Daughter getting fat in school

[joey197860]

Teenage daughter has gained 22kg in new boarding school. No medical explanation for it and she's very happy, wrll integrated and academically excelling. School has a shop on site and girls have access to kitchen in the evenings. Daughter had major surgery last year and specifically should not eat sugar loaded food. What am I to do? I want to pull her from the school at the end of this term. The school is absolutely no help when I discussed this with them.

Or has it prevented her from exercising as she would previously done?

Is her BMI within the normal range?

I think this is the first cause I would explore, OP. Treatment, medications and impact on taste and hormones has a huge effect on weight and there hasn't really been enough study of why. Once my DS's treatment stopped, he put on 10kg in 8 months. There's no explanation for it outside of the tumour, though the Drs like to blame us for the weight gain, claiming we must be overfeeding him (we don't) or feeding him junk food (we don't). I wouldn't be so quick to assume your DD is buying junk food or stuffing herself in the kitchen at night.

Not disputing that and it wasn’t the point of my post. I was answering a poster who said she had missed the OP saying DD had cancer. OP didn’t mention the word cancer at any point.

Other posters had mentioned oncology upthread so I made a probably incorrect assumption.
It's still the case that the tumour that was removed and other treatment the daughter may have had could have affected her appetite/ metabolism so appropriate medical checks imo are the first approach.
I also agree with the poster who, having been taken to the GP by her own mother, said that the mother needs to be very careful how she approaches it.
Perhaps a chat with the GP first before taking the daughter in?

Quite, but thts not relevant to my query which is what this response above is about, which is that posters keep referring to 'speak to her oncology team' or phone the oncology department as if the child has had cancer. OP hasnt said this.

OP has posted that her younger kids are eager to start boarding school, so it sounds like there’s an element of choice here. OP also said in a previous thread that she is a disabled single mum of three. If she’s getting bursaries there will be good reasons.

There is no such thing.

She could still be rich though. And her latest post says that her other children can’t wait to go to boarding school. So presumably it’s not a bursary but op has chosen to pay to send her there.

OP how do you know her exact weight gain? Have you weighed her? What was her weight before and after or bmi? Is she actually in the overweight or obese category now? Where was the tumour? How old is your teen?

Off topic maybe but what on Earth is 'that type of girl'? Be careful about passing that kind of attitude to your daughter or that lovely, open relationship you apparently have won't last long.

You're coming across as very defensive.
Yes, boarding school is a choice. But it's often now flexi-boarding or weekly boarding.
Which does your DD do?

You say that there are advantages over a day school for you.
Are you willing to say what they are?

When I worked in boarding schools, most students were there either because of parental location (overseas), special needs not catered for in the state system, or state schools not being suitable for some reason.

Many more students now attend indie schools as day pupils. Boarding is on the decline and it's usually for parents whose lives are at a distance or they work crazy hours and can't do hands-on parenting. OR the child has a super skill (maybe sporting or music) that is nurtured more in an indie school. You know, Millfield for sports, Bedales for drama and arts, etc etc.

I know that if a parent had come to any school I'd worked in with a child's eating /weight issue, the staff would have bent over backwards to help. It's not about obesity being acceptable in the UK.

I'd ask you to think very carefully over whether your D is as happy as you think she is. Your posts show a lack of engagement with how her emotions may not be how you perceive them.

If it's not PCOS then it's more likely emotional eating.

From teaching in a boarding school perspective.

It is unusual in a girl’s boarding house for there to be a lot of girls overeating, under eating is more common. That is the reason for a more relaxed attitude towards food - to create a healthy attitude to it. Restricting food isn’t the solution here. Have you noticed any of her friendship group massively gaining weight?

Part of the problem is there is a lot of food available -in my school we go from 11 to 18. Some of which are very active. If a 13 year old girl eats as much as an 18 year old rugby player she will be over eating. But the food has to be available for the 6’4” teenage boy.

Kitchens aren’t locked overnight (kids need to be able to access a glass of water)but the should be in bed after lights out - if she is going into the kitchen then, then she is sneaking in. This is a different problem - why is she sneaking food?

