To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

Possibly to flag that he didn't see her coming i.e. innocent young man with a good heart who trusted. If he had been around the block a few times, he would have seen her coming.

Never loan money to someone that you can't hurt if they don't pay it back.
Finance 101.

How would she know he's a virgin. None of my previous boyfriend have ever told me this detail about themselves.

But he was 29 years old! I still don't feel this info was relevant at all.

So he’s approaching 30 and still a virgin, then decides to sleep with a woman he’s just met that very night?

How do you know? Tarts usually earn a fair bit of money, she seems to be brassic except for you bailing her out.

I do feel for you, Getonwithit. Just don't do it again.

As her children are coming to the end of school, she could work full time or at least more hours than she does.

Nasty

Sorry, there’s theee sides to every story and I’d love to hear hers- I’ve heard this narrative where a sahm is ‘spending all the money’ meaning buying for themselves hole the ‘poor man is out working all the time (pretty much by choice as they want to advance their career) etc etc. for all you know she got gifts/ is staying in a friends house etc etc. (you’re maybe totally right but the male narrative is very regularly that anything they don’t spend is actually unnecessary spending)

I wouldn't have given her a penny but for the fact the children would have had to move school.

You're a good woman @Getonwitit I don't blame you for being angry with your SiL, (and your BiL for being a wimp). If the money is for the children's schools, as others say, pay it straight to the school.

And maybe - without throwing more good money after bad - get a solicitor to draw up a document with a repayment plan, and a mortgage on their house.

But I fear you'll not see any of your money back. Your SiL sounds like a nasty piece of work. I'm not one for cutting off family, but I wouldn't be having her in my house.

You need first of all to accept that the support you are providing to your BiL does not enable you to control his wife. How she has behaved within their marriage is none of your business. Its entirely up to your BiL to manage. Now, you may feel he is managing it badly, and in doing so your money is being wasted. In which case you need to speak to him and tell him you are not prepared to loan money while he and his wife are mismanaging their finances. Your BiL is an adult (you speak of him as a manipulated child) and needs to step up and take responsibility for his finances, rather than hiding behind his wife's spending as though he is powerless, when as the earner, he is clearly not.

Well, since the daughter isn't is so the now wife was already pregnant, in this case it would appear to.

It does make sense, your reading comprehension is just off.

This is like a story.

I can see an old man peering over a book and reading :

"It all started at the young farmers new years eves bash. An innocent virgin was lured into a room by a vixen and she seduced him for her own means."

You will never see that money again.
And your BIL needs to get rid of the lying, money grabbing cow. She has done a real number on him lying about a pregnancy to trap him into marriage! Now she's rinsing him for all he's got and your family is footing the bill. How can you stand to be around her?

Oh how ridiculous. OP's just bloody furious that SIL is spending money that isn't hers to spend.
If SIL has cash to spend on spa weekends, she should put that towards her children's fees.

Sorry I think I've missed an important bit here. Has a payment been missed @Getonwitit - is SIL having fun whilst neglecting her repayments to you?

I think you are unreasonable to air someone else's 18 year old dirty laundry.

Your BIL married her. Your BIL found out the baby wasn't his and chose to stay. Its really got fuck all to do with the loan.

Imo, you know she's reckless and irresponsible wiry spending yet you still chose to loam them the school fees. You can't dictate anything apart from payment terms. How she lives her life isn't your business unless the payments are missed. Even then your recourse is to stop paying the fees and take them to court.

This sounds all really far fetched.

Why didn't your bil ask for a paternity test if there was suspicions over the real father of the child?

Why was he in such a hurry to marry? Just because someone is pg doesn't mean you have to get married in a rush in 21st century.

Anyway you've drawn up legal protection whilst loaning them the money so you're alright.

So why get het up now about your sil? Why bother?

It's between her and your bil now so just leave them to it. Say no to more loans. Be thankful you're financially safe and savvy. And get on with your lovely life.

I worry that they’ll be in debt to you at a tune of 60-70k for the three lots of school fees needed to finish their school careers.

To pay that back in 5 years (without interest, which I hope you HAVE added on) is between £1000-1170/m. That’s more than my mortgage. Both me and my husband work good jobs and if we were in debt (so already have large sums to pay each month on that) I don’t think there’s any chance we could also pay you that back.
I hope you’ve leant without the expectation of actually getting paid back. What sort of income does your BIL bring home?

I don’t think you’re wrong to dislike/hate her. She sounds utterly awful and has shown the reasons why emphatically. Your BIL has put up with her abuse, because it’s easier and he works off shore. Maybe there’s the worry that she’d stop him seeing his daughter. BUT….he was able to hide away offshore. He left his children with an abuser. I wouldn’t respect him for that.

Except the baby wasn’t his. SIL clearly tricked him into marriage by letting him believe that she’d fallen pregnant when actually, she already was, and clearly needed a father for her child.

And if this was a woman whose husband had blown all her money on credit card debt, people would be urging her to divorce the cocklodging prick.

I would tell your BIL that he needs to sort out his life. He needs to divorce SIL and she’ll need to get a full-time job because as things stand, she’ll only be entitled to maintenance for one of her children, given he isn’t the father of the other one. If he’s a decent person he will still look out for the other one, but it wouldn’t hurt her to have a bit of a reality check.

And I would pay the school fees directly if you still want your DN’s to go to private school, but personally I would tell them that there’s no money available and they’ll have to go to state.

That's quite an imagination you have there....

Out of interest would you be happy with a woman who lied to one of your relatives about paternity in order to financially abuse them?