To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

With the school thing are you driving on a road known for accidents. I must admit I used to be a bit ahh he hasn’t text and check the news for car crashes on a stretch of road that’s notorious for pile ups.

Heart used to fall out my arse seeing “multi car crash on (road) 3 cars and a lorry involved” be texting like.. you dead or good..??? 😅

Your DH might be overly anxious in some respects but this might be a reaction to how blase you are about, well, everything.

Of course, I lock the doors. Why would I want a random person to be able to get into my property, especially if I was home alone or with kids?

FWIW, I once lived somewhere very safe and an escaped convict briefly ran through my garden. If the door had been unlocked, he may well have tried coming into the house. It's genuinely not a scenario I would have predicted, but it doesn't bear thinking about.

The chances of a criminal entering your unlocked home might not be very high in a low-crime neighbourhood, but why wouldn't you reduce that chance to zero if you could, when it has no negative impact on you, and every positive impact on your DH?

I don't leave expensive things in full view of the window. That goes for both house and car. Shopping goes in the boot, not displayed on the car seats. Again, it's just common sense about reducing the odds to zero.

I don't have family text about drop offs etc but we do have shared tracking, so we don't need to message to see if someone has made it to their destination safely or hasn't been moving for a long time in an odd place. In your case, I don't think this would work for you as you already feel stifled, so a quick "All OK" text doesn't seem like a bad compromise.

I have a feeling you and DH have grown up in very different environments? I live somewhere with quite a high crime rate, so these sort of things are second-nature to me. I wouldn't modify my behaviour anywhere else because there aren't any disadvantages to continuing to make yourself less vulnerable to a passing criminal, even if the odds of one passing are low.

I can see both sides. Your hubby probably has OCD and needs to do this to
know you’re all safe. I’d be worried if he didn’t expect you to go out. My neighbours wife came to the door and she had to unlock the front door, she sighed and said her H wanted her to lock the door as he had a nice new car that he’d bought and there’d been reports in our (very quiet) area of car thefts. Anyone if someone wants to get in they will. Someone broke in to my neightbours house about a month later to get the keys and stole the car! He also locks his side gate!

There's frequently reports on Facebook of people trying doors be it day time or night here in all areas (the posher parts of town as well as the more deprived areas). Unless we are expecting a delivery the front door is locked for safety. If expecting a delivery and you go away from the door for an extended time (a shower rather than just a wee) the doors are locked unless someone else is in the room too. The keys are hung up in the same place each time so no faffing trying to find them at anytime.

I always lock both front door and back door, but then I live in a house where the living room is on the second floor, so I need it for security. I think you should do the same, even the back door. Just because you're sitting 1 metre away from it doesn't mean that someone still can't open it from the outside.
I however don't like his attitude if you don't reply immediately to texts.

Yes of course it is. Unless you live in a really dodgy area.

I suppose it depends where you live. In our quiet Welsh village, we don't get chancers coming into our homes so front and back doors unlocked unless we go out. Whereas a friend in Liverpool, locks up tight. Car, flat, whether she's in or out.
Our crime rate according to our police force is almost zero. Tends to be domestic abuse within the social housing estates, we have two quite close to us

But surely sometimes you leave that room to use the loo or put washing away or see what your kids are up to. Then you are no longer in the same room.

I do see your point though, I would hate to be questioned on why the door is now unlocked. Or multiple phone calls about dropping off children.

Oddly my DP asks if hes to lock the door if he is leaving and I'm not. I dont know why.

I've had car keys and the car stolen from a holiday cottage with a stable door, I'd locked with a key the bottom half and left the top half wide open for the breeze. They came with a pole or something to lift my keys from the other side of the room, I've had 2 women walk into my own house while I was there, unlocked doors, very obviously looking for something to steal, and a home invasion, they had the keys from a previous occupier, I'd not changed the locks from buying the house, I assumed I had all the keys. I now change all locks on purchase. The home invasion didnt end well for me and I wont take chances like that now.

If the above helps you realise why he does the door locking thing, then great.

And he should go get help for the dropping off kids thing.

And please be aware that there are distraction burglaries where one person knocks on the front door to ask a stupid question, meanwhile round the back the other party is entering through the unlocked back door. It happened not far from where I live.
People who have been subject to this sort of crime often feel very unsafe in their own home afterwards.

I'm shocked by how few on this thread feel it's safe to leave doors unlocked when they are at home.

What do people do about downstairs windows? Are they locked all year round?

This would drive me insane!!
We dont even lock our doors when we go to work for the day.
Only time all of the doors are locked are when we are sleeping and sometimes we forget even then.
What are people so scared about? As they say, locks only keep out the honest anyways.

I couldn't live like that, it would be either murder or divorce.

I lock my doors when I'm going to sleep, the key is in the door so I can leave quickly in an emergency, although after around 9.30pm dh will lock the front door if we are all home. I do the others when I go to bed.

If your garden is secure, then there is no reason why the door into it cannot be left open while you are at home, keeping it closed and locked is crazy when you are using it.

