Daughter getting fat in school

[joey197860]

Teenage daughter has gained 22kg in new boarding school. No medical explanation for it and she's very happy, wrll integrated and academically excelling. School has a shop on site and girls have access to kitchen in the evenings. Daughter had major surgery last year and specifically should not eat sugar loaded food. What am I to do? I want to pull her from the school at the end of this term. The school is absolutely no help when I discussed this with them.

Stop trying to guilt the OP - she says her DD is happy at the school. She also says her DD has recently had a hormone affecting tumour removed. The weight gain could well be medical.

Yep, and if we stopped treating weight gain as a moral failing and as the medical symptom it is, we would all be in a much better place to recognise when things are going wrong. 10lbs weight gain in 6 months - think lifestyle. 3.5 stone in 4 months? You’d need to be eating over a thousand extra calories PER DAY consistently to cause that and basically not moving at all. The problem if the lack of understanding that there are literally thousands of underlying causes that can create an environment where someone might gain weight, whether a large or small amount. If you’re less than 3st overweight you are not the same as someone 8 or 9 stone overweight and your underlying cause is likely very different, and yet the front line treatment we prescribe is exactly the same.

I have diagnosed PCOS and yet when I went to the NHS for help, I was prescribed a high carb, low fat diet, possibly the very worst thing an insulin resistant PCOS sufferer could eat even short term. So during one of the group support sessions (over Zoom) I asked the question to the dietician ‘so for someone like me who is insulin resistant, how can I adapt this diet so I have a better chance of not spiking my insulin resistance?’ - she looked at me like I had 2 heads and reported me to my GP as ‘not engaging with the program’. ALL of these problems in how we treat people with obesity stem from the fact we prefer to hold on to our beliefs that fat people are lazy with no self control, than actually address the fact that in most cases, obesity is a symptom.

It might seem like that to those that are hard of thinking.

Burn 1000 calories and take in 900. The weight will come off.

Put a gallon of petrol in your car and use a gallon and half. What do you think would eventually happen there?

she's very happy, well integrated and academically excelling.
If this is true, leave her in school, please. It's her security,

Possibly express concern for her health and arrange a consultation with a dietician and appointments as necessary. This is for her, privately, without you.

Then - you need to butt out. How dare you criticise a child you've sent off to live alone, for what she does or doesn't do? How dare you? How dare you criticise her body? Her actual body, that she lives with every day (unlike you. She's not with you every day, is she?)

You don't want a 'fat' daughter, that shines through your post. Treat her respectfully, and support her rather than criticising (and this includes a lot of 'keeping your opinions to yourself', in present circumstances) and it will all be fine. Women want to look the part society dictates, so she'll do the thing if you give her space.

Why not ensure every moment you have together is a joy, without criticism? (Realistically, you have a teenage - I hope -daughter, there's going to be some pain...)

@joey197860 This isn't just a school doctor issue - it's a school issue.

I'm unclear from your posts how much contact you've had with the pastoral staff.

If you're paying £25K or more a year to the school, you need more than a word with the school dr (they are only there occasionally.)

Have you spoken to the staff who are looking after her - house mistresses, matrons, year heads etc?

She's possibly unhappy, Being at boarding school for years doesn't mean she enjoys where she is now.

It’s really not. Yes it’s rare for a medical condition to make you our fat on without eating excess calories.

But that’s not what I said.

Theres usually huge psychological reasons behind it. And physical medical reasons and ND diagnosis.

for example, hyper fixation on food when you have adhd. PCOS can causing bone crushing exhaustion. Making it difficult to move as much as you should. Along with cravings so bad it’s debilitating.

Bad childhoods, abuse, bereavement, ptsd and a million other psychological reasons can mean it’s not as simple as just eat less and move more.

TBH I cannot believe, with her history, GP and blood tests wasnt your first thought, and pulling her out of school was. And you have moved her school previously? For what reason? Was it at a natural change point?

she's very happy, well integrated and academically excelling.

Are you sure?

Is she trying to please you by saying this?

It really does sound like emotional eating. Rather than being greedy.

Why have you always sent her to boarding school?
Are you out of the country or have reasons for preferring a boarding school?

As a parent you will always relinquish a certain amount of control/care when your child is a full time boarder.

An eating disorder can go either way- anorexia or weight gain.

Have you actually talked to her about her weight and why she thinks it can be happening?

The car will...lose weight??

