Daughter getting fat in school

[joey197860]

Teenage daughter has gained 22kg in new boarding school. No medical explanation for it and she's very happy, wrll integrated and academically excelling. School has a shop on site and girls have access to kitchen in the evenings. Daughter had major surgery last year and specifically should not eat sugar loaded food. What am I to do? I want to pull her from the school at the end of this term. The school is absolutely no help when I discussed this with them.

Can you not ask her to avoid junk food? 4 months to gain 3 stone is a lot, I’d be pushing the medical side of things, especially if it’s post surgery. Otherwise if this was over the course of two years, I would just suggest hormonal.

My parents thought I was fine and happy at boarding school because I felt I had to be so I didn't let them down. What they do not know now is that I am having group therapy for ex-boarders, there are thousands of us who are reeling from the after effects of being sent away from home which often manifests in our 40s and 50s. There was no abuse per se, this is "just" the effects of being sent away from the family to live in an institution

I was actually broadly happy at my small and friendly boarding school (only went for 4-5 years and was 12) but it's interesting you should post this as I'm in my 40s and feel the impact a lot recently. Perhaps now my own children are getting to that age, I'm reflecting on it more.

Isn't it not that likely that this is medical because @joey197860 wasn't warned by the consultants. If the surgery might provoke some kind of endocrine response after a few months, she'd be told. Even if it was 1:million chance, she'd be told.

And because her reaction is to change schools,(to take her D away from the temptation of rubbish food) it suggests she doesn't think it's related to the surgery at all - or a specialist would be her first move.

Considering the 'brutal' discipline at home, I'm wondering if her D has low self worth and is being bullied at school?

Is it an all girls boarding school or mixed?
Is she a weekly boarder?
How does she behave/eat at home?

So many unanswered questions around all of this.

She won't admit being unhappy to her Mum, because she (the mum) likes to think everything it hunky dory - that she's happy, excelling, well adjusted etc.

If this is not medical, it's saying' Help! Why can't you see I'm unhappy.'

Doesn't sound like there is a mystery - she is eating too much because she can.

Or she is not as happy as you think and its comfort eating.

@joey197860 If you're still reading please listen.

If you take your D to see a doctor, please allow her some privacy.
You've not given her age but if she's 15 or thereabouts, there may be questions she wants to ask a doctor, or they may ask her, that are private.

Given some of your posts, I suspect your D won't express anything with you being there which she feels may upset you.

We don't know if she's at a single sex school or not. Or if there is any mixing with local boys' schools at weekends. Joint social events?

But take it from me, teens do go on the Pill and also have sex, when they are under age. Having worked in boarding schools I can assure you that girls do go on the Pill and do have sex, often unknown to their parents.

One thing is obvious - the dd is not happy. She also definitely has a dysfunctional relationship with a mother who insists that a child who has been through major surgery and subsequently put on an astonishingly large amount of weight in a short amount of time is “very happy.”

I was "that type of girl".
I started taking the pill when I was 14. Not because I was out shagging boys every night (I wasn't) but because my first period lasted 3 months. My second period lasted 7 weeks and my third period lasted 2 months. I was bleeding heavily, passing out and I became severely aenemic.
Maybe there's more going on with your DD than she's telling you because she's scared of your judgy attitude.
Not every girl on the pill as a teenager is some insatiable whore.

We don't know that they are not encouraging a healthy diet, but they are also making food available in the evenings so that the children aren't hungry and feel more at home (is my guess). Learning to manage your own eating as a young person is better than having food restricted. It must be a tricky balance to get right.

Having experience of boarding school I guarantee the core diet will be well balanced and regular exercise will not be negotiable. The Matron and Housemistress would without a doubt have picked up on disordered eating very quickly and alerted OP and the school GP. OP will also have BUPA as part of the fees - honestly I don’t understand why she has not definitively ruled out a medical cause before jumping to the conclusion she has. All the resources and support will be in place. My take is she would rather be angry at the school than manage her child’s health because being angry is easier and less scary than looking for the cause when the family has already been through a lot with DC’s tumour surgery and assumed life would go back to normal

Why did you send her to boarding school?
Bring her back

If she’s expressed she’s unhappy about her weight can’t you just have a kind and supportive discussion with her about managing the problem?