Is your dh aware he is treating you like prisoners, and conditioning your dc to being locked inside? The checking up every day would drive ne mad, it seems very controlling.

With the Christmas gifts, put them under the tree on Christmas eve when your curtains are closed. Or just tell him that pretty much every family in the country will have gifts in the living room that night. Is there a reason he thinks you will be targeted over all of your neighbours.

I would hate to be controlled to that degree.

My front and back doors are always locked unless my husband is in the house. The only time I leave it open is if I’m in the kitchen and it’s a nice day but even then I’m paranoid.

I don’t think it was caused by this but I rented a house in a lovely village a few years ago and I was on a teams call with work when a neighbour came through the garden and banged on the back door and tried to open the door. I was heavily pregnant at the time and screamed as it was so unexpected, scared the life out of me. Windy day and she was looking like the librarian out of Ghostbusters. She meant no harm at all but I was so upset.

My husband prefers the doors being locked when he isn’t home also. We just don’t trust anybody sadly. We don’t check in to see if the other got to work etc we use Life360 which shows our live locations. Some people wouldn’t like this I’m sure but he works abroad often and we rarely look at it unless we need to.

Don't most front doors lock automatically? We have a Yale lock which just locks when you close it but would never bother with the double lock when we're in.
I lock the back door before bed but not during the day. Honestly what if there's a fire or something and you need to get out quickly?

And I think people are being super paranoid over the tree and presents too, and I live in London so not a little village.

For me, your DH's anxiety would be unbearable @LotteryFights

A few miles from where I live a man let himself into a woman’s house, just a random house that was unlocked. He murdered her and cut her up, so I just feel safer locking my door and not risk it. It doesn’t take a huge amount of effort to turn a key in a door.

Wow this is an eye opener! It feels so sad to read how many of you don't feel safe with doors unlocked even if you are in the room.We unlock our front door when we go out and lock it when we go to bed, unless we are all in the garden and can't hear the front. I have even been known to nap upstairs alone with the front door unlocked and it opens onto the street. Even before we got the dogs! Back door always unlocked during the day although almost impossible to get into our back garden anyway.

So much anxiety it must be so difficult to live with. Such a shame and what does it say about our world.

Country dweller here. Only lock the doors last thing at night or if the house will be empty. That said, I went on holiday for 2 weeks ad forgot to lock up. Oops.

I wouldn't be that relaxed for insurance purposes. Please check your policy. I was burgled 30 plus years ago. It was very distressing. They jimmied their way in through the back door and left out of the bedroom window upstairs.

So everyone on Mumsnet locks themselves into their homes at all times? Is this the same Mumsnet where everyone would definitely answer the door to any stranger who knocked?

But there is access to the street presumably as you use it as your main access.

We use our back door as our main access as the gate leads directly to the car park, and yes I constantly lock the back door even though our gate is the last in the alleyway so no reason for anyone walk passed or even see the gate.

I'm more relaxed in the summer and have the doors open when the weathers nice but if I'm home alone and go upstairs I shut the back door and the French doors,.

The only way I'd leave the back door unlocked is if there was no access to the back garden other than through the house.

Our doors are always locked. The front door locks itself as we close it when we come in. Someone outside would need a key. To me, this is just basic safety and privacy. The back door needs locking with a key but we keep it locked unless we go into the back garden. Our garden has a high fence with a locked gate but I’d still never leave the back door openable from the outside. If either was unlocked all day I’d feel weird - anyone could test the door and walk straight in! How could I feel safe leaving anything of value downstairs?

We don't have our back door locked, we have a dog and she's in and out all day, ( the front door does lock itself. I think some of this depends on the area you live, we have a (touch wood) low crime rate. Occasionally stuff gets taken from sheds but house burglaries are rare.

I think you need to start with the the checking up texts have an open conversation and say you feel stifled rather than supported by them .

Tell him clearly that you won't be replying to these anymore, you are not being dragged into his anxiety.... if he can't manage that he needs to seek professional support because of the impact it's having on your relationship, and the anxiety is at risk of destroying everything.

I never used to lock my doors but I do now. I know of people who have had burglars enter through unlocked doors. Really not worth the risk to be honest.

I suffer from mild anxiety so I understand how your OH feels, however I am aware that it sometimes makes me worry about things unnecessarily. Can you persuade him to get counselling? One thing I find useful, if I am worrying is to ask myself 'would other people worry about this?' If the answer is no, I then tell myself it's anxiety, not a real worry.

Of the things you've listed, I am with your husband on locking the door - and I live rurally, so I probably don't need to. However the other things I would be less than worried about. Maybe you could move the Christmas tree or put the presents somewhere they are not visible? That said, anxiety is the devil and he will probably find other things to be anxious about even if you do exactly as he asks. So counselling is the way forward in my opinion.

I rented a holiday cottage on a row of identical terraced houses. I went back to the car for the final bag and opened the front door of the home next to the one we had rented! We always keep our doors locked. In the summer the back door is open if we are running in/out.
Him texting you to check you have got to work every day is insane though.