I presume this was a benign tumour, not cancer? Is she not under hospital care? Yes of course you should seek proper medical advice. This is an extreme l we gel of weight gain

No matter what the outcome of the weight gain, please remember to think before you speak, and if you can't, then don't say anything at all in fact this is probably better.
Marks fade to near enough nothing, so whilst they maybe alarming you now, they WILL fade.
My bottom half is covered in stretch mark scars, but I don't bat an eyelid at it, and never really did when they appeared age 11 or 12.
I did however go to an all girls school, and hated it, developed an eating disorder and ruined my whole teenage years and education in the process.

Tread very carefully in how you proceed around her please.

Im hoping not. Poor kid if it is true.

I actually think you should leave her at school. This issue needs careful handling if you don't want to risk serious damage to your daughters self esteem and long term relationship with food. You appear to be coming at this from a place of high emotion, your disgust and anger at your daughters 'flaw' is evident, as is the indignation you feel that all your investment seems to have resulted in an 'imperfect' product. I think you're right to have health concerns, but your attitude won't help, and attitudes like yours tend to be too deeply entrenched to mask in order to offer appropriate support. My advice would be to address this again through the school. Insist that they take it seriously and arrange pastoral support. Do not lay down the law about sweeping policies like locked kitchens. If its a good school one would hope they have the experience to know how this can be addressed on an individual level.

Have you completely missed the fact that there may be a medical issue here, and that OP is going to investigate that ? She’s not criticising so back off with the ‘how dare you’s’. She’s trying to get to the bottom of the cause.

Yes, for the vast majority of people, calories in, calories out is what's required. But for a teen who has had major surgery that directly impacts hormones and has gained that amount of weight that quickly, don't you think medical examination is needed? Would you put your DD straight on a diet in the same circumstances?

Something significant is going on that isn't just 'easy access to food'. Almost 50lbs gain in 3 months is getting on for medically impossible in a normal, healthy human - which normally caps out at around 1/3 lb per day.

She needs medical attention and tests.

i’s bring her home for a weekend have a serious chat with be about what she’s eating and take her to a local trusted GP (assuming she is registered) for starters

I think the point is that while in theory the answer is simple, in practice it's still very difficult. If it really were that straightforward, we wouldn't have an obesity issue. It's like telling addicts they just have have stop drinking or taking drugs. Well yes, practically that's what they need to do, but the nature of the addiction or mental health issue or lifestyle problem that's causing the excess intake makes it a bit more complicated than that. If it's not something you've ever struggled with then it's probably not something you're going to understand, but the sheer numbers show that it really isn't that simple or else it wouldn't be such a problem. If diets worked...

The point is that she isn’t.

She thinks the school not allowing her free access to food would solve the problem. She think taking her out of somewhere she is very happy in, will solve the problem.

That’s not trying to get to the bottom of a medical issue.

This!!!

I feel concerned having read all of your posts that you seem insistent this is nothing other than access to the tuck shop.

Your insistence she is doing so well at the school is at odds with her weight gain (unless it is purely a health condition.)

Your posts do point to a 'hands over ears' attitude to her emotional health.

I can't help but wonder if the happy , settled appearance she gives is just that- an act.

You sound very black and white and rigid in your attitude.

If she was unhappy, your style of writing here gives the impression you'd not be sympathetic and would have a 'pull yourself together' attitude.

I could be wrong. But it's how you come over.

Why does she board?
Is this for academic excellence? (Is she under pressure to achieve?)
Or because your lifestyle means you can't be a hand-on parent?

FWIW I've worked- and lived - in pastoral care in boarding schools and seen students with all sorts of emotional issues.

She doesn't even live with you - how do you know what she's up to?

@Here4thechocs I think you've misunderstood. Yes, fat is fat. Most people who lose the weight regain it again. You only get one life. You need to be clear about health impacts and step up prevention without saying obese people should spend their whole lives indoors feeling ashamed of their bodies.

I hope you’re not as critical of her appearance to her face as you are on this thread

Speaking from experience, boarding schools are rife with addictions and eating disorders. Many children feel a loss of control and autonomy and exert this in other ways, such as disordered eating, alcohol and drugs. It becomes a coping mechanism, because there is nowhere private to express your emotions and you learn to shut them down.

(My parents thought I was fine and happy at boarding school because I felt I had to be so I didn't let them down. What they do not know now is that I am having group therapy for ex-boarders, there are thousands of us who are reeling from the after effects of being sent away from home which often manifests in our 40s and 50s. There was no abuse per se, this is "just" the effects of being sent away from the family to live in an institution).

When you say she "could be a day pupil", why on earth is she not? Can't tell you the number of ex-boarders who speak of their heartbreak at being so close to home, but not AT home. Especially when she has been through such a big surgery. My heart goes out to her.