You're just helping him to enable her. Cut the buggers off. If the money goes, she'll probably bugger off with someone and he can rebuild his life.

Exactly and op will be the bad guy, more so than if she said no from the start, been there. Say no at the beginning always…

Sorry, not a chance of me fancying him for a start he is 16 years younger than me and far too immature.

It appears thst your BILs stupidity has become contagious as now you and you DH are impacted.

BUL has been beyond damn stupid but you aren't helping him by lending money. You are compounding the issue.

By all means support him, but emotionally and if ever helping financially again let it be for legal fees or a divorce or housing if he leaves her.

She’s a selfish cow and he’s a mug really. I think you’ve done a kind thing and it’s not for them it’s for your niece and nephew. But i understand your rage. Once the kids have finished school though don’t lend them anything again.

If he defaults what will you do?

Possible.

Op writes it as if it was a ons so he would have been very foolish not to use contraception.

Seems as if she targeted him for a reason!

Yu are right and it is how i have to look at it. As long as the payments that is all that matters. I am just so bloody cross with her.

No i don't think he will ever divorce her.

You will have to enforce it OP, they won’t pay you voluntarily, not the full amount. If you want it back, make sure your paperwork is watertight and ask if you can hold an asset of theirs if they have one.

If a loan repayment is based on a ‘what if’ it will fail. Like will pay back when you get a job or other situation.

How any zeros are we talking here?
10k, 50k 100 k or more ?

Great advice but i just want to shake him and tell him to wake up. His brother { my DH) has tried and BIL says he knows she spends too much but it is because she didn't have nice things growing up. He is so soft.