Most of the food is locked away in matron cupboard though so at my school you wouldn’t be sneaking much. Stuff from the fridge and fruit.

Tuck is available most nights but it wouldn’t be right to stop for all because one is going over board. Again look at why she is buying tuck everyday. Could you reduce the amount of money she has to spend on tuck?

If your communication is as good as you say, you need to ask about these details. If she is feeling overwhelming hunger then you need to get that checked out.

Is it possible she is eating her feelings? It's possible to be 'thriving' at school n terms of having friends, making progress academically - but that could just be survival. Sending a child away to board at a young age cannot be without consequence. Some of those will be good - resilience, independence etc, but much will be a sense of rejection, learning that she has to rely on herself, because saying that she is sad and missing her parents is not what school or parents want to hear, so she buries those feelings and comfort eats.
Ultimately, no boarding school can provide the level of supervision and support offered by growing up in the parental home unless they can provide a ratio of an adult for every couple of kids. If she lived at home you would know what and when she was eating. With the best will in the world, no school can monitor every child in that way. More crucially, they may be great at pastoral care but they do not love your child in the way I hope you do. Children are not daft, and they know that kind pastoral care is no substitute for being actively loved on a daily basis within the framework of a supportive family. If you are a military family and had no choice but to send her away at primary age, does she fully understand why she could not live with you?

Poor girl. Why hasn't the boarding school managing the access to food properly? You're paying for care as well as learning.
What have the pastoral team said?.

I think this poster was referring to inability to exercise post surgery. And it does sound as though the tumour was hormone related so possibly that’s the reason for the rapid weight gain.

OP has posted that her younger kids are eager to start boarding school,

I'd guess younger children 'look up' to their older sibling and think it's all jolly good fun at boarding school. Tuck shops and midnight feasts in the dorm (ha ha.)

They don't however have the same personality and presumably not hitting puberty yet.

Thankyou i have asked this question and OP has carefully ignored it while replying to other posts.

Given the OPs attitude to weight i would bet she has 'kept' her daughter purposefully quite thin and her daughter is now going a bit mad with free access to food.

If this teen has had a big growth spurt and grown inches that in itself would represent significant weight so this in addition to filling out and gaining a bit of excess might have equated to 3.5st.

I bet shes not obese though just larger than OP would like her to be.

Good pastoral care is not giving every child what they want. It's about building confidence and resilience so that they make the right choices. They are not ensuring that she has adequate care and support, and seem to have some sort of laissez faire approach. Not great.

Was the tumor related to thyroid? If not is her TSH level normal range ? Is her period regular? Does she play any sports at school?

teens tend to survive on junk but they balance it out with sports,

@joey197860

How old is your daughter, OP?

Daughter had major surgery last year and specifically should not eat sugar loaded food

If this is a medical issue which you make it sound, the school should ne controlling it.

Obviously she could ask friends to buy sweets etc for her so it's hard to control completely.

However if she is now in her teens, some self-care is surely what's needed?

If the drs have told her not to eat a lot of sugar, why is she?

Have you not spoken to her about it?

OP is disabled. If her mobility is affected she will be much more aware of how easy it is to put on weight, and of its knock on effects on general health. That could be the reason she’s so unhappy about such a rapid weight gain in her DD. And DD has been at boarding school for quite some time - why would she suddenly be going overboard because of free access ?

Yes yanbu in that you need to pull her out. And get over there to see her asap and find out how she really is.

i’m sorry to worry you but large weight gain after surgery for a tumor sounds very concerning to me. I would be getting her to see the clinician who did her tumor removal asap. She must be so worried herself about that even is she is not telling you. You don’t sound like someone it will be easy to chat to about inner feelings so maybe she is bottling a lot up. You need to see her and find out.

I'd rally not jump to any conclusions about the OP and her health.

Technically not your business and not saying it to stir stuff just as another possibility but she could be on contraception. My best friend had painful periods from endo so started a hormone contraception and ballooned up to 3 times her usual size in just a few months.

The school Dr seems very remiss as well. It's not an effective set up, and for that alone I would certainly transfer her.