Daughter getting fat in school

[joey197860]

Teenage daughter has gained 22kg in new boarding school. No medical explanation for it and she's very happy, wrll integrated and academically excelling. School has a shop on site and girls have access to kitchen in the evenings. Daughter had major surgery last year and specifically should not eat sugar loaded food. What am I to do? I want to pull her from the school at the end of this term. The school is absolutely no help when I discussed this with them.

Does your daughter have another parent or trusted adult in her life? You are completely the wrong person to be helping her through this, you’re absolutely awful and you’re going to destroy her confidence with ‘obesity is too accepted in society’ attitude - should we ostracise fat people then? Bully them? Deport them? Burn them at the stake?

OP, even if there is an underlying cause, it is very likely you are going to be the mother of a fat person for some time, possibly for life (losing weight isn’t a maths problem, 95% of people who lose weight without medical intervention like drugs or surgery will regain the weight within 2 years, over and over and over again). You need to get really comfortable with the idea your daughter is overweight REALLY quickly, because if you don’t you’re going to ruin your ‘open and friendly’ relationship with her really, really fast.

My suggestion is you stop seeing weight gain as a moral failing and reassess your very clear distaste for large bodies. Yes there’s health implications for some fat people, but it is very possible to reside in a larger body and lead a completely successful, normal life. Unless you think your daughters only worth in life will be how she looks?

Also, teenagers have sex and need birth control (especially fat ones with judgemental mothers, they crave the validation), if you don’t want your girl to be ‘that kind of girl’ I suggest you stop judging and start supporting her.

My mum was just like you most of my teenage years, I had sooooo many secrets from her as a result. Your attitude won’t make her thinner, it will make her sneakier and less likely to engage with any help you try to provide, however well meant. It turned out I had PCOS that went undiagnosed until I was 23 because mum thought my weight was my fault. In reality, I hit puberty and my hormones went absolutely haywire but because she had the same attitude to fat people that you do, it was completely missed until it was far too late. I now have my PCOS mostly under control, but it meant 10 years of fertility problems for me which could have been minimised had I been diagnosed and treated as a teen.

You will lose her, OP if you prioritise your piety over fat people above her well-being.

The stretch mark comment is saying it all really

That is A LOT of weight gain in 4 months. I mean a HUGE amount. Poor girl. Something is going on, whether that be comfort eating, binge eating, an eating disorder or a medical problem.

In my opinion, it may be best if she comes home for a while for you to take her to the GP, speak with her, find out what's up, and then support her through it.

Without any context of her age, BMI and height increases there is no way to know how much of an issue it is. Teens experience surges in hormones and weight gain is normal. Almost all women develop stretch marks during puberty.

She will develop an eating disorder and you will damage your relationship if you don’t do some research on how to approach this and prioritize your connection and her self-esteem. She likely already has attachment issues having been sent away from home.

I certainly hope it isn’t

Eating her feelings?

It's not that simple when you're a teen who has had major invasive surgery that directly impacts hormones. Plus, ever heard of puberty? The average weight gain for girls in puberty is 20lb. Forcing a girl in puberty to diet and you're consigning them into a life of yo-yo weight loss and disordered eating. Leave it alone and that 20lb will even out. If more parents knew that, fewer girls would develop body issues that last their adult lives.

The fact this girl has gained double that after said surgery demands medical examination, not moral judgement. And certainly not belittling by a mother who appears to care more about how she looks than how well she is.

OP has posted before about her daughter's surgery. It's real.

Some people don’t get diagnosed with PCOS till even later, in their thirties. It causes a whole host of issues and early diagnosis is key to prevention of problems. I think 70% of cases are undiagnosed at present.

For goodness sakes, stop making pathetic excuses. The daughter is away from home for the first time and is bingeing on rubbish she probably wasn't allowed at home.

I am hoping you are a troll that gets their jollies out of hinting at poor parenting on the internet. If so, you might want to get professional help for that.

If not, or for anyone else reading whose child has put weight on, and thinks in similar ways you need help. You daughter had a tumour removed has put weight on and your concern is that she fat. That the school should change how they work to Accomodation you wanting her to lose weight.