Thank you couldn't remember the condition. It does sound possibility of being Cushing's

Good summary and think you nailed it.

I dont know anyone who parents their children in such a draconian way and know loads of children who are sweetness and light because they are loved and given balance in their lives.

The OP sounds detached and like her child is a chore.

For the life of me I dont understand why you would have children and then willingly shove them out to boarding school no matter how ‘good the school’. These children are basically thinking ‘my parents don’t love me enough to want me to be home and want strangers to look after me’. Yes there are exceptions but wanting an institution to raise your child and then being shocked they have gained so much weight is really worrying.

They go from draconian measures to complete freedom (sure with rules) no wonder your child is struggling.

The view that boarding schools are all awesome is wrong. They are full of addictions, disorders and mental illnesses. Not solely but more than a good school. In fact that is why some parents send their children there so that someone else can deal with it.

I truly hope your daughter isn’t suffering medically but when you get another doctor telling you nothing is wrong perhaps you will take a step back, look at yourself and the environment you have created and realise the problem started at home.

I boarded. Food was a very loaded issue and I wouldn’t necessarily say all schools are on top of what is being eaten, where, how much, with whom. I gained weight as the house kitchens were a place to make noodles, pasta n sauces, toast etc with friends - it was a social occasion. By sixth form there would be additional snacks laid out after supper at about 8pm. However, I was miserable, and took it upon myself to sort it out myself. Ended up being anorexic for the next four years.

I was miserable at boarding school (I didn’t last long) and I also piled on a ton of weight. I don’t think it was solely misery-munching, a lot of was new shiny hormones and not having any say in what and when you eat.

@Westofeasttoday I agree with a lot that you say but I think it's possibly derailing the essence of the thread to blame boarding schools in the way you have.

Boarding schools have changed over the years and most now are genuinely highly involved in pastoral care.

The ones I worked in attracted parents who worked overseas a lot or sometimes where parents had split up. They felt the stability of a good school was more than they could offer as a single (often very busy) parent.

I am fully aware of the 'damage' a boarding school can do. A very close friend boarded from age 7.

But most boarding schools now are also day schools and at a senior level they are mixed.

The feeling I get from the OP is that she sets very high standards, which isn't bad in itself, but maybe lacks compassion and the D feels under huge pressure.

In all fairness, it sounds like you're going to get her checked out medically now.

What sort of junk food does she have access to? DD only did two years at private school, but all they had access to in their kitchen was granary bread, marmite, cheese for toast/sandwiches and fruit. DD used to moan there was a lot of fruit and yogurt in the dinner hall, so whilst they contain sugar, I wouldn't consider them junk. I've not idea what other schools do, but they should be providing a healthy meal plan.

@joey197860

Is your DD upset about the weight gain?

Where was the tumour if pituitary will effect your appetite same for some other tumours and if in steroids rapid weight gain common

Yes I'm thinking the same. In fact I'm wondering if this is PCOS?
I had similar issues in my mid teens and it was found to be PCOS. My GP put me on the pill to regulate the hormones (late 1970's) but there may be more effective treatments out there now.
I think a GP referral is required OP. Good luck 💐

Why don't posters read the thread?

Sending your kids to boarding schools is basically abandoning your child off for someone else to do your job (Parenting which should be naturally maternal, emotional, sacrosanct) Palming your kids off then wondering why they are eating excessively - Wow! Maybe it's to quell their feeling of parental abandonment. Other than being rich, name me one justification for sending your kids to boarding school? I'll wait.

Always happens about this point. People can't be arsed to read back. Cue pages of irrelevant and out of context comments.

Why would OP engage with something so significant as 'bringing up your own child' when this can be palmed off to an deviant, demonic, destructive and deranged institution, as a perverse form of parental privatisation, out sourcing for social engineering purposes. What else are these parents doing all day? Is a career THAT important above bringing up your own flesh and blood. Read Earl of Spencer's autobiography and get back to me x

The punishment post was shocking. Thanks for posting it pp. The poor child clearly isn't happy. And given the medical history it's crazy op hasn't taken her straight to the GP. And when you do op- do leave the room to allow your daughter to speak freely to the Dr.