Not that the tumour removal might not be causing hormonal problems. Not that she actually might be struggling. Not that there’s a health issue.

You decide she couldn’t be on the pill because ‘she is not that type of girl’.

It’s all about whether you think she is fat or not.

You insist she is happy at the school but want to remove her from somewhere she is happy because you believe her to be greedy and has little self control with food. You want to remove her so you can control what she is eating. But aren’t that fussed you have very little control lots of things she does, since she doesn’t live at home. But do want to control her eating?

Unbelievably judgmental parents have a huge negative impact on their children.

If your daughter is on steriods it is possible to gain a stone a month and it will look like cushings.
I gained three stone a few years ago as I was prescribed steriods.

However I'm going to give you a huge warning, my DD was at a cotswold boarding school. Both the girls and a few teachers were bullies. She didn't tell me. I had a big job and a dying parent. My daughter went from a 10 to a 16 in a year. We use to find cake under the bed when she was home.
She was very unhappy. It's taken years to get over that experience.
My daughter has stretch marks but bio oil helps. She has lost the weight slowly but was made to feel low rent at boarding school for being fat. Even the head mistress asked me if she was unhappy as she was a 'bigger girl'. I have always told her she is the most beautiful person inside and out. Protect your daughter from fat shaming but get her to a doctor. Mine has just been diagnosed with serious gynecological issues. They cause weight gain. And FWIW a fair few of the tiny girls had eatening disorders and a least one pregnancy in her year.
Love her for who she is. Don't screw her up.

Were you very strict with treats and puddings OP? Sometimes kids who arnt allowed chocolate, biscuits, cake etc develop unhealthy relationships with those foods as they’re seen as forbidden items. Thus binging on them when away from you. I always think allowing a bit of everything is healthy.

I hope you don't have daughters.

You being over weight may be just that simple. You being over weight maybe just simply down to over eating with no complexities.

Thats not the case for the majority of people who are over weight.

I fail to see why the pastoral staff aren't onto this and being supportive.

How good is the school at pastoral care?

This should be discussed at their pastoral care meetings and being monitored via the house mistress, boarding staff.

This flies in the face of what I've seen personally in boarding schools, where staff are supposed to care about everything not just academic work.

I'd be finding a different school or having a very serious chat with the head, head of year and her boarding staff.

i am not one to defend OP but when one of mine went through a real growth spurt, both height and weight, she developed stretch marks. Very common of course. At any rate, she got them on her upper arms and thighs, places I could have seen without being at all intrusive. I don't know why OP is so fixated on them though as a lot of teens get them. I'm in my 40s and they've faded, but I can still feel the ones I got at that age.

She might not feel well loved. Being at boarding school does make children develop a positive front - it's a survival tactic. Very difficult for them to open up and express how they actually feel about being away from home.

The weight gain needs medical attention but also likely emotional therapeutic intervention.

@LauraNorda the daughter has been boarding for years. Did you also miss the bit about the tumour ? But yes, pull those judgey pants up as high as you can

The absolute majority of people who are overweight simply eat too much. It really is that simple. It is actually vanishingly rare for medical problems to cause morbid obesity.

If she'd gained a stone yes. This level and rate of weight gain is not considered normal. Physical or psychological I couldn't say, but it isn't ordinary eating more biscuits when they're always available. True binge eating is not as easy as you think.

Look after your daughter yourself and feed her at home.
Happy well adjusted kids don’t gain 3st in 4 months

Genius!

I boarded for two years and put on loads of weight, a lot of us did. It was horrible. The food was generally appalling but we filled up with bread at breakfast, tea-time which often included cake, and frequently at supper depending on what we had then. We also ate a lot of sweets and chocolate which we were able to buy at the weekend. Nobody cared.

All I can say is she will lose it when she leaves, and will lose some during the summer holidays.

out on a limb here a bit, but could she have undiagnosed adhd? It presents v differently in girls and can be hard to spot. I have struggled with eating the correct foods and not excessively snacking all my life, and turns out it’s because I had undiagnosed adhd (and autism). Weight issues can can be a common side effect because you don’t have the impulse control and you lack dopamine so seek it out through other ways

https://add.org/adhd-and-binge-